After months of sexting dirty messages and shamelessly flirting together in the club, the night has finally come. You have put in the effort, worn the sexiest outfits and now it’s time for some no-strings-attached, get down to it, good ole fashion SEX.

Now the question is, how do you prepare for the big night? Should you fill the room with lavender scented candles and smooth jazz or take out the handcuffs, the whip and the slutty dominatrix outfit? What is your date going to want out of the night: raunchy ankles-behind-your-head sex or to partake in the sweet and sensual act of making love?

According to OkCupid, a start-up dating site complete with in depth statistical analysis, it is rather easy to figure it out. Certain words found within online personalities (Facebook, blogs, about.me profiles) can indicate whether your date likes it rough or wants it gentle. These words can help you plan better for the big night.

Women:

Prominent words suggesting rough sex:

-Damn                            -Nerdy

-Obsessed                      -Bored

-Shit                                -Opinionated

-Piercing                        -Internet

-Undergrad                   -Grammar

-Religion                        -Tattoos

-Grammar                      -Smoke Read More »

I recently came across an interesting blog post providing some insight into society’s portrayals of sex. The cultural dialogue on sex isn’t terribly nuanced. There is aggressive, brash, unapologetic sexuality promoted by porn and pop music, and then there’s the less prominent demure, lovemaking more likely to be seen on TV and in movies. This post kind of struck a chord with me.

When we start having sex, we’re pretty likely to start emulating what we see portrayed in the media. How many of us have open, uncensored, honest conversations about our sex lives with our friends? In my experience, it’s only been very recent that I have encountered friends (and everyone who reads this column) who can talk about sex, without being coy or shrouding reality in coyness and exaggerations. So the only frame of reference we truly have is what we see in the media.

I only like rough sex. I can only orgasm from extremely intense penetration. I’ve tried “regular” sex and “making love” and I can never stick with it for long. I crave animalistic, aggressive, primal, unapologetically hardcore nookie. And I wonder how much of that is influenced by my  viewing of porn and my (almost excessive) consumption of what some  have referred to as “slutwave” pop (Ke$ha, anyone?) I know that my preferences are my own to have, but at the same time, I don’t exist in a vacuum. My body is connected to my brain, and my brain is constantly bombarded with certain images of sexuality. What if I was someone who only watched demure Hollywood classics and listened strictly to down-tempo classical music? Would I still be begging for it harder and faster in the bedroom? Would I take “you f*ck like a porn star” as a compliment?

Read More »

Does it even need to be said that Rihanna inspired my column this week? “S&M” is one of my favorite songs of the year. It’s bold. It’s catchy. It’s a booty shaker. And I really appreciate that a mainstream female pop artist is singing lyrics that are unapologetically sexual and straightforward. No metaphors, no coy double entendres, just Rihanna proudly claiming that whips and chains excite her.

I like it, like it.

S&M, more formally known as sadomasochism, is a range of sexual activities that are inspired by getting pleasure from pain. Sadists inflict pain and masochists love to receive it. S&M can be manifested in a lot of different ways – from hardcore bondage and flogging to mild spanking and humiliating wordplay.

I flirt with S&M from time to time because it allows me a certain level of freedom that I can’t access during conventional sex. When my partner and I have regular sex, while it’s totally enjoyable and awesome, it’s too grounded in reality and I find it almost impossible to completely shut off my brain and be completely in the moment. But when I play around with S&M, I’m able to lose myself in the fantasy of it. It allows you to embrace aspects of your sexual being you usually repress, whether it’s your aggressively sexy dominatrix side or your desire to be a super submissive wanton hooker.

Getting Started:
S&M can start off very simply – dirty talk using words that are maybe more vulgar than you may usually use, or introducing spanking during a back massage. Then, once everyone is comfortable, it could lead to integrating props like handcuffs, scarves, paddles, or nipple clamps into the mix, which may eventually lead to more advanced play. Regardless, there are a lot of different levels and ways to engage in S&M, so if it’s your first time, you can ease into things slowly.

The Trust Issue:
Sadomasochism can be absolutely terrifying because it requires a certain level of trust and responsibility. It’s absolutely crucial to set clear, well-defined boundaries that both partners have the utmost respect for. It’s also a good idea to have a “safe word” to use when either partner wants to stop or decrease the intensity. The word should be simple, but not something you’d typically hear during nookie, like “fettuccini” or “xylophone.” Safety is absolutely essential in S&M scenarios. One partner is put in an extremely vulnerable position, and that partner’s well-being should be the top priority at all times.

After:
After an intense session, you may feel a “drop” afterwards. All the endorphins and the adrenaline rush you were feeling during sex may suddenly decrease and you may feel overwhelming sadness or depression. This is completely normal, because your hormones are trying to stabilize themselves. There are a lot of ways you can address it – talking, kissing, and cuddling with your partner are all common strategies. Don’t hesitate to treat your drop like any other time you feel down. Eat your favorite comfort foods, light some candles, take a bubble bath, sleep it off. Do whatever you need to do to lift yourself back up

Ultimately, though, S&M is just as mild or just as rough as you and your partner want it to be. It can be an incredibly rewarding experience as long as you keep everything safe, sane, and consensual, and really, that’s what sex should be like all the time anyway.

Chains and whips don’t excite you? Here are a few other ways to spice things up between the sheets.

Once upon a time, I was a very sheltered girl. Sex was the ultimate taboo – I thought it was dangerous, dirty, and I failed to understand how anyone could derive pleasure from it. In high school, when my friends started engaging in sexy time, their less than positive reviews of their experiences didn’t make sex sound any more appealing. It wasn’t until I got to college, and started meeting more experienced, sex-positive, empowered ladies that I started to cultivate a more positive view of sexuality. And when I finally started having sex with an incredibly sensitive man, I confirmed that a lot of my fear of sex was based on fallacies and lies.

Without further ado, here are some of my most misguided thoughts.

10. Tummy fat is kryptonite for guys.
I used to be absolutely terrified of getting naked in front of a guy. In fact, I actually lost my virginity while wearing a dress. I thought a dude would catch one glance of my layer of chub and totally lose interest. In reality, most guys are not that douchey, and when they’re that close to sticking their goods into your mouth and/or vag, trust – they think you’re the sexiest woman in the world this side of Megan Fox.

9. Small penis = no pleasure.
The average depth of a vagina is 6 inches. The average length of a penis is 5 inches. More than likely, whatever he’s packing is more than sufficient. But even if it’s not, whatever – a finger feels good, and the odds of encountering a penis any smaller than that is highly unlikely.

Read More »

It’s no secret among my friends that I like being treated aggressively in the bedroom, but sometimes, I feel like I’m the only girl I know who likes getting roughed up. Perhaps that’s because my sexual propensities really are that rare, but more likely, it’s because a taboo against BDSM still exists.

Rachel Kramer Bussel, who recently wrote on The Frisky about a newly discovered desire to be choked during sex, notes that “Women, especially feminists, aren’t supposed to say they like rough sex … [There's a] misconception that consensual BDSM is a precursor to violence.” That’s something I know all too well. Last year, I blogged about an instance of rough sex on my website, Sex and the Ivy. While my entries often receive mixed reviews (because some disagree with my decision to write publicly about my sex life), I was surprised by the number of commenters who were outraged by this piece. Some of the reactions included: Read More »

“Whoa, what happened to you?”

It was senior year in college, a Monday morning, and my friend was sitting in class, doing her best (but obviously not succeeding) to hide a very noticeable, very odd black and blue mark on her bottom lip.

“Oh, I…I was drinking out of a bottle and someone bumped into me. It sucked.”

“Shut up!” I said, knowing exactly where she had been last night. “That did not come from a bottle”

“Keep your voice down.” My friend looked around, embarrassed. “To everyone else, it was a bottle. To you, it was Tim. Nothing bad, nothing bad!” She immediately reacted to my raised eyebrows. “We were just making out and stuff…his lips did this!”

“Still, it looks like it hurts…” I couldn’t take my eyes off her mouth. It was so obviously bruised.

“It does kinda. And when we were together it was a little intense…but I don’t know him well! I would feel so stupid telling him to ease up.” Read More »