This year, Valentine’s Day kicks off National Condom Week (coincidence? I think not), and it’s time to give these little rubbers the appreciation they deserve! I mean really, what would life be without them (besides there being a lot more episodes of Teen Mom...)?

We (and by “we” I mean “our boyfriends”) tend to look at condoms as a nuisance that take away from the pleasure of lovemaking, so I’m here to bring you a list of crazy condoms that will make using protection fun! (As if safe sex isn’t fun enough already…)

Political Statement Condoms – In honor of us young people becoming more aware of politics since the 2008 election, we bring you Obama and McCain condoms! Featuring witty double entendres and portraits of the candidates, they’re the perfect BC for those who are both politically and sexually active.  Just be warned- things could get awkward if you and your guy both whip out opposing-candidate condoms.  For some, party affiliation is a deal breaker.

Tuxedo Condoms – Introducing the tuxedo condom, for all of your black-tie events!  Getting your guy to dress nice may be no easy feat, but at least you can get achieve a touch (or taste) of formality in the bedroom.

The Condometric – Finally, a condom that kills two birds with one stone: protection AND measurement. Stop the speculation and find out how many inches he’s packing before letting him into your love tunnel.  Best of all, make these your preferred brand and you can compare him to your previous and future love (and lust) makers.

Glow in the Dark -  To me, there’s nothing more hilarious than turning off all the lights and seeing nothing but a neon green penis flying around (like a glowstick at a rave!).  For nights when you feel a bit Jersey Shore-ish, there’s the Love Light Technosex.  Go ahead, blast the house music, beat up the beat, and slip this on for a night of silly, glowy fun.

Fun Flavored Condoms – From our favorite fruit, to chocolate, to giving HARD liquor a whole new meaning (ha ha), there’s a flavored condom out there for everybody.

Remember, you ARE supposed to use condoms for oral sex, and with a condom that tastes like hot cocoa, why wouldn’t you?

Trojan Her Pleasure Ecstasy Condoms – Okay, so I have yet to try these (I don’t want to talk about it, OK?), but you’ve seen the commercials, people!  These new condoms claim to have a new, more secure fit so you both feel the pleasure, not the rubber. If that’s not something you can enjoy, I don’t know what is.

Happy humping, everyone!

And most of all they must have a damn condom on them when the time comes. But of course, they forget; they were probably thinking something manly, like going to the moon or doing their Stats homework.

Make no mistake: if you’re gunning for it, sexy time will happen at college, and inevitably you’ll sometimes get stuck picking up the contraceptive slack. When you do, you’ll need to know your condoms. You don’t want any unpleasant surprises (“Honey, this is a sea anenome”).

Here are a few some notes, with thanks to the University of Connecticut’s Health Services office.

Obviously, everyone knows how to put a condom on. Obviously! Right? Double check, because even if you’re not the one wearing the jimmy hat, you’ll want to be keeping the dude honest. It’s very manly to make stupid mistakes.

Normal condoms don’t really need an explanation. It’s notable, though, that there’s nothing actually special about Trojans, other than their cool namesake (nobody ever mentions the ancient Babylonian epic “Durexia” for example). They aren’t any more durable or comfortable than any other standard brand.

Colored condoms do their rubbery duty perfectly well, and they do it with some style, but that’s about it; and if you’re planning on making amateur porn in your dorm room, you need to be sure they don’t clash with your futon. Considering all that college stuff you’ll have on your plate, you and your man-friend have more than enough to worry about, so don’t let the color of the condom be another issue. There is one that looks like a Rocket Pop, though….

Flavored condoms, on the other hand, take a different angle on the sexy issue; in particular, the angle that leads towards your mouth, and not anywhere else. Flavored condoms, understandably, often contain sugar, and “your vagina” should probably be pretty high up on your list of “places you don’t fill with sugar”, right after “your cat” and “your gas tank”.

If you already have to go to the trouble of securing the condoms for your partner, you might as well get a little something for yourself in the bargain. You can find plenty of pleasure-enhancing condoms from a variety of manufacturers, most of which have either ribs or studs; which in particular is up to your personal taste (“studs” are good if you don’t happen to be with one — ba-dum kssh!). “I’ve heard reactions of “ehh” to “really cool!” regarding these, but at the very least they stop the babies from growing just fine.

There’s also the “pleasure pouch”, a feature which, while unfortunately named, apparently increases the male’s pleasure during intercourse. Now, all you girls who just can’t seem to get your damn partner off — I know, right, those men! They’re impossible! — might want to look into this, especially since there’s one called the “Tuxedo” and it looks like you could use it to sink a cruise ship.

Finally we have the strange ones: the “warming” condoms, the vibrating rings, and the climax control condoms. While they all advertise considerable advantages, they also seem to involve either moving parts or scary chemicals bouncing around near your naughty bits. So while nothing terrible will probably happen, use them at your own risk, kids.

Now go, be fruitful and multiply – but not too soon, yeah?

But then the games began (and Michael put on a swim cap/Speedo) and I began to see what everyone else was talking about. I mean – this guy was looking good. Really good. Like, “I kinda sorta (read: totally) wanna do him” good. He is pretty much as close to perfect as any man can get.

Don’t agree? Here are 5 Reasons Why I Want to Do The Breast Stroke (see how I made a swimming term into something sexual? Yeah, I’m that good) With Michael Phelps:

He’s Got Moves: Maybe it’s just me, but when I watch Phelps dive off the platform and do that little mermaid move….well, I can only think dirty, naughty things. He knows how to use his body well and I have a feeling that little move would work wonders both in and out of the pool.

He Loves His Mama: There is nothing more attractive than a guy who loves his mother. Not only is that the sweetest thing ever, but it means is going to respect you and treat you well, too.

Lots o Bling: I love gold and Phelps has more gold around his neck than 50 Cent… and that is saying a lot. Plus, he earned them the hard way (not simply by getting shot 50 times, writing some crappy rap song and buying a giant gold plate encrusted in diamonds to show off to the ladies).

Stamina: Have you ever tried to swim 400 meters against the fastest men in the world? Me either (I prefer to float…with a beer in the raft’s cup holder), but I bet it’s really effing hard. Not for Mikey; this dude has some serious stamina, and you know that will translate well into the bedroom. No, “Oops! I’m sorry…” here; Phelps is in it until the end.

He’s Not Afraid of Rubber/Latex: The guy wears a rubber cap for a living – he won’t have a problem wearing the other rubber cap in the bedroom.

Come to mama, Michael.