It’s the end of an era. After 6 seasons of fake drama, long and uncomfortable staring, and fights over cocktails that no one seems to pay for, The Hills is coming to an end tonight. There are many rumors surrounding tonight’s one-hour episode, like whether Speidi will make an appearance, if LC will show up and if Audrina and JB will get back together. I don’t know what is going to happen but after watching 101 episodes of the show, I know one thing for sure: nothing is really going to happen at all.

Still, just knowing that the final episode of The Hills is a mere 6 hours away has me all torn up inside. It’s like saying goodbye to your best friends on the last day of sleep away camp. Or packing up at the end of freshman year. I’m sad.  I’ve known The Hills kids for longer than some of my friends. We’ve been through so much together, from LC and Jason’s epic break-up to Whitney’s departure to New York to the crash and burning of Lauren and Heidi’s relationship. And now, after 40 minutes of “drama”, 20 minutes of commercials, and an aftershow with those two really annoying MTV people, it’s just going to end. And I’ll be left with nothing but a gaping hole in my heart and nothing to watch on Tuesday nights.

The only thing getting me through this time of heartache and pain is the hope that, in true MTV fashion, one or more of our favorite Hills cast members will get a spin-off. And if that’s the case, I have an idea of what those shows will be: Read More »

"Let's go to this relaxing yoga class and disrupt everyone while we gossip in Downward Dog!"

With the series finale of The Hills coming up next week (moment of silence….) it seems the producers tried to pack as much as they could into last night’s episode. For the first time in history we only got one long stare (between Stephanie and her motorcycle man)! But that might have something to do with the fact that Audrina was M.I.A. And besides the gratuitous 30 seconds of booty shots before the crew walked into the club, most of the episode was actually things happening:

Stephanie Meets a Boy
And despite Brody’s attempts to scare him off, her weirdly giant hair on their date, and the fact that she can’t drink, he actually likes her! I still don’t understand what the big deal is about ordering soda on a date – both of them mentioned feeling weird about it – but whatever. Steph has her own sorta-Justin Bobby now so yay for her.

Mama Montag Comes to Town
And Holly puts on all the makeup she has on her vanity to welcome her. Seriously, she looked like a Geisha. I was sorta hoping we’d see Mama bang on Heidi’s door and then get dragged away by the cops as Spencer threw crystals at her, but all I got was a little crying over brunch. There’s always next week, right? RIGHT?! Read More »

There’s not much to say about the 99^th episode of The Hills.

Audrina broke up with Ryan. Allie and Kristin had a fight at a club. The group went boating. And Justin Bobby came.

And that’s it.

Honestly, if it weren’t for the awkward break-up scene between Ryan (Cabrera) and Audrina, there would really be nothing worth talking about. Thankfully, these two had the most vague and pointless conversation in The Hills history (and that’s saying a lot), which made this episode worth sitting through. Tweedle Double D and Tweedle Spiky hair said a whole lot of words (presumably to fill up the time usually allocated to Speidi), but said nothing at all.

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what was really going on though: Read More »

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach. Read More »

It took every fiber of my being not to fall asleep during last night’s episode of The Hills. And not because I only slept for four hours on Monday night after an outdoor beer pong tournament went a little longer than expected. That sh*t was just boring. Boooooring. I swear, an 8am Bio lecture would have been more riveting than whatever happened (or did not happen) on The Hills.

Not that I shouldn’t have expected it. When the show started with Kristin and Stacy talking in a salon while two random stylists just sorta moved their hair around, I should have known I was in for a snoozer.

Now that Speidi’s out of the picture (and busy with their “divorce”), MTV’s really scraping the bottom of the drama barrel. You know you’ve got problems when the return of Justin Bobby and his combat boots is the most exciting thing going on. It seems those producers searched high and low for an exciting storyline to round out the final season…. And then gave up. I can only imagine what that production meeting was like. Read More »

"I don't let her use the computer or watch TV. And at night I lock her in a room and pump more silicon into her boobs, lips and brain."

So it seems the people behind The Hills really want to go out with a bang…. and reignite Ryan Cabrera’s failed music career. It worked for Gaga (remember when LC and Whitney had to style her at some event a few seasons back?), so maybe Mr. Cabrera will be donning leotards and selling out stadiums around the world in a few years.

Despite the fact that 25% of last night’s episode was made up of scenery shots and Top 40 hits, the drama was most definitely there. And, as usual, it was all about Heidi, Spencer and whatever weird Hollywood Hills Cult they’ve joined. Like most people watching, I was shocked to see Spencer out of the house (with only 12 versus his usual 200 necklaces) and at the bar with the rest of the crew. I thought he just stayed home, played with his crystals (no, that is not a euphemism) and pet baby goats. But I guess he got a little cabin fever and decided to take his crotchety old man-ness out on the town.

For real: who pissed in this kid’s coffee? I swear, if he makes it past 30 without someone hunting him down, he’s gonna be that old guy who yells at innocent little children (or, you know, his sister in law) to get off his lawn. Read More »

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In light of the recent engagement of mesh-shirt-wearing, Twitter-obsessed Michael Lohan and former Jon Gosselin flame Kate Majors (the chick who quit her job at Star Magazine because she had fallen in love with the deadbeat dad), we are forced to wonder: could Kate Major be in the Guinness Book for World Records for having the worst taste in men on this planet?

We thought so, but then we started thinking and, while sad and seemingly impossible, there are a few women out there who might be digging even deeper in the dung pit of horrible men. And here they are: the only 5 women on earth who have worst taste than Ms. Major.

Read More »

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