It’s the end of an era. After 6 seasons of fake drama, long and uncomfortable staring, and fights over cocktails that no one seems to pay for, The Hills is coming to an end tonight. There are many rumors surrounding tonight’s one-hour episode, like whether Speidi will make an appearance, if LC will show up and if Audrina and JB will get back together. I don’t know what is going to happen but after watching 101 episodes of the show, I know one thing for sure: nothing is really going to happen at all.

Still, just knowing that the final episode of The Hills is a mere 6 hours away has me all torn up inside. It’s like saying goodbye to your best friends on the last day of sleep away camp. Or packing up at the end of freshman year. I’m sad.  I’ve known The Hills kids for longer than some of my friends. We’ve been through so much together, from LC and Jason’s epic break-up to Whitney’s departure to New York to the crash and burning of Lauren and Heidi’s relationship. And now, after 40 minutes of “drama”, 20 minutes of commercials, and an aftershow with those two really annoying MTV people, it’s just going to end. And I’ll be left with nothing but a gaping hole in my heart and nothing to watch on Tuesday nights.

The only thing getting me through this time of heartache and pain is the hope that, in true MTV fashion, one or more of our favorite Hills cast members will get a spin-off. And if that’s the case, I have an idea of what those shows will be:

Stare Down With Audrina Patridge:
In this half-hour game show, contestants will face Audrina Patridge for a staring contest. The rules are simple: the one who blinks first loses and has to have a 30 minute conversation with Ms. P while running their finger’s through Justin Bobby’s hair. The one who wins takes home a brand new set of boobs.

Justin Bobby: Who Can Stand Me?:
Much like The Bachelor, Rock of Love and For the Love of Ray J, Justin Bobby invites 12 women to an oversized mansion in L.A. to compete for his love. But instead of giving out fedoras in “the most dramatic fedora ceremony yet,” Justin just acts like himself, mumbles about love and burps at dinner. The woman who can stand him the longest wins a spot on the back of his motorcycle.

Stephanie Pratt: The Sober Life
Follow Ms. Pratt as she attempts to live her post-DUI life sans Vodka Red Bulls. Can she go on dates without having a glass of wine? Shop without an early morning mimosa?? This one’s so chock full of drama it will get a full hour of MTV prime time.

Ryan Cabrera: Surreal Life
That’s the show for washed-up has beens, right?

Lo Bosworth: How to be Normal in L.A.
Lo hits the mean hallways of LAX to ambush the new crop of ladies making their way west to make their “dreams come true.” Before they can hit the California sunshine and get brainwashed by the Heidi Montags of the world, Lo sits them down and gives them a crash course on staying low-key and fabulous in the city of Angels. With special guest appearances by her adorable boyfriend, of course.

Brody Jenner: Bromance
Oh wait… that one already happened.

"Let's go to this relaxing yoga class and disrupt everyone while we gossip in Downward Dog!"

With the series finale of The Hills coming up next week (moment of silence….) it seems the producers tried to pack as much as they could into last night’s episode. For the first time in history we only got one long stare (between Stephanie and her motorcycle man)! But that might have something to do with the fact that Audrina was M.I.A. And besides the gratuitous 30 seconds of booty shots before the crew walked into the club, most of the episode was actually things happening:

Stephanie Meets a Boy
And despite Brody’s attempts to scare him off, her weirdly giant hair on their date, and the fact that she can’t drink, he actually likes her! I still don’t understand what the big deal is about ordering soda on a date – both of them mentioned feeling weird about it – but whatever. Steph has her own sorta-Justin Bobby now so yay for her.

Mama Montag Comes to Town
And Holly puts on all the makeup she has on her vanity to welcome her. Seriously, she looked like a Geisha. I was sorta hoping we’d see Mama bang on Heidi’s door and then get dragged away by the cops as Spencer threw crystals at her, but all I got was a little crying over brunch. There’s always next week, right? RIGHT?!

Lo Celebrates her One Year Anniversary
And toasts her adorable BF with a shot. God, I love that girl. And I love that boy. They are so cute together and their post-date snuggle sesh officially goes down as the cutest moment in Hills history. We haven’t seen adorableness like that since Brody came out of Kristin’s room in her crop top LC and Justin cuddled up on the porch of their Malibu beach house after she skipped Paris to spend the summer with him. Let’s just hope Lo’s man doesn’t start doing drugs and punching bouncers outside of bars.

Frankie Falls off a Bike
Homeboy needs some training wheels.

Kristin Professes her Love for Brody and Gets Shot Down
Sigh. This whole thing makes me want to scream. Much like the Vienna/Jake interview, I wasn’t sure who I wanted to punch more in this little scenario. We’ve got Kristin who plays games with Brody for two years and pretends she wants nothing more than a little boom boom when everyone (except Brody, apparently) knows that’s not the case. And then we’ve got Brody who pretended to not know that Kristin wanted more than boom boom just so he could get some for two years while he waits for another Playboy bunny (or Avril Lavigne??) to come along. Seriously, dude? That’s the pussiest move I’ve ever seen. I know Brody isn’t the sharpest tack in the drawer, but he does know his way around a lady and he definitely knew what he was doing. He can blame this entire thing on poor KK (“It’s too late”), and she deserves some of the blame for never speaking up, but he knew exactly what he was doing and is a super selfish prick for messing with one of his friends.

Hm. I guess I do know who I want to punch more. Watch your back, Brody…. and Jake Pavelka!

Whew. Just recapping that episode wiped me out. Good thing I have a week to recover before the giant series finale. Will LC come back? Will Heidi come out of hiding? Will she have even bigger boobs? Will Justin Bobby propose to Audrina? Will Brody chase Kristin as she (fake) leaves LA? Will we finally learn how Stacie knows Kristin? Will Ryan Cabrera make a cameo in jorts?

It’s gonna be an hour so anything’s possible! OMG I can’t wait.

There’s not much to say about the 99^th episode of The Hills.

Audrina broke up with Ryan. Allie and Kristin had a fight at a club. The group went boating. And Justin Bobby came.

And that’s it.

Honestly, if it weren’t for the awkward break-up scene between Ryan (Cabrera) and Audrina, there would really be nothing worth talking about. Thankfully, these two had the most vague and pointless conversation in The Hills history (and that’s saying a lot), which made this episode worth sitting through. Tweedle Double D and Tweedle Spiky hair said a whole lot of words (presumably to fill up the time usually allocated to Speidi), but said nothing at all.

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what was really going on though:

Ryan asks Audrina why she left his “concert.”

What Audrina said: “It was a little uncomfortable.”
What Audrina was really saying: “I just came from hooking up with Justin Bobby and then I saw you standing there… in tight white jeans.”

What Ryan said: “I was so thrown off. I’m trying to make us work, and…”
What Ryan was really saying: “Please don’t leave me. I was just starting to make my comeback. I need you and this show. After Ashlee left me for Pete Wentz I had nothing to live for. And then your boobs came into my life and you’re the only girl dumb enough to find my hair attractive.”

What Audrina said: “It just…it doesn’t seem to be going smoothly.”
What Audrina was really saying: “I don’t know how else to tell you I find you repulsive and annoying without hurting your feelings. Justin Bobby is so much hotter than you.”

What Ryan said: “Yeah I just don’t know how to properly move forward…you know. I know you’re dealing with a lot of stuff that’s hard for you to deal with but I think it’s the smartest thing is just to take a second and think, ‘can we make it work?’”
What Ryan was really saying: “I want to go up to my room and cry into my stuffed dog right now, but I need to get paid so I’m going to say a lot of vague things with lots of words so we can make this conversation last a little bit longer.”

What Audrina said: “We talked about making things work together and working out issues and it seems like there’s always something.”
What Audrina was really saying: “There’s not really something, I’m just over you. But I need to keep talking/staring awkwardly over your shoulder until producers tell me we’ve got the shot.”

What Ryan said: “I don’t really know how to, you know, fix the problem.”
What Ryan is really saying: “I actually have no idea what the problem is, but you are making no sense… I can’t believe I wasted a glass of wine on you.”

What Audrina said: “It’s just something that, I guess….”
What Audrina was really saying: “Uh…I don’t know what to say now. A little help? [Looks at production team.]”

What Ryan said: “You think we’re done.”
What Ryan was really saying: “Well, I guess it’s time to head back to obscurity.”

And time for Audrina to get on a boat and talk about love and relationships with a turtleneck-peacoated Justin Bobby. I was hoping, wishing, waiting for something to happen (not a kiss…more like JB falling in the water), but then the show ended. Harumph.

Let’s hope something (ANYTHING) exciting happens for the 100th episode of The Hills. The cast will be in Costa Rica for the big event so maybe Kristin will attempt to smuggle drugs back into the U.S.? Spencer and Heidi will pop out of the jungle while running from another season of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here”? Brody will refer to Kristin as his sister, thus admitting that he’s been crushing on Kendall for years?

Meh. After the poor showing all season, I’m not holding my breath for anything but boredom.

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach.

But I also know that Kristin and JB were a huge point of drama last season and now everyone’s acting as if it never happened. And it did. KK can’t be all buddy buddy with Audrina now and talk to her about her relationship with Justin (much like she can’t pull off that Gucci bathing suit she was sportin’….) after she shoved him in Audrina’s face last year. And why isn’t it awkward city between the two of them? Huh?

Whew. It feels good to get that all off my chest. So therapeutic…

Now I can get to the real “meat” of the show. Which, oh wait, is pretty much all about Justin Bobby. There was a little something in there with Allie and Mckaela, but even thinking about that storyline puts me in a coma. And there was also a giant, nappy weave on Kristin’s head at the Nylon party but thinking of that makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Oh, and Steph had a date and told him what he probably already discovered on Google. So let’s just focus on the good stuff.

Like when Justin showed up at Les Deux. (BTW, how great is it that they’re going back there again? It’s like the Peach Pit of The Hills and they’re really bringing this show full circle by returning to their stomping grounds from LC’s first months in L.A.). So Justin rolls in, shakes Audrina’s hand and then expresses his Ryan Cabrera disdain to Brody:

“That girl deserves the world.”  Apparently in Justin Bobby land, “the world” is a guy currently sporting a bouffant who burps on dates, cheats on her, and lies to her face for three years.

“He’s a rock and roller, dude. Women will be around.” Uh, not to be nit picky, Justin, but trust me on this one: no he’s not and no they won’t.

I mean, did you see the kid performing? Audrina did. And she cried. At first I thought maybe it was because she had just cheated on him with Justin Bobby (Why else would she show up late with a messy ponytail on top of her head??) and felt all guilty when she saw how sweet and innocent he was, but then I realized it was probably because her boyfriend was singing a 2003 MTV hit in a pair of white skinny jeans to a “crowd” of 1,000 people.

Girl, I’d cry too. And I’d probably put an end to things as well. She’s got a reputation to keep (not to mention ratings to maintain) and everyone knows Ryan is killing it for her. He’s a nice guy, yes, but Audrina doesn’t like the nice guy. She likes the faux-philosophical, greasy, smelly, jerky guy. And unfortunately for Ryan Cabrera and the career he was hoping to save by getting on this show, that guy just rolled back into town. On his bad-ass motorcycle. That doesn’t even have a seat.

Let’s see if Cabrera can do that….without getting his white skinnies dirty.
Till next week, peeps!

It took every fiber of my being not to fall asleep during last night’s episode of The Hills. And not because I only slept for four hours on Monday night after an outdoor beer pong tournament went a little longer than expected. That sh*t was just boring. Boooooring. I swear, an 8am Bio lecture would have been more riveting than whatever happened (or did not happen) on The Hills.

Not that I shouldn’t have expected it. When the show started with Kristin and Stacy talking in a salon while two random stylists just sorta moved their hair around, I should have known I was in for a snoozer.

Now that Speidi’s out of the picture (and busy with their “divorce”), MTV’s really scraping the bottom of the drama barrel. You know you’ve got problems when the return of Justin Bobby and his combat boots is the most exciting thing going on. It seems those producers searched high and low for an exciting storyline to round out the final season…. And then gave up. I can only imagine what that production meeting was like.

“OK, so Spencer accused me of sexually harassing Heidi, so they’re out. What do we have now?”

[Crickets.]

“Ughhh. Fine. Let’s just bring in the girl who spells her name all funny who is more boring than LC and then…. Hmmm… I got it! Let’s bring in that 40-year-old woman who broke into Brody’s house a few years back.”

And there you have it. The final season of The Hills.

I have to give it to those MTV peeps, though. I mean, it’s not like they’re not trying. Getting Mckaela a “job” with Lo and having them become BFFs is sure to stir the pot, right? Of course they know (or instructed her to) Lo would invite Mckaela to Steph’s (sober) birthday party, even though every girl who’s ever had a guy friend knows that’s a bad idea. Come on – she’s Brody’s friend first, right? If he wanted LC’s doppelganger there he would have invited her himself. Get with it, Lo.

Rule #1 when having a player guy friend: You don’t get close to the girl until the relationship is official. Otherwise it’s awkward city.

But it was fine; Mckaela came prepared, a la Daniel Staub when she attended that event at the Brownstone, and she brought protection. In the form of a creepy, old looking blonde. And when they walked in, I was pumped. I perked up in my seat, hoping for the first time in 12 minutes that something exciting was going to happen. That maybe there would be a girl fight (with hair pulling and clawing). That producers would have to bust in and pull the girls apart like they do every single episode on The Duel.

But all I got was Brody and Kristin storming out for some late night nookie.
Snooze.

And then if things couldn’t get any more boring, Ryan Cabrera came back to town. From a two week “tour.” And what did Audrina do? Hug him like a 6^th grader at a middle school dance and then come up with 12 reasons why they shouldn’t be together. Naturally, because Audrina is the best this kid is ever gonna do now that Ashlee Simpson is married and a mama, Ryan fought back, shooting down every excuse Audrina came up with. And naturally, Audrina’s brain went into overload and she melted down, unable to come up with a response.

So I guess they’re still together?
Snore.

Eventually the show ended, Kristin and Mckaela met up for a drink (which no one paid for) and I passed out on my couch like a little baby with a belly full of warm milk.

So in the end, I guess the show wasn’t a total loss; I haven’t slept that well in weeks.

"I don't let her use the computer or watch TV. And at night I lock her in a room and pump more silicon into her boobs, lips and brain."

So it seems the people behind The Hills really want to go out with a bang…. and reignite Ryan Cabrera’s failed music career. It worked for Gaga (remember when LC and Whitney had to style her at some event a few seasons back?), so maybe Mr. Cabrera will be donning leotards and selling out stadiums around the world in a few years.

Despite the fact that 25% of last night’s episode was made up of scenery shots and Top 40 hits, the drama was most definitely there. And, as usual, it was all about Heidi, Spencer and whatever weird Hollywood Hills Cult they’ve joined. Like most people watching, I was shocked to see Spencer out of the house (with only 12 versus his usual 200 necklaces) and at the bar with the rest of the crew. I thought he just stayed home, played with his crystals (no, that is not a euphemism) and pet baby goats. But I guess he got a little cabin fever and decided to take his crotchety old man-ness out on the town.

For real: who pissed in this kid’s coffee? I swear, if he makes it past 30 without someone hunting him down, he’s gonna be that old guy who yells at innocent little children (or, you know, his sister in law) to get off his lawn.

It’s a good thing everyone’s stopped worrying about Kristin’s drug problem so they could all talk about spray tanning gather in her house to figure out what the hell they’re gonna do with those two freaks. Nevermind they’re concern for Heidi’s safety, though; I was more focused on how nice Kristin’s place was. Most of the twenty-somethings I know lounge on futons and Ikea furniture – is this what I have to look forward to after I toss my cap in the air? If so, bring on graduation!

But Spencer and Heidi weren’t the only ones stirring the pot. Brody was building a deck of drama cards all his own. On just another night on the town (because what else do these kids have to do?) he tries to get down and dirty with Ms. Patridge. I knew he’d try to work that magic eventually (even though she is clearly dating that real life cartoon character, Ryan Cabrera), but I thought homeboy had more game than:

“There’s some things I want to talk about wit you that I couldn’t say when I had a girlfriend.”

Uh… couldn’t he just buy her some shots, start grinding into the back of her on the dance floor and make out with her in the corner? Isn’t that how most hook ups start these days? Who says that? And what exactly would he say to her if she agreed to have that chat with him? “Uh, I like your boobs,” and “I’d hook up with you….”

Way to let me down, Brode Man. Now I totally understand how you ended up in a crop top at Casa de Kristin. And how you’ll inevitably end up entangled in serious girl drama when Kristin sees you with some other chica. Yeah, she says she’s “really happy being single,” but that’s what every girl says when she wants the guy she’s been in love with for 7 years to think she’s not that into him. I know the truth, though (and not just because I watched the scenes from next week’s episode); that bitch is cray cray and she’ll use those chunky new heels she favors to beat down anyone that gets between her and her Kristin-Jenner-happily-ever-after.

I just hope that somehow, that person is Spencer Pratt.

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In light of the recent engagement of mesh-shirt-wearing, Twitter-obsessed Michael Lohan and former Jon Gosselin flame Kate Majors (the chick who quit her job at Star Magazine because she had fallen in love with the deadbeat dad), we are forced to wonder: could Kate Major be in the Guinness Book for World Records for having the worst taste in men on this planet?

We thought so, but then we started thinking and, while sad and seemingly impossible, there are a few women out there who might be digging even deeper in the dung pit of horrible men. And here they are: the only 5 women on earth who have worst taste than Ms. Major.

Britney Spears:
How could we even start a list like this without this woman?  With the exception of Justin Timberlake (and hey, we don’t even know if he’s that awesome as a bf) her dating list has been a train wreck.  I mean, we owe the celebrity of KFed to her alone. And who can forget that time she invited paparazzi Adnan Ghalib to get a first-hand look at her life? Ugh, don’t even get me started on that facial hair. Brava, Britney, brava.

Jessica Simpson:
When she first came on the scene, we loved her as the newlywed to boybander Nick Lachey.  Precious.  But following the end of that marriage, it was stinker after stinker.  John Mayer?  Scum.  Tony Romo?  Engaged less than a year after their two-year relationship ends.  Billy Corgan?  …Weird.

Ashlee Simpson:
I guess when your dad is Joe Simpson you’re pretty much guaranteed to fall for dbags. When we first heard of Jessica’s punky younger sister she was dating Ryan Cabrera.  At the time, this wasn’t so bad, but seriously?  That guy?  We get it, your dad was managing him too, but his hair actually makes me angry.  Now, she’s happily wedded to…Pete Wentz.  Yes, that Pete Wentz, who wears more eyeliner than me, got a tattoo of his friend’s face on himself and has been known to walk around with a paper plate mask on to “fool” the paparazzi.  Good one, dude.  Wah wah.

Sandra Bullock:
Sorry, but home girl has to be on here. Sure, she’s had some pretty great guys in her past (Tate Donovan and Ryan Gosling, just to name some hotness), but her recent dud cancels all that out. From the facial hair to the tats to the whole “I’m secretly a neo-Nazi who likes to bang other women on my office couch,” Jesse James is pretty scumtastic. You know the guy is bad when I’d rather spend a night with Jon Gosselin than spend a minute breathing the same air as this guy.

Anyone Who’s Ever Been on Rock/Flavor of Love: Ok so for at least three seasons, women were falling all over themselves to get with either Bret Michaels or Flava Flav.  Yes, Flava Flav.  An aging rock star with extensions and tattooed eyeliner is pretty bad, but it has to be said, at least at one point Bret Michaels was hot.  Flava Flav looks like a tiny raisin wearing a clock around his neck.  That is like cartoon character status, but for some insane reason, skanks the world over want to be this guy’s lady.  That is the ultimate in bad taste.  Sorry hos, your time is up.

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