If you’re not a huge gossiper/have a subscription to every tabloid/read the gossip blogs religiously/understand the issue that is Suri Cruise’s choice in footwear, it’s hard to understand what all your crazy, celebrity-obsessed friends are talking about. I mean, it’s hard enough to tell the Jonas Brothers apart – how does anyone keep up with Britney Spears’ relationship status (are they on? off? on? is she shaving her head again?!)?

It’s exhausting and you’ve got more important things to do than look at who Perez Hilton is drawing penises on this week. So let me help and be your Cliff’s Notes of gossip. I’ll bring you the 5 biggest Hollywood happenings of the week so you know what’s going on to the most important people on earth. (That was sarcasm, in case you didn’t get it.)

1. Obviously, the top news in La La Land is the alleged infidelities of Jesse James against his wife, Oscar-winner Sandra Bullock. According to sources, James had an 11-month affair with tattoo model, Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. Although there are conflicting stories, Jesse James issued an apology this week saying, “The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment.” He continued, apologizing to his wife and children. Sandra Bullock moved out of their home on Monday and pulled out of the UK premiere of The Blind Side due to “unforeseen personal circumstances.” There’s a lot left to come out of this story, so let’s hope it’s not another Tiger Woods saga.

2. Speaking of which, one of Tiger’s 4,587 big boobed mistresses launched a website today called Sexting Joslyn James where you can read all the naughty (and I mean naughty!) things Tiger sent to the lovely porn star. Seriously, this guy likes it freaky.

3. In still more relationship news, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes officially split this week after going through a trial separation when things hit a rough patch while filming together on Revolutionary Road. Rumors have been circulating that Mendes may have cheated with actress Rebecca Hall, but his rep quickly denied those allegations. The pair split amicably and want to remain friends for the sake of their kids. Kate is supposedly relying on her good friend, Leonardo DeCaprio for support during this difficult time. Perhaps he’ll ditch Bar Rafaeli and give us all the happy ending we’ve been waiting for!?

4. The Runaways, and that “steamy” kiss shared by Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart we’ve all been hearing about, opens today. Will it be more than just a girl on girl kiss between everyone’s favorite child actress and that Twilight girl who never smiles? We’ll have to wait and see.

5. Shiloh Jolie Pitt is still being criticized for wearing pants and having a short haircut. The tabloids are tearing her (a very small child) apart and wonder WTF is happening in the Jolie-Pitt chalet that could lead to such a travesty. It is so serious, in fact, that this story was in 2 magazines this week. TWO!

In Other News…
1. Sarah McLachlan just announced she’ll be releasing a new album on June 15! She hasn’t done new material for 7 years except those depressing animal commercials, so this is something to look forward to!

2. Heidi Montag fired her creepy, pyschic manager after only a few days. She’s been filming her cameo (alongside her boobs) on the set of Adam Sandler’s new movie Just Go With It. Also her and Spencer no longer want to be referred to as Speidi since he isn’t her manager anymore. Right.

3. Betty White said this week that the producers of Dancing With The Stars have been after her for the next season! She declined the offer because well she’s old! Waaahhhh (Snooki voice). But you can catch Betty White on Saturday Night Live May 8!

4. Chelsea Handler’s new book Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang was released this week. Go out and grab it!

5. Robert Pattinson is still hot.

I hope you all got your paycheck because the list this week is enticing. Ignore the recession and that “budget” you set (where all funds go to Coors and clothes); go ahead and splurge this week for a new CD or DVD, espesh my pick of the week:

The Happening (!!!)

I have loved M. Night Shyamalan films since The Sixth Sense, so obvi his latest DVD is a must-have.

Not a fan of M. Night’s crazy flicks? Don’t worry; here are a few other DVD releases to pick up this week:

You Don’t Mess With the Zohan (Adam Sandler as an Israeli fighting hair stylist? How could that not be awesome?

30 Rock: Season 2 (The perfect fix until the new season starts!)

Now for some serious tune-age. While I wish I could put every new release from every genre, there isn’t enough time or space. Here are some of the highlights:

No Molestar- Marco Antonio Solis

Tell Tale Signs: The Bootleg Series Vol 8 – Bob Dylan

Break Up the Concrete- The Pretenders

Dig Out Your Soul- Oasis

Closer- The Best of Sarah McLachlan

Live at Shea Stadium- The Clash

Greatest Hits- Tim McGraw

Forever More- Tesla

Well there you have it; if I missed a few, sorry. Which releases will you be takin’ home?