Oh, Scarlett Johansson, you look like you climbed out of a classy strip club that only gave you clothes from the clearance rack in Wet Seal. WHAT happened? I’ll give it to Cosmo and their ability to take a modest and bangin’ starlet and turn her into a slutty hybrid of herself — yeesh.

Moving on from that bad purple lace dress and nappy hair job, I flew across some interesting factoids about how to boost his ego after sex. How does Cosmo want you to do it? Say, “That thing you do with your tongue is unbelievable!” Whew, I’m getting exhausted just thinking about this. But maybe it’s just been too long since I’ve had a popsicle. Later, Cosmo dug into Google to see what men want to know most about women. The top search? “Why does my girlfriend’s vag smell.”  Great, looks like men STILL don’t care about anything but sex.

In a touchy-feely article called ‘Touches That Lock Down His Love,’ Cosmo taught us that stroking his earlobe between your thumb and index finger calms him when he’s stressed. And when he’s telling you a story you’re suppose to reach toward him with your palm up. Finally, an article jam packed of quirky things I can do with my hands to make him fall in love with me!

In one of the more disgusting articles of the month, Cosmo listed some whacked-out one liners of men talking about “that time of the month.” Let’s just say the first line I read was, “Does the blood come out of your sex hole or one of the other two?” Then, I threw up in my mouth and moved on due the expense of man-ignorance and disgust.

But the best article of the month was the kinkiest one, of course; called ‘Kinky-Lite Sex Moves Guys Love.’ Meanwhile, I’ll try to decide if Cosmo knows the difference between the ‘O’ face and the ‘OMG WTF’ face.

Cosmo Says: Hand him your vibrator, and tell him to use it on himself while you watch.

Brittany Says: Well, that’s awkward. And not natural. You don’t eat a banana and then hand it to your boyfriend. “Hey, I want you to eat this so I can watch.” See? Not natural.

Cosmo Says: At a crowded bar, pull him into a dark corner, pin him up against a wall with your body, and stealthily slip your hands down his pants.

Brittany Says: I want to know what kind of bars people are hanging out at. Where there aren’t many people and enough dark corners to pull something like this off. I know any bar I went to would see more than they bargained for if this went down.

Cosmo Says: Order him to not get an erection when you go down on him. Once he does, punish him by throwing him on the bed.

Brittany Says: Ugh, how confusing! “You feel GREAT right now because I’m touching you? YOU NEED TO STOP.” If anything, do something like this if your boyfriend is all up in your tree when you’re not feeling it. He will get thoroughly confused and pipe right down.

Cosmo Says: Use a nontoxic, washable marker to write numbers on your body parts that indicate what order he should lick them.

Brittany Says: Do you guys remember those scented black licorice markers you used in third grade? Suddenly I have that taste in my mouth when I used to try and eat them. Weird.

Kate Middleton is named the queen of British fashion

Should we stop keeping up with the Kardashians?

Social media’s somewhat negative effect on relationships

Scarlett Johansson opens up about about the nude photo scandal

Lilo gets her teeth fixed!

Superman is looking mighty fine

Can your f-buddy become your boyfriend?

Pairing ankle boots with a black jacket

Breaking up with your bffle

Our favorite young at heart films

Scarlett Johansson gets her justice

There’s such a thing as a couture lollipop….and it’s made by The Situation

Makeup mistakes happen to even the pretties of celebs

Flattering ways to wear bright makeup

You can survive midterms!

Urkel is that you??

Does cheating actually help a relationship?

What to eat before a big test

Scarlett Johansson confronts those naked pictures

Great movie boyfriends that would be terrible in real life

80s and 90s kids really had it the best

Those crazy celebs and their outrageous demand

The next comedian to get their own show….Dane Cook

Are all guys douchebags?

•Getting fashion inspiration from our favorite musical, ‘Wicked’

The top paid ladies of TV

It’s not too early to think about holiday gifts...right?

While we’re all busy staying up until ridiculous hours of the night studying for finals and attempting to get some holiday shopping done at the same time, Hollywood has been… breaking up some of it’s cutest couples? At least it’s reassuring to know that while we’re stressing, celebs are always there to keep us entertained.

An A+ on Your 20-Page Research Paper

1. Zac and Vanessa call it quits. This might possibly be the most devastating breakup since Brad and Jen. Who didn’t love this adorable Disney couple? They stayed together for 4 years, survived Vanessa’s naked pics, the gay rumors surrounding Zac, and Megan Fox’s flirting – we thought they’d be together forever! And now I’m just confused… should I be upset that they’re over, or excited that Zac is single again? Because as much as I loved this couple, I mean… look at him.

2. Golden Globe nominations were announced! Awards season is upon us, and I can’t wait to bum out on the couch with some popcorn to see who wins what and who wears what! As predicted, the nominations were full of Inception, The Social Network, The Fighter, and Black Swan. I, of course, was ecstatic to see James Franco nominated for Best Actor. If you haven’t seen all of these, get ready to do some serious movie-watching so you’re not behind.

3. Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are getting a divorce. It upsets me that two of the most beautiful people ever can’t even make it work. They were married for two years and were one of Hollywood’s most private couples – so private, in fact, that even friends were shocked by the split. The couple has released a statement saying, “While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.” Hey, at least they understand this business.

4.  Miley fans are out of control crazy. Since Miley Cyrus’s “surprising” bong smoking video hit the Internet, everyone has been wondering not only why she was stupid enough to be video-taped doing it, but also… who had the brains to record it? Well, it’s now being reported that Anna Oliver, a friend of Miley’s and -GASP- Demi Lovato’s, was the one who allegedly taped the incident. Was it an elaborate plot of revenge or just innocent fun? We have no idea, but Miley fans are out for blood. No, seriously. They’ve been harassing Anna Oliver on Twitter since the news came out, even going as far as to create Twitters JUST to send her death threats. Beetches are crazy!

5. Mark Zuckerberg was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. Mark Zuckerberg is the world’s youngest billionaire who gives his money away to people who need it, he’s changed the way we interact, and oh yeah, he created Facebook. And considering I’ve never met a college student (or really anyone, for that matter) who can’t function if they’re not up-to-date with Facebook, this achievement is beyond huge. So yeah, I’d say he deserves this honor more than anyone today.

A D on That Sociology Final

1. The Adams Family – I mean the Kardashians – took a really weird Christmas card picture. This is just weird. Forget the fact that there is nothing Christmasy at all about this – they don’t even look real. I literally had to do a double-take when I first saw it because I thought they were wax mannequins. Why are they wearing these ridiculous outfits for a Christmas card? And why are none of them even smiling? I’m just creeped out.

2. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannnon are having twins! Yay, the rumors were true – not one, but two little babies will be invading their lives soon! No matter how weird you may think this couple is (I can’t be the only one), this is still cute, and you can’t help but be happy for them.

3. Even more couples break up. Dexter stars Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter file for divorce (maybe playing siblings on the show was getting too weird?), and Nip/Tuck star Dylan Walsh is also divorcing his wife. Oh yeah, and Elizabeth Hurley and her husband are divorcing. Did I miss something? Is this divorce week?

4. Chelsea Handler pretty much confirmed she’s dating 50 Cent. She tweeted a photo of them in bed, and said, “I don’t know why anyone thinks I would ever date a rapper.” They may win the award for most random couple of 2010.

5. Gwyneth Paltrow is returning to Glee! While I never thought she’d be good on the show, she ended being pretty great. So all I have to say to this is, yay!

The MTV Movie Awards have come and gone and it was quite a show. From the Les Grossman opening to Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell hanging from the ceiling (“My testicles are numb….”) to the awkwardness-as-they-tried-to-be-funny-without-actually-admitting-to-being-together when Kristen and Rob won Best Kiss, there was a whole lot going on. And who can forget Betty White’s tribute to Sandra Bullock? Or Ken Jeong channeling Lady Gaga in his leopard leotard?

Or how about the 3 times someone said “f**k” and the sensors missed it?

All in all, it was a great show, but like any award show, what really mattered at the end of the night was what everyone was wearing. And like any MTV event, there was a whole lot of good and a whole lotta OMG, WTF is that!?

The Best of the Best:

The key to rockin’ out on the MTV Movie Awards red carpet is too look cool and classy, and these ladies did it right. Jessica Biel looked ladylike, toned and fresh, and that skirt was not only super fly, but look at those legs! Scarlett Johansson’s green contrasted perfectly with her pale skin and the dress hugged her in all the right places. Not that it’s hard when you look like her. And Whitney Port‘s mini was sexy, fun and young, just like the gorgeous gal workin’ it down the carpet.

WTF, yo?

While everyone is allowed to have more fun with their MTV Award fashion than, say, the Oscars, some attendees took things a bit too far. I have no words for Katy Perry. She looks like a slutty smurf. I know she was trying to look good for her “California Gurls” performance but, seriously Katy, we do not dress like that in California. And WTF is that ’70s jumpsuit, Lindsay Lohan? I get that you are trying to hide the SCRAM bracelet, but there’s got to be a better way than a glittery, wide-legged unitard. And I don’t know who you are, Chelsea Korka, but suspenders do not make that trashtastic little ensemble red-carpet appropriate. Even J-Woww looked classier than you and, well, that’s saying a lot.

Drool

While most of the red carpet attention is on the ladies, you can’t talk about an award show red carpet and not talk about the delicious man candy. And it was extra sweet last night. I didn’t think it was possible for Paul Rudd to get any sexier, but throw a suit and some scruff on the guy and, sigh, I’m sold. Zac Efron, on the other hand, finally shaved that trash ‘stache, put on some sexy tight jeans and made me want to do evil things to Vanessa Hudgens swoon. And Mark Salling? Be still, my mohawked heart.

What did you think of the MTV Movie Awards? Who were your favorites of the night?

Every day we’re bombarded with a million different messages about what we are supposed to look like. And tell you what, our not-so-scientific-yet-totally-accurate visual research proves that 99% of girls out there don’t fit the mold. So instead of telling you how to wear your hair, or how much weight to lose, or which one of Heidi Montag’s many surgeries to get (because, really, look where that got her), we’re going to celebrate these so-called beauty flaws with beautiful women every single week.

Last week we celebrated the natural nose. Today, let’s talk about curves.

It’s no secret that Hollywood likes their actresses to look anorexic-chic. But that doesn’t mean that all the women in Hollywood are conforming to that reasonable ridiculous standard. This week we’re putting on a spotlight on the curvy and voluptuous celebrities who haven’t let their bigger bodies stop them from having even bigger careers.

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Shizz went down this week: Biebs has a tat, Miley is still a bird, and George Lopez cheated on his wife (the same wife who GAVE HIM HER KIDNEY) with some hookers. You know, just another week.  Anyway, while it pains me that I know so much about the lives of these people, I’m happy to report the deets for all of you. I really am a martyr. You’re welcome.

Golden Nuggets of Information

1. Lindsay Lohan has a warrant out for her arrest with a bail set for $100,000! Lindsay was supposed to appear in court this week, but instead she went to Cannes to promote her new film Deep Throat, which hasn’t even been approved yet. When it was time for her to fly home, her passport was “stolen” but the police have no record of her reporting it stolen! Lindsay sent out an email asking friends for a private jet to get her back to L.A. so she wouldn’t miss her court date, but there was no such luck. (She shoulda called Doug Reinhardt, right?) So when she gets back to the States, she’ll be in the slammer. So….that’s 1 Lohan in jail, 3 to go?

2. Bret Michaels is back in the hospital! Boo, this is bad news! Bret was experiencing numbness in the left side of his body, and doctors found a hole in his heart. The condition is treatable, but he needs to take it easy. Bret is trying to get back to his career and wants to appear on the finale of Celebrity Apprentice, however especially after his recent brain hemorrhage, homeboy needs to rest. Get on that Rock of Love bus better soon, Bret!

3. Matt Lauer and his wife, Annette, are not getting divorced despite last week’s reports that Matt was cheating. He says he did not move out, and Annette also denied the allegations. I hoped this story wasn’t true from the beginning, so I’m glad these two are trying to move past the tabloid headlines.

4. John Travolta and Kelly Preston are expecting! This is so great for them, especially after the loss of their son, Jett, last year. And the couples’ two dogs were just killed this week in a freak accident at an airport in Maine. They need some good energy in their life right now, so yay!

5. Megan Fox won’t be in Transformers 3. She claims she walked, but reps for the movie are saying she was fired. Who’s telling the truth? My bet’s on Michael Bay. They want Shia to have another love interest (pick me!) in the film, which is code for you shouldn’t say that your director was like Hitler.

Bronze Pebbles of Info

1. Jesse James is whining as he goes to court for a conflict with a clothing company. He’s asking that they leave out any evidence relating to his sex life, Sandra Bullock, etc. Dude, those things reflect your character. Get over it.

2. Amanda “Minge” Seyfried and Dominic Cooper are reportedly on a break, and he was seen partying with Lindsay Lohan in Cannes. Get back together, I beg you. But first, Dominic, get an STD test. Who knows what Lindsay’s carrying around these days?

3. Scarlett Johansson’s mom, Melanie Sloan, adopted a baby girl named Fenan from Ethiopia! How cute is that?

4. James Franco is returning to General Hospital. Hooray! I don’t know if he can’t get other work, but I will watch anything that he’s on.

5. Weekly Hotness: Jennifer Aniston looks AH-MAY-ZING in a new Smart Water ad. Brad Pitt, go kick yourself now.

This makes me feel better about myself.

The hottest mamas in Hollywood.

Everyone needs a pair of espadrilles.

5 reasons to love The Gap.

College cafs want their stuff back, thankyouverymuch.

Nice moves, Kevin Jonas.

Finally, we’ve made it through a week without a cheating scandal! Hollywood’s finest has managed to keep it in their pants for a whole seven days. Good job, celebutards!

Crucial Information

1. Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage this week, landing him in the ICU in a Phoenix hospital. Doctors think the cause may be from his diabetes. He is doing a lot better and is now speaking, which is a big improvement. His team is hoping he’ll be well enough to resume his tour at the end of May. Get well soon, we need another season of Rock of Love!

2. Sandra Bullock is a mom! I can’t believe she kept this secret under wraps for so long. Sandra and Jesse have been in the adoption process for four years and brought the 3 1/2 month old baby home before the Oscars. Since the news of Jesse’s infidelity broke, Sandra has confirmed she has filed for divorce and is adopting as a single parent. Good for her! It’s nice to see her getting back on her feet.

3. It’s the Biebonic plague! Justin Bieber has caused massive insanity in Australia and New Zealand this week. Bieber Fever hit and about ten girls fainted and a few went to the hospital. I love me some Biebs, but this is out of control. Someone even pushed his mom!

4. Jenna Jameson’s boyfriend, Tito Ortiz, was arrested for domestic violence earlier this week. Jameson reportedly had visible injuries and claimed he threw her into a bathtub, but she’s been having trouble keeping her stories straight. Ortiz said she has a painkiller addiction, but Jameson passed a drug test a few days ago. Yesterday, Jenna Jameson withdrew the allegations claiming the whole thing was a misunderstanding.

5. Lindsay Lohan continues to be a hot mess. This week she Tweeted up a storm after her fame whoring father, Michael Lohan, busted into her apartment with the cops. He proceeded to start a Twitter war with her and accused her of being HIV positive! This family needs to go to Dr. Drew therapy and get their shizz together.

Less Crucial Stuffs

1. Chelsea Handler is the latest victim of a sex tape scandal, but the comedian revealed it’s part of her stand-up reel. Whether that story is true or just a very clever cover-up, that woman can do no wrong in my book.

2. Gleeks get ready! The Glee tour dates have been released. It’s not a big tour, but if you’re in those areas, definitely check it out. And invite me!

3. Steve Carrell has sadly confirmed that the next season of The Office will be his last. Let’s hope they end the show completely, because as much as I love me some Jim, there’s no show without that man.

4. Katie Holmes will be playing Jacqueline Kennedy in the History channel’s series, The Kennedys. The Internet world doesn’t seem to think she’ll be able to handle the job, but at least she’ll be able to leave Tom Cruise’s watch for a few weeks.

5. Iron Man 2 comes out this weekend, so check out hottie Scarlett Johansson.