I saw Paranormal Activity 3 last weekend, and I loved/hated it. I hated how sweaty my hands got, but I loved how suspenseful it was. But some horror movies are not so good. These are horrors I will not be watching to get into the Halloween spirit, and you probably shouldn’t either.

initiating the gallery...

In Insidious, two parents are forced to cope with strange and supernatural occurrences that follow one of their three children’s mysterious comatose state. The film starts out strong, and even superior to most modern horror films. Unfortunately, due to lack of risk-taking, unoriginality, and a bizarre turn in the second half, Insidious falls into the realm of C-grade horror films.  And here is the list of the week, brought to you by those three fatal flaws.

7 Modern Horror Films that Insidious Could Have Learned From (also known as “Top 7 Movies You Should Rent Over the Weekend Rather than Seeing Insidious”):

The Blair Witch Project: Insidious shows far too much of what we’re meant to be afraid of. The reason that the first half is much scarier than the second is because the audience is forced to guess what exactly the source of our fear is like. The Blair Witch Project was a pioneer in not showing too much, or enough even. The creators knew that our imagination is a lot scarier than what you can put on that screen.

Drag Me to Hell: On that same note, if the film insists on showing us what our imagination can do better, it should compensate in other areas. If a movie wants to go corny and over the top, it needs to horrify us in some other way. Drag Me to Hell shows the forces that Christine is dealing with, and they can be laughable. But the film takes advantage of that cheesiness and gives some gross-out scenes that will make you cringe. And it also perfects the “creepy jig” technique (don’t ask).

Hide and Seek: If you want to be freaked out by a pale kid who draws creepy pictures, look no further than Hide and Seek. Obviously this film played that particular game better (pun intended…LOL?) because it stars Dakota Fanning and Robert De Niro. Okay, it’s not a critic’s favorite, but it’ll creep you out more than Insidious.

Orphan: I’m always embarrassed to admit that Orphan scared me more than most horror films do. But, I have to give credit where credit is due, so I am willing to put my shame aside. One of the reasons that Orphan is so freaky is because there are no limitations on scaring the bejesus out of the little kids in the film. Those kids went through everything (bare in mind that the little girl is deaf and yes it used against her and to scare us). Insidious has so many opportunities to get the same reactions from its audience, but it tiptoes away from them. The children are so far removed from the conflict that they’re gone most of the time.

Paranormal Activity 2: Combine the lessons from The Blair Witch Project and Orphan and you have Paranormal Activity 2.

Scream: Scream is the best horror-comedy of all time. And horror-comedies are practically impossible to do well (take my word for it, I’ve tried to write them). The trickiest thing about that particular genre is creating a balance between freaking out the audience and making them laugh. But also, very importantly, the film must prepare its audience for said laughter. Scream does this; Insidious does not. The comic relief in Insidious comes late to the party, which results in confusion as to whether we’re supposed to be laughing.  If you were planning on seeing Insidious, take the money you would have spent, put it in an envelope and bust that envelope open on April 15^th for a midnight showing of Scream 4.

The Uninvited: If you’re going to leave us craving for a good twist, give us one. Insidious had the potential built up to blow minds and keep the audience excited and invested until the last second. If a psychological element, such as the one in The Uninvited, had been thrown in there too, I would have been salivating.

The Shining: Not as modern as the rest, but my favorite movie of all time, so it has to have a place on this list. The Shining has a monopoly on creepy twin girls. Just don’t go there.

All that being said, Insidious really does has some redeeming qualities; it’s just not the college demographic. If you’re still curious to check it out, go for it, but take your middle-school-aged brother as well; he’ll get a kick out of it and that’ll make it more fun for the both of you. Don’t take a date that you’re craving to cling onto because they’ll likely just be weirded out that you’re actually afraid. The film has some awesome techniques with color and lighting. Honestly, the first hour was really impressive, I just wish they had scrapped and rewritten the last half.

Uh, back to my point. Choosing P. Hilton as your leading lady is NOT the way to an Oscar nom, people.  And don’t even get me started on the Saw films (what are we on, Saw XLIV now? Give it up already!). Scary flicks are supposed to be, uh, SCARY, not laughable, and they fail every. single. time. And the trailer for Shutter Island looks to be heading down the same path…only…wait, what?

A horror film directed by Martin Scorcese and starring….LEO!?

Leonardo DiCaprio plays Teddy Daniels, a U.S. Marshall sent to investigate the disappearance of a patient from Shutter Island’s Ashecliff Hospital (for the criminally insane, obvi). While on assignment, he begins to suspect that he is in danger at the hands of the sick and twisted hospital staff.

A desolate island, an insane asylum, creepy balding old people…it sounds like something I’ve seen (and fell asleep during) a million times, covered with some big names.  Why is Scorcese directing something like this. Why does it star DiCaprio, who is arguably the most talented actor our generation has seen? Why does the movie poster look eerily similar to the Haunted Mansion at Disney World?

So many questions.

Although it hasn’t come out yet (and I won’t be waiting in line to see it tonight), it seems to me that this plotline is way beneath it’s star director and A-list leading hottie actor. I wish these two Hollywood rock stars would leave the unrealistic horror flicks to the amateurs (Audrina Patridge), and keep bringing us gems like The Aviator and The Departed.

Because, take away the big names, I have a feeling Shutter Island would go straight to DVD-island.

What's that noise? Where's Olivia Benson?!

Some days I wake up in my NYC apartment, put on my robe, and walk around with a bowl of oatmeal saying “man oh man, am I real adult or what?” I pay bills, I clip coupons, and I change my sheets on a biyearly basis. It’s kinda like I’m checking my mailbox twice a day to see if anyone has sent me an official “you’re a functioning grown-up” certificate. It’s kinda equivalent in my head to a law degree or an MBA — in the sense that all three are frame-able.

But some nights, I lay awake in my bed, heart racing, scared sh*tless that a serial killer is going to break-in to my apartment, steal my stuff, murder me, and then use double-ply toilet paper to purposefully clog the very fragile toilets. My fears get even worse when my roommates spend the weekend away and I’m stuck hypothetically protecting our apartment all by myself. I go through enough possible murder scenarios in my head before bed that I could win in a “worst ways to be killed in NYC” brainstorming competition against Law and Order SVU and Lifetime Movie Network.

And I make things worse by watching scary movies alone. I don’t know why I ever thought watching the Home Alone trilogy before bed was a good idea. After making that genius movie decision, I slept with a butter knife under my pillow and a complimentary restaurant box of matches in my hand.

I don’t get why I can be a totally real adult during the day, but a complete kindergartner at night. What is the magic adult age when you’re old enough to spend a night home alone without freaking out every time you hear a noise?

In college I always felt safe before I went to bed. Maybe it was from the dorm security guards screening every resident as if we were boarding an airplane. Or maybe it was the false sense of security that going to bed drunk gave me. Either way I always felt totally safe — and that was with my dorm door unlocked and propped open.

Basically I have two choices right now. I can either install a fourth lock on my front door or I can call Syracuse and ask them what secret-service-reject-school they use to hire their dorm security. And then get drunk with him and have a peaceful night’s rest once again.

Yeah, I’m growin’ up.

Really, that sounds fun and all, but this year I just can’t stomach any more pink. That pepto bismol pink is everywhere I turn. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion? Check.

Believe me, I’m not bitter, I even enjoy romance and chick flicks from time to time, but for some reason I’m more excited about Friday the 13th than February 14th. I think it is fate that the two holidays have fallen in the same weekend because now when people ask what I am doing for the big holiday, I can say something like “drinking tequila and watching Saw IV.” (It’s not like they said which holiday!)

Some of you may be thinking that Friday the 13th isn’t a holiday, but you’re wrong! Friday the 13th is a day of horror movie marathons filled with snack foods and drinking games; it’s the day when some of the best scary movies of the year are released in theaters; and, of course, an excuse for a theme party. To kick off the big weekend of terror, I included my top 5 horror movies of all time.

5. Scream- Maybe it’s just nostalgia, but Scream will always be in my top favorites list. After all, it started the era of my favorite sleepover pastime: prank calls asking strangers, “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Classic.

4. The Ring – I don’t know what scared me more; the girl climbing out of the TV screen, the creepy images, or the music. Either way, it’s all terrifying.

3. The Shining - “All work and no fun makes Jack a dull boy.” Words to live by.

2. Friday the 13th – Add teens, a deserted summer camp and a serial killer and you got yourself endless gory fun. I still have issues going camping.

1. Psycho- One of the classics, so it obviously made my list. I couldn’t shower alone for a week after I saw this. And to this day I refuse to stay at a motel.

I know what I’ll be doing Friday night and may even extend the festivities into Saturday. Scary movies just fit my mood a little better than The Wedding Planner or any other crap they’ll be showing on TBS.

We know that most people count down to birthdays and Christmas, but Halloween is our favorite holiday of the year by far. I mean, there are costumes! And candy! And scary movies! And candy!

Oh wait…we said that one already.

Since we love this day so much, this week we asked our writers to weigh in on their favorite Halloween traditions. Some are old, some are new, but all are reasons to make this our #1 holiday.

Olua: Since my family never let me celebrate Halloween, I used to love watching all the cartoon specials they showed Halloween week. They also used to give us candy in class. Good times.

Kathryn S.: Getting wasted in a vinyl dress. Spill all the beer you want on me, it’ll slide right off!

Erica – Kent State: Carving pumpkins. This year my roommates and I did it surrounded by Carlo Rossi, pumpkin shaped cookies and our kittens. Then we baked the seeds. Delicious!

Carly – Grinnell: I love handing out candy to kids at the door. I just think it’s so fun to look at their costumes. Oh, and watching scary movies. Yessss.

Kelly – UMass: Keg stands in a slutty costume

Noa – CU Boulder: Scary movies and a little…er…herbal supplement.

Alex – Cornell: Decorating. I just get some sick rush from covering my house in pumpkins and spiderwebs.

Lauren – University of Michigan: Reese’s pumpkins. The peanut butter to chocolate ratio is perfect.

Suzanne – Tulane: The excuse to dress up in costume for a week straight. Everything is better in costume.

Kari – FSU: Helping my family put together our scarecrow, Upside Down Bob. Bob’s quite the character, he does a headstand in our front yard from Mid October til’ Black Friday and draws a lot of curiosity as to the sanity of our fam from passerby. Ahh, tradition.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: Dressing up! Nothing like being able to wear anything the eff you want for a night with no one to judge.

John – UConn: Predictably, my favorite Halloween tradition is trick-or-treating – but apparently it’s not as traditional as I’d thought. I went trick or treating as a freshman and most of the shrimpy little fifth graders

weren’t even dressed up, the pigs.

S.E. – Fordham: Carving pumpkins is my fave. I like taking all the orange goop out of it before I

put the candle in.

Heather – Penn State: Eating enough candy corn to feed a small country.

Elise – UCLA: Slice and Bake Pillsbury Cookies with those weird witch pictures on them that never turn out looking like witches, but taste sooo damn good.

For one, if you look at them realistically, about 97% of the victims, as well as the hero, deserve to die for one reason or another, if not their own naivete. Second, if you watch these things in your living room in broad daylight, well, they are more hilarious that horror-y.

And also, I can’t help but think fondly of the scary movie that took my scary movie V-card: Scream. That movie was a total 90′s classic, and here are ten reasons why you need to take a trip down memory lane with this awesomely bad throwback, even if you’re not a fan of the horror genre:

1) The Drew Barrymore sequence that starts it all. Because let’s be serious: what was a 90′s movie without Drew and that burgundy-nearing-black lipstick? More than ten years later, she’s still got it.

2) The Courtney Cox-David Arquette love connection occurs before your eyes. Goes to show that a horror flick isn’t a bad date idea, and maybe making one is even better. It obviously worked for them!

3) Matthew Lillard. He’s hilarious (“Liver alone… Get it? Liver? Alone?!”) and I sort of have an awkward crush on him. Don’t judge – a young, blonde Rose McGowan plays his girlfriend in the movie.

4) Skeet Ulrich? What happened to that guy? Remember the ten minutes when he was plastered all over Seventeen magazine?

5) Fonzie’s cameo as a principal? Get out!

6) Even though tons of people die and the main characters are awful, God it makes you wish you grew up in California. And it doesn’t hurt to check out the late 90′s fashion, either… many a midriff was harmed in the making of this film.

7) Ingenuity of the killer (I won’t ruin the surprise for those of you who haven’t seen it) to use a thrifty, generic costume.

8 ) Before Jamie Kennedy was funny, he spent his time putting nice-guy moves on Neve Campbell. And that’s just great awkwardness to watch, predictable as it is.

9) It’s so much better than the sequels… as always proves to be the case. Doesn’t Wes Craven know the meaning of “too much of a good thing”?

10) For its time, you’ve got to admit it was terrifying. You know, when you had to sneak into theaters to see it. And you feared bathroom stalls for months (or even years).

[Photo courtesy of: www.freewebs.com]

The trailers of these films look promising, and then the movies crash and burn. Big time. And they become the laughingstock of twelve year old kids everywhere who thought they were being daring by watching that movie that mommy and daddy told them not to.

But, wait. That movie was a joke.

In the spirit of Halloween, my friends and I were recently trying to list the best scary movies of all time, but in doing so, we ended up creating a list of the 5 worst. It seems like those were easier to come up with because usually there’s no argument; they are unanimously bad. These movies don’t send chills down your spine or make you jump when someone comes up behind you. These not-so-scary movies make you laugh. Hard.

In no particular order:

5. IT - I know, I know. Many will argue this movie was actually creepy. It’s Stephen King. It’s about clowns. I mean, everybody is afraid of clowns. Or at least, a good two-thirds of the population. And still it makes my worst movie list because of the 180 turn in the middle of the movie. The first half isn’t bad – it kinda creeped me out a bit – but the second half? It negated the entire first part of the movie. I mean, the first half you have this clown terrorizing these poor defenseless kids. And in the second half, you have this clown terrorizing these poor defenseless adults, including John Ritter. But wait! It isn’t a clown at all! It’s an alien from outer space that looks like a giant spider? And you can kill it with an inhaler used by asthmatics everywhere? Wait, what?

4. The Blair Witch Project – This movie had such promise, and it did manage to frighten some people. (And kudos to them for using a viral campaign before anyone even knew what a viral campaign was.) But come. on. people. The actors were good, but that’s just it: they were actors. It wasn’t real!!

3. Cry Wolf – This movie also had major potential! College students involved in a great game (or at least a game with a great premise). Students start getting picked off and there’s this great mystery and then… it falls. Flat. And hard. By the time the credits started rolling, a guy two rows in front of me stood up and loudly proclaimed “I want my ten dollars back!” That was probably the highlight of the entir night.

2. Freddy Vs. Jason – Ah crossovers. Two villains for the price of one? Hell yes! The great thing about this movie is that by the time it came along, I think people knew that both franchises had gotten a little campy. So the masterminds behind it tried to make it a little campy. And they succeeded. I don’t know if this movie was ever actually supposed to be scary. I mean, one girl in the movie was looking into a nose job and had dreams of having her nose sliced off by Freddy. That is not scary; that is pathetic.

1. Jason X - As long as we’re talking about horror movie legends gone wrong, I thought I’d include this one. This movie is basically Jason past his prime and trying to redeem himself from his battle with Freddy. Oh and it’s in space. Yup, on a ship. Set in the future.

So there you have it. Five great movies that won’t make you jump out of your seat, but are definitely good for a laugh (without actually intending to).

Which ones do you think I missed? Let me know!

(Photo courtesy of _Villains’ via flickr)

So if you want to hear about why Halloween rocks you should go somewhere else because I f*cking hate it and I’m about to make you hate it too by listing some reasons why it’s terrible and should be canceled.

Costumes: Yah, I said it. F*ck costumes. I have never trusted motherf*ckers in costumes. Why are you wearing that? People in costumes can do anything they want, and often do on Halloween, because it’s basically the official Holiday for burglary and assault.  That’s really what I want, a day where it’s impossible to spot criminals because everyone is wearing a godd*mn mask.

I don’t even like people at Disneyland and sh*t wearing costumes. Ask any nerd which day was the worst in high school and I guarantee you that Halloween is up near the top of the list. “I sure wish I knew who was beating the sh*t of out me right now, beyond ‘guy in gas mask’ and ‘guy in hockey mask!’”

Additionally, wearing costumes is probably the most uncomfortable thing ever. It’s hot and you can’t hear sh*t and you can’t run away from other people in costume without making a ridiculous shuffling noise. F*ck costumes. Unless you’re on a stage or in a movie, no costumes ever. Street performers shouldn’t be allowed to wear costumes. No one. EVER.

Candy: Yah, that is exactly what we need, an excuse to shovel more diabetes-inducing sugar into our insatiable legion of fat children. Candy on Halloween teaches people two things, how to gorge yourself, and how to beg. Why not call a spade a spade, call it ‘Insulin Day,’ and just chop everyones’ foot off right now.

TV Programming: On Halloween, every channel on the dial shows whatever scary movie they have in the vault, all night. As someone who’s imagination is more then enough to literally make me sh*t when alone in a dark room, the last thing I want is every Friday the 13^th, Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street playing all at once.

Haunted Houses: I don’t really feel the need to elaborate on this. Haunted Houses, hay rides, and other various haunted locales go from boring (high school) to grotesque (every haunted house run for profit) with no middle ground to actually enjoy yourself. F*ck haunted houses.

“CLEVERNESS”: It’s in quotes and caps for a reason. That’s about as subtle as people are on Halloween. LOOK HOW FUNNY/SEXY/EDGY I AM.

People dress either in lingerie (I’M A SEXY CAT/BUNNY/CONSTRUCTION WORKER/COP/DENTIST/CHEF/PERSON WHO WORKS AT HOME DEPOT), go ‘edgy’ and do something so tasteless they know it’s gonna start a fight once everyone is drunk enough (‘dude are you seriously going as someone who’s HIV positive?’), or ‘clever’ — which usually amounts to going as a hotdog or a tampon or a giant sperm. Also, anything phallic that comes with its own retarded catchphrase. Everyone has crap ideas on Halloween. The night literally destroys creativity and feeds off tacky bullsh*t.

You’re probably wondering if I go out at all. I do. I dress as a Pokemon and throw bricks through car windshields.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.