"A razor? What are you trying to say, honey?

Christmas is fast approaching. (Five days, but hey, who’s counting?) While I’m sure you’ve already picked out the perfect gift for everyone on your list, I bet you haven’t given much thought to what you’re getting this holiday season.

Well…I have.

I’ve taken my favorite Gleek’s (Brittany S. Pierce!) advice and made my Christmas list early and sent it on its way to the North Pole. But I know that even someone as prepared and as considerate as me (making it easy for my parents by adding what I wanted for Christmas to their Amazon shopping carts) will more than likely get stuck with a few bad Christmas gifts. It’s okay though, it’s a burden we all have to bear, so I’ll brave the post holiday madness and head to the return lines.

I just hope I don’t get anything quite as bad as these gifts.

10. Scented Candles. Not only do they more often than not smell like nothing more than a cheap imitation of what they’re supposed to smell like (Birthday cake? Sand castles? Ginger tea and honey?), but they’re also a bit of a fire hazard.

9. Useless gadgets. I’m sorry but I never have and I never will have any use for your vibrating slippers, your Bumpits, your BeDazzler or anything else that has AS SEEN ON TV stamped across the front of the box.

8. Socks. I don’t care if they are Christmas themed, personalized, or striped. I don’t care if they are toe socks, or fuzzy socks, or just plain, regular, everyday socks. They are not appropriate Christmas gifts. And I’m sick of people passing them off as though they are. Just because they come in lots of funky patterns doesn’t mean they make a good gift. End of discussion.

7. Anything from Bath and Body Works. I’m not even going to touch on the whole scented thing because that was already covered. But really, let’s think about this, when was the last time you used cucumber melon body splash? When was the last time you wanted to? Scented soaps and creams and antibacterial soaps that smell like a garden? My allergies act up just thinking about them. No, I won’t use the bath salts or those cute little themed baskets that just seem so perfect either.

6. Picture frames with a photo of the gift giver in them. First of all, the picture frame is almost always something ridiculous that you would never use and doesn’t match anything in your dorm. Second of all, you are not going to place a picture of this person next to your nightstand like you two are finally going steady or something. Moving on.

5. Anything that looks like you got it as a free sample. I’ve gotten these gifts before, and believe me I’ve been able to tell. Oddly enough, when you give someone who hardly ever wears makeup Clinique cover up it’s kind of a clue that you didn’t buy the gift for that person. Oh, hey, is that a complimentary tote you’ve got there on your arm?

4. Fruit cake. Yes, people still give these. And yes, the cliché is still very, very true. No one wants a fruit cake, even if it is homemade, because chances are, it’s not very good. As for a peanut butter cup cheesecake….that’s a dessert I can get behind.

3. Themed gifts. You know, it’s Christmas, so obviously any gift you give or get has to, in some way, be Christmas related.  Your Aunt Mary is going to get you a Santa sweater. And, oh wait, Aunt Sue got you candy cane socks to match. Now all you need is one of those headbands with the reindeer antlers and you’re all set. Thanks Dad!

2.  Homemade coupons. No, I don’t want your free hugs. Or your promise to do my homework. Because I don’t want to hug you and I wouldn’t trust you to do my homework for me. Ever. So if you’re going to get me a coupon, that coupon better be a gift card. And by gift card I mean one of those things that look like a credit card and works in a real establishment. (Like Starbucks.) That means you can’t use crayon to fill this one out either. Pity.

1. Self-help books. We have issues. We know. The holidays are not the time to remind us of them. So just buy us a drink and leave it at that, okay?

What are the worst gifts you’ve ever gotten?!

Fall is finally here, and that means the end of bathing suit season! What better way is there to celebrate than with chocolate? And caramel? And peanuts? And popcorn? Exactly–there isn’t.

So light some pumpkin scented candles, throw open your windows and kick off fall with some delicious, sinful goo-goo clusters, and smile smugly about the fact that you can guiltlessly eat three (or four) without worrying about string bikini jiggle.

You will need:

1 bag of classic caramel squares (not the hard candy)

3 Tbsp. butter

2 Tbsp. water

2 bags light butter microwave popcorn

1 cup peanuts, lightly salted

1 cup mini semi-sweet chocolate chips

Cinnamon, to taste

Get Poppin’

1. Set your oven to 300 degrees.

2. In a large pot, heat caramel, butter and water on low to medium until melted, stirring occasionally, until smooth. The mixture will be smooth and drizzly (mmm) when it’s ready. Tip: peel all your caramels BEFORE you turn the stove on…I learned the hard way, and ended up with burnt caramel.

3. While your caramel melts, start popping your popcorn.

4. When caramel is melted, turn heat to low.

5. Cover a baking sheet with aluminum foil. On it, combine your pop corn with the peanuts and chocolate chips. The chips will turn slightly gooey (in a completely delicious and mouthwatering way), so fight the urge to eat it all immediately.

6. Drizzle your caramel mixture over the entire mixture with a spoon, occasionally stirring the mixture to make sure it’s evenly coated.

7. Sprinkle the whole mixture with cinnamon, then pop the baking sheet into your oven (it should be done pre-heating) and set the timer for 15 minutes.

8. Your entire apartment, at this point, will smell like heaven, chocolate, magic, David Beckham’s pillow (at least what I think it smells like) and sweet, sweet caramel. I give you permission to peek in on your concoction every few minutes to make sure when it’s ready.

9. When the chocolate is evenly melted, take the sheet out of the oven. Make sure it’s totally cooled for about 10 minutes (agonizing, I know) then break into small clusters and spread out on another sheet of aluminum, or wax paper if you have it handy. Let it cool for about 5 more minutes.

And voila! You have perfect caramel popcorn goo-goo clusters to enjoy!

And then there are those of us who receive those crap gifts. Opening a package and instantly realizing A) this person doesn’t know us at all or B) this is the stupidest thing someone has ever wasted tape on is always a hard emotion to conceal, but because our mothers taught us to be polite, we do our best. We smile through the pain and secretly hope the receipt is still in the box.

Not quite sure if what you’re about to seal with a bow is a crap gift? Let CollegeCandy give you a few hints.

• Scented Candles: You’re not in junior high anymore, so this gift is no longer acceptable. Confused 12-year-old boys give the girls they think might be their girlfriends scented candles because they’re cheap and noncommittal. If you’re an adult, presenting someone with scented candles is the perfect way to start letting them know you don’t care.

• Clothes That Are Way Too Big: Look, when in doubt, buy a size smaller. No one likes opening a gift box and pulling out a sweater that looks like it could house a moose. Holding up a giant article of clothing not only makes us immediately feel fat, but decide everyone else thinks we’re fat too. Total. Depression.

• Giving the Woman in Your Life Appliances: If your mom loves to cook and asks for that new high-powered mixer, or your girlfriend really desires a fancy vacuum, then by all means, fulfill their wishes. But buying these things because you want more cookies and cleaner floors? Douchebaggery.

• Gift Cards to a Crappy Store: Gift cards can be fun, but running out to your nearest CVS or no name clothing store is totally insulting. First, it shows you didn’t think about the person till the last minute, and second, it illustrates unadulterated cheapness. What am I going to do with $25 worth of crap? NOTHING.

• Socks: Even if we desperately need them (because the Laundromat continues to return our laundry with all the left ones inexplicably missing), no one likes to pull out a bunch of socks when they were really hoping for something awesome. Opening up a package of socks on a Christmas or Hanukkah morning is like opening up the front door to greet a blind date and finding out they have a weird, squinty eye. Total fun fake-out.

• Self-Help Books: What, are you saying I have some kind of PROBLEM?!

Have any crap gift experiences of your own? CC wants to hear ‘em!

Well, apparently, there are people who want that slight but noticeable smell around them at all times.

Vulva Original (I’m not joking) is one of the newest sexual oddities to hit the market.

Its developers insist Vulva “is not a perfume”. Instead, they describe their product as “a beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a substance for your own smelling pleasure.”

Ew.

Developed in Germany, where a “research team” is working on complimenting the original scent with two new smells, “Exotic” and “Eighteen” (I mean, Jesus!).

Vulva Original doesn’t have much media surrounding it besides an explicit website with lots of vague references to sex.

Although, I guess if you’re selling something that supposedly smells like vajayjays, there really isn’t much to say besides “buy this if you like the smell of vagina”.

As for me, I’ll stick with my scented candles.

The last office I worked in had candles everywhere. There were tons of people coming in and out constantly (it was a sound production studio where actors would “lay down” voice overs and audition for commercials). I’m not exaggerating when I say this – every single female, (and the occasional male more in touch with his feminine side) would comment on how awesome the candles smelled. Each person would walk over to the candle, bend down to the flame, gush over it as if they had never even seen a candle before, and ask where this waxy anomaly came from. These things are chick magnets.

Pier 1 candles are pretty affordable (you may have to skip just one meal during the week) and perfect for any dorm room or apartment – the subtle, soft scents are enough to block out your roommates’ nastiest habits. The most popular in particular is an online-exsculsive called “Ginger Peach,” a blend of fruity and spicy scents. It comes in three sizes and ranges from $6 to $16. Another good one is “Plumtopia” ranging from $10 to $20. From the sweet to the more natural blends, you really can’t go wrong with any of the thirty-plus varieties.

Another Pier 1 treat-for-the-nostrils are the Reed Diffusers – clear bottles filled with the smelly stuff, the smelly stuff is absorbed by long reeds, and the aroma lingers from the reeds and fills a large space. It’s very scientific. These give any bathroom an aesthetic touch of girly style, and they smell great, too. They go for either $12 or $25, and my personal fave is “Mango Papaya.”

Check out all Pier 1 smells at Pier1.com. Next time your roommate stumbles home at 3 in the morning, cooks stew, and leaves it sitting on the stove all night, you’ll be grateful you did.