Clearly, Britney is still messed up in the head.

The truth about high school.

What’s gonna happen to Jon and Kate Plus 8?

We love party dresses!

Stay out of debt, people.

Wait. There’s a Scientology clothing line!?

We love celebrities. We also love to hate celebrities. And then there are celebrities that we just need to get rid of. I had a rather long list including Flava Flav, Brett Michaels, K-Fed, Clay Aiken, etc. However, I narrowed it down to the five celebrities that I just don’t want to hear any more about this year.

I’m sick of them, so sick that if I see something about them on E! News or in a magazine I have to turn it off or stop reading. And then punch something and question the heavens above as to why they exist.

That’s not okay with me. So join me in my quest to rid the world of these offending celebs:

5. Tom Cruise- We loved you in Top Gun, Rain Man, and Mission Impossible, but the whole Scientology/keep Katie Holmes captive thing is down right annoying. There are not little aliens inside of you. You also happen to be a hypocrite: you criticized Brooke Shields for using antidepressants to take care of depression, an illness, and yet most recently were quoted saying, “They say, ‘Get your physical, get your medication, get your physical illnesses handled.’” Which is it Tom? Get your medication or don’t? You confuse me. And Valkyrie sucked. Go back to Xenu.

4. Jessica Simpson- Personally, I love your music, but you’ve become a fallen star. We don’t want to see you sticking your tongue down Tony Romo’s throat or licking cake off of his face. We don’t want to see your attempts to get more attention than your sister, who looks fab post-pregnancy, by the way. She’s overshadowed you, Jess, and good for her because she lived in yours for too long. Either get in the studio or stay out of the limelight.

3. Amy Winehouse- I’m sick of seeing emaciated, cracked out pictures of you. You have had a beautiful voice once upon a time, but the only thing we hear from you now is the sound of whiskey being poured down your troat. Your skeezy husband is just as crazy as you, and we don’t want to hear about him either. You have a problem. Please go to rehab (yes yes yes) and then make a comeback. Just look at Britney – she did it and now she’s hotter than ever.

2. Madonna- I never liked Madge, but I especially don’t like her this year. She cheated on her husband, who I’ve heard is a very nice man, with A-Rod of all people. Now she’s whoring herself out to a male model named Jesus. Not only am I sick of Madonna, but I’m actually afraid of her, too. Have you seen the veins sticking out of her arms? I think everyone can do without that in 2009.

1. Miley Cyrus- Possibly the most annoying “celebrity” of this day and age. The only reason she’s famous is because Billy Ray got her a TV show on the Disney Channel. She can’t act, and she can’t sing either (it’s a shame her songs are so catchy). And maybe her teeth can use a little work. I’m sick of seeing her face on every backpack and tshirt in the mall, and especially sick of seeing pictures of her pulling up her shirt and showing us her training bra. She’s fifteen. And I’ve already had enough.

(We’re back with another weekly installment of G.W.W.E [Guys We Want to Eff]. I don’t know about you but a man who is strong, sensitive, caring, and oh so manly can take me and eff me up and down any day. Enter Will Smith. One order of tall, dark and handsome? Yes PLEASE!)

Will Smith is hot.

But let me tell you why. Even since his days as “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” Will Smith has oozed sexiness like whoa. Yes, even with the neon sweatsuits. But he was never that cocky-hottie sorta guy: he is and always has been a family-loving gentleman and an all around good guy.

I mean, the guy even did rap music respectfully. He took home a couple Grammy’s and never once did he mention “b!$#@es n’ hoes” in his lyrics. Sure, that may have led him to undergo some bullying from hot shots like Eminem (remember the line, “Will Smith don’t gotta cuss in his raps to sell records, well I do so F*ck him and F*ck you too!”), but we have a soft spot for the underdogs!

But music isn’t all he does; Mr. Smith is a super talented actor. With hits like “Bad Boys,” “Independence Day,” “Hitch, “The Pursuit of Happiness,” and, who can forget, “Men In Black,” Smith has more than proved himself to Hollywood. And he looked damn good doing it! WOWZA!

What makes Smith even more effable is his soft side. He and wife, Jada, recently donated $1 million to a school of Scientology to help with school supplies and organic meals. Yes, it’s creepy Scientology, but it was still a donation to benefit kids and nothing is hotter than a guy who loves kids.

Will Smith is 100% the complete package…and I’m sure he’s got a complete package, too, if you know what I mean. Ayooo.

To top it all off, the idea of effing Will Smith is actually doable. Apparently he and Jada have some strange agreement that they can do the naughty with whomever they want as long as they don’t tell each other about it. I could be that person. I COULD BE THAT PERSON….if I ever meet him (or even see him).

Ahh, J. Lo.  When will you learn? Don’t ever, ever agree to talk to reporters when you’re exhausted, four months post-pregnancy (with twins no less!) and totally hormonal.

A recent, unpublished interview with singer/actress/MILF Jennifer Lopez has surfaced on the Internet leaving all of us to wonder if America’s favorite Latina queen is tumbling from her pedestal.

Drugs?! Scientology detox gone wrong? Unfit to be a mother? Celeb reporter Kevin Sessums got the scoop for Elle, only to be told his story would never see the light of day. Fortunately for the rest of the free world, Sessums took matters into his own hands.

Read more after the jump.

Unwashed! Unbrushed! Glassy eyed with a “a halo of frizz” around her head!

Why did Elle magazine refuse to run an accurate (if unflattering) interview with the diva? Here’s the deal.

Four months after giving birth to her twins (Max David and Emme Guadalupe) Elle sent celeb reporter Kevin Sessums to interview J. Lo for their October issue. They pitched the story as a fashion discussion about new moms who “do it all.” Out of the spotlight for several months, J. Lo’s handlers thought it would be the perfect opportunity for the diva to dish about training for a triathlon, motherhood and her plethora of upcoming projects. And naturally, an air-brush enhanced photo shoot would be the ideal way for Lopez to flaunt her slammin’ post-baby figure.

When Sessums arrived at Lopez’s Long Island estate to do the interview, he immediately felt he’d “caught the family on a bad day.” Jenny from the Block was under the weather, understandably feeling less than fierce and fabulous. 3am feeding sessions with two screaming bundles of terror? Severe post C-section pain? Yeah, you’d feel like sh*t too.

Nevertheless, Sessums and J. Lo had jobs to do (him: get the story, her: give a reasonably believable version of the truth). Ever the professionals, the two sat down and went to work.  What resulted was nothing more than an over-tired new mom rambling to a willing ear.

Sample quote: “At the tenth day after giving birth all that chemical stuff did peak—that hormone thing—and I did cry a lot that day because I was having so much trouble moving. I couldn’t get up fast enough to feed the babies…Marc was helping out a lot and I was crying and crying and going, ‘Oh, Papi…they’re going to know everybody more than me…They’re going to love everybody more than me!’”

Of course, as J. Lo rambled on, Sessums realized he’d hit the jackpot. He got lil’ J to open up about everything from breast feeding (she didn’t), to the money her and hubby Marc Anthony earned from selling pictures of the twins, to the nervous breakdown she suffered after filming Enough.

The resulting article that Sessums delivered back to Elle painted a very real, human picture of Jennifer Lopez. Like everyone else on the planet, she’s had big highs and low lows. She desperately wants to be a good mom, and (like so many other ambitious, driven women) she wants to continue her successful career. It would have been a smash for Elle – a celebrity story that all of their readers could relate to.

Why then did the mag kill the piece and send another reporter out to Long Island to re-interview the star? Elle claims the story simply got “too personal.” It’s unclear whether J. Lo herself decided she’d said too much or if the Lopez handlers simply panicked over Sessums’ depictions.

What is clear is that Sessums said F-YOU to Elle and handed his story over to Tina Brown’s new gossip outlet, Daily Beast. A ballsy move on his part given that Elle and probably every other major fashion magazine will never hire him again.

Read the full interview here and make a decision for yourself.  If you ask me, Jenny from the Block looks pretty damn good.

Spencer and Heidi keep talking. Burn hole in my brain.

Tom and Katie are still married…and happy.

Rhode Island mandates domestic violence education in schools.

Sarah Palin damns us all to hell. See ya there!

Lakisha Jones (from American Idol) got married…and everyone is really excited.

Leo can’t be anything but sexy.

No more sexy time for Brad and Angelina.

God, we wish we worked at airport security right about now.

Women don’t let this recession get in our way of beauty!

Justin Bobby and LC? NO WAY!

Happy (sorta) Birthday, Miley Cyrus!

Do you experience drunk-o-vision?

Amy Winehouse’s nose says, “I QUIT!”

Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz (fashion) emergency.

Did Joe Biden have a little work done? (We knew it!)

Boy cuts are all the rage…at least for Scientologists. First Katie Holmes chopped her locks and then Posh Spice followed suit. The new ‘do is rather hard to pull off, but both of these ladies are looking mighty glam with the drastic cut.

But which one does it better?

It might go against Scientology to record my thoughts but my thetan level is low enough that it might not matter until later, when I may become a master of the universe. I have to guess what the levels are called since Tom says that I’m not high enough in the order yet to know – much of anything.

While he is spending his time channeling L. Ron, I have tried to find the meaning of life in the temple of Barney’s. Did I say that? Because I didn’t mean it, in case you’re reading this my Scientology handlers. I meant that I just enjoy shopping. Because my life is so empty. By empty I mean FULL, though, it’s full of – shopping bags and hair cuts and love for L. Ron.

As first lady of Scientology, I must hold it together at all times  and no one knows the pressure that I’m under. Not only am I a fashion icon, I am an important actress and a vessel for scientology’s future. Even if I don’t have sex with Tom.

I must stop writing now. Tom is calling me and it’s time for my auditing, to free myself from the traumatic incidents of my life. Like my marriage. He worries when I start thinking or having friends, even ones as vapid as Posh.

Vapid. I love that word. I used words like that when I was living in Capeside. Oh, how I miss Dawson. He always knew me better than anyone else. I don’t wanna wait for my life to be over, I want to know right now what will it be… Dawson, I’ll leave my window open for you – please come.

Oh, no, Tom’s here. American Express, take me away…

Katie Holmes seems to spend her life in a constant state of grim understanding: she’s married to Tom Cruise whether she likes it or not, Tom Cruise is weird and removed from reality, Tom Cruise does not want her to be more famous than him so he uses his Scientology mind powers to render everything she touches unsuccessful, Tom Cruise’s first batch of kids look to her for help because their adoptive dad has completely forgotten about them, and the Paparazzi will never let her go because they’re just waiting for the day when she falls to the ground, pounds the pavement with her fists, and tells the world she just can”t take it anymore.

You know how I know Katie Holmes lives with these thoughts everday? Because of her face. The girl don’t.ever.smile anymore. Let’s go on a photo journey to exemplify this:

Is she smiling? No.

I see a kind of smile there. But mostly chagrin. And a horrible sock/shoe combo.

No smile here. Just one of her patented “Where has my life gone?” faces.

Hm. This is the same “grin” I gave to a girl who was a bitch to me in high school when I ran into her the other night.

Contemplating running away?

Those are “save me” eyes if I ever saw ‘em.

I can see she isn’t happy about her “Tom Approved” outfit either.

“Don’t tell Tom I was seen outside the compound or I’ll KILL you with my bare hands.”

I can understand how life inside the celebrity fishbowl can get a (trapped) person down, but if you feel like doing your own investigating for Katie Holmes’s smile, just know that it’s becoming harder and harder to find with time.

Perhaps it went out to plead for a part in Batman 3?  Maybe it’s secretly digging its way out of the house with a spoon.  Or could it be that Katie Holmes’s smile has snuck off to the Scientology compound and is minutes away from staging a Jack Bauer-esque take-over and explosion, thereby freeing Hollywood’s most gullible celebrities from L. Ron’s evil grasp?

One only knows.

Ali Lohan: THIS close to being another Hollywood porn star. Take that, Linds!

What do Obama, Hilton and Spears have in common? Ask John McCain!

Man-Makeup was one thing, but man-ty hose? Stop the insanity!

“Forgot” the SPF this summer? Here are some ways to fix the damage.

Fun with Heidi and Spencer: the kid’s book edition.

I can’t. stop. watching.

Get better, Liz! White Diamonds 4eva!

Wanna make a couple million? Time to transfer schools.

Breast Cancer: separate the fact from the fiction.

My 3 month old MacBook is about to be outdated…again.

Tom Cruise sued for being crazy a Scientologist.

Too cute for words.

We pick up where last week’s episode left off, with Ali drilling Jeremy for an explanation for his bizarre online interview. The argument sounds like thousands I’ve heard my drunk friends have with their long distance boyfriends via cell phone. I listen to Ali and Jeremy run around in circles until Ali reads something of interest from the article: “I wanna marry Lindsay”…I want to marry your sister. Ali says that Jeremy has told her this in person as well. Um, and that didn’t tip you off that he was USING YOU?!?!

Whatever, Ali’s pissed because Jeremy has a crush on Lindsay and not her. Jeremy’s probably pissed because Lindsay has a crush on Samantha Ronson and not him.

Their fight concludes (or is postponed) freaking finally. Ali says she doesn’t trust anyone but her family anymore (not what you said last week.) And goes to her wise and showbiz weary mother for advice.

Dina explains that “we all make mistakes” (especially her–although I don’t know if you can consider raising trainwrecks mere mistakes). She gives a small lesson in Tabloid Manipulation 101 and tells Ali that “they’ll just have to educate him,” which sounds very creepy Scientologist.

Jeremy enters the house while Dina and Ali chat in the kitchen. He doesn’t knock or anything, just breezes right in. Dina then begins to mediate Ali and Jeremy’s argument.

Dina tells Jeremy he is an innocent victim, that the press will manipulate anything and everything that you say, so you have to learn how to manipulate them (Again, I am pleasantly surprised by Dina’s shrewd and sly admittance that she is the queen of using the press as her own tool. It doesn’t make it right for her to exploit her children, but it does prove that she is the original master of manipulation. Screw You Speidi). Dina tells Jeremy they still love him. Ali tells him he’s an amazing “musician”. I spit diet ginger ale all over my computer at this comment. Jeremy says he doesn’t have parents?

Ali kisses (not literally, thank god) and makes up with Jeremy. Dina takes it upon herself to be Jeremy’s moral comapss. Oye Vey.

Dina sits down with Jeremy in the kitchen to explain, once again, that she is the Pai Mei of P.R. because she learned the ropes the hard way. Apparently the hard way is by starring as an extra in all of Lezlo’s films, bitterly feuding in public, and using her daughter’s personal troubles as fodder for US Weekly. Jeremy says that he “punk’d” the press by letting them believe that he may or may not be dating Lindsay. Ugh, he is worming his way out of this and Dina is laughing it off! Jeremy it will take a lot more for you to redeem yourself in my eyes.

Dina tells Jeremy she’s using him for his music. Yeah, keep believing that.

Later that evening, Dina makes the cover of some random local magazine. This is obviously a huge deal and Dina is going to a big ol’ party for herself the magazine. Ali tells her mom she’s dressing like a ho. Dina tells Ali that Stella Mcartney hates her, and ignores Ali’s desperate attempts to inform her mother that it is much too cold for her to wear her cougar skanksuit out. If only Cody were there. He would reason with Di.

Codeman and Ali are left in the care of Dina’s niece, and Mommy Dearest sets off on a night of champagne fueled shmoozing (which, Dina dearest, I find nothing wrong with).

In the car on the way to the party, Nana Lohan criticizes Dina’s thinly veiled attempts to achieve stardom through her innocent children. Dina denies pushing Ali at all to be famous. Some lady assures Nana that Ali is nothing like Lindsay, she just wants to do everything she does, in the exact same manner that Linds has done it.

Sorry Nana and random passenger, I’m 100% on Dina’s side for this battle. Ali clearly and repeatedly declares that her dearest ambition is to be just like Linds. Which is cute, because at the end of the day all she is is a 14 year old girl who wants to be like her famous and beautiful big sis. However, at the beginning of the day, Ali is a trained circus dog in full makeup who is aspiring to be a once promising and talented starlet turned wierdo.

At the party, Dina flirts with Jeremy (why is he everywhere?!?!) and introduces him to her contacts while he is starstruck by overly Botoxed Long Island Moms.

Ali comes home in full make up, looking like she’s 24, and smells something “funky” (this loaded statement has so many opportunities for sarcastic exploration that I cannot choose just one. No comment) before having her cousin call the fire department. Cody opens the gate and lets the fire department onto the property. He is, after all, the man of the family.

Dina continues rubbing elbows with the rich and (I’m sure according to them) famous. Ali attempts to get in touch with her momager, but Dina is much too busy hobnobbing to be concerned about the safety of her clients children.

We cut back to the Lohan property. The paramedics are taking Ali’s blood pressure because her throat hurts. Ok? Cody finally gets in touch with some moustached man who tells Dina that the fire department is at her house. Of course it’s Cody who saves the day, that dashing hero of mine. She (finally) calls Ali, who says that everything is fine, the outlet in the wall was just on fire.

Uh, that’s “FINE”??

Dina says that the children handled it well so she doesn’t need to come home (thank God) she contemplates how horrible it would have been if the tabloids got a hold of this. Um, what if your house burnt down with your children inside of it?? Wouldn’t that have been like, not good? She kisses her sleeping kids good night (that was actually sweet) and mutters some BS about how “the one night she goes out” this happens.

The next day, Dina and Alexis move a couch out of the way and call an electrician to fix the smoldering outlet. Jeremy questions Dina’s judgement for leaving live wires out in the open (Ok so even he’s not that retarded.) Ali plays with the live wires while Jeremy urges her not to. If she gets electrocuted, he’s in big trouble. (No more record deal!!)

The electrician tells Dina that she’s very lucky. I chuckle at this. Alexis is now appointed as fire safety marshal, prints escape routes and orders escape ladders for the bedrooms. Dina browses an online escort service–oh, nevermind, it’s the NYPD’s Annual calendar– to contribute her expertise to her family’s safety. I am puzzled as to how this is relevant.

As the day winds down, the house is secure again and no more fire scares hide behind unsafe outlets.

The family walks Jeremy out to the gate. I get this eerie sense that Jeremy is part decent producer, part wannabe wierdo, part hanger-on/famewhore, and part imaginary son to Dina. I recall again the mysterious “I don’t have parents” comment. Hmm.

Dina says “Love you baby, see you in Vegas!” to Jeremy, who still hasn’t been hit by a bus, despite my fervent wishing, and retreats back to her lair. Only time will tell me if Dina’s judge of character is either far superior or far far far worse than my own, regarding Jeremy. I have and idea of which one it is though.

Stay tuned for next week: Ali gets cyber/ text bullied and covered in a mysterious white substance from head to toe.