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We are all aware of Tom Cruise’s involvement with the Church of Scientology. We are also all aware of how weird that is. I bet you’re not aware of just how weird it really is.

For those of you who are not Scientology experts, here’s a quick rundown of what they believe:

1) You’re an immortal being. Like vampires. Just not as cool.

2) In order to be a part of this church, you have to make bank. Because it costs mucho dinero to be ‘religiously connected.’

3) While you’re also an immortal being, you’ve also been reincarnated several times now. Plus, your past souls or lives have lived on other planets. Like Mars.

Now that you’re well acquainted with this lovely religion, here’s the even weirder stuff: Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology are both under federal investigation for human trafficking and other scandalous happenings. For those of you who don’t watch Law and Order SVU marathons, human trafficking is SELLING HUMANS. (Read all the dirty deets about that shady bizness right here.) Though both Cruise and the Church of Scientology deny claims of mental, physical, and financial abuse, it kind of makes a girl rethink her Tom Cruise crush. Remember how cute he used to be in Risky Business?

When did that boy become a rich, reincarnated immortal alien??

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Wait. There’s a Scientology clothing line!?

I’m sick of them, so sick that if I see something about them on E! News or in a magazine I have to turn it off or stop reading. And then punch something and question the heavens above as to why they exist.

That’s not okay with me. So join me in my quest to rid the world of these offending celebs:

5. Tom Cruise- We loved you in Top Gun, Rain Man, and Mission Impossible, but the whole Scientology/keep Katie Holmes captive thing is down right annoying. There are not little aliens inside of you. You also happen to be a hypocrite: you criticized Brooke Shields for using antidepressants to take care of depression, an illness, and yet most recently were quoted saying, “They say, ‘Get your physical, get your medication, get your physical illnesses handled.’” Which is it Tom? Get your medication or don’t? You confuse me. And Valkyrie sucked. Go back to Xenu.

4. Jessica Simpson- Personally, I love your music, but you’ve become a fallen star. We don’t want to see you sticking your tongue down Tony Romo’s throat or licking cake off of his face. We don’t want to see your attempts to get more attention than your sister, who looks fab post-pregnancy, by the way. She’s overshadowed you, Jess, and good for her because she lived in yours for too long. Either get in the studio or stay out of the limelight.

3. Amy Winehouse- I’m sick of seeing emaciated, cracked out pictures of you. You have had a beautiful voice once upon a time, but the only thing we hear from you now is the sound of whiskey being poured down your troat. Your skeezy husband is just as crazy as you, and we don’t want to hear about him either. You have a problem. Please go to rehab (yes yes yes) and then make a comeback. Just look at Britney – she did it and now she’s hotter than ever.

2. Madonna- I never liked Madge, but I especially don’t like her this year. She cheated on her husband, who I’ve heard is a very nice man, with A-Rod of all people. Now she’s whoring herself out to a male model named Jesus. Not only am I sick of Madonna, but I’m actually afraid of her, too. Have you seen the veins sticking out of her arms? I think everyone can do without that in 2009.

1. Miley Cyrus- Possibly the most annoying “celebrity” of this day and age. The only reason she’s famous is because Billy Ray got her a TV show on the Disney Channel. She can’t act, and she can’t sing either (it’s a shame her songs are so catchy). And maybe her teeth can use a little work. I’m sick of seeing her face on every backpack and tshirt in the mall, and especially sick of seeing pictures of her pulling up her shirt and showing us her training bra. She’s fifteen. And I’ve already had enough.

Will Smith is hot.

But let me tell you why. Even since his days as “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” Will Smith has oozed sexiness like whoa. Yes, even with the neon sweatsuits. But he was never that cocky-hottie sorta guy: he is and always has been a family-loving gentleman and an all around good guy.

I mean, the guy even did rap music respectfully. He took home a couple Grammy’s and never once did he mention “b!$#@es n’ hoes” in his lyrics. Sure, that may have led him to undergo some bullying from hot shots like Eminem (remember the line, “Will Smith don’t gotta cuss in his raps to sell records, well I do so F*ck him and F*ck you too!”), but we have a soft spot for the underdogs!

But music isn’t all he does; Mr. Smith is a super talented actor. With hits like “Bad Boys,” “Independence Day,” “Hitch, “The Pursuit of Happiness,” and, who can forget, “Men In Black,” Smith has more than proved himself to Hollywood. And he looked damn good doing it! WOWZA!

What makes Smith even more effable is his soft side. He and wife, Jada, recently donated $1 million to a school of Scientology to help with school supplies and organic meals. Yes, it’s creepy Scientology, but it was still a donation to benefit kids and nothing is hotter than a guy who loves kids.

Will Smith is 100% the complete package…and I’m sure he’s got a complete package, too, if you know what I mean. Ayooo.

To top it all off, the idea of effing Will Smith is actually doable. Apparently he and Jada have some strange agreement that they can do the naughty with whomever they want as long as they don’t tell each other about it. I could be that person. I COULD BE THAT PERSON….if I ever meet him (or even see him).

A recent, unpublished interview with singer/actress/MILF Jennifer Lopez has surfaced on the Internet leaving all of us to wonder if America’s favorite Latina queen is tumbling from her pedestal.

Drugs?! Scientology detox gone wrong? Unfit to be a mother? Celeb reporter Kevin Sessums got the scoop for Elle, only to be told his story would never see the light of day. Fortunately for the rest of the free world, Sessums took matters into his own hands.

Read more after the jump.

Unwashed! Unbrushed! Glassy eyed with a “a halo of frizz” around her head!

Why did Elle magazine refuse to run an accurate (if unflattering) interview with the diva? Here’s the deal.

Four months after giving birth to her twins (Max David and Emme Guadalupe) Elle sent celeb reporter Kevin Sessums to interview J. Lo for their October issue. They pitched the story as a fashion discussion about new moms who “do it all.” Out of the spotlight for several months, J. Lo’s handlers thought it would be the perfect opportunity for the diva to dish about training for a triathlon, motherhood and her plethora of upcoming projects. And naturally, an air-brush enhanced photo shoot would be the ideal way for Lopez to flaunt her slammin’ post-baby figure.

When Sessums arrived at Lopez’s Long Island estate to do the interview, he immediately felt he’d “caught the family on a bad day.” Jenny from the Block was under the weather, understandably feeling less than fierce and fabulous. 3am feeding sessions with two screaming bundles of terror? Severe post C-section pain? Yeah, you’d feel like sh*t too.

Nevertheless, Sessums and J. Lo had jobs to do (him: get the story, her: give a reasonably believable version of the truth). Ever the professionals, the two sat down and went to work.  What resulted was nothing more than an over-tired new mom rambling to a willing ear.

Sample quote: “At the tenth day after giving birth all that chemical stuff did peak—that hormone thing—and I did cry a lot that day because I was having so much trouble moving. I couldn’t get up fast enough to feed the babies…Marc was helping out a lot and I was crying and crying and going, ‘Oh, Papi…they’re going to know everybody more than me…They’re going to love everybody more than me!’”

Of course, as J. Lo rambled on, Sessums realized he’d hit the jackpot. He got lil’ J to open up about everything from breast feeding (she didn’t), to the money her and hubby Marc Anthony earned from selling pictures of the twins, to the nervous breakdown she suffered after filming Enough.

The resulting article that Sessums delivered back to Elle painted a very real, human picture of Jennifer Lopez. Like everyone else on the planet, she’s had big highs and low lows. She desperately wants to be a good mom, and (like so many other ambitious, driven women) she wants to continue her successful career. It would have been a smash for Elle – a celebrity story that all of their readers could relate to.

Why then did the mag kill the piece and send another reporter out to Long Island to re-interview the star? Elle claims the story simply got “too personal.” It’s unclear whether J. Lo herself decided she’d said too much or if the Lopez handlers simply panicked over Sessums’ depictions.

What is clear is that Sessums said F-YOU to Elle and handed his story over to Tina Brown’s new gossip outlet, Daily Beast. A ballsy move on his part given that Elle and probably every other major fashion magazine will never hire him again.

Read the full interview here and make a decision for yourself.  If you ask me, Jenny from the Block looks pretty damn good.

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Boy cuts are all the rage…at least for Scientologists. First Katie Holmes chopped her locks and then Posh Spice followed suit. The new ‘do is rather hard to pull off, but both of these ladies are looking mighty glam with the drastic cut.

But which one does it better?

While he is spending his time channeling L. Ron, I have tried to find the meaning of life in the temple of Barney’s. Did I say that? Because I didn’t mean it, in case you’re reading this my Scientology handlers. I meant that I just enjoy shopping. Because my life is so empty. By empty I mean FULL, though, it’s full of – shopping bags and hair cuts and love for L. Ron.

As first lady of Scientology, I must hold it together at all times  and no one knows the pressure that I’m under. Not only am I a fashion icon, I am an important actress and a vessel for scientology’s future. Even if I don’t have sex with Tom.

I must stop writing now. Tom is calling me and it’s time for my auditing, to free myself from the traumatic incidents of my life. Like my marriage. He worries when I start thinking or having friends, even ones as vapid as Posh.

Vapid. I love that word. I used words like that when I was living in Capeside. Oh, how I miss Dawson. He always knew me better than anyone else. I don’t wanna wait for my life to be over, I want to know right now what will it be… Dawson, I’ll leave my window open for you – please come.

Oh, no, Tom’s here. American Express, take me away…

You know how I know Katie Holmes lives with these thoughts everday? Because of her face. The girl don’t.ever.smile anymore. Let’s go on a photo journey to exemplify this:

Is she smiling? No.

I see a kind of smile there. But mostly chagrin. And a horrible sock/shoe combo.

No smile here. Just one of her patented “Where has my life gone?” faces.

Hm. This is the same “grin” I gave to a girl who was a bitch to me in high school when I ran into her the other night.

Contemplating running away?

Those are “save me” eyes if I ever saw ‘em.

I can see she isn’t happy about her “Tom Approved” outfit either.

“Don’t tell Tom I was seen outside the compound or I’ll KILL you with my bare hands.”

I can understand how life inside the celebrity fishbowl can get a (trapped) person down, but if you feel like doing your own investigating for Katie Holmes’s smile, just know that it’s becoming harder and harder to find with time.

Perhaps it went out to plead for a part in Batman 3?  Maybe it’s secretly digging its way out of the house with a spoon.  Or could it be that Katie Holmes’s smile has snuck off to the Scientology compound and is minutes away from staging a Jack Bauer-esque take-over and explosion, thereby freeing Hollywood’s most gullible celebrities from L. Ron’s evil grasp?

One only knows.