I have been eagerly anticipating the premier of the Lohan reality show since Perez announced it a few months ago. Monday’s premier more than exceeded my expectations. I’m sorry about the delay, but I wanted to be absolutely sure that I had absorbed all that I could from this trainwreck collision of Kardashiantics, Real World-esque shouting matches and Girls Next Door intelligence. The show, in a word, is brilliant. In two words, it is brilliantly horrible. Enjoy.

The show begins with a montage of sexy photos all over the house, Dina explains how nothing is more important to her than family (except for press/publicity) as she breaks up a typical sibling playfight between Aliana (Ali) 14, and Dakota (Cody) 11, showcasing how normal they are.

In the kitchen, Dina and her assistant Alexis lament the difficulties of being placed on hold to get out of Jury duty (obviously Dina has other incredibly important things to do). They immediately dive into a harrowing tabloid scanning sesh. Dina explains how sad it is that every morning the poor thing has to go through every single tabloid to see if she’s in it (oh yeah…or any of her kids/clients). Cody, who I am completely in love with, interrupts as the voice of reason, wondering why his Mommadukes has to read the tabloids. She can’t explain. I can’t either, Cody. Read More »

I’m sorry, did I miss something? Are these men actually attractive?

In most cases I would say the only reason that women date rich, ugly celebs is for their money, however, the women who date them have money.

When you’re a rich man from “The Lucky Sperm Club”; born into wealth, fed caviar from platinum baby spoons and vacation in The Hamptons only to return to your opulent, unnecessarily extravagant, fully-staffed mansion, you’re also a man who is getting laid (frequently) by babes.

It seems that a “dating hierarchy” comes with gobs of money. The bottom position has a minimum of 500,000 grand a year. Minimum. Looks, PERSONALITY, INTELLIGENCE, and chemistry are completely null and void. If you’re a dude who comes from wealth, even more so if you’re “famous” (or if your parents were), Status, society, inheritance, bloodlines, and Rolls Royces are what guarantees you a date. Love is measured in gold, last names, thick wallets and RSVP’s. Read More »