In Insidious, two parents are forced to cope with strange and supernatural occurrences that follow one of their three children’s mysterious comatose state. The film starts out strong, and even superior to most modern horror films. Unfortunately, due to lack of risk-taking, unoriginality, and a bizarre turn in the second half, Insidious falls into the realm of C-grade horror films.  And here is the list of the week, brought to you by those three fatal flaws.

7 Modern Horror Films that Insidious Could Have Learned From (also known as “Top 7 Movies You Should Rent Over the Weekend Rather than Seeing Insidious”):

The Blair Witch Project: Insidious shows far too much of what we’re meant to be afraid of. The reason that the first half is much scarier than the second is because the audience is forced to guess what exactly the source of our fear is like. The Blair Witch Project was a pioneer in not showing too much, or enough even. The creators knew that our imagination is a lot scarier than what you can put on that screen.

Drag Me to Hell: On that same note, if the film insists on showing us what our imagination can do better, it should compensate in other areas. If a movie wants to go corny and over the top, it needs to horrify us in some other way. Drag Me to Hell shows the forces that Christine is dealing with, and they can be laughable. But the film takes advantage of that cheesiness and gives some gross-out scenes that will make you cringe. And it also perfects the “creepy jig” technique (don’t ask).

Hide and Seek: If you want to be freaked out by a pale kid who draws creepy pictures, look no further than Hide and Seek. Obviously this film played that particular game better (pun intended…LOL?) because it stars Dakota Fanning and Robert De Niro. Okay, it’s not a critic’s favorite, but it’ll creep you out more than Insidious.

Orphan: I’m always embarrassed to admit that Orphan scared me more than most horror films do. But, I have to give credit where credit is due, so I am willing to put my shame aside. One of the reasons that Orphan is so freaky is because there are no limitations on scaring the bejesus out of the little kids in the film. Those kids went through everything (bare in mind that the little girl is deaf and yes it used against her and to scare us). Insidious has so many opportunities to get the same reactions from its audience, but it tiptoes away from them. The children are so far removed from the conflict that they’re gone most of the time.

Paranormal Activity 2: Combine the lessons from The Blair Witch Project and Orphan and you have Paranormal Activity 2.

Scream: Scream is the best horror-comedy of all time. And horror-comedies are practically impossible to do well (take my word for it, I’ve tried to write them). The trickiest thing about that particular genre is creating a balance between freaking out the audience and making them laugh. But also, very importantly, the film must prepare its audience for said laughter. Scream does this; Insidious does not. The comic relief in Insidious comes late to the party, which results in confusion as to whether we’re supposed to be laughing.  If you were planning on seeing Insidious, take the money you would have spent, put it in an envelope and bust that envelope open on April 15^th for a midnight showing of Scream 4.

The Uninvited: If you’re going to leave us craving for a good twist, give us one. Insidious had the potential built up to blow minds and keep the audience excited and invested until the last second. If a psychological element, such as the one in The Uninvited, had been thrown in there too, I would have been salivating.

The Shining: Not as modern as the rest, but my favorite movie of all time, so it has to have a place on this list. The Shining has a monopoly on creepy twin girls. Just don’t go there.

All that being said, Insidious really does has some redeeming qualities; it’s just not the college demographic. If you’re still curious to check it out, go for it, but take your middle-school-aged brother as well; he’ll get a kick out of it and that’ll make it more fun for the both of you. Don’t take a date that you’re craving to cling onto because they’ll likely just be weirded out that you’re actually afraid. The film has some awesome techniques with color and lighting. Honestly, the first hour was really impressive, I just wish they had scrapped and rewritten the last half.

It is rare to find a good sequel (think Grease 2)…let alone one that rivals the original film in quality. And that’s where I come in. I’m about to tell you seven sequels that are worth watching.

Click on any movie to begin

What’s your favorite movie sequel? Which of these do you agree with and which of these do you completely disagree with?

Really, that sounds fun and all, but this year I just can’t stomach any more pink. That pepto bismol pink is everywhere I turn. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion? Check.

Believe me, I’m not bitter, I even enjoy romance and chick flicks from time to time, but for some reason I’m more excited about Friday the 13th than February 14th. I think it is fate that the two holidays have fallen in the same weekend because now when people ask what I am doing for the big holiday, I can say something like “drinking tequila and watching Saw IV.” (It’s not like they said which holiday!)

Some of you may be thinking that Friday the 13th isn’t a holiday, but you’re wrong! Friday the 13th is a day of horror movie marathons filled with snack foods and drinking games; it’s the day when some of the best scary movies of the year are released in theaters; and, of course, an excuse for a theme party. To kick off the big weekend of terror, I included my top 5 horror movies of all time.

5. Scream- Maybe it’s just nostalgia, but Scream will always be in my top favorites list. After all, it started the era of my favorite sleepover pastime: prank calls asking strangers, “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Classic.

4. The Ring – I don’t know what scared me more; the girl climbing out of the TV screen, the creepy images, or the music. Either way, it’s all terrifying.

3. The Shining - “All work and no fun makes Jack a dull boy.” Words to live by.

2. Friday the 13th – Add teens, a deserted summer camp and a serial killer and you got yourself endless gory fun. I still have issues going camping.

1. Psycho- One of the classics, so it obviously made my list. I couldn’t shower alone for a week after I saw this. And to this day I refuse to stay at a motel.

I know what I’ll be doing Friday night and may even extend the festivities into Saturday. Scary movies just fit my mood a little better than The Wedding Planner or any other crap they’ll be showing on TBS.

Okay, every other time I’ve written about screaming at the TV during Gossip Girl is officially taken back. Because tonight was the night for throwing sh*t in the living room during obsessive fits of GG excitement.Warning to fans who missed the episode (and if you did, I hope you had a good excuse – like finding Chace Crawford naked in your dorm after class or something): there will be spoilers in about two seconds. Major. Spoilers.

Before I get to the real juice, can I just ask if anyone else noticed the “dress” Serena wore to Eleanor and Cyrus’ wedding? Girlfriend needed some pants. Or at least the rest of her skirt.

Yes, tonight was a night of new beginnings in the wake of the death of Bart Bass. The funeral prompted Cyrus to ask Eleanor to get hitched ASAP. It prompted Lily and Rufus to plan to admit their love, and for Serena to encourage Lily to run off with Rufus. And it prompted Serena to run off to Buenos Aires with Aaron. And Aaron to tell S. that he’s falling in love with her, which might have been more romantic if it didn’t immediately follow his suggestion that their first time together be in the airplane bathroom.

But seriously, all that is trivial. Tonight was Leighton Meester’s chance to shine, as ALL the good parts centered around Blair.

Obviously, Chuck is a mess after losing his dad. He and Dan have a showdown at the funeral, where a wasted (would we expect anything less?) Chuck tells Dan that Bart’s death was Dan’s fault. It was actually refreshing to see Ed Westwick have a chance to expand his acting range beyond that cold, throaty whisper he always uses. Anyway, Blair is trying to be there for Chuck, and chasing him, and chasing him… and THEN.

Chuck: You are not my girlfriend.

Blair: But I am me. And you are you. Blair and Chuck. Chuck and Blair.

Blair: I will stand by you through anything.

Chuck: Why would you do that?

Blair: Because… I love you.

Chuck: Well, that’s too bad.

Okay, readers and GG fans. Take a minute to scream, throw pillows, jump on furniture. This recap will continue when you’re ready.

Tonight’s ep made waiting for “the words” to come out totally worth it. And Chuck’s douchey response was more than perfect. Wait, why would “Well, that’s too bad” be perfect? Because it sets up the NEXT best scene of the whole CW season. Towards the end of the ep, Blair walks into her bedroom to find Chuck sitting on her bed.

“What are you doing here?” she demands. And he turns to look at her, and looks like total sh*t. And then she holds him. The bitchy Queen B. and the heartless Chuck Bass with tears streaming down his face. Now that, my friends, is teen drama at its finest.

Of course, GG can’t end there. Lily’s mom pays a visit to Rufus, to convince him not to go off with Lily. Though the Blair-Chuck scenario takes the cake by far, the question of what Lily was really doing in that hospital keeps popping up. It seems that Mrs. Van der Woodsen lets the cat out of the bag, in order to convince Rufus to stay away. When Rufus goes to meet Lily, he only has one question. “Was it a boy or a girl?”

I guess since I usually put the old-people plotlines on the backburner, I took it for granted that Lily had probably tried to pull an Eric and kill herself. Was it for an abortion after all? Nice curveball, writers, and just enough of a shocker to get our minds off of Chuck and Blair for a second…

That is, until the ep cuts to Blair, waking up in her bed to a note from Chuck that reads, “I’m sorry for everything. You deserve better. Don’t find me.”

And now we’re expected to wait until January 5, 2009.

Thank you, GG writers. You’ve officially made it impossible for any of us to sit down, crack the books, and get ready for finals.

[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

A girl outside a dorm room, in the hallway:

“Hey, so can I come in yet? Are you done painting diamonds on your ass?”

A cluster of people are smoking outside a dorm. Another guy runs up to them, carrying some bulky bags.

“Guys! I just kicked a squirrel. Like, I was walking, and then I felt this, like, weight on my foot, and then I just saw this squirrel flying up in front of me.”

“I can’t remember anything more! My brain’s full! If I remember anything else, I’m going to forget something incredibly important!”

A guy on the phone:

“So I bought this mask, and I’m trying to wear it everywhere, but all my professors were like ‘Take it off! It’s too scary!’ Well, f**k them, I’m wearing it to work, and nobody’s going to stop me!”

I walk into a dorm room, and the first thing I hear:

“… So then I had to hold my stomach because my clothes were all falling off!”

“Oh, look at her, she’s such a salty load!”

At a campus Halloween event, a boy is drinking something hot. An employee, wearing a “Scream” outfit, runs up behind him and grabs his shoulders in an effort to scare him.

The boy screams and throws his drink in the air – scalding both of them.

“Have you ever choked on jelly? It’s so sweet! You don’t want to stop choking!”

For one, if you look at them realistically, about 97% of the victims, as well as the hero, deserve to die for one reason or another, if not their own naivete. Second, if you watch these things in your living room in broad daylight, well, they are more hilarious that horror-y.

And also, I can’t help but think fondly of the scary movie that took my scary movie V-card: Scream. That movie was a total 90′s classic, and here are ten reasons why you need to take a trip down memory lane with this awesomely bad throwback, even if you’re not a fan of the horror genre:

1) The Drew Barrymore sequence that starts it all. Because let’s be serious: what was a 90′s movie without Drew and that burgundy-nearing-black lipstick? More than ten years later, she’s still got it.

2) The Courtney Cox-David Arquette love connection occurs before your eyes. Goes to show that a horror flick isn’t a bad date idea, and maybe making one is even better. It obviously worked for them!

3) Matthew Lillard. He’s hilarious (“Liver alone… Get it? Liver? Alone?!”) and I sort of have an awkward crush on him. Don’t judge – a young, blonde Rose McGowan plays his girlfriend in the movie.

4) Skeet Ulrich? What happened to that guy? Remember the ten minutes when he was plastered all over Seventeen magazine?

5) Fonzie’s cameo as a principal? Get out!

6) Even though tons of people die and the main characters are awful, God it makes you wish you grew up in California. And it doesn’t hurt to check out the late 90′s fashion, either… many a midriff was harmed in the making of this film.

7) Ingenuity of the killer (I won’t ruin the surprise for those of you who haven’t seen it) to use a thrifty, generic costume.

8 ) Before Jamie Kennedy was funny, he spent his time putting nice-guy moves on Neve Campbell. And that’s just great awkwardness to watch, predictable as it is.

9) It’s so much better than the sequels… as always proves to be the case. Doesn’t Wes Craven know the meaning of “too much of a good thing”?

10) For its time, you’ve got to admit it was terrifying. You know, when you had to sneak into theaters to see it. And you feared bathroom stalls for months (or even years).

[Photo courtesy of: www.freewebs.com]

The trailers of these films look promising, and then the movies crash and burn. Big time. And they become the laughingstock of twelve year old kids everywhere who thought they were being daring by watching that movie that mommy and daddy told them not to.

But, wait. That movie was a joke.

In the spirit of Halloween, my friends and I were recently trying to list the best scary movies of all time, but in doing so, we ended up creating a list of the 5 worst. It seems like those were easier to come up with because usually there’s no argument; they are unanimously bad. These movies don’t send chills down your spine or make you jump when someone comes up behind you. These not-so-scary movies make you laugh. Hard.

In no particular order:

5. IT - I know, I know. Many will argue this movie was actually creepy. It’s Stephen King. It’s about clowns. I mean, everybody is afraid of clowns. Or at least, a good two-thirds of the population. And still it makes my worst movie list because of the 180 turn in the middle of the movie. The first half isn’t bad – it kinda creeped me out a bit – but the second half? It negated the entire first part of the movie. I mean, the first half you have this clown terrorizing these poor defenseless kids. And in the second half, you have this clown terrorizing these poor defenseless adults, including John Ritter. But wait! It isn’t a clown at all! It’s an alien from outer space that looks like a giant spider? And you can kill it with an inhaler used by asthmatics everywhere? Wait, what?

4. The Blair Witch Project – This movie had such promise, and it did manage to frighten some people. (And kudos to them for using a viral campaign before anyone even knew what a viral campaign was.) But come. on. people. The actors were good, but that’s just it: they were actors. It wasn’t real!!

3. Cry Wolf – This movie also had major potential! College students involved in a great game (or at least a game with a great premise). Students start getting picked off and there’s this great mystery and then… it falls. Flat. And hard. By the time the credits started rolling, a guy two rows in front of me stood up and loudly proclaimed “I want my ten dollars back!” That was probably the highlight of the entir night.

2. Freddy Vs. Jason – Ah crossovers. Two villains for the price of one? Hell yes! The great thing about this movie is that by the time it came along, I think people knew that both franchises had gotten a little campy. So the masterminds behind it tried to make it a little campy. And they succeeded. I don’t know if this movie was ever actually supposed to be scary. I mean, one girl in the movie was looking into a nose job and had dreams of having her nose sliced off by Freddy. That is not scary; that is pathetic.

1. Jason X - As long as we’re talking about horror movie legends gone wrong, I thought I’d include this one. This movie is basically Jason past his prime and trying to redeem himself from his battle with Freddy. Oh and it’s in space. Yup, on a ship. Set in the future.

So there you have it. Five great movies that won’t make you jump out of your seat, but are definitely good for a laugh (without actually intending to).

Which ones do you think I missed? Let me know!

(Photo courtesy of _Villains’ via flickr)

I know! He doesn’t look a day over batsh*t nuts!

But MJ wasn’t always a middle-aged white man; he actually used to be the King of Pop. I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself dancing to one of his bajillion hits (most often at family bar mitzvahs):

Billie Jean

Black or White

Scream

Bad

That song from Free Willy (God I love that song)

He has been in the business since he was a wee little boy and now, 50 years later, his music has stood the test of time.

So, in honor of the Moon Walker/Young Boy Stalker’s birthday we bring you our favorite Michael Jackson tribute video.

If there is one person who can make us love the Thriller dance more than Michael himself, it is this lovely lady:

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