As a group, women do a really good job of hiding our less attractive qualities. We cover up our imperfections with makeup, we squeeze our “winter weight” into some Spanx, and we make our friends take our phones away so the guy we’re crushing on doesn’t know how crazy we really are.

And that is only scratching the surface.

Because men look at us like pretty, little, delicate flowers, there are so many things about women that most guys just do not know. Things that most women would be horrified to share and most men would be even more disgusted to know. But you know what? I don’t care. Women are people, too, and if guys can walk around scratching their balls, then we should be able to lay it all out there, too.

So in an effort to bridge the gap between the boys and the girls, I thought I’d let some dudes in on a few secrets we ladies have been keeping for.e.verrrr.

1. We fart. And sometimes, it’s loud. And if we’re trying to eat really healthy, it’s smelly.

2. We poop. We may even bring magazines or a laptop in there to pass the time. And if we’re really comfortable with someone, we’ll catch up on the phone. But always with a warning. We may be good at multitasking, but we aren’t inconsiderate a-holes.

3. We talk about farts and poop. And we laugh, because farts and poop are funny.

4. We don’t shower every day. We may argue that it’s bad for our skin or our hair looks better greasy, but sometimes we just don’t feel like showering. So we put on some deodorant and a few extra sprays of perfume and call it a day.

5. We like porn, too. Some of us like it more than others, and we probably don’t spend as much time watching it as dudes, but even ladies like watching a little nookie sometimes. Especially nookie involving a hot guy with chiseled abs, a tight butt and a rock hard glistening chest….

Oh, sorry. Got a little sidetracked there for a moment.

6. We can probably eat more than guys. Some ladies may stick to salads or half-portions of pasta when the guys are around, but bring us a cheese pizza and we can down that thing like it’s nobody’s business. And then we’ll follow it up with something chocolatey. Or fried. And not even break a sweat.

There you have it. All our secrets, right there on the table.
I feel so….free.

Question for Tuffy? Email her at tuffyluv@collegecandy.com to be featured in her column, which used to run every other Tuesday, but, starting in two weeks, will run every flipping Tuesday! Ask away!!!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m probably the least experienced person I know. Here’s a secret: I may have been kissed before but it was one of those sexless pecs so no real love there. I feel really awkward. I’ve had plenty of boyfriends but I’m really shy about sex. None of them has even gotten close. I’m only a freshmen in college but I’ve been here a while and have had opportunities to hook up ( I try however to avoid alcohol so some parties I won’t go to).

Anyway I was hoping to hook up with my crush but I don’t think I could tell him I like him or anything really. We hang out in groups a lot but I want to know how can I tell if he likes me? And if he does, how to confess?

Sincerly,

VERY Shy

Dear VERY Shy,

First of all, honey, be safe, please. Always use condoms EVERY TIME, no matter what. Okay? Got it? For real. It’s not worth the risk, EVER.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way: Read More »

You’ve been killing yourself all semester to tackle mountains of coursework while finding time to hit the gym and develop the perfect bikini bod to show off in Cancun, the Dominican Republic, Miami Beach…or wherever Spring Break 2009 finds you. When the day finally arrives, you’re ready to leave all of your woes behind. In a tropical hotspot hundreds of miles away from your RA, your professors, and your “Good Girl” reputation, you’re ready to let loose.

But be careful, ladies, because there’s still plenty of ways that your spring break behavior can come back to haunt you. Read More »

Well, technically, just because Dan and Serena share a sibling, it doesn’t mean that they share DNA. But the true winning line from tonight’s GG episode, “Share me those expressive eyebrows. I can’t wait ’til you get Botox,” was too long to fit in this column’s title.

The mysterious half-brother brought the cast on quite the roller-coaster this week, and it seems that Gossip Girl has achieved Mafia status, as she has the power to order a “hit” on Dan Humphrey. Instead of sleeping with the fishes, however, Dan merely has to deal with the humiliation of the entire school learning about his hankering for tuna. Meh.

As usual, the Bass family stole the show tonight, and Uncle Jack is truly an evil, despicable human being. Since Blair’s had a change of heart, what with coddling the grieving Chuckster and all, we need a new villain that we absolutely love to hate, and Jack sure makes a splash after, what? Two episodes?

Not only does Old Man River have a giant boner for the totally illegal Blair (everyone who commented on the ‘New Years’ references last week wins ten points), but he’s also lusting for a stake in Bass Enterprises, which, much to everyone’s surprise, has just been left to Chuck Bass. What? These minors can drink their faces off, ride around in limos, globetrot for the weekend, but they can’t run billion-dollar companies? Read More »

Days a Freshman: 109

Mood: totally surprised

“At first I thought I didn’t remember anything.” Sammy walked over to her desk, touching the knickknacks and papers surrounding her small laptop. “But every couple of days or so little bits of sound or a weird flash of a picture would pop up out of nowhere.”

“Your hallway bathroom is disgusting.” Rebecca pushed through Sammy’s door, droplets of water falling onto the carpet from the hot pot. “I didn’t want to touch anything.”

As soon as she closed the door, the energy must have hit her, because Rebecca stopped walking and stared at the back of Sammy’s head. “What?” she asked, letting her eyes slide over to me. “What?”

“I started telling Grace about what happened.” Sammy kept her attention on her desk, playing with a small green stapler. “I think she should know.”

“Oh.” Rebecca set the hot pot on Sammy’s puffy comforter. “Okay.”

“If it’s a big deal…” I leaned farther against the dresser, wishing I could lean myself right out of the room. “If it’s a big deal you really don’t –”

“Well, I was super wasted, so it’s not as big of a deal as you would think.” Sammy picked up the stapler and spoke to it. “Its not like I have all the gritty details. I got to the party drunk, hung out with Justin and some of his friends in the house, smoked some pot…and then I was sitting on a couch…” her voice wavered, fading in and out like a radio with bad reception. “And everyone tells me I was making out with some guy for a while…Sasha, I guess…”

Rebecca’s eyes slid over to me, but I looked away. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 102

Mood: Stunned

“So, your Thanksgiving break was okay?” I did my best to keep in step with Rebecca, trying to match her quick, clipped pace. We had driven off campus for a little early holiday shopping, hitting the mall in the afternoon in hopes of short lines and empty stores.

“It was fine.” Rebecca kept walking like she was in some kind of Olympic trial, looking straight ahead, focused on the large department store in front of us. “I want to look in here. For my brother. He needs some shirts.”

I was aware the Rebecca’s brother was in Iraq, and aware that it had been a strained Thanksgiving without him, but beside a few single-syllable answers about the whole event, Rebecca had been uncharacteristically tight lipped about her break.

“Is he doing okay? Your brother…?” We stepped into the harsh florescent of the department store and kept speed walking towards the men’s section.

“He was the last time I talked to him. Which was for five minutes before my dad grabbed the phone and my mom started crying.” Her long hair hid her expression, but the tone of her voice said it all; Rebecca and her family had issues. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 74

Mood: Stressed out

I peeled my apple slowly, concentrating on taking off as little of the inside part as possible. I kept my eyes on my hands. It was easier to talk to them this way.

“So he told you?” Crystal asked, leaning over my shoulder as though the answer was in my lap.

“He really told you?” Naima leaned in as well, pulling her jacket closer as a cold breeze pushed our hair and the leaves in the trees around us. Today was one of those rare November afternoons where it was still warm enough to sit outside in the sun, and Crystal, Naima, Rebecca and I had left our notes in the library and come out to the steps for some air.

“He told me. Probably not everything, but enough.” I handed the apple skin to Crystal who promptly ate it. She hated waste of any kind. Especially food. “He told me about MaryAnne’s cousin. And at least what he remembered about that night.”

“Wonder why he told you” Crystal mused, her mouth full. “He must really like you.”

As a friend, I thought, almost slicing my thumb with the knife I had stolen from the dining hall. I’m a great friend. And that’s all. Read More »