Don't. Tell. Anyone.

Let’s face it: we’ve all done some pretty ridiculous things in our lives. Things we think are totally logical in the moment, but make us cringe when we think about them later on. Things that we’d only tell our best friend when she’s three sheets to the wind and we know she’ll probably forget it. Things that we hide from the people who love us (and judge us) most.

Things that even we, ourselves, wish we didn’t know about. But things that our friends, family, and fellow CollegeCandy readers are probably doing all the time, too.

Like our fake boyfriends that we tell strangers about. 

So here is our chance to let it all out. To share our secrets and find that maybe we’re not so crazy, so weird, so abnormal, after all. We’ll spill the beans every Tuesday and invite you to share your own similar experiences below. Just think of it as therapy. Or a really hilarious way to spend a Tuesday afternoon.

Confession: When I know I might be in the bathroom for awhile, I don’t grab a magazine or a book and take it with me; I grab my laptop. (Honestly, the bathroom is the only reason I’d get an iPad – it would be way more portable.) Sometimes I’ll do some online shopping, sometimes I’ll read TextsFromLastNight, but usually I’ll just continue whatever IM convos I was having before I went in there. Yes, while I poop. I’m sure some people would think it’s gross to talk to them while I do my bizness, but I like to think of it as multi-tasking. It’s not like we’re on video chat, right? I mean, that would be weird.

Got a confession? Get it off your chest here. Don’t worry, we won’t judge. We’re sitting here with no pants on, after all.

As a group, women do a really good job of hiding our less attractive qualities. We cover up our imperfections with makeup, we squeeze our “winter weight” into some Spanx, and we make our friends take our phones away so the guy we’re crushing on doesn’t know how crazy we really are.

And that is only scratching the surface.

Because men look at us like pretty, little, delicate flowers, there are so many things about women that most guys just do not know. Things that most women would be horrified to share and most men would be even more disgusted to know. But you know what? I don’t care. Women are people, too, and if guys can walk around scratching their balls, then we should be able to lay it all out there, too.

So in an effort to bridge the gap between the boys and the girls, I thought I’d let some dudes in on a few secrets we ladies have been keeping for.e.verrrr.

1. We fart. And sometimes, it’s loud. And if we’re trying to eat really healthy, it’s smelly.

2. We poop. We may even bring magazines or a laptop in there to pass the time. And if we’re really comfortable with someone, we’ll catch up on the phone. But always with a warning. We may be good at multitasking, but we aren’t inconsiderate a-holes.

3. We talk about farts and poop. And we laugh, because farts and poop are funny.

4. We don’t shower every day. We may argue that it’s bad for our skin or our hair looks better greasy, but sometimes we just don’t feel like showering. So we put on some deodorant and a few extra sprays of perfume and call it a day.

5. We like porn, too. Some of us like it more than others, and we probably don’t spend as much time watching it as dudes, but even ladies like watching a little nookie sometimes. Especially nookie involving a hot guy with chiseled abs, a tight butt and a rock hard glistening chest….

Oh, sorry. Got a little sidetracked there for a moment.

6. We can probably eat more than guys. Some ladies may stick to salads or half-portions of pasta when the guys are around, but bring us a cheese pizza and we can down that thing like it’s nobody’s business. And then we’ll follow it up with something chocolatey. Or fried. And not even break a sweat.

There you have it. All our secrets, right there on the table.
I feel so….free.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m probably the least experienced person I know. Here’s a secret: I may have been kissed before but it was one of those sexless pecs so no real love there. I feel really awkward. I’ve had plenty of boyfriends but I’m really shy about sex. None of them has even gotten close. I’m only a freshmen in college but I’ve been here a while and have had opportunities to hook up ( I try however to avoid alcohol so some parties I won’t go to).

Anyway I was hoping to hook up with my crush but I don’t think I could tell him I like him or anything really. We hang out in groups a lot but I want to know how can I tell if he likes me? And if he does, how to confess?

Sincerly,

VERY Shy

Dear VERY Shy,

First of all, honey, be safe, please. Always use condoms EVERY TIME, no matter what. Okay? Got it? For real. It’s not worth the risk, EVER.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way:

If you wanna lose your V card to him, then you should make sure you can talk to him. Trust me, you do NOT want to sleep with him if you can’t even express how you feel.

I think your first step is to get more comfortable with yourself. Not to squeek you out, but masturbation is a really good tool for getting to know yourself sexually. Explore yourself, find out what you like and what you don’t like. Sex will be a whoooooole lot better if you got one half of the equation down. (Hint: You that half.)

Do you have a friend you can talk about sex with? The more you talk about it, the less shy you’ll be. And read up! It’s much less scary when you know the facts. Get thee to a library and check that shiz out. As long as you’re safe, ain’t nothin to be embarassed about. It’s a healthy part of an adult relationship.

But no sleeping with Crush Boy until you can talk to him about it without getting embarassed. If you’re not old enough to talk about it, you’re not old enough to do it. But I think you’re old enough for both.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luvw

You’ve been killing yourself all semester to tackle mountains of coursework while finding time to hit the gym and develop the perfect bikini bod to show off in Cancun, the Dominican Republic, Miami Beach…or wherever Spring Break 2009 finds you. When the day finally arrives, you’re ready to leave all of your woes behind. In a tropical hotspot hundreds of miles away from your RA, your professors, and your “Good Girl” reputation, you’re ready to let loose.

But be careful, ladies, because there’s still plenty of ways that your spring break behavior can come back to haunt you.

You say: It’s not cheating if it’s in another country.

The Reality: If you’re on holiday with your best girlfriends, the liquor is flowing, and a sunkissed Adonis named Paolo pulls you onto the dancefloor, it can be easy to forget what’s-his-name back home. But still, a commitment is a commitment, and Paolo will be a distant memory by the end of the week. It’s never a good idea to lie to your partner, and you never know if he will, in fact, find out. Last year, a girl saw her personal life go viral after cheating on her boyfriend. He found out and got an acapella group to “serenade” her with the Dixie Chicks’ “Not Ready to Make Nice”…in front of 1,000 fellow students.

You say: Yes! A million miles from my parents, and in this country, I’m legal to drink!

The Reality: Sure, it’s a lot harder for your parents to keep tabs on you when you’re in a different time zone, but it’s also a lot more expensive to call them long distance if your drunk ass gets busted. Some collegiate hotspots expect masses of spring break drunkards, and are prepared to handle them accordingly. Brush up on legal conduct before you take off, and try to keep yourself aware of your surroundings. An article in USA Today, for example, has expressed that students can find themselves in jail for making an “obscene gesture,” and that students arrested on drug charges in Mexico can be held up to a year before seeing a trial. Be smart, not only for your own safety, but to prevent a listing in your school paper’s Police Blotter when you return.

You Say: What do I care? I’m never going to see these people again!

The Reality: It can be a lot easier to lower your inhibitions when you don’t have to care what others think of you. But with the rise of Youtube, Facebook albums, Collegehumor.com, and the invention of camera phones and digital cameras with video recorders, it’s hard to play it safe. Hell, Joe Francis has made a multi-billion empire off of taking advantage of drunken partygoers with his Girls Gone Wild franchise. You don’t want to come home from spring break and have people come up to you at a party a month later saying, “Do I know you?” or “Aren’t you that girl who took her top off in a Wet T-shirt contest in Puerto Vallarta and then puked all over her naked breasts?” Nooooo you do not, my friends.

You say: Whatever, I trust my friends to keep a secret

The Reality: They say that once a photo hits the web, it’s impossible to completely delete it. And the post-break Facebook albums are inevitable. But the more people that have access to your pics, the more potential for these pics to be distributed. All you have to do is right-click a photo in a Facebook album and you can save it your desktop. We’ve all heard the horror stories of people getting fired for the content of pages on social networking sites. Just like the latter warning, the internet can cause your “secrets” to spiral into the public domain. It’s one thing to get drunk and tell your friend an embarrassing story, only to retract it the next morning and say that convo never happened. It’s another to try to erase your World Wide life.

You say: I just want some no-strings-attached lovin’ to get my mind off of my GPA.

The Reality: Studies have shown that spring break correlates with an increase in sexual activity – by 74 percent! Obviously, the more sexual activity, the more chances of coming home with a spring break souvenier…in the form of herpes, genital warts, chlamydia, gonorrhea…you get the idea. Besides, sure, local heartthrob Paolo may seem exotic to you, a naive American tourist, but you’re probably not his first, and you probably won’t be his last. No matter how strongly you and your pals swear each other to secrecy, an STD (or an unwanted pregnancy, for that matter) won’t be left behind.

You say: I’m in tropical paradise! I’m totally safe!

The Reality: If the above reasons to stay safe haven’t convinced you, think about the horror stories that have developed in the past few years, such as the Natalee Holloway story. If you’re worried about your sh*t spread all over campus, how about when your tragedy becomes worldwide news, and people start making their own assumptions about your spring break behavior?

Even if you are trying to play it safe, in a foreign land, it can be more difficult to get the medical assistance you need, should something go awry. And with all the booze that’s flowing, the chances of getting seriously hurt escalate. The aforementioned USA Today article cited a young girl who fell off of a balcony and died after drinking too much; I’m sure there are countless scratches, scrapes, black eyes, and ankle sprains that haven’t made the papers – and they’re all telltale signs you had too much fun over Break when you get back to class.

The mysterious half-brother brought the cast on quite the roller-coaster this week, and it seems that Gossip Girl has achieved Mafia status, as she has the power to order a “hit” on Dan Humphrey. Instead of sleeping with the fishes, however, Dan merely has to deal with the humiliation of the entire school learning about his hankering for tuna. Meh.

As usual, the Bass family stole the show tonight, and Uncle Jack is truly an evil, despicable human being. Since Blair’s had a change of heart, what with coddling the grieving Chuckster and all, we need a new villain that we absolutely love to hate, and Jack sure makes a splash after, what? Two episodes?

Not only does Old Man River have a giant boner for the totally illegal Blair (everyone who commented on the ‘New Years’ references last week wins ten points), but he’s also lusting for a stake in Bass Enterprises, which, much to everyone’s surprise, has just been left to Chuck Bass. What? These minors can drink their faces off, ride around in limos, globetrot for the weekend, but they can’t run billion-dollar companies?

While Gossip Girl and the Queen Bee Wannabes search for Dan’s secret and Lily and Rufus search for their long lost son, Jack sets out to ruin his nephew’s life. And you thought your family reunions were torture. Chuck blows off Blair in favor of a gaggle of hoes and an eight ball of coke, and boy did he make the wrong decision. I’m not talking about being caught out by members of the Board, either. Leighton Meester looked PHENOM in the dress she was wearing when she got the “I’m working late” text from Chuck. Day-am.

The surprise congratulatory brunch for Chuck was this week’s host for the usual drama, with Chuck snapping at Blair and GG sending out a blast outing Dan and Serena’s shared half-brother. And surprise, Chuck! Jack didn’t mention that the board had the ability to replace you for poor behavior, did he? Poor Chuck is out of a hot mama, a huge corporation, a family… and he’ll never have the opportunity to live up to his father’s posthumous expectations. If you need a new shoulder to cry on, you can have mine.

Back to the rollercoaster that is Lily and Rufus’ search for their illegitimate son. First, the lawyers can’t find him. Then maybe they can. Then the new parents don’t want to talk. Then the father will. Then he drops a major bomb: their son died last year. I thought this was just an easy write-off on behalf of the GG writers, to bury (no pun intended) a fairly fallible subplot. But wait- just when you thought you could predict it all, wha-bam! The adoptive parents pull a Jack Bass, lying their way to completely alienate Andrew’s birth parents. This is certainly going to come back to haunt our favorite Upper East Siders in the future.

At the close of the episode, Serena and Dan decide they can work through their “hillbilly”-esque dilemma, Lily and Rufus seem quite cozy themselves, Blair finally washes her hands clean of Chuck, and Vanessa and Nate are celebrating their anniversary. Has it seriously been that long?

Well, fellow GG fanatics, I cannot wait for the supposedly-dead Andrew to shake things up, or for Chuck to wage war on the evil Uncle Jack. Too bad he ruined things with Blair, or he could totally set a pedophile trap for his pervy uncle and take back his company. But hey, anything’s possible in Gossip Girl world.