How many times a day do I see commercials, billboards, magazine ads, internet sidebar ads that tell me that there are ways I could improve my own appearance? I’ll admit it: this isn’t something I ever thought to count before.

I knew a lot of ads aimed at women suggested that we aren’t good enough — but could be with whatever product that they have to offer! — but I never really realized how many times a day I see those kind of ads. I mean, I never noticed the ads on blogs or Facebook beyond the times where I would post a status on Facebook proclaiming my love for pizza and within seconds, all the Facebook ads would morph into weight loss and dating websites. (Thanks, Facebook!)

I spent one day writing down every single ad, from billboards to the internet,  that are aimed at making women and girls feels like they need to change. What did I find? Everyday, we are bombarded with ads instructing us — in a million and one ways — not only that we aren’t good enough, but their product alone can make us better. Can we talk about how that’s complete bull for a second? Just so you know — it is complete crap.

If nothing else, spending a day (I chose September 7 — a day with no big media events) paying attention to ads really opened my eyes to what I’m being told. Over the years, I’ve gotten very good at overlooking ads. But when I sit down and really look at a lot of them, it’s easy to see how absurd they are. Let’s look at some highlights.

Deodorant commercials. Ad and commercial count: 6. Your armpits are inadequate. Dove (or Secret or…) deodorant will turn you into a magnificent armpit goddess. You don’t smell good enough. You need to be “fresh…” If you already are “fresh,” you need to be “fresher” with Dove Body Mist.

Weight Watchers anything. Weight Watchers cookies, meals, plans, everything… I saw about 10 Weight Watchers ads in one day. What’s really weird about these ads is that the women in them — in both TV and print — are generally average weight. It is incredibly unnerving to see the suggestion that healthy-looking women need to lose weight.

“There aren’t even bear sheriffs!” This Yoplait commercial used to make me laugh… but now it kind of makes me sad. Don’t eat cake — you’ll turn into a gluttonous monster. Eat low-fat yogurt saturated with artificial sugar instead. You’ll only feel dead on the inside. The hatred and fear of food that is good in moderation — and the replacement with food that is not even close to natural or good for you (low calorie does not automatically mean healthy) — is really disturbing to me. Plus, I saw this commercial three times in a space of about two hours.

Hair dye. I saw about seven ads for hair dye, most of them about root touch-ups. Now, I’m not saying that we should all walk around with two-inch roots, but the women in the commercials had maybe two to three millimeters of roots. These commercials basically revolved around the fact that if you aren’t constantly monitoring the rate of your hair growth, then your hair is just a hot mess. I promise you, ladies, it’s really not.

What Did I Learn?

Ultimately, I learned that ads play into the insecurities of women. Maybe those insecurities have been created by ads or maybe they were always there (because we were made fun of as kids or whatever reason), but ultimately, ads target insecurities. As women we feel the need to look and smell good, as well as have soft, perfect skin, toned bodies, etc. We have little insecurities that we notice about ourselves that no one else really does. And we might actually forget about these little insecurities for a moment. But then a Weight Watchers commercial comes on with a woman who doesn’t look overweight at all… and you start to wonder, “Do I need to join Weight Watchers?” Or a deodorant commercial comes on and that little voice whispers, “Do you smell good all the time? Could you smell better?”

Ads target the societal pressures that women feel, and for that reason, we shouldn’t let them bother us. Ads exist to sell money – and there are no miracle products (really). There is no product that will make you look like Giselle Bundchen overnight. Paying attention to ads so much for a few days actually started to get to me: I started to notice little things about my appearance that bothered me, but that I had never really noticed before. Never have I spent so much time flipping through magazines and watching TV — two activities I hope to limit in the future, simply because having that much exposure to ads telling me how imperfect I am really did a number on me!

Ads don’t represent reality. Ads are never going to tell the truth, which is, if you shower regularly, you smell fine; your hair will survive an extra two or three weeks between dye jobs; most likely, you don’t need join Weight Watchers. If ads were honest, they would never sell a new product. But we have to remember that ads aren’t around to make us feel good. Ads exist, ultimately, to make money. And the easiest way to make money is to target insecurity. At the end of the day, ads are just ads and they don’t represent the truth about your body.

This may sound a little crazy but I just had an epiphany the other day. And it has to do with slippers.

Stay with me here, I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep lately.

Before I get into the slipper business, I want to share my feelings with you. Since I’m a girl, I tend to have a big barrel of sparkly emotions in my closet. For a while I’ve been feeling…lost. That sounded super sad and lame in my head, but I can’t think of any other way to explain it. After graduating and working on “finding myself” in the real world, all of my answers have been toss ups.

All of those wistful questions run through my mind (in a soft, meek and quiet voice — just to be extra dramatic). “Who am I? What am I suppose to be doing in this world? Is what I’m doing the right thing?” All of these questions run through my mind every day, constantly making sure I’m in the right place at the right time — even though I have full control of knowing what is “right.”

It would be easy to make myself believe that everything I’m doing RIGHT NOW is where I’m suppose to be and worrying about that kind of stuff is not worth it. You can spend so much wasted time worrying about who you are, when instead you could be doing amazing things. Like making sure your sugar cookies are moist enough in the middle. Or getting to the dance floor in time for ‘Party Rock’ by LMFAO. Or watching Rachel Zoe marathons all day on Bravo while eating an entire box of Cheese-Its (it’s been done before).

But, no matter how much I try to keep worrying at bay, I can’t get away from it. And here’s where the slippers come in. Imagine that you owned a pair of slippers and one day you lost them. After looking for them for days, say a good friend of yours found them under the bed. But for some reason, they looked different to you. Even though they were yours, you denied it. “Those aren’t my slippers and they’re still lost!” You screamed dramatically and cried your eyeballs out. Because, well, your slippers were awesome.

Even though you’re probably staring at this article and imagining me going insane, hear me out.

In the slipper story, the slippers are my metaphor for who you are. No matter if who you are or what you’re looking for is right in front of you — if you keep denying it, you won’t have anything at all. So in the end, you need to OWN IT. Own who you are. Take whatever it is you have right now and take pride in it. If you keep saying “nope, that’s not it, those aren’t it,” your slippers and “who you are” aren’t ever going to be there to keep you warm. The only way to personal contentment, is to absorb and own everything that’s authentically you. Don’t deny it, don’t hold back from the truth. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Take those slippers and shove them on. They’re yours and they fit.

[Everyone’s got a vice, a bad habit, something they know they need to change. Unfortunately, everyone also has a million excuses why they just can’t do it. Not anymore. Every month we will be following a different CollegeCandy writer as she takes on a personal challenge. Last month Tiffany spent a month at Outward Bound and challenged her physical limits. This month, Ashley's going to try to stop hating on her body so much. Can she do it!? Could you?]

After week one of this challenge there’s only one thing I know for sure, this is definitely a learning process. I spent the entire first week getting to know just how bad my bad habit is. Not only did I learn about how much this bad habit consumes me (yes, it consumes me, YIKES!), I got to see all the different ways in which it manifests. I realized that in order to change my mindset I’d have to first do a few important things:

1. Take a long hard look in the mirror and pick out all of the things I like about my body- Being the hater I am, I imagined not having much to say, but I did it and I had a fair amount to share with myself. Actually doing it felt silly and embarrassing (I had that ”What I like about you” song playing over and over in my head) even though there was no one around, but it felt good in the end. I am happy to say, “I like what I’m working with.”

2. Get my boo on my side- Although my boyfriend is already my biggest fan who loves and supports me no matter what, I needed to fill him in on the situation. After giving him the 411 on my bad habit and letting him in on my challenge, he said he’d help call me out on my negative behavior. I know this may sound risky to have someone else help correct me when I’m drinking haterade, but I think it can only help. I trust him to be honest and helpful and to not give me a break- sometimes tough love is what we need.

3. Pamper my body and make it feel good- Yes, I did this. I gave myself a nice, long, and hot bath and it felt GREAT! Every body needs a little lovin’.

Completing those three tasks had me more motivated than ever before (okay, more motivated than last week). Now that week two has come and gone, I can truly say I have taken significant steps in the right direction. This week I…

…ate what I wanted and didn’t allow myself to feel guilty. I didn’t allow myself to comment on where those Cheetos would end up, like I normally would have, and I just didn’t care. It wasn’t because I lost my desire to be healthy- I just didn’t care because I knew that one day of eating a bit of junk food wasn’t going to bloat my belly or fatten my thighs. It was only going to make me feel good. I’m a “I’ll believe it when I see it girl” and since I saw that nothing bad happened to my body after eating food I enjoy, I could relax about it. That’s another thing I’m learning on this journey- I need to relax about things like this.

… let others compliment me without saying anything other than thank you. This also felt great. Normally when I would hear kind words about my body from others, I’d comment on how I still had a few more pounds to lose or how I wish could wear this or that. Sometimes it’s good to just take it. Bathe in it. Smile about it. Whatever. Hearing other people notice that I look healthier and more fit feels good and I should be proud of the hard work I’ve put my body through. How can hard work pay off if you never let it? This is another thing to add to the list of what I’ve learned- acknowledge accomplishments.

… simply stopped comparing my body to other people’s bods. The body I have now is the only body I’ll ever have and it’s mine to keep so I had better own it. I’ll admit that looking through my latest Cosmo and Victoria’s Secret magazine was rough, but I found out it is possible to admire the bodies of other women without putting down my own.

Next week I am going to try on clothes that I find “unflattering for my body type.” Not because I want to commit fashion suicide, but because it’s possible that I’ve been being too hard on myself for a long while and I may like what I see after all.

I can honestly say that I feel like learning these things about myself will go a long way. Rarely do I take the time to self-reflect on how I treat me. Do you?

To me, saying I’m insecure sounds a little harsh. It sounds a little wobbly and flaky. It sounds dishonest and awkward. Sometimes, it seems like I’m a little too big for it, kind of like Alice in Wonderland after she ate that piece of crack bread and grew her arms out of a cottage. But I’m willing to believe actually admitting an insecurity of any sort is the first step to fixing it. And I’m very willing to believe that I’m not the only one out there feeling a little bit…emotional and unsure.

Of course there are a lot of things I’m positive and confident about. In relationships, the future, my friends, where my life is going…I am confident and positive that I love to write. I am confident and positive that I am treating my body like a temple (aside from the occasional Sunday morning after a night out at the bars). I am confident and positive that the Lady Gaga’s song called ‘Hair’ makes me feel THIS close to climbing a mountain wearing an 80′s outfit.  I am confident and positive that I deeply love my family, friends, horses, Jesus and Minnesota. I am confident.

But sh*t, I’m insecure too. I never know what I want with relationships. Do I want to make out with this guy at the bar, sleep over at his house and wake up like Sex in the City Samantha and walk out feeling like a million dollars? Do I follow a strict pattern of going on countless dates, letting the guy buy the first meal, wait for a second date, begin intensely dating and wake up for an early special and do it every morning to Maroon 5? Do I have a type? Am I not good enough for him/anyone just because one guy didn’t call me back?

I’m insecure about friendships. It’s hard to keep track of everybody after college — and I’m always worried I’m going to lose my friends just because I can’t communicate with them on a daily basis anymore. Even though I know deep down inside that probably won’t happen — I always catch myself checking up on a friend just to make sure they don’t forget about me/fall of planet earth/move to Africa.

I’m insecure about the future. Will I make enough money to live a comfortable life? Above all–will I look back when I’m 80 and feel fulfilled up to the very brim of my life coffee pot. Hot and steamy, with the giant satisfaction that I lived an energetic and rich life? What if I chose A instead of B? Does that make me any less of an ideal me?

In the thick of it, my insecurities ride from trying to define myself, in a way that I think is beautiful and perfect. I’m always striving to define myself one certain way. And it’s making me insecure. I can’t quite decide where I want to go with…everything. I’m always asking myself:

“Am I OK with this?”

I recently heard something the other day that flickered a little light on the subject of insecurities. Since they sprout from properly defining yourself in retrospect to others, I think it would help to understand something; what beauty means to you. Understand that a beautiful person is a sincere person. In the form of sincerity, it is important for everyone to be themselves in all its realness. Whatever it means to be you, be it! If you’re funny and shy, be funny and shy in all of its honesty. If you are clumsy and emotional and mysterious, be all of that and don’t look back.

Insecurities are things we don’t know about ourselves, to a point where we may not understand where we are going with personal defining. But when we know who we are, and are sincere about who we are, everything will seem more clear. I’m not insecure about that.

7. My self confidence is low today: what if he can tell?

6. What if we share an awkward moment (like queefing!) that kills the mood?

5. What if I don’t climax?

4. What if he doesn’t reach the big O?

3. What if the condom breaks?

2. What if I get pregnant?

1. What if this happens? Seriously — gah! — I don’t even know what I’d do.

We’ve all got ‘em, so what are your own fears? Share them with me in the comments below!

Dear Dude,

I want a boyfriend. I have been single for the last four years, and although there have been opportunities for love to kindle, things just never seem to work out. I think a part of it is my fault. I am very conscious about my weight (I am full-figured). I think I am a very intelligent, funny and generous person, and I have a great circle of friends. But I don’t know how to show a guy that I have all these qualities because, frankly, most guys seem more interested in the way women look. Dude, how can I make a guy see past my weight to the person that I am inside, when looks play such a huge role in a guy’s opinion of a girl?

Sincerely,
Single and Not Loving It

P.S. I want to add that I am not ugly, just a little overweight.

Dear Single and Not Loving It,

First things first…thank you.  Thank you for bringing this up.  This is such an important issue that isn’t discussed enough!  I have ranted and raved about this for a decade now and I hope that someone will start to listen.  So here we go!

Real men want real women!  That’s the bottom line.  Since when did “so thin I may shatter every bone in my body if I fall and I look like a cancer patient” become sexy?  Has anyone else noticed how closely these women resemble pre-pubescent teenage girls?  I have!  And what does that say about the people who think that’s attractive?

And on top of looking totally ridiculous with your hips and ribs showing through your clothes, being that hungry all the time turns a nice girl into a complete bitch!  I know when I skip a meal I get pretty irritated; I would likely go postal if I tried to survive on 500 to 1000 calories a day. And that may be high for some of these chicks!

Let me give you some examples and/ or inspirations:

Christina Hendricks = SEXY
Diane Kruger = Gross
Beyonce = WOWZZA
Kate Bosworth = Gross
Sara Ramirez = SCHWING
Olsen Twins = Gross
J-Lo = GIGGITY GIGGITY
Zoe Saldana = Gross

Get the picture?

These women could all stand to have a cheesburger and cut a few workouts from the routine.  And if a guy tells you he is truly attracted to women who look like this, then consider keeping any young teenage girls you know far away from him.  Think about this logically for a second.  Women are designed to carry a certain percentage of body fat.  A womans body is designed for reproduction.  A body with very little fat (or one who is skinny fat, ie. no fat or muscle to speak of) goes against Nature’s intentions for that body. Why do you think people who look like that have to resort to multiple daily workouts and eating disorders to look that way?

So to step down from my soapbox and get to my point, try to be more like the four girls above who got very positive feedback.  Stay healthy, but don’t overdo it. And take pride in your curvy body and yourself. What you don’t realize is that right now guys are focusing on your weight because that’s what you’re focusing on. If you stop thinking about your size and think only about how funny and smart and beautiful you are, guys will see all of those things too. There is nothing sexier to a man than a girl with confidence – regardless of her size – so get out there and show guys all your wonderful qualities.

– The Dude (who takes meat on the bones over skin and bones any day of the week!)

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn’t include asking him out; boyfriend is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Unlike many of my friends, I didn’t spend my summer working my butt off at some incredible internship, or traveling around the globe checking out exotic places. I put my seven years of competitive swimming to use and decided to teach people how to swim at a nearby university. Not only did I get to enjoy the gorgeous Miami weather on a daily basis (when we weren’t having torrential downpours) and get to look at the even more gorgeous guys, I learned some very interesting things.

For example, even the cutest little girl’s vomit will be vile when you are covered with it. And, even though the adorable boy you teach can’t be more than 40 pounds, his “accidental” kicks to your lady parts will make you see stars. Every. single. time.

Since I don’t plan on teaching swimming or working with kids in the future, I didn’t anticipate learning anything super important through this job. I figured I’d be in the sun, make some money, and get really pruney fingers now and then. But while I was teaching these little kids how to stay afloat in a large body of water, they were teaching me a much bigger lesson.

The thing is, kids are crazy confident. But it’s not just regular confidence; it’s the type that magazines promise you’ll get if you turn to page 124! It’s the kind that would keep you from caring if you ever fell face first in front of your crush, or even in front of your ex and his new girlfriend.

One of my students, Karl*, basically thought he was the next Olympian. He’d try a new stroke, completely butcher it, and come up gasping for air.”Good, right?!” he’d ask. At the end of the lesson, as a little treat, I would take Karl over to the diving board. He’d climb on up there and throw himself off of it, limbs outstretched, hollering in some language only 8-year-old boys can understand. He didn’t care who was watching or what they thought; he did what he wanted to do.

Then there was me, surveying the scene as I walked around the pool to see who was watching and if they noticed the cellulite on my thighs I was trying to cover with a pair of Soffes. I was conscious about my every move, constantly thinking about who was out there and what they were thinking of me.

Then there was Eloise*, a precious little four-year-old. Kid sank like a rock every time I let go of her. Even if I tried to help her along or bring her closer to the wall she was swimming to, she’d screech “No! I can swim!” while wriggling out of my grasp like a puppy. She had faith that she could do it, even though she kept messing up. Eloise didn’t ever seem scared of failing (or drowning, in this case), she was just excited to try again and see what she could do.

Where does this kind of confidence, this infallible belief in ourselves, go as we get older? Why can’t we just do what we want to do instead of getting bogged down by our fears of rejection, failure, and how other people perceive us? Why can’t we face the world with the “I can do that” attitude of our childhood selves, instead of with the feeling that we’ll never be good enough for everyone around us?

We need to get a hold of that confidence again!

These kids taught me that you can accomplish so much if you just fully, 100% believe that you can. This applies to everything, from getting a date with a hot guy that’s “out of your league” (I hate when people say that!) to scoring an A in econ if you’re not a math person (I could definitely use some confidence in that area). When we believe we will fail, we will. And when we focus more on what other people think, we lose ourselves.

I’m no failure and I’m definitely not ready to give up on being me. I may have taught my students how to swim without their floaties, but they taught my how to live without my baggage. And to consider investing in some protection for my lady parts.

*Names changed to protect the adorable.

Like most people out there, I love and thoroughly enjoy a good orgasm. Honestly, who doesn’t?

Apparently, a lot of people. Cuz they’re not having ‘em.

I’ve had countless friends tell me that despite all the sex they’re having, they’ve yet to show their O face. And statistics show that around 43% of women have not experienced the pleasure of the big O.

How can this be?! There is an orgasm epidemic out there and I feel like I must do my part to put an end to this madness! I know I’m no doctor with a fancy PH.D, but I am a twenty-something woman who has (thankfully) gotten off enough to say a thing or two about the female orgasm. So here are a few steps that will lead you to pleasuretown (population: you!).

1. Get Comfortable: The first step may be the simplest. You just have to learn how to be 100% comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. Orgasms only come after you’re at a point where you can relax and let the sensations (or hot man) take over. How to reach a good comfort level? Get a tan or catch some rays. Grab a hand mirror and explore your southern territories. Keep a journal and be honest with yourself. You just have to find a way to feel beautiful and love yourself first.

2. Self-stimulation: Yes ladies, I’m talking about good ol’ masturbation. After all, why would anyone else want to have sex with you, if you don’t want to have sex with yourself? Grab a vibrator or turn on a naughty flick if you need the extra help.

3. Downward Dog It: Practice your yoga, ladies! You’ll learn a ton of positions such as lotus, downward dog, and crane. These will not only lead to a healthy, happier you, but they will also make you limber. Improved flexibility will allow you to explore more advanced sex positions that often lead to intensified orgasms.

4. Find a Mr. McSteamy: This one is pretty self-explanatory. But a little FYI: for many women, the more emotionally intimate you are with a sex partner, the more deep and intense the orgasm. Don’t expect Mr. Let’s Go Back to My Place For a Wham Bam Thank You Maam to give you your first O.

5. Speak Up: Who knows your body better than you do? No one. Well, at least not until you tell them. Be vocal with your partner if you’ve been sexing it up without any grand finale. Tell them, show them! Just let them know what feels good and what you enjoy the best.

So if you’re one of the 43% that hasn’t O’ed yet, don’t worry. Follow some of these steps and hopefully you’ll have the toe-curling event that we all deserve.

I can finally say it: we’re in the thick of summer. My days are now devoted to lying out on my back porch, tackling the one assignment a week my online summer class requires and dealing with my parents.

Yep, I’m back home.

Even though my parents are legitimately insane (and anal about everything), there have been some real obvious perks about shacking up here for the summer.

Case in point: All those hot guys from high school I haven’t seen in 3+ years? Yeah, they’re here, too.

So, I did what any horny (..and lonely) girl who’s home from her college town for an extended period of time with no job and/or source of income would do: I called up (and by called up I mean, Facebook-messaged) a cute guy from my neighborhood. And we hung out and hit it off right away.

Hanging out with someone new is always exciting. I absolutely thrive off those first few weeks of a budding relationship when all I can think about is the other person and wonder if he’s thinking about me, too. I love anxiously waiting for that phone call or text message after the first date that seals the deal that you two might have a future together. I LOVE IT, LOVE IT.

Well, I didn’t get that this time.

This guy – however charming, attractive & intelligent he may be – did not give me any sort of chase. In fact, he became what every girl (and guy) dreads: a stage five clinger. After we hung out one night, said dude thought it was okay to text me multiple times a day. He also thought that if I didn’t respond to those text messages, maybe I’d respond to multiple phone calls. In a row.

Yeah, it got pretty bad. I became extremely freaked out. But, he is still cute and smart, so I decided to continue to see him. He is absolutely amazing in person – even if he does want to see me like, all day, everyday.

So, since I’m going through this kind of sitch as we speak, I thought I could offer some sound advice to any of you other CCers out there dealing with a clingy dude:

1. First and foremost, be honest with him about your feelings. I actually had to sit down with this guy and explain to him that I was not into him texting me 10+ times a day (unless he had Verizon Wireless, too. Maybe then we could’ve worked out a deal). It actually wasn’t as awkward or awful as I thought it would be and he seemed to take it pretty well. He apologized for his, um, “excitability factor” and promised to back off the keypad for a bit. Sometimes people can surprise you.

2. Understand that people have different ideas of “clingy.” Some people need lots of space, while others are perfectly fine with others being all up in their business all the time. I am the former, an extremely private person who cherishes and needs my alone time. I realized quickly, though, that Mr. Clinger, was not like me. He actually treated his friends the same way he treated me – with multiple texts and phone calls a day. I think society teaches us that men are supposed to want their space, but this isn’t always necessarily true. Talk to him about what he feels is an adequate amount of time spent texting, talking to and seeing each other a week. If your ideas don’t match, at least you’ll know before he gets TOO attached and starts to stalk you and/or your friends. I decided that after dealing with some extreme d-bags recently who couldn’t have cared less what I was up to all day, having a clinger didn’t seem quite so bad.

3. Know that things can change. Sometimes one person falls harder for another right off the bat. Mr. Clinger might meet you, decide you’re amazing (cause, well, you are) and know right away that he wants you to himself. Guys are very visually-oriented: If they see something they want, they will go after it – sometimes with a little more vigor than us ladies can handle. After you get to know your clinger a little better, you might find yourself falling for him, too and then that hourly communication might not be so bad anymore.

4. Encourage him to cultivate his own interests. If you’re already in a relationship with a clinger, or his clinginess comes on later in the game, it might be due to his insecurity about your relationship. Remind him that you care about him, but encourage him to go out and do things that he used to like. Obviously you were attracted to him for a reason, so remind him of those things you liked and support him in whatever “solo” activities he wants to participate in. Check your own clinginess, too. Usually relationships work best when both partners have a similar level of neediness.

5. But if you can’t take it, don’t. Even though your opinion of clinger could change, don’t try to force yourself to feel something you don’t. Clingy guys (or people, in general) are normally only viewed that way because they are way more into you than you are into them. I got lucky with my clinger and he turned out to be an alright dude after his initial fascination with me wore off. However, some dudes really are straight up creeps and/or future abusive boyfriends. If seeing his name on your caller ID still makes you squeamish after a few dates, do yourself and him a favor and wave his clingy ass goodbye.

6. And last but not least, if he doesn’t listen to you – Run for the hills! Since you’re here at CC, I can assume you’re a pretty smart lady. If you feel that you’ve been given some definite red flags and you’ve talked to dude about his clinginess (or even tried to end things) but he still won’t back off – you might have to do something drastic. Quit answering his calls and texts completely. Block him on Facebook. Avoid places you think you might see him for awhile. File a restraining order. Kidding. Kinda.

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

In this March’s “The New Attitude That Drives Men Wild,” Molly Fahner attempts to dissect the fine art of playing hard to get. Oh, you didn’t see that coming from the title? Don’t worry, me either. I like to reflect on the hidden meanings of the cover story articles, because they are so very often not what you think they’ll be (aside from the “596 Sex Tips We Publish Every Month”).

I imagined that Cosmo had discovered a rare personality trait that those girls who’ve consistently been in serious relationships their whole lives possess. Perhaps the Cosmo labs had created a mutated DNA strain that lured smart, funny and successful hotties from miles away. I at least hoped that the article would not use Madonna as an example of who to emulate when browsing for a guy.

But alas I was wrong. Instead, I was treated to a one page enigma trying to draw a distinct line between playing it cool and being aloof. If generations of stitch-n-bitching hasn’t nailed this down, Cosmo, I highly doubt that you’ve suddenly discovered the perfect way to play “the game.” But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we get to the mind bottling (yes I am one of the 5 people who saw Blades of Glory) conclusion, let’s explore Cosmo’s genius reasoning as to why “Today, it’s not a woman’s money, prestige or beauty that is so enticing, but more a cocktail of personality traits and, yes, a certain bitchiness,” that win over men.

Cosmo Says: “We noticed in December…how baseball play Alex Rodriguez shamelessly followed Madonna around like a little poodle…Clearly, as Madonna proves, being ballsy and comfortable with oneself is a big turn-on.”

Kari Says: Ok, I’ll buy it. I’m down with female empowerment and self confidence. The only problem with Madonna’s “Ballsiness” is that the average guy might find it a little too literal. I mean, most guys in my dating range aren’t major league baseball players desperate for someone to dominate them. Actually, the idea of a 50 year old body builder in a top hat and sequined spandex bossing them around just doesn’t sound too appealing (or so I’m told). So perhaps Madonna isn’t exactly the best role model for this “fierce type of female allure.”

Cosmo Says: “Another part of the mix is appearing as anything but needy…Simply put, showing a bit of ‘I like you, but I could live without you’ attitude is intriguing to men.”

Kari Says: Wait—so it’s bad if I tell him that will die without his love after the second drink he buys me? What if I just explain to him that I’m totally available at any given time that he wants to hang out, just so he knows that he won’t have to worry about rejection? Oh, those are both bad? Well, thank goodness you finally published this article, Cosmo, I don’t know how you didn’t discover this groundbreaking attitude decades earlier.

Cosmo Says: “A third component of this woman’s draw is that she turns herself into a prize worth seeking.”

Kari Says: Hm, where to begin. I guess I’ll start where Cosmo completely devalues women as people and suggests that we objectify ourselves to obtain suitable partners. So much for feminism, the trick to being a worthwhile human being is to be a really great potential girlfriend! And the only way to do so is to make myself into a “prize worth seeking.” Did the scene on Jasmine’s balcony in Aladdin mean nothing to you, Cosmo? And I quote: “ I am not a prize to be won!” Christ, if Disney could get it right…

Cosmo Says: “What isn’t as important as you think? Appearance. Also, don’t employ aloofness—it’s too old school.”

Kari Says: Alright, inner beauty. Nice recovery Cosmo, after the whole trophy GF thing. I’m just a bit confused considering that your advice to let him know that I could “live without him.” Would that be considered aloof? See, there’s the problem with trying to specifically label aloofness and intrigue. Whatevs, I have faith that your final paragraph will lead me unerringly to man-magnetism.

Cosmo Says: “Finally, be aware that while guys like a chase, they ultimately want a reward. By maintaining a you-can’t-touch-this vibe for even a bit too long, you just might drive him away.”

Kari Says: WHAT?!?! That was completely inconclusive! You just cancelled out everything else you told me to do! And moreover, that is totally not a “new attitude.” It’s just some incredibly vague advice. So basically what I have to do to find a decent guy is act like a bitch, then act like Madonna, then be aloof, then sacrifice my worth as a woman, then DON’T be aloof, and most importantly, don’t wait too long to put out or he’ll get bored. Thank you, Cosmo, for once again reaffirming that you know all concerning love, lust and womanhood.

What did you think of “The Bitchy Little Move Men Love?” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that it bamboozled me. Any other complaints? I personally found it hard to believe that all Marissa Miller does to maintain her Victoria’s Secret bod are those cute little stretches on pg 159. Are you scared to orgasm thanks to pg 140? Let’s hear it.