Yes, you read that right – Booty Parlor. Who doesn’t love a cute play on words? Booty Parlor is a line of products that were created with women’s sexuality in mind, whether she’s single or in a relationship. It is a brand that encourages women to indulge in their sexiness, free of shame or self-consciousness. I had the opportunity to speak with the creator, Dana B. Myers, who is inspirational as both a female entrepreneur and a sex-positive role model.

What inspired you start Booty Parlor?

I was inspired by my mom – she was a makeup artist. I watched her transform women. While she was doing makeup, she would chat with her clients about everything women talk about. They felt so much better about themselves after – it was a big influence on me, where women were helping women and inspiring each other. Also, I was very interested in all things related to sex. I was lucky enough that it was never a taboo subject in the house. I felt confident, open and excited to explore and experience sex. It made me the go-to sexpert for my girlfriends. Fast forward after being in the music industry, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to combine beauty and sexiness and create a beauty parlor for your love life. I wanted to do products from the beauty world that you could use in your bedroom. I wanted fun and sassy, not sleazy and trashy. I told my boyfriend, and he said “sounds great, let’s do this together!” A month later we lost our jobs and we started working on our business plan.

How did you start promoting yourself?

What is the mission of your brand?

The mission is to help women gain confidence. In my book, Mojo Makeover, I address it in two parts. The first involves seductive beauty, body rituals, and sexy mantras. There are little actions you can do with our products that daily wait to infuse some sexy into your life. It gives women the info and product – living a sexy life is as important as eating well, getting a workout, excelling in your job or at school. It’s a facet of women’s lives that’s put in the back corner. When it is integrated in your daily life – feeling sexy, and talking to your friends or boyfriends about your sex life, you start to feel that sense of empowerment and you carry it out with you, and you feel more confident. You feel like you know yourself. You start seeing the positive effects and getting more positive attention and want to now what’s going on in your world. It’s exciting to see that change happen. The book is four weeks of steps and tricks to invigorate your sex lives.

The second part relates to sexy experiences – a lot of women are are in the dark about what turns them on, what they enjoy, and we want that information. I describe sexy scenarios that women can create with their lover. Language tends to be a barrier because they think they have to use dirty words. In the book, I think I found language to communicate with women to make it accessible and fun, and it’s saucy, but not dirty. It’s important to take away that dirty edge, but keep it fun, sassy, and exciting in order to break through the stigma. We carry shame through our families or negative experiences, and I encourage women to forgive themselves . It’s okay to not be perfect.

What are the most common anxieties?

1. Negative body banter – that self-destructive mental chatter that we inflict on ourselves, where we start comparing ourselves to other women, we compare ourselves to the unrealistic images in the media that are impossible for most to attain. Our self-worth and self-confidence are linked to our size and external beauty. We think we’re too big or too small or too bony or too curvy, and we feel ashamed. It’s hard to be open and share yourself with a lover and express yourself sexually when you feel that way. I encourage women to create positive banter and self-love. It’s about radical self-acceptance and self-love. Stand in front of the mirror and fake it ’til you make it if you have to. Stand in front of the mirror and say “I love you, thighs, because you’re mine and you make me have a great swagger.” Even if it feels awkward, the more you repeat it, the more you start believe it and build self-confidence.

2. When women start viewing sex as a chore 
It starts off really exciting, but things start to slow down. You start having sex only once a week, and it becomes hard to keep the desire alive. It becomes hard for women for enjoy sex for the joy that it is.

3. Poor sex communication skills. 
We’d love it if our boyfriends could read our minds, but they can’t. If you’re not talking about sex or learning to communicate about sex. It’s hard to find out what the other person means or discover new things you’re interested in. Being silent or talking about things on a surface level and you can’t find the words to express yourself, it’s hard to find your sexiest satisfaction. First, you have to know what you want to communicate it. To create a great sex life, you’ve got to learn to talk about things. The book addresses learning how to communicate. Start with talking to your girlfriends – talking things out, sharing your problems with the women you trust can be so powerful.

4. When women hold on to sex guilt. 
It’s not uncommon for women to have a dark experience in their sexual history that left them guilty, dirty, shameful or gave them some baggage they can’t let go of. I think for women to feel empowerment, they have to work through that sex guilt. Whether it was a traumatic experience and you need to see a therapist or confront the person you had the experience with, it’s important for women to move forward. Guilt is the least productive emotion I’ve ever experienced. Letting go of guilt is very impacting and it’s a great experience.

What is the best way to combat the negative stigma that can be attached to being single?

When I moved to LA, I didn’t know how I was going to meet anyone. In NY, everyone’s on the street; in LA, everyone’s in their car. I was at work and I was like, “Will I ever find another boyfriend?” If I look back into my 20s, what I wish that I knew was that “You will find your true love.” Everything up to that point is just fun. Everything is an experience that will enrich your life, and will teach you what you do like, and what you don’t like. When my friends break up with someone, I’d just say “Next!” If it isn’t right, it isn’t right. Booty Parlor does have a line called Flirty Little Secret that includes pheromones. There’s a firming cream, body butter, bronzer, perfume, and a shower scrub. You can layer them and the experience of putting on these creams, creating a ritual, creating a seductive body ritual, and as you do it, you’re thinking sexy thoughts, and you feel sexier and walk with confidence, and you notice you’re getting more attention. If you want to flirt, great. If you don’t, then don’t. If you have tactics in your back pocket and you have some language, to have those tools is empowering.

What is your favorite product?

Aphrodisiac Berry Lip Gloss. It gives you this perfectly kissable pout, and it’s infused with aphrodisiacs. So it makes you look great and makes you feel a little riskier. The other is my skin honey. It’s a kissable lotion that can be a massage gel and a lubrication. It’s inspired by 9 and a Half Weeks. The product is meant to be drizzled anywhere you want to be kissed, and makes the experience even greater.

What is the appeal of your book, Mojo Makeover?

I’ve gotten great feedback from women in their 20s to their 50s – after all, confidence never goes out of style.

I love any message that encourages women to take control of our sexuality. Dana gives some great advice – even if you’re not into gels or candles or lip gloss or this specific kind of femininity, taking the time to appreciate your body and love it for its ability to receive pleasure is never a bad thing. Letting go of all the accumulated negativity that can cling to us is also an incredibly empowering thought. Dana’s book, Mojo Makeover, is available for purchase now!

Hey Dude,

I’m not ugly. Not by a long shot. I mean, I’m only a 32B and lack curves, but I’m pretty, and I’ve had plenty of guys tell me this. The problem is: nobody wants me. Ever. I attempt flirting, but guys always go for my curvy friends.

Even though I don’t understand sports, I’m able to talk to guys fairly easily. I’ve had guy friends since I was 10 years old, when most of my female friends didn’t have them until they were 13. I can talk about Star Wars, roller coasters, whatever. I’m very good at being able to talk about pretty much anything, even if I don’t know about the topic.

But why do guys always go for my friends? Why am I always the one left completely alone? I’m as virginal as they come because no guy wants me. When my friends and I go into the city, it’s impossible for someone not to stare at my friends. Guys completely ignore me.

It also seems like the rare guys I do attract are either sweet but socially inept geeks or total douches that just want my body. Why is it so impossible for me to find someone moderately attractive and sweet?

I feel completely lost. I’ve contemplated a boob job, dying my hair blonde and wearing blue contact lenses in hope that somebody would be attracted to me, but am afraid of losing “me.” The problem is, “me” isn’t attractive enough for anybody.

What do I do?

Thanks,

Leulah Maloney

Dear Leulah Maloney

You don’t need a boob job. You don’t need contact lenses. You don’t need to dye your hair. You just need to be the “you” that you want to be.

Looks can initiate a meet but they don’t always carry the guy home with you. It takes more than just having a lot of curves. And, Hell, 32B ain’t nothin’ to be ashamed of. Sometimes the reason lies not within our stars but within ourselves and sometimes we’re just in the wrong f*cking solar system.

To an extent what you’re lacking is perspective. You’re hurt and battered emotionally by the rejection and neglect to the point where you can’t see the Tardis from the telephone booth.

There are tons of theories out there having to do with why we feel like we’re always being passed over for other people. A lot of those theories actually boil down to one hyphenated word: self-confidence.

The theory being that nobody can love you until you love yourself. It definitely does sound like you’re lacking confidence in yourself. That doesn’t mean confidence alone is the only thing that’ll help, but it’s one thing that will. The trick is to get in a position where you find yourself feeling confident. This has a lot to do with how you’re meeting guys. If trying to pick up guys in the city isn’t working, then look elsewhere. Ask yourself: Where do I feel like I’m at my best? When do I feel the most comfortable? Then see if there’s a way to exploit that activity/hobby/place into giving you the booster you need to be bolder. On the other hand, there are plenty of unhealthy relationships out there based on the fact that one or both people involved have no self-confidence and that’s what the whole codependent miserable thing is hinged on. Again, those are unhealthy relationships, so I don’t recommend looking for a hook up with a guy because he lacks any sense of individuality.

The main thing is that you feel lost. When people feel lost, they often get scared and they project that fear in all kinds of ways that they may not even be conscious of. This is where the idea of perspective really comes into play. Ask your friends, who see you out with guys, how you tend to come off. Ask them to be honest. Maybe there’s something you’re doing that you don’t know you’re doing but it tells other people “I’m closed off.” Then again, it could be about standards.

Nobody thinks their standards are out of whack. From our own viewpoint what we’re looking for is perfectly reasonable. Even when we refuse to settle for anything less than Yvonne Strahovski. Reevaluate the pattern of the type of guys you’ve been attracted to. Go the opposite route one night. Sometimes a change of pace gets us out of a rut.

There are a thousand ways to skin the cat but they all start with you. You make a change. You take another step forward. You put yourself out there one more time. There’s nothing wrong with feeling lost. There’s nothing wrong with feeling lonely. Sometimes the more we fight against something, the stronger we make it. I’m not saying change your life and I’m not saying simply think it and it will happen. I’m saying hold on to the belief in yourself that you are desirable, you do deserve to feel desired, and let go of all the restraints for a little while.

Be willing to get a little lost, with the idea in mind that you’ll find yourself someplace new. And that new place might just be where you’ve felt yourself struggling to get to all along.

Don’t stop believing,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

So, in between endless reruns of A-List and RuPaul’s Drag Race, LOGO airs a gem called Bad Sex. Ten people with varying levels of sexual dysfunction all seek help, but unlike most other “tough love” type reality shows, the person from whom they’re receiving therapy is a) sex positive and b) a certified sex therapist. Last week, I had the opportunity to interview Chris Donaghue, star of Bad Sex, and ask him about some of the sexual dysfunctions featured on the show.

CC: What is the premise of Bad Sex?
CD: It’s an exploration of the sex lives of 10 different participants, ranging from every gender, every sexual orientation, every age group. Bi, gay, straight, questioning. From sex addiction to sexual anorexia, love addiction and coming out stories. It’s not a gay show. There are only 2-3 people who are gay. It’s the kind of show that can tap into the heterosexual.

CC: How do you approach your patients?
CD: I’m not gentle, but I’m not penalizing.  You have to oscillate. It’s important to hold these people accountable to some of their bad behavior, but then you have to show up with empathy, and be loving and care-taking around more vulnerable patients.

CC: How do you identify a sex addiction?
CD: We’re at a time — culturally, socially, psychologically — where everyone is wanting to identify out of the norm and classify hypersexual behavior as a sex addiction. It’s kind of shaming some people’s sexuality. You can be hypersexual without it being addiction. Addiction is not about quantity. There’s no magic number. Everyone has an individual comfort level. It’s about the outcome. If your sex life is creating problems in your daily life, it’s a problem. If your sex life is creating shame and guilt, it’s a problem. If it’s impairing, it’s a problem. If you’re feeling confident and there are no negative consequences, it’s great. But, especially for women who enjoy sex, they may be labeled a slut. If you acknowledge that you love sex, and know you’ll be called a slut, you’re not going to carry around protection for fear of being labeled and you’re setting yourself up for negative consequences. The word “slut” needs to be eradicated.

CC: On the flip side, what is sexual anorexia? 
CD: Instead of acting out sexually, it’s a fear and avoidance and discomfort and rejection of sex.  It mirrors food anorexia. Sex anorexics don’t want to consume or talk about sex. There is a difference between a sexual anorexic and a late bloomer. A late bloomer is someone who holds off on sex, but they’re confident in their choice and they can own it and talk about it. Sexual anorexics have anxiety — they don’t want to think about it. It is usually born out of trauma.

CC: What is the most common sexual dysfunction?
CD: If I’m working with couples, disparate sexual desire — one partner wants sex way more than the other. Also, love and sex addiction, which is usually encouraged by the internet in that it is always accessible and confidential. Women and men are cheating online via webcams and sexting. It’s becoming compulsive and impulsive. They get caught up in it to the detriment of a healthy sex life.

CC: How does that happen?
CC: Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. Sex became more attractive as a way to cope or check out. Their sex isn’t wholesome, healing or pleasure based. They have shame and guilt. They’re not having happy relationships. It happens when people get into a relationship, and they can’t handle another level of intimacy, so they get it taken care of out of the relationship. More men are sex addicts, more women are love addicts — obsessively reading romance novels, watching certain tv shows, starting online relationships, their whole life shrinks to one addiction.

CC: What role does self-esteem play in sexual dysfunction?
CD: Self-esteem is the basis of everything. It’s at the core. Getting more self-esteem is how you start to raise the bar and demand better, and don’t allow unhealthy behaviors or addictions.

CC: How do you start re-building self-esteem?
CD: Isolating problematic behaviors. Take a break and recover. Restructure life. Building a nurturing social circle. Engaging in romantic relationships that feel wholesome or nurturing. Finding a purpose in life.

CC: What is the neurology of sex?
CD: Everything that happens has a neurological aspect. Every change in our behavior creates a change in our brain. Love addiction or sexual anorexia reshapes your brain and you set up your brain to not welcome a relationship or it wants constant stimulation. You have to rewire your brain through changing your behavior.

CC: Why is our culture so sex-negative.
CD: We use words that show/imply embarrassment. We don’t say vagina, we say “down there.” I’m a fan of correct language. It’s okay to talk about sex and sexuality. Get the words out there so people don’t shudder. There’s so much shame in our bodies and our sexuality. Our culture, religion and education dump our issues on us and they teach us which words to use. Using “slut” and “down there,” I have to stop and say “do you mean…?” and don’t shame them.

CC: How do you communicate effectively?
CD: A lot of couples operate from a place of mind-reading. If sex isn’t feeling good or you’re interested in trying other things, tell them. It’s about getting comfortable having a conversation. At first your partner might be awkward, but you have to do it. Coming out is scary and it isn’t just for gay people. You come out over and over again, because your sex life might change. You have to work to express the range of your sexuality. Vocalizing how you feel.  Relax and allow yourself to receive. It’s okay to be self-absorbed. Sex challenges our body esteem. Get comfortable with your body and what it looks like and feels like.

Are you totally obsessed with him yet? A guy on TV promoting healthy, positive, non slut-shamey attitudes toward sex? I am! Catch Bad Sex on LOGO Fridays at 9:00pm. You can also stream the episodes at logotv.com!

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m going back to college in the fall and I wanted to re-invent myself, still stay the same but have a total new outlook on life and a new attitude. Back as a freshman guys would make fun of me and torture me, and it was horrible. I wanted to go back in the fall as a new person, and have those guys who made fun of me not know what hit them. Also, I had a friends with benefits situation with one of my guy friends, and when I had asked him why he hooked up with me, he said along the lines of, ‘We’ll I was bored and I knew that you’d hookup with me.’ It was something much worse along those lines but it’s too embarrassing to disclose. SO, I wanted to know how do I show my ex-hookup buddy and those other guys that I’m tougher than ever and started a brand-new attitude?

Thanks for your help in advance,
Looking to find a new me

Dear Looking,
I think Aunt Tuffy may be too late on this one in time for the fall (sorry, babies!! I gets a lot of questions and I gots to work through ‘em!!) but I still wanna address it. Okay?

So, I want to punch every single one of those guys in the groan and then I want to take their small testes and put them in a testes tube and mix them up and then I want Carrot Top to poo on them. That, I should wish on them. You don’t say how these guys tortured you, but I’m going to assume it was just verbal picking-ons. Giiiiirl. These guys are so not even WORTHY of looking upon you when you go (went?) back this fall. For reaaaaaalz.

I don’t know what the problem was, but I DEFINITELY think that YOU are not the one who needs to change. These ashholes better hope they never meet up with Tuffy. I mean, seriously. Bullying is so 1990s. But let’s say there’s something about yourself you’d like to improve. Yes, of course, go for it. We can all be better, and we should all always be TRYING to be better. Some people are bad listeners. Tuffy has a bad temper and cuts people who are bad listeners. Etc. So, by all means, self-improve.

BUT!!!!!!!!

It sounds to me like you somehow fell victim to a particularly cruel group of  the species known as Jerkus Offus. AVOID THESE DOOFI. They are SO not worth the toxic energy they’re sending your way. Just steer clear of them. And if you run into them, just smile, say hi, and, no matter what they say, just keep walking.

IF they are being physical in ANY ANY way, you MUST tell your campus police and file a complaint with the school. You hear me?! MUST!!!! In the meantime, your “ex-hookup buddy” does not deserve to be your friend. Sever all ties. Seriously.

Although, honestly, why would you ask someone why they hooked up with you?! Which brings me to: I’m guessing you just have very poor self-esteem. You’re letting it show, and, unfortunately, jerkus offus smell the blood in the water. You don’t have to change yourself, honey. All you have to do is be more confident. And to be more confident, you just have to ACT more confident, and soon you’ll start believing it.

Do me a favor and make yourself a mantra. Every morning, before you leave your room, look in the mirror, look yourself right in the eye, and say eight times out loud: “I am awesome.” Sounds stupid, but I bet you all my bubblegum it’ll work. Get out there, girl. You better WERK.
Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

[Everyone’s got a vice, a bad habit, something they know they need to change. Unfortunately, everyone also has a million excuses why they just can’t do it. Not anymore. Every month

So here’s another thing this challenge has taught me about myself — It’s REALLY hard for me to keep my promises. But only when it comes to me, I always follow through with promises I make to other people. This is probably because when the person on the other end of the promise is me, there’s no one to hold me accountable for that promise. To be perfectly honest, I’ve fallen off a little this week. Here are the actions and comments that were not very “I love my body” friendly:

1. I let the scale convince me that I wasn’t disciplined enough. I let a minor .4 of a lb make me feel like shit. I woke up on Sunday morning and for whatever reason put all my happy eggs in the “my weight will be down this week, I know it” basket. It had been a while since I last weighed myself and with all the running I’d been doing I was certain the scale was going to reflect all my hard work. I was wrong…or was I? Of course I should have known better, I knew that my weight didn’t necessarily reflect how healthy I was or how much I’d been working out. I was happy with how I looked and how I was fitting into old clothes again, but for whatever reason I needed a scale to reassure me. Now that Sunday’s long gone I’m over it and I realize I can’t keep putting myself through that. Stupid me (and stupid scale)!
2. I let two zits make me have an “ugly day” and I dressed and acted accordingly. Whenever I’m feeling yucky or ugly I dress in sweats, I don’t do my hair, and I’m more or less a bit apathetic to life that day. Luckily, I straight up said “I feel ugly today” out loudin front of my boyfriend and he reminded me that I was still beautiful and the zits would be gone in a day or two. I was over reacting to the blemishes and I knew it, but having him remind me of how silly I was being snapped me back to reality. Zits-0, Me-1, Boyfriend- 10.
3. I looked at pictures of myself from last summer and started a roast. I immediately talked about how pudgy my face looked and pointed out other flaws. I completely missed reminiscing on how I had a REALLY good time that day tubing down the river and spending time with my boyfriend, his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend. I then remembered how I laughed so hard so many times that day my abs hurt (laughter workout for the win!) and how I didn’t spend that day worried about my body. Leave it up to me to give myself a hard time over a year old picture.

Even though I had some downfalls this week, I’ve put them behind me. A big part of not picking myself apart has to be letting go of my mistakes as well. I’ve lived them and learned from them- now onto the good stuff. Here are some things that went well this week:

1. I made a few purchases I wouldn’t dare have a year ago and I mixed and matched some old clothes from my closet with newer stuff so it’s like I got a few new outfits to show off my bod — yay! Favorite purchase: one of those cheap, sexy, basic-must-have, black, stretchy mini skirts
2. I ran three miles outside three times and it made me feel GREAT! I loved how my legs kept going even though they felt tired and my asthma didn’t hold me back. I thanked my body after each run. And yes, this is a big accomplishment for me. I’ve never been able to run long distances. I was a sprinter on track in high school, but I was also the girl that dreaded the gym class yearly mile run for fitness testing. Between my low endurance, terrible asthma, and laziness despite my athleticism I’ve always hated and avoided running. Hurray for my body not failing me on my runs!
3. I ATE ALL THE THINGS! Not actually, but I did everything I wanted and I realized I’m not a binge eater. Even having a pack of Peanut Butter M&Ms and giving in to a few other cravings didn’t make me feel like I ate a ton and was fat. I more or less ate like normal, but when I had treats/snacks it made me less hungry for dinner. Who knew eating more could make you eat less?

Although this week has had its ups and downs, this weekend is technically my birthday weekend and I’ve been a little worried about it. I want to be able to wear something cute, go out to dinner, and go out afterward without worrying about my body. Last year I did almost nothing for my birthday, large in part to my poor body image. I’ve decided I’m going to handle it by having a theme song (hey, why not?). This year, I’ll bring in 23 bumpin’ Chalie Boy’s “I Look Good”. It’s silly and cocky and will give me all the swag I need to not give a crap about my body on my birthday.

Are you taking this challenge with Ashley? Let us know how it’s going!

[Everyone’s got a vice, a bad habit, something they know they need to change. Unfortunately, everyone also has a million excuses why they just can’t do it. Not anymore. Every month

As everyone knows, college is the time that most of our bodies go through changes. Some of us develop our feminine curves because that puberty thing didn’t happen when they said it would (hooray for boobs and hips!), some of us gain the “freshman fifteen”,  and those special others get active and involved and get the best bods they’ve ever had. Of course there are those who remain more or less the same, but that wasn’t the case for me. I fell into all three categories — my hips widened, my boobs got bigger, I gained the sophomore sixteen, and I eventually got motivated to get to the gym and get in the best shape I’ve ever been in. Somehow I went through all of these changes and I still find myself hatin’ on my body. It recently dawned on me that all the negative comments I have to say about my body don’t reflect the way I really feel about it. I do love my body, now more than ever, I’ve just developed a really bad habit of putting myself down when it comes to my figure.

Now I’m not going to lie, I’m a fairly picky and particular person who more or less has something to say about everything (yeah, I’m that girl…but I swear I don’t ACTUALLY comment on everything), but this habit goes beyond that part of my personality. As unhealthy as it is, I put myself through some sort of mean-girl-high-school-hell  for absolutely no reason! I could blame this habit on “the media” or the socialization of girls but pointing the finger at society when I’m well aware of what I’ve been doing to myself won’t get me anywhere. I’m all for critically analyzing why we do the things we do and what influences us to be the way we are (GWS major here), but I’m more for personal responsibility. Now that I’ve noticed just how unhealthy and negative the comments I make about my body are, it is up to me to change them. I am determined to shake this awful habit!

By the end of this one month challenge, I hope to be able to wake up, get dressed, and go about my day without picking apart all of the parts of my body that aren’t my ideal shape or size. I’ll be able to appreciate being a fully able-bodied person who has worked hard to be healthy and fit. I’ll stop idealizing my long gone adolescent body and accept my current figure. I’ll stop saying that stupid, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” quote in my head and just be happy to just be alive (or at least spend my time worrying about more important things).

Today I took the time to jot down some of the things I have to say about myself and my body and I can tell I have a long way to go. Here are a few:

-[Put on an old t-shirt I haven’t worn in years, looked in the mirror] “My stomach only looks good in the morning when it’s really flat.”

- [Walking to check my mailbox at work, thinking to myself] “My thighs still rub each other a little when I walk, when will they not touch at all?”

-[Putting my hair up in a ponytail to wash my face, turned around to check out my back] “Not muscular enough.”

-[Post dinner] “I should never wear this dress out to eat, it makes my food baby look like a real baby’s in my belly.”

-[Post Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred workout] “I’m never gonna look like those girls in that damn video!”

Here’s to trying (and I mean REALLY trying). I WILL nip this in the bud! Who’s with me?

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have been in a long distance (400 miles) relationship for almost 3 years, as you can imagine, everthing started off all pretty and perfect but a lot has changed over these years.

My boyfriend is the ‘Mummy’s boy’ type – the type that will start an argument if he doesn’t get his own way. It all started in Fall 2009 – things hadn’t been great between us, he broke up with me when I was on an important placement, then a week later started a relationship with a girl from his school (I had always suspected he was starting to like her.)

I tried to cut him out of my life – delete number, email, Facebook, blah blah blah. But he kept contacting me saying that he still loved me and regretted breaking up with me. In November 2009 we got back together, and everything was blissful again… or so I thought. He had told me that he regretted breaking up with me/didn’t know why he done it and that it was a rebound. The girl he broke up with me for told me that my boyfriend was sneaky and a liar (at first I didn’t believe it, but now I am starting to wonder whether she was right.)

Last year I was snooping on his Facebook (as you do when he leaves it signed on at yours… I know I shouldn’t but…) and I saw that he had sent a message to a girl that he always complained to me was a slag. Although the message was just a friendly ‘hey how are you’ type thing, my mouth still dropped. I asked him about the message and he said she had messaged him a few week’s ago and he had only just replied…. So I then asked the girl and she said that wasn’t true.

Anyway, I forgave and forgot, Lauren Conrad style and we moved on. A couple of month’s down the line I receive an email from a girl at his school telling me that my boyfriend had just admitted sending sexual texts to another girl a couple of months into the beginning of our relationship in 2008. When I confronted him about it he said he was ‘lonely’ and that he hadn’t done it again.

Finally. Last night I got an email from an online dating site, asking me to join as my boyfriend had just signed up. WTF. I went onto his profile and he had listed himself as ‘single’ and looking for a private relationship. I asked him about it and he said to me that he just done it cause he was bored and thought it would be funny to see what type of people used it… he also  said I was over-reacting when I said I was angry.

All of my friends tell me I should break up with him (and I know I should) but it is like he is a magnet and I just cant bring myself away from him. Please, please help me. What do you think I should do in this situation?
I am just fed up of him thinking he can not respect me or our relationship. I would be so grateful for advice.

X,
B.I.T.C.H – Babe In Total Control of Herself (Almost.)

Dear Babe,

He is making a fool out of you.

I mean, how many times do you have to catch the guy before you get it through your thick skull that you are allowing him to cheat on you?!

He obviously has no respect for you. He’s more than happy to talk to multiple girls, and probably even hook up, secure in the knowledge that you’ll just forgive him. Because he thinks you’re stupid. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but this is the truth. He think you’re stupid.

He does not love you. He does not care about you. He is playing you and you’re letting him.

You don’t have to put up with this, Babe. I know he’s a “magnet” or whatever other thing you’ve convinced yourself of, but, aside from actual abuse, this is about as bad as it gets. You have no reason to stay with him. He isn’t treating you well. He’s playing the shoop out of you. And you’re clearly not happy.

The subject header of your email was “Why do I stay with him?” Well, honestly, Babe, I don’t know. Without actually knowing you, I’d guess low self-esteem. And this is perhaps the saddest part of this whole flooping letter. There are plenty of men (and women) out there who will treat you like shoop if you let them. But the question is, WHY LET THEM? Why are you letting him?? You’re asking me, but I think this is really something you’re going to have to work out for yourself. Otherwise you’re doomed to repeat the pattern.

Let me tell you a story from Aunt Tuffy’s life. Aunt Tuffy knows someone, a much much older someone, who has been “dating” a man for 10 years. This man never lets her come back to his place. She has not been introduced to his family. Sometimes he doesn’t call her for a few months, and then sometimes he calls every day telling her how much he loves her. She has been waiting around for this man for a decade, rejected other men who have wanted to date her, because she is convinced that this man is the love of her life, even though all signs tell her that not only is she not the love of his but that he is probably married. This man is also “just bored,” and, in the meantime, she has completely allowed him to dominate her thoughts and ruin her life.

Don’t let this be you, Babe. Break up with this guy and, even more importantly, get into therapy. Or, if not therapy, keep a journal, or start writing things down every single time you feel unworthy. Because this is not a lifestyle you want to maintain.

And please, please. Do this before you get into the exact same kind of relationship with the next guy.

Notice I’m calling you “Babe,” and not your chosen “B.I.T.C.H.” You’ve got to start thinking more of yourself. This is going to get you into trouble. You are a woman and you are going to act like one. Break up with this guy who treats you like a B.I.T.C.H. and, after you work on yourself a little, go find someone who will treat you like a Babe.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Sex can breed a lot of things – familiarity, contempt, intimacy, orgasms, babies, hysterically awful stories to tell your friends… but the association with sex I want to address this week is insecurity. That crippling insecurity that a fellow CC writer detailed struck a nerve with me, and I’m sure many of you as well. I completely relate to those crippling fears that totally take me out of the moment. I’ve seriously stopped guys from taking off my skirt because, oh my god, it’s been over a month since my last wax (yes, my insecurity over a little hair outweighed my love of oral). I’ve almost had meltdowns while giving head because I was so worried about my technique.

Eventually, I realized I had to rectify this situation. Sexy time doesn’t have to leave you drowning in self-doubt. There are a few little things you can do to increase your confidence and feel great and sexy.

Find a mantra that sexually empowers you.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It can be something as simple as “I am sexy,” but whatever it is should inspire you. Repeat it to yourself a billion times a day if you have to. Its important to give yourself positive affirmations to counteract all the negative messages we give ourselves or receive from the outside that chip away our self-esteem.

Stop comparing yourself to other people.
There was a time when I couldn’t get in bed with a guy without wondering what his previous partners were like. Was she more aggressive? Was she quieter and daintier? Was she able to give head for hours? Were her boobs bigger? Was her stomach flatter? It was miserable and completely fruitless. You are the person your partner is choosing to be with right now. Not this fictional porn star goddess you’re obsessing over.

Engage your insecurities in battle.
You’re not comfortable at your current weight? Take steps to live a healthier lifestyle. You don’t think you’re pretty? Spend at least 2 minutes a day complimenting the features you do like. It sounds cheeseball, but it totally works. You don’t like the “flaws” you think your body has? When you have the opportunity, get naked and dance. Put on your favorite Britney song and shake it. It might feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, but learn to love your body for what it is and what it isn’t. A little jiggle never hurt anyone, your cellulite does not diminish your beauty, and at the end of the day, you are going to be in your body for a very long time. Enjoy it!

Make every hookup a learning experience.
If you’re feeling inadequate about your sexual prowess, get a little feedback from your partner. It’s okay to ask, once, if they like what you’re doing. Your partner will appreciate your selflessness and you’ll either score an awesome compliment or a piece of constructive criticism (emphasis on constructive. If your partner is rude, don’t take it personally. They’re gauche and classless.)

Relax. 
At the end of the day, it’s sex. It’s not rocket science, it’s not neurosurgery, it is not anything remotely life or death. Generally, people go into it just wanting to have a good time and/or get off. Most people don’t expect unattainable perfection from their partners – they just want a mutually pleasurable experience. Generally, no one is ever as critical of us as we are of ourselves.

You encounter a lot of enemies in your lifetime – backstabbers, draconian bosses,  clumpy mascara, people who don’t know how to walk through a bar without spilling half their drink on your favorite pair of pumps – there’s no reason to add yourself to that list.

Question? Answer: TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and I love him. That is something that must be understood first and foremost.

However, over the past couple of months I keep thinking about breaking up with him. He is immature, selfish, and inconsiderate. He has never bought me anything for my birthday, Valentines Day, Christmas, Sweetest Day, or our anniversary. I buy him presents every time I’m supposed to, and when I’m out shopping and see something I know he would like, I get it. I always keep him in mind and do nice things for him but he NEVER does anything for me. I understand that he doesn’t have a lot of money, but whenever he does have extra money he won’t even buy me a flower or a card or ANYTHING! I’m always expected to pay for when we go out to eat or to the movies.

I don’t complain since I know he doesn’t have a job, neither do I but I always find a way to get him SOMETHING. I’m not the type of girl who needs to be showered with presents but it would be nice if he would do something for me when he’s able. For my birthday he worked with a friend and got a little bit of money he told me was for my birthday. He expected me to kiss his a** and be so proud of him, and I was because I thought it was sweet. But when he got paid he bought himself new movies, and even had me drive him to buy them. He told me he’d still get me something, and never did.

We always watch what he wants, granted most of the time I enjoy it because we have the same taste in movies for the most part, but it takes days, sometimes more, to get him to watch what I want, even though he usually ends up enjoying the movie anyway. He always wants to pick the music in MY car, but when I want to pick it he throws a fit and trashes whatever it is I’m listening to until I give in. When we’re out I catch him checking out other girls and when I confront him he doesn’t understand why I’m upset and thinks I’m just being jealous. I don’t mind if he looks at another girl but the fact that he goes out of his way to see if every random girl walking down the street, at the grocery store, or whereever we are is hot, not only irritates me but hurts me. He says he’s just looking, not cheating on me, so I shouldn’t be mad because “he didn’t do anything.”

I know he loves me and wouldn’t cheat on me (which is hard to find these days), and most of the time I’m so happy with him. But sometimes he just pisses me off to the point where I don’t want to be with him anymore. I don’t know what to do because I want to be with him but I also want more. I’m scared of losing him because there’s no one else and he’s the only guy I’ve been with. What if I break up with him and end up regretting it?

So I guess my question is how do you know when it’s time to say goodbye? Should I give him another chance? I’m not ready to say goodbye to him but I’m tired of being hurt and angry. What would you do?

Goodbye Girl

Dear Goodbye Girl,

Um. Now’s a good time.

What a total ashhole. This guy is so undeserving of your time I can’t even believe it.

It’s not about the money, ladies and gentlemen. It’s about the bratty behavior, and the selfishness, and the total disregard for Goodbye Girl’s feelings.

Goodbye Girl, what the floop are you thinking? I’m sorry, and I hate to be the one to break the bad news, but this guy doesn’t care about you. And that has nothing to do with you; he’s a self-absorbed prock with absolutely no idea HOW to care about someone besides himself. Why do you wanna be with someone like that, huh?

Well, one reason you give is that it’s hard to find someone who won’t cheat on you. Bootch, please!!! There are MANY, MANY men who won’t cheat on you. You wanna stay with a jerk because he hasn’t cheated on you yet and you magically know he won’t, even though he’s checking out girls left and right?! If you ask me, this guy seems like a prime candidate for Future Cheater. He’s already looking at every girl he sees, blatantly and in front of you. AND he’s giving you the old “you should be grateful I’m just looking” business, which is bullshoop. Why again are you so sure he won’t cheat?

And, um, he doesn’t have to BUY you something to give you a gift. He could, you know, MAKE you something, or TAKE you somewhere. Why are you always paying?! This is supposed to be a partnership, 50/50. It seems like you give him everything and he gives you nothing. He gets what he wants, when he wants it, and if he doesn’t, he makes your life miserable till you give in. You are slave to his every whim. VOM-O-RAMA. It’s so 1950s sitcom housewife I could puke.

I want to take this guy outside and poo on him in the street. Please break up with this idiot.

And, seriously, girl, get yourself some self respect. Why are you letting some guy treat you like you’re worthless?! Before you jump into the next relationship, you really better do some soul searching and remind yourself that you’re a person who deserves the same respect and treatment everyone else deserves. Stop kowtowing to some guy. It’s really gross.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

I love my boobs. Seriously.  They are fabulous and I wouldn’t do anything in this world to replace them with anything else.  I’m happy to have them by my side whenever I‘m laying down need a handful of jiggly happiness to cry on.  I believe they are superb. I don’t want this post to seem like a giant complain-fest.  It’s simply the honest truth about having big boobs.

Because mine are ginormous.

I’m being honest.  You could probably see them from where you’re sitting right now.  I can barely fit half of one in my hand when I grab on to them (yes, I’ve tried) and when I look down, I can’t see my feet.  For a large handful (pun intended) of my life, they have been large.  When I was in seventh grade, all of the kids in choir made fun of me because I refused to wear a bra until my mother tackled me down and force-fed me a training bra (I thought it was uncomfortable).  Kids in my high school nicknamed me BLT.  And it had nothing to do with my devotion to bacon, lettuce, and tomato. The acronym was for ‘Big-Lucious-Tits.”

For a long time, I believed that there was nothing positive about having big tatas.  Firstly, you can never wear skimpy clothing without looking like a slut (or risking a nipple slip).  Second, I understand men love boobs but during insecure moments I wondered if they just wanted to talk to me because they were so obnoxiously huge. And third, I was convinced come 40, I would have to tuck them in my socks or tie them over my head.

Having 34 DD’s comes with major restrictions, but I’ve learned to embrace my lovely jugs. Although I can never wear really cute, skimpy swimsuits and racy tops (out of fear I’ll immediately come off as a slut and experience generous side/under boob) I’ve found a subtly sexy way to dress myself… and my two big friends.  I’ve come to discover my own set of sexy big-boobied bras as well as the wonderful ones that minimize my lady friends.  People I just meet never know my boobs are the size of a human head until I tell them.  I’ve come to like it that way.

Oftentimes, guys don’t know what to do with them.  Sometimes, they end up grabbing them so hard mid-makeout sesh, I have bruises all over them the next day.  And when I’m working out, I don’t know what to do with them. It hurts when I go running because they are busy pummeling my chest and nearly smacking me upside the head.  To prevent it, I’ve been forced to wear (on average) three sports bras when I work out. [Editors Note: On the opposite end of the spectrum I use a little scotch tape and I'm ready for a marathon.]

Come the end of college (and when Mama’s insurance was running out), I debated getting a breast reduction.  They had yet to physically hurt me – I think my North Face backpack and Geology books beat them to that point – but one of my girlfriends had recently underwent breast reduction surgery and she did not regret it.  I saw her happy (almost to the point of being light on her feet – seriously, was she actually floating?) and I envied her.  Her boobs were the perfect size while I was busy shoving my nipples back into my bra.

But after a long, hard, topless look in the mirror, I decided against it. (Note: I also decided it was time to be more cognizant of locking my bedroom door, but that’s a whole other story.)

After struggling with accepting myself as a curvy, big-boobed lady in high school and learning how to express myself as a curvy, luscious woman in college, I realized that I actually love my boobs. Every single pound of them. As many difficulties and slight insecurities they have brought me over the years, they are a part of who I’ve become and, multiple sports bras or not, I wouldn’t have my body any other way.

Love your boobs or hate ‘em, make sure you take care of them!