Are y’all hooked on Netflix? Because I sure am. And I’ve been watching Gossip Girl for the past three weeks. I finally finished season 4 and am dying to start on season 5 when I can. Anyway, I’ve been total inspired by all of the fabulous hair on the show. I think this might become a CC Beauty Live theme. Everything from Blair’s loose curls to Serena’s ridiculously awesome braids had my little beauty obsessed mind ticking. But I fell absolutely in love with Serena’s messy, teased ponytails and figured it’s super easy and quick to do. Plus, it keeps your hair out of your face and is perfect for dirty hair days.

Below I’ll show you how to get a quick and dirty ponytail Serena van der Woodsen style…

On my face: Painted Earth Pore Perfecting Primer, MAC Studiofix powder, NARS Multiple in Orgasm, Revlon ColorStay Liquid Eye Pen, Urban Decay Naked palette in Buck and Sidecar, Maybelline One on One Mascara, BITE Granache lipstick

On my nails: OPI Atomic Orange and Only Gold For Me

In my hair: Victoria’s Secret So Sexy De-Tangler, Hana Shine Shield, Amika Oil Treatment, Big Sexy Hair Spray and Play Harder

Got something you want me to cover? Post it in the comments below. And don’t forget to follow us on YouTube and check out my other videos right here! And for more beauty related tips, check out my website and follow me on Twitter!

Like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming in less than two weeks. Whether you’re dressing up for date night with your beau, gearing up for a night of dancing with your single ladies, or joining Ben & Jerry for a night with Blair and Serena, it’s the perfect excuse to buy something pretty. If you’re hoping to channel the color of love for your date, or the Chinese color for luck (because it is still Chinese New Year) you can don an attention-grabbing red item for the night. From an LRD to an eye-catching red pump, you’re sure to assert confidence when wearing cupid’s favorite color.

Not feeling the red?

Then how about channeling the other part (AKA my favorite part) of Valentine’s Day: chocolate! Red is not for everyone but wearing black on Single Awareness Day is cliche, making brown the perfect choice. It’s both festive and flattering, and if you find the right item it can be just as eye-catching as it’s in-your-face friend, red.

Close your legs, woman!

Let me get this straight. Juliet has been terrorizing the Upper East Side in her outlet mall dresses for months because Lily WhateverHerLastNameIs wanted Serena to get into a good high school? SERIOUSLY?

For a minute there I thought the whole Juliet saga was merely a way to provide more opportunities for Bing and RentTheRunway product placements, but that’s just silly! High school…now it’s all making so much more sense.

And to think, I used to get mad at my mom for making me clean my room before the cleaning ladies came over. (But really, why should I have to clean my room if we’re paying someone to do it?!) Lily definitely outdid her. Sending someone to jail so her daughter could have a good high school education and go on to do great things? Obviously that’s some good mothering. If only that plan didn’t totally backfire, right Lil? First Serena opts out of college for a year to do PR, then she sleeps with a married man who happens to be her ex-boyfriend’s cousin, and then she ends up in The Ostroff Center (where they might as well have a van der Woodsen special) in a necklace that could easily double as a weapon.

Brava, Lily! You really care about your children! They should honor you with the “Worse Than Dina Lohan” award!

I think the most disturbing thing about all of this is not that the relationship between Serena and Ben was totally cliche and rather uncomfortable (flirting, getting caught in the rain, “You’re not gonna quote your way out of this one,” batting eyelashes) or that Damien – a too cool for school drug dealer – used to be a total loser, but that Lily has no remorse. The woman falsely accused a man of statutory rape and put him in jail and she still insists she did the right thing and pleads with her family to see it that way.

I used to like Lily. Sure, she wasn’t the best wife, having cheated on Bart Bass the night he died and all, but she always seemed to be the most grounded mother on the show. And she’s also always had impeccable taste in accessories. Love or hate her, the bitch knows her diamonds. But how can you stand by a woman – ridonkulous earrings or not -  who is so clearly delusional that she’d lie to a judge and cross Chuck Bass?

Hello, Ostroff Center? I’ve got another one for ya!

Does she understand what that boy is capable of? What he does to people who wrong him? What his beautiful little face looks like when he’s sad? Is she suffering a stroke or DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE NO HEART?! She does NOT deserve Rufus’s waffles. Not even the leftover ones that inevitably exist every time he makes them and no one eats them. You hear that, Lily? YOU HEAR THAT?!

Look, I’m all about doing what is right for your family but I tend to draw the line at perjuring myself and incarcerating an innocent and pretty adorable man. (Not that it’s ever come down to that. Although I did once throw a pencil at a girl who was being mean to my brother….)  The problem here is that even after discovering that nothing ever did happen between Serena and Ben and getting Rufus’s famous look of disappointment (and general dishevelment), Lily still thinks she did no wrong.

I can’t believe I waited 3 months for this sh*t.

Of course, Lily’s transgressions and terrible decision making skills aren’t the biggest issue facing us Gossip Girl viewers. And no I’m not talking about the lack of new episodes in the pipeline or the fact that Blair had very few memorable quotes last night. I’m talking about the storylines. Are we going to have to endure more Damien now that he’s back in the picture? And are Juliet and her Bump-Its going to be sticking around now that Serena has been vindicated? And what about Serena and Ben?

For the love of god, please don’t tell me they are going to start having conjugal visits. Please.

Until next time…whenever that is.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

"I came as fast as I could...in my hooker boots!"

Alright GG minions, fill in the blank:

“Gossip Girl was depressing this week because ____.”

If you can’t think of anything at the top of your head, I’ve got it.  Gossip Girl was depressing this week because 80% of the episode took place in a hospital, 10% in rehab, and the final 10% in jail.  And all along I thought Thanksgiving was only about pies and tradition (and awkwardly avoiding drunk Uncle Steve), but what do I know?

Despite my previous attempt (and some damn good ideas, if I do say so myself), Gossip Girl producers did not hear my ‘let’s change Gossip Girl once and for all’ desperate call.  I had hope for them, I really did.  And now I’m left binge eating an entire bowl of popcorn and sitting in my family room more frustrated than I was when I sat down last week to get some GG and discovered there was no episode. Talk about a waste of perfectly good cookie dough…. Anyways, this was the most depressing, non-satisfying episode EVER.  I didn’t even get a chance to marvel at Serena’s amazing attire because she was wearing a green knit robe the entire episode. And with that hair she looked like a character out of ‘Where the Wild Things Are.’  While Lily is done being punished by Serena’s antics, I’m just about DONE wasting an hour of my Monday, only to find out Juliet lounges around her dirty loft in a mini-dress with a hole in the back and the dude playing her “brother” Ben is a terrible actor.

However,  I would like to take a moment to thank the Upper East Side heavens Dan is thriving in Movember.  Dude was smokin’ last night. His jaw bone was the only thing that kept me captive on my couch for the entire episode.

Since it was one of those typical disastrous Thanksgiving episodes Gossip Girl is infamous for, and the classic “family-time” one-liners were flying, I decided it would be only proper to take the time to reminisce and appreciate some of the more memorable and awesome quotes from last night’s episode.  That’s what the day after Thanksgiving is for after all, am I right? Talking smack about your relatives….

What?
Just my family?

Oh. Well, let’s do this anyway.

“If Bruce and Demi can do it, run-ins can’t be that difficult” -Blair
Word, sista. You do always have the best lines of the show. But, that being said, I would much rather you two have your lips run in to one another in Chuck’s limo.  I was so sad about the lack of Chuck/Blair love that I allowed myself to eat another slice of pumpkin pie. (Which means I polished off the damn thing.) So much for that two-hour wedding special (or Victoria’s Secret bikini bod) I’ve been waiting for…

“I’ve baked you an apple pie with a file inside. Happy Thanksgiving brother.” -Juliet
WTF, Juliet? She is one crazy lady. Like she could bake in that tiny studio of hers! I am dying for Blair to sink her claws into her.  I don’t even have words for this woman.  Serena is in rehab, Vanessa is roaming the streets with no family, Dan is making out with his step-sister again, Nate is doing the Dr.Phil with his parents; what has she done to the Upper East side!?  She made Lily cry!  Just leave already, biatch. And take your outlet mall dresses with you!

“Serena is a troubled young woman Dan, not just the pretty girl at the party.” -Lily
“And she’s your step-sister.” How does no one ever mention that? But anyways, shut up Lily. Dan isn’t listening. Serena’s stepbrother obviously knows her kissing style best.  He always has, he always will.

“How many times do I have to go Courtney Love on your ass?” -Blair
Can Blair just be my BFF already?  This girl is unstoppable and amazing.  I’m going to be sad when Little J goes back to her mama’s by herself because she brings out the feisty side in Blair I love.  By the way, every scene where Jenny had to walk past a group of people, I went into a fit of laughter.  She looks like an angry, gothic little gremlin hooker wherever she goes. I can never be 100% sure, but that’s not a new trend from NY Fashion Week, right?

“I’m a firm believer people should pay for what they’ve done.” -Juliet
Ugh! Enough already, you rat.

“What do you say we do ourselves some frontier justice and find that b*tch.” -Blair
Yes!  This quote was my ultimate favorite of the entire night.  Maybe Chuck can’t be Blair’s friend right now, but I sure would love to be!  When push comes to shove, you’re going to want Blair on your side.  Meow.  I can’t wait until the next episode so Blair can pull Juliet’s hair just like Snookie and the Jersey Shore dump.  It could go down in a jail cell, or a gala…whatever.

“Did you know at one time, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday?” -Lily
It’s too bad Lily and Rufus have two daughters they can’t control. Maybe if they could they wouldn’t be eating take-out french fries (in a rehab facility) every year. Which reminds me…I wonder what LiLo did for Thanksgiving….

I hoped you learned a lesson this week, Gossip Girl fan club.  Remember, as long as the check arrives every month, the past stays the past. Man, I’m glad Lily is not my mother.

XOXO
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

But we finally reached the climax and despite my expectations that it just wouldn’t happen (and I’d have to channel my inner Meg Ryan a la ‘When Harry Met Sally’), we had a toe curling, fireworks extravaganza last night that left me jonesing for a cigarette. (Not that I smoke, but it just seemed appropriate after that hot, hot Blair/Chuck sexy sesh. DAYUMMM.)

I knew Serena was going down, but whew, girl didn’t even get a chance to go down with a fight!  Like they say on the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless.

Since we are on the precipice of one of my favorite holidays of the year (Thanksgiving!), I thought it would only be appropriate to create the perfect recipe for every Gossip Girl episode.  Even though this particular Monday evening run had a few more twists, turns and ingriedents than normal, I feel like I’ve seen all of this before.  So here we go, let’s cook up some GG casserole, shall we?

A Spoonful of Lily Trying to Fix Serena’s Reputation By Writing a Check
Poor Serena, the scheming efforts of Team Brooklyn have led S’s flesh and blood mother to assume the worst. And weird, Lily is stuck writing another check to buy Serena a mended reputation. Well, pshh, that’s never happened before.

Two Teaspoons of Blair Trying to be an Empowering Women
Since Mr. Chuck isn’t a blurter and meant what he said when he let intense sexual pleasures dull his senses thus voicing the three one-syllable words, Blair and Chuck announce they are back together. Well, they’re forced to announce it when Serena’s Doppelganger exposes them, but whatev. It happened. Unfortunately for Chuck (and every single viewer who has only hung on this season because of those two) it didn’t last long. Blair wants to be her own woman. You know, like Hillary Clinton, but with better hair. “I have to be Blair Waldorf before I’m Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.” Awww.

Can you guys still have brainstorming sessions while in bed, please?  That is a beautiful relationship.  Nothing’s wrong with a lobster pot pie between friends! And since when was there an episode without it?

Crack an Egg and Mix it With in Someone’s Jealousy Problem with Serena
I don’t care what it is, someone is always jealous of S.  In this case, it’s me (I just want her freaking wardrobe, OK?), Juliet and the two Brooklyn b*tches. These girls want everyone against Serena so she can finally feel like an outsider like them.  So go ahead, Juliet – steal Serena’s Sim Card and continue to spend your days trying to ruin her life and pull her out of Columbia.  We get it, you weren’t born (in 1965) with a silver spoon in your mouth. But just know, you aren’t the first person to try to do this and you definitely won’t be the last. With that hair, that beauty, that body, and all that money, there’s always someone trying to steal Serena’s thunder. Wouldn’t be a tasty GG pie without it.

Sprinkle in Some Man Competition Between Lonely Boy and Golden Boy
These dudes have been competing for S since day one. Blah blah blah but they’re still friends blah blah blah. Blah blah blah let the best man win blah blah blah.  Nate wins. Blah blah blah. Dan wins. This is the ongoing love triangle and without it, what would Gossip Girl do with all her live video?? (The bigger question is, how does no one notice when someone is shooting live video of them?)

Let Ingredients Set for Three Hours and Go Shopping
Because Ducks and Dorota don’t compare to the Zen of shopping, right S?  When isn’t someone buying a new couture dress on Gossip Girl?

Add One Cup of Nate Saying Someone Thick
Like, “That doesn’t mean I love you, that means I love having sex with you.”

Mix All Current Ingredients With a Party in a Hotel
It wouldn’t be the perfect Gossip Girl without mixing together all of our lovely ingredients with a creative party at an expensive hotel.  Seriously, this is where the good shiz goes down.  Like figuring out what Little J looks like without all that eyeliner, who’s a saint or a sinner, a liar or a loyal friend, a good kisser or a bad kisser.  Hey J, don’t accidently kiss Lonely Boy!  No joke, I was nervous for a moment there and after the season we’ve had, I was pretty sure the GG writing team was going to let that happen.

Let Bake
Cook that freaky dish until it comes out with Serena’s life ruined, the entire Upper East Side against her, Nate and Dan besties with testies, Vanessa showing zero initiative, and Lily continuing to slam Rufus’ cooking.

Pleasant dreams sweet angels.

Until next time (in 2 [!!] weeks),
XOXO
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

I want to be that robe. Or that cookie. Or that duvet.

Like most people, after seeing the commercials for Gossip Girl promising loads of Blair and Chuck hate sex, I was beyond excited. While I usually DVR the episode and watch it later in the evening to avoid those pesky commercial breaks, I couldn’t stand to wait another minute so I <gasp> watched it live (with many of you!).

….and I was more disappointed than that time I hooked up with my high school crush and he kept saying “baseball, baseball, baseball” for the duration of the (3 minute) dalliance.

I don’t know what those Gossip Girl writers are smoking over there at CW HQ but it must be laced with something bad because this show has turned into the worst piece of crap in TV history. Seriously, I think I’d rather watch a Hoarders marathon than this dribble. This episode just makes me so angry. When it finally ended and I finished picking popcorn kernels out of my teeth, I hated everyone. Everyone! (Especially Orville Redenbacher.)

Rufus:
There are starving children in Africa. Must you waste so many waffles when it’s just you and Dan eating breakfast?

Serena:
I’m pretty sure the song “Quit Playing Games With My Heart” was written with Serena van der Woodsen in mind. I mean, the girl manages to string along every single guy on the Upper East Side. I know, she’s freaking gorgeous and can make anything, even a dress that is missing the front part of the skirt, look good, but what is it about her that has guys quitting their jobs or hopping in cabs from Brooklyn to kiss their step-sibling?!

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, Serena. I’m getting really sick of you juggling all these incredibly good looking men. And if you really love Dan, then having Nate show up on the sidewalk shouldn’t change that. Grrrr.

Nate:
Could there be anyone on this planet who is more gullible and dense than Nathanial Archibald? It’s infuriating. How many times does Cougar Juliet have to get caught in a lie before you finally kick that biznatch to the curb, Nate? Like the wise President Bush once said: “Fool me once shame on….you. You fool me you can’t get fooled again.” Or something like that.

Juliet:
I resent the fact that shopping at outlet malls and having Ikea furniture in your 5th floor walk-up is something to be ashamed of [says the girl sitting at an Ikea desk on an Ikea chair wearing sweats from the Old Navy outlet]. Also, stop letting other people control you and learn to stand on your own two feet, woman. Oh, and please explain to me how you can just constantly call your brother in jail. Aren’t there rules against that?

Vanessa:
What did Jessica Szohr do to the writers that made them hate her so much to give her the worst character of all time? I used to like V back in the day when she was a little Brooklyn hipstery thing trying to save the world. But much like her most recent hair-do, revenge and scheming do not look good on her. Especially when it’s for such a dumb reason. “I’ve been losing to Serena for 3 years, watching her get away with everything and anything and I’m over it.” Is she really so pathetic that she’ll go to such great lengths, sneak into the ballet and totally isolate herself from the 5 people she knows in NYC just to get Serena back for being so damn perfect? I get it, I hate Serena too, but this little inferiority complex is embarrassing and if she doesn’t get it in line soon, I fear we’ll have a little drug addiction on our hands soon.

…but then maybe she’ll go to rehab?

Dan:
Serena is your step-sister. If that’s not enough to get you to wake up and smell the girl who is going to break your heart again, well, godspeed. (P.S. Telling her a man should quit his job to be with her? What world do you live in?)

Chuck and Blair:
OK, so I can’t hate these two, no matter how hard I try. All that hate/love sex. All those pastries in the bathtub. That purple velvet robe. It’s these two (and possibly Dorota) that are going to make me come back and watch more sh*t go down next week.

Get them back together or I’m out, GG. There are plenty other crappy shows, like Real World/Road Rules 47,  I can watch on Monday nights.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

"I am being an evil biznatch because I still love you and am too proud to admit it."

I was way excited to dig into this week’s Gossip Girl.  Did Juliet finally get Botox and a new wardrobe so she could at least appear five years younger?  Is that french fairy, Eva, going to touch Chuck with her magic wand?  Is Dan going to get the sensation of baby poop out of his nostrils?  How can Eva tell time through all that Cartier sparkly?  Will Serena die refreshing the pages of Gossip Girl?

We have all the answers right here, in your favorite GG recap.

Along with the juicy deets, I thought I would shake things up a little bit (rawr, I’m scandolous.)  Today, in the fashion of Joan Rivers after every. single. award show, I’m breaking down last night’s episode to Bests and Worsts. Because any fan of Gossip Girl knows that as soon as something starts looking great for someone on the UES (or, these days, UWS), it’s not long before it takes a turn for the way, way worse.  Charles Dickens said it himself, people: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”

Best/Worst Transformation: Chuck Bass
Because Eva truly fell in love with Chuck when he was Henry, Chuck is a brand new man.  How could he not want to be one, when he’s dating someone who looks as fragile as a 12-year-old?  I don’t know anything else (besides actually being a father) that would inspire someone want to be a better person quite like this. But it doesn’t last long. (Editor’s Note: Ugh, in my eyes, good Chuck lasted an entire episode too long.) Blair’s EVIL scheming eventually leads Chuck to a non-exsistant Eva Foundation with 5 million dollars to spend on stray puppies or something, which outrages Chuck and returns him to his old, vengeful self.

Operation transformation: aborted.
(However, yay for evil Chuck! Missed you, lover.)

Best/Worst Revelation: Eva
Anndddd surprise! Eva has a prostitute past!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming; even Blair had no idea! And this shiz is legit; she’s even on a webpage… with a price list! And she didn’t even cringe when a homeless guy licked her arm, which makes it even more legit. Chuck didn’t seem to mind (lord knows it wasn’t the first hooker he’d hooked), but it did eventually lead to some trust issues, a big blowout at Chuck’s gala and a swift exit.  Bon voyage, Mademoiselle!

Best/Worst Schemer: Blair ‘We need to take that tart down’ Waldorf
Blair gets right down to Blairwaldorfing business in attempts to ruin Chuck and Eva’s surprisingly perfect relationship and, so she says, save Chuck.  Blair even admits to Eva, “You should have known him [Chuck] before he was shot, he sold me for a hotel.” Low blow, woman. Low blow.

Eventually, it begins to work, when Blair finds out about Eva’s prosty past and claims Ms. Perfect truly did know who Chuck Bass was when Blair found his passport in her suitcase.  However, Blair’s plan backfires when Chuck finds out Eva didn’t have the passport and ‘B’ really does stand for betrayal.  Then – like that – Chuck’s fairy has left the country and old Chuck, bad Chuck, new Chuck, good Chuck, bad Chuck. Get all that?

Looks like Blair’s scheming abilities have led to a good ol’ fashioned Blair/Chuck WWII. (And I can’t contain my excitement….)

Best/Worst Dressed: Serena
Serena’s red dress at the Gala? Win. That weird little side braid thing? Well, I get why she ended up alone with Blair crying into her lap that night.

Best/Worst Compulsive Liar: Juliet
Alright, this biotch is just plain sketch.  And Nate isn’t helping our case; he will believe anything she says (like the fact that she’s in college….). Nate, I know you have a lot of skeletons in your Archibald closets (and lots of big closets), but can you get a clue already!? Thank god we’re not all as dense and dumb as Nate Archibald (seriously, how did he get into Columbia??). That Juliet doesn’t fool me!  I know her little secrets: She’s really forty, her “brother” Ben is her secret lover and she has the freakiest vendetta against Serena van der Woodsen I’ve ever seen. This is the makings for a Law and Order ep. Maybe even SVU.

Best/Worst Detective: Dan
First, can I just say that Dan’s military haircut ain’t lookin supa fly.  Sorry dude – I liked your look better when you were changing Milo’s diapers. Anyway, since Dan’s mad browsing skills led him to Googling ‘brothal’ and revealing Eva’s prostituting days, he was a momentarily hero (in Blair’s eyes).  But Dan is not his best personal detective.  He nearly ruined his relationship with Vanessa in attempts to mend things with Serena.  Thank God V has nowhere else to live….otherwise, you woulda lost her, too, brah.

Best/Worst Leave of Absense: Little J
Actually, just best. There is nothing (worse) about Jenny Humphrey keeping her straggly little legs and angry eyeliner out of the Upper East Side and my HD CW Network.

Best/Worst Upgrade: Gossip Girl Live Feed
Gossip Girl has taken a fierce dive into the 21st Century! They are finally using a live (video!) mini-feed on the website!  Kudos GG, I was getting tired of those (extremely teeny) cellphone pictures on your site.  However, the new livefeed is keeping everyone too occupied. Nate, Serena and Blair can’t seem to drop it. I smell cellphone sex tapes in the future….

Until next time,

XOXO,
GGRG (Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

"What do you mean, 'I look like Wilma Flinstone??'"

First of all, who else wants to squint and lip sync “XOXO GOSSIP GIRL” whenever the episode comes to an end?  I know I do, every single time.  Anyway, down to business.  Clearly whoever pitched this inning of GG had a seriously mean side arm.  Between Serena and Dorota’s camera skills, I could barely keep up!

The episode started off stressful enough because Gossip Girl was down (we don’t dig the silent treatment, GG!).  Meanwhile Serena and Blair play besties, milling around Columbia’s rainy campus – Serena way overdressed and Blair way over leoparded – and waltzing into The Hamilton House for a key.  Lucky for Serena, Juliet (her favorite conniving 27-year-old-trying-to-look-like-she’s-19 biznatch) is the key master. She gave Serena one of those “I-just-pooped-sideways” looks and said, “This is why I hate it when best friends come together…” and gives Blair “the only key left.” Oopsie, poopsie.

Later, while B is holding court at the Hamilton House, Juliet milks whatever plan she’s got cookin’ and makes Blair cancel plans with Serena.  This, of course gives Serena the go-ahead to put on her Gucci detective cap.   Thanks to GG’s technological advancements and ability to now stream video, she discovers Blair is lying about her “bubble bath” and really opted to hang out with Juliet.  Come on Serena, didn’t you know Blair hates to disrespect tradition!?  Oh also, (a guilty moment of enjoyment) Serena gets rejected by both Dan and Nate. Don’t worry Serena, you can cry if you want to.

Meanwhile, Rufus breaks it to Dan that “genetics don’t lie, son” and Dan wonders why Georgina isn’t back from her long weekend yet.  Well Dan, I think it has something to do with the mystery love child shackin’ up at your place.  Whatever, Vanessa goes beyond girlfriend duty to help take care of the baby for Dan.

Wait, did I switch over to an episode of Maury?
Oh wait – I see Louboutins. Still watching GG. Moving on….

OK, can we take a break from the dramz to talk about this whole relationship with Chuck and Eva? Adorbs.  She’s so naive and adorable with that accent, I just want to pinch her cheeks!  And when Chuck is around her he says things like “If I answered out loud, I’m afraid I’ll have to leave the store” when she asks him how the designer dress looks on her little European body.  This is also right before he buys it for her. All together now: awwww I want that dress love it!

I have to say the best scene of the show, though, was the next one, where Blair completely rips Eva a new one in the store after Chuck floats out (in total man-candy manner.)  In this verbal bitch slap, Blair triumphantly tells Eva she may want to accessorize with gloves because, “Not even a manicure could mask those peasant hands.” Rawr.  It’s OK, people – no need to worry about the poor and vulnerable Eva.  Chuck sweet talks her later before buttoning up his red nightie and sleeping with her in those 750 thread-count sheets.

Finally, detective Serena confronts Blair about Juliet’s “conspiracy” the next day under a clear umbrella.  In full form, Blair keeps the claws out and hisses, “This isn’t a conspiracy. Hamilton House just didn’t want you.” Ouch. Serena: 0, Blair: 2.  Serena hikes up her skirt and tries to prove a point to Juliet, but Juliet shuts it down by blaming Blair for Serena’s keyless undergrad experience: “Did you ever think Blair was going to let you steal her spotlight?” Boom, roasted. Serena: 0. Juliet: 80 (she gets an extra 79 points for making out with Nate at the end of the episode/fooling people into thinking she’s of college age).

Then, things get totally crazy/unrealistic.

Serena is heated at Blair for stealing her key so she storms into Fashion’s Night Out with perfect boobs in a perfect dress that doesn’t manage to get all dirty dragging on the NYC sidewalks.  All of the Hamilton ladies get all “prepare your cellphones ladies, it’s gonna be a Blair/Serena showdown” and Juliet just happens to find a plug behind the random TVs in the room to project the fight to the entire room. And then she pulls back the zebra curtain where she just happens to know Blair and Serena are fighting a mere 3 feet away.

But joke’s on you, Juliet!  S and B have discovered the joys of film-making!  Yep, they staged a scene (shout out to Dorota!) and wiped that sourpuss look right off of Juliet’s face.  Unfortunately for Juliet, sisterhood is alive and well in the Upper East side and (surprise!) the board members of the Hamilton House are also board members at Bass industries. I mean, of course they are. NYC is a teeny, tiny town.

B and S do a little UES high five and celebrate their victory. Only one person did not find S and B’s joke on Juliet charming.  And that person is Nate Archibald.  He screams some gibberish in Serena’s face and walks off to make out with Juliet.  In other news, Chuck fixes things with Eva with a few eyebrow raises and a discussion about who he really is (Chuck Bass, duh) and they make out in front of Blair.

This is where Blair utters the two best lines in the show:

“One taste of caviar – it baffles me how they [Nate and Chuck] settle for catfish.”
“I thought the only thing Nate got upset about was a badly rolled joint.”

Kudos, girlfriend.  Nothing makes a happy ending better than Blair sass.

Hmmm, I think that’s it but I feel like I’m forgetting something. OH, that’s right – Georgina comes back.  And she tells Dan someones trying to kill her because she slept with a guy in an airplane and now his wife is out to get her.  Soooo, (deep breath) she lied to Dan that Milo was his Cabbage Patch so she could show the psycho wife it’s not her hubby’s baby.  And it case that doesn’t leave you totally stumped, Juliet has a chat with some rando dude in jail in the last scene.  Her famous last words? “Don’t worry, we’ll get it finished.  Just work on not getting killed and butt raped.”

I guess you can say I have that “sideways poop” look on my face right now too.
Who is this old lady?!

You know you love me,

XOXO
-GGRG

(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

"Oh hey, mom! Yeah, I'm jst having breakfast in my shoulder pads and '90s prom updo!"

Only on Gossip Girl can the episode begin with two beautifully (albeit overdressed) designer clad ladies eating crumpets at a spicy cafe in Paris while discussing Blair’s future date with Louis, whom is (naturally) a Prince.  I’m serious, the Disney Channel couldn’t make this sh*t up. And only on Gossip Girl can that beautiful moment be interrupted by a call from Serena’s mom to scurry on over to the morgue to identify a body that is presumably her former step-brother’s.

Yes, while sporting those chrome shoulder pads…and that squirrel that was residing on the back of her head.  I fully understand it was her hair, but let’s all agree that Serena is lucky she’s so gorge. That sorta business wouldn’t fly on just anyone…especially yours truly.

Whew, let’s dive right in, shall we? After four (long, cold, desolate) months of trying to figure out what happened after Chuck risked his entire life to save Miss Blair’s monstrous rock, Gossip Girl is in full force and here with all the answers.  No need to worry, my minions – Jenny (and her split ends/leggings/eye liner) did not appear on this episode. Rejoice!

OK. Here goes…

While Serena is going to the morgue – “What is that a strip club?” (Quote, unquote. Blair Waldorf, ladies and gentleman) – Nate is back at home in New York sipping coffee with Juliet, a sketchy girl he met in a restaurant.  Juliet is refreshingly charming at first but we all know that’s a surefire sign of a complete nut case. Well, everyone but Nate knows that.

See, Juliet seems to be brewing a screw-Serena-and-Nate-over stew and it’s starting to smell like victory.

Case A: She secretly knows everything about Nate and Serena. Hello, she keeps a bulletin board completely dedicated to Gossip Girl cutouts of the two. (Editor’s Note: Wait, is that not normal?) Call me crazy, but if that doesn’t raise her freak flag, I don’t know what will. (Editor’s Note: Oh….)

Case B: Juliet convinces Nate she should be his ‘life coach’ and she can finally help him win Serena’s recent affections for Dan.  Ugh, does Serena have to be the instigator for everything? Is she what John Mayer would describe as sexual napalm?!

Case C: She tells Vanessa the Baby Whisperer that Dan really has feelings for her so they can “take Dan out of the question using Vanessa” and give Nate a better chance to hone in on Serena and get her back.  Which doesn’t make any sense because doesn’t Juliet like Nate?  Then, to top it off, Dan and Vanessa end up hooking up because Dan tries to apologize and she makes him shut up because, “You don’t need to tell me, Nate already did.”  Then, Dan gets mad at Nate for telling Vanessa he had feelings for her when he really has feelings for Serena, right??

Did you get all that?

Oh. My. Lanta, I feel like I just ran a marathon.  That was a lot of information.  Take a minute to absorb. Eat a cookie. Eat a few more. OK, let’s get back to business.

SO, Dan and Nate have a bro-chat (with manly beer and hot cargo shorts, might I add) and talk Serena.  Want a summary of their conversation? Here it is: “Serena gets back tomorrow… what are we going to do?” Aaaand, end scene! I’m serious, that is about it.  True to nut case fashion, Juliet apologizes to Nate for intruding on him and his bud Danny-Doo and suddenly Nate has a hard-on for Juliet.  And just like she planned, Dan goes back to Vanessa and they kiss and make up.  Nothin an ol’ bro-versation won’t do!

Meanwhile, in Paris-town Blair is trying to feel all sparkly with Louis as he decks her wardrobe and brings her to a ball.  While Detective Serena is trying to find what Henry…er… I mean Chuck is up to with his ‘Dew vee need shots? Vhat dew vee pack?’ new woman, Blair finds carats, clarity and charisma in a jewelery shop that turns out…. houses the ring Chuck Bass owns!  Ugh, Paris is so complicated and beautiful.

So while Chuck is busy limping around Paris reinventing himself, Serena tries to convince Blair that she is the only one who can convince him to come back to New York and not completely give up his Empire to Serena’s mother. Which, would be really awful – duh.   Naturally, Blair rushes after him in a red dress that made my heart stop and they exchange a few, “I’d rather have nothing than be Chuck Bass…You can’t turn your back on who you really are…It wouldn’t be my world without you in its…” and BOOM, Blair is over Chuck and Chuck is flying his lover with him to New York.

“Don’t vee need teekets?” Chuck’s lover pleaded.
“We don’t need tickets. I’m Chuck Bass.”

Seriously, I’m dying.  This line wins the ‘Best Line in the History of Gossip Girl.’  In fact, what is up with all the Emmy slights every year? Have you heard what these people are saying, Academy?! It’s truly stunning. Kudos to you, Gossip Girl screenwriters! (Especially for writing J. Humph out for awhile. High fives!)

Blair on the other hand? She breaks up with her Prince, claiming she can’t live a fairytale.  She exits in true Miss Blair fashion, handing Louis her black pump and closing with, “It’s worth helluva lot more than a glass slipper.”  Oh Blair, you’ve always been one for fairytale endings.

OH and it turns out Milo (Dan’s “love child” with Georgina) has O-negative blood type.  You know what that means, little scientists? I’ll let you Wiki that and get back to me.

Until then, this poll is closed.

You know you love me.
XOXO,

—GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

There are three things in life that I don’t buy:

1. Bumpits
2. Heels that are taller than 4 inches
3. Lily van der Woodsen’s stupid story about being sick and needing a doctor and the only one that she could find was her sexy, rich ex husband even though she lives in New York City, where some of the best doctors in the world reside.

Oh, and thongs. I don’t buy thongs either.

Let’s just reflect. Lily gets cancer, doesn’t tell her husband, runs into the arms of her ex-husband and stays in a hotel with him “getting treatment” for months at a time, all the while lying to her waffle-making house-husband back home. Then this miracle doctor follows them back to New York where he comes up with some convoluted story about how he was absent for 14 years and then couldn’t see Serena because he was dealing with doctor-patient confidentiality with her mother?

Does this seem totally ridiculous to anyone else? (Besides the obvious fact that Dr. van der Woodsen is a skinnier Jack Donaghy and I was just waiting the entire episode for Liz Lemon to pop in and yell “deal breaker!”) What sort of power does this guy have over these two women that make them completely throw any sense of reason out the window?

And what is it about him that makes Serena talk to him like she’s trying to lure him into bed? That’s her father for god’s sake. Watching those two have coffee made me more uncomfortable than sitting in too-tight jeans at the end of freshman year. And let me tell you, that was painful. I lost feeling in my feet!

But that’s not the only thing that had me squirming in my seat. Little J’s nappy extensions pathetic attempts to to get freaky with Nate were pretty hard to watch as well. Seriously, girl, get a brush. I admit, Chuck’s plan to push Nate and Serena apart was pretty solid, but Jenny just couldn’t make it happen and her meltdown was Awkward City. She made a complete ass of herself in front of both Nate and her step-sister; not even Rufus’s waffles can fix that sitch.

I’m just hoping the rumors are true and Little J won’t be returning much next season. I just wonder how they’re going to get rid of her. Will she go on a post-Nate bender and be sent off to rehab? Will she run back into Damien’s arms, finally do the deed and get pregnant with his drug baby? Will Rufus and Lily get divorced, sending Jenny back to Brooklyn where she’s so embarrassed she packs up her extensions and black eye shadow and skips town?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. At this point, the only things I’m certain about when it comes to Gossip Girl is that Blair will never wear a pleather jacket again, Chuck will always wear that pinkie ring and Rufus will always remain Lily’s little bitch.