Wanna know what happened on this week’s creation of Gossip Girl?  Why don’t you look up the word ‘lamesauce’ in the dictionary and get back at me.  Didn’t find anything?  Well, it’s time to petition Merriam-Webster, because that’s the only word I can think of to describe the disappointment I feel for this show on a weekly basis.  A girl can only be distracted with lace blazers and Nate smirks for so long before she totally gives up.

Basically, I need a wicked twist this season, and I need it now.

The best twist about this episode?  Nate is back to his old self.  He’s smokin’ the reefer and shakin’ his booty to Tik Tok.  Did I just say reefer?  What am I, forty?  Based upon the fact I age ten years per episode why yes, yes I am. (But I don’t care how old I am; I still want Nate to babysit me. He likes cougars, right?)

It pains me greatly that the closest thing to excitement in this episode was some sweet, rolled Mary Jane and the sparkles on Serena’s birthday skirt. (Note: not her birthday SUIT. I don’t think Serena would be one to vagazzle…though that would have upped the excitement a bit). I mean, I could go to a campus frat party and find that; I turn to Gossip Girl for the thrilling drama, for god’s sake. Thrilling drama that has been MIA since season 3. Therefore, it’s time to take action.  It’s time to really reach out to anyone out there that is willing listen and even the ones that are not.  So I’m going to do what I do second best: write an open letter. (First best goes to Wine Pong. No one can stop me once that Franzia hits my system!) Read More »

I feel like a broken record (or more like my iPod with “Grenade” on repeat) for saying this again but yesterday’s Gossip Girl was…..oh sorry, fell asleep there for a second. Yeah, it was blah. And I was bored.

In fact, the only way I found any entertainment in that god awful hour was when I shut my eyes whenever Nate started talking.  His sexy, raspy, deep voice made me forget entirely that I was watching a show that used to be my favorite, before the writers started getting plot ideas from the staff at Days of Our Lives/doing Quaaludes. Especially when he disposed his favorite movie of all time, The Sound of Music.

“It’s got nuns and Nazis and Julie Andrews is hot.”

No Nate, you’re hot. And pretty much the only reason I still tune into this high class hot mess. Because that’s exactly what this is: a train wreck, a sh*tstorm, a confusing hour of twists and turns and fashion choices (a winter scarf with a beaded dress, Serena? Really?!) that make no sense at all. Truth be told, I’m feeling a little confused. (And the fact that it’s a show like Gossip Girl that’s confusing me only makes me feel worse.)  Like…what’s….going…on?  Seriously. I finish an episode and feel more lost and confused than the morning after a Four Loko night.

I have so many questions. Read More »

When Monday rolls around, I’m usually gathering all of the snacks I can find, burrowing into my couch, pulling a blanket to my chin, having a mini freak-out, and anticipating the glory that is Gossip Girl.  Seriously, that television production has rendered me completely useless every Monday for nearly three years now. But, it’s been a good run.

Until now.

Did the original GG producers go on an extended vacay? Are the new GG producers out to turn my life into a pile of ashes that have been burned from the horrible story line that is this season’s Gossip Girl??  I’m deeply sorry if I’ve offended anyone who’s enjoying the season right now.  Actually, I changed my mind.  No, I’m not.  This shiz has been as entertaining as a Quidditch match at a nursing home.  I’m dying of boredom.

Seriously, is this all you can come up with this season, GG? It seems as if time and ideas are running out.  We are back where we started…Serena wants to run away forever, she makes out with her (ehem, stepbrother) Dan again, Jenny has no friends, and Blair is still trying to find herself.  I think I just snapped my jaw mid-yawn. Borrrr-innggg.

Gossip Girl: You are like my mother when she tells me to get a job, make my bed, and to turn down the volume Chelsea Lately. I’ve heard it all before.

So, since Gossip Girl has been MIA for a week now, maybe the week off has given those producers time to think about what they’ve done and fix it. We’re all supposed to learn from our mistakes, right?  Well, let’s hope the people behind Gossip Girl have learned a lesson or 12. Here are a few things we are hoping the producers have come up to make Gossip Girl shiny and new again.

Read More »

OK, let’s get the best part of the show out of the way early, shall we? Blair pushed Rachel Zoe down, a fondue chocolate bowl fell on her head, and she said, “I die” in that deranged elf voice.  And I trembled with glee. It was BANANAS. Not to mention, that was probably enough calories for Zoe for the week!

Moving on.

When the leaves turn, it’s time for Blair’s birthday, a shiz-ton of scheming, and an ending make-out scene that had me staring at the TV screen in a mix of delight (“FINALLY!”) and horror (“there are middle schoolers watchign this!”). That’s right, Chuck and Blair pull out the sauce….on the piano.  In the words of everyone’s favorite housekeeper, “Happy Birthday Meeeez Blair!”

Could you handle it?  I couldn’t.  I screamed. I jumped up. I couldn’t even swallow amidst all that hair pulling, panty ripping and aggressive kissing, which wouldn’t be a big deal had I not just took a giant swig of extra hot chocolate. Yeah, burn. Literally (Rachel Zoe voice).

It’s a good thing that happened, though, because last night’s ep needed something to redeem it. Then again, I’ve come to learn that Gossip Girl‘s creators always have a knack for ending a craptastic episode with something so great I can’t help but count down the seconds until the next week.

But that (and the whole “don’t drink hot cocoa while watching GG” thing) is not the only thing I learned from this week’s Gossip Girl. So, ladies and gents, let’s see what other wisdom Gossip Girl imparted on us all. Think of me as your just-as-sexy-as-Collin professor and pay attention: Read More »

Heart melting. Heart melting. WHY ARE THE CREDITS ROLLING?!

For some reason, I was under the impression that last night’s Gossip Girl was the season finale. Imagine my horror, then, when the show ended and I thought I’d have to wait a whole 4 months to find out if Blair met Chuck at the top of the Empire State Building, if Nate and Jenny got. it. onnnnnn., and if Jenny then decided to pack up her extensions and haul ass out of New York.

“NOOOOO!” I screamed as the credits rolled. My mom came running into the kitchen, worried that I’d cut myself or choked on a Stacy’s Pita Chip (have you tried the cinnamon sugar kind? They’re so good I don’t even want to waste time chewing).

“Are you OK?!” She looked worried.

“THAT CAN’T BE THE SEASON FINALE. IT CAN’T!” But before I even finished my thought, “Scenes from The Next Gossip Girl” came on, I jumped out of my seat in total ecstacy, and my mom gave me a look of anger mixed with pity and stormed out of the room.

Thank GOD we get one more week. Things are really heating up around here and I can’t handle another untimely GG break, like that awful 3 month hiatus we had to deal with earlier this season. I need some closure, dammit. Some answers! Read More »

Before I get into the real meat of last night’s Gossip Girl episode, I have one thing to say:

WHO TELLS A 19-YEAR-OLD GIRL THAT HER STEP-DAD IS CHEATING ON HER MOM WHO IS SICK WITH CANCER (or at least thinks she is) WHILE GRABBING HER COAT FROM THE COAT CHECK GUY???

OK, now that I got that off my chest, I’m feeling a little better. But really, what is wrong with (fictional) people? Was it so urgent, random beautiful woman from downstairs, that you couldn’t wait until you got home – to the building you both live in – to tell Lily yourself? And is it even true? Could it be that this woman is just head over heels for Rufus and wants him and his waffle iron for herself?  Between all his breakfast-making and conniving to keep the Doc out of Lily’s life, when would he have the time for some extra-marital nookie?

And, let’s not forget that Lily already sorta knew something was happening between these two before. But what that “something” was, we don’t know for sure. Remember Scarf-Gate 2009? That wool Burberry number was what evened the score earlier in the year when Rufus was all, “Why you lying to me, Lily?” and Lily was all, “Hey, I’m gonna leave this scarf on your table without saying anything so you know that I know and we can move on.”

But now stupid Serena (and her stupid gorgeous makeup and those stupid ridiculous earrings and that stupid, stupid insanely beautiful dress) is involved and we all know how that’s gonna go. (And if you don’t, here’s a rundwon: she’s going to get deep into the mess without really knowing the truth, she’s going to hurt a lot of people, probably break up the family, but then she’s going to apologize to everyone and it will all be OK. Oh, and then she’s going to have hot, steamy sex [potentially involving things found in the fridge] with Nate.)

Can’t wait to see how that all goes down. Pause. Not. Read More »

I’d like to take this opportunity to give a big “welcome back!” to Gossip Girl’s former glory. Maybe it’s because last night’s episode was going up against the NCAA National Championship game, but those writers pulled out all the stops and it was good. No, it was really effing good. It had more ups and downs than the game and it even brought me to tears at one point. (Though, full disclosure, the ending of the game did too.)

Can we please just talk about Chuck and Blair? OMG it was intense. I swear when Blair confronted him when she got back from the hotel, I didn’t breathe for a full minute. I mean, I knew there would be scandal surrounding this potential tryst with creepy Uncle Jack, this is Gossip Girl after all, but I never in my wildest imaginations thought Chuck would be the one pulling all the strings. And maybe that’s why Chuck did it; he was sick of people not expecting something like that from him. Read More »

If I had to choose who I’d want to win in a boxing match between Jenny Humphrey and Jack Bass, I honestly don’t think I’d be able to it. That would be like asking me to choose between rolling around naked with Joel McHale for an hour or getting 24 hours to eat as much Costco cake as I want without having to count the calories.

And it has nothing to do with that creepy facial hair Uncle Jack is sporting.

Those two got me so angry last night I kicked my coffee table and chipped my pedicure. And that only enraged me more. I said it last week and I’ll say it again: I hate bad Jenny. And last night she took my anger to a whole new level. Skipping school, turning down her dad’s waffles (I’m sorry, but I never turn down a waffle), then trying to defend Damien’s honor with “He wasn’t hitting on Serena…. he was just trying to get the drugs back so he could sell them to that girl”? Really, Jenny? That’s your defense?! Oh, and then running away with Dbag Damien after he punched my beloved Nate!? I wanted to grab her by that weave and make her watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights on repeat for 48 hours. That would teach her. Read More »

Everyone knows Gossip Girl is not real. Unlike “The Hills” and “The City,” who try to play themselves off as reality, Gossip Girl is simply a scripted indulgence with a little over-the-top drama peppered in…every 5 seconds. Still, though, sometimes I’d like to think that this show, my guiltiest of guilty pleasures, maintains some semblance of what life is really like on the Upper East Side of New York City. That there really are people up there like Blair, Chuck and Damien. (OK, I think we all know there are people out there like Damien…there are a few of them living on my block.)

But last night’s episode made that nearly impossible. It was chock (Chuck?) full of obvious inconsistencies that took me back to the days of Saved By The Bell – The College Years, when I thought everyone was BFF with their RA (who looked like a wrestler) and could share a mega sweet with their friends from home. Let’s take a look: Read More »

Holy hell.
What. An. Episode!
I laughed (while Dan was forced to watch porn… that was a lot of moaning), I cried (Sigh. Chuck.) and I got very, very angry. Gah! They fit so much into that teeny, little hour and I just had to pause the show to take it all in…. and get a snack.

So here goes:

Tripp is so out, Nate is so in, and finally the world is back in order!

For those of who you who got caught up in the Tripp/Serena drama of last week and were still somehow pulling for this pathetic pushover, let me remind you of all the things he has done wrong since being introduced on Gossip Girl: He had an affair, he lied to Serena and left her in a house with no cable (but some really old pot), he agreed to an “open relationship” with his wife, he abandoned Serena in the midst of a car wreck and could have killed her by moving her, and he lets his psychotic bitch of a wife control him. Oh and did I mention the creepy factor that he’s dating 19-year-old? I mean, even though he’s a pretty hot congressman, that’s still pretty gross.

And the guy is just pathetic. He wants to give up his entire career for a teen socialite? Yeah, she’s got great hair but is that worth giving up your career?  Then he let’s his wife call all the shots, do crazy and illegal things and stands by her as she manipulates the entire UES for her own sick dream of being a politician’s wife (she’s certainly got the wardrobe down pat…). God, I thought Blair was evil, but this Maureen woman makes her look like Mother Theresa. Read More »