Wanna know what happened on this week’s creation of Gossip Girl?  Why don’t you look up the word ‘lamesauce’ in the dictionary and get back at me.  Didn’t find anything?  Well, it’s time to petition Merriam-Webster, because that’s the only word I can think of to describe the disappointment I feel for this show on a weekly basis.  A girl can only be distracted with lace blazers and Nate smirks for so long before she totally gives up.

Basically, I need a wicked twist this season, and I need it now.

The best twist about this episode?  Nate is back to his old self.  He’s smokin’ the reefer and shakin’ his booty to Tik Tok.  Did I just say reefer?  What am I, forty?  Based upon the fact I age ten years per episode why yes, yes I am. (But I don’t care how old I am; I still want Nate to babysit me. He likes cougars, right?)

It pains me greatly that the closest thing to excitement in this episode was some sweet, rolled Mary Jane and the sparkles on Serena’s birthday skirt. (Note: not her birthday SUIT. I don’t think Serena would be one to vagazzle…though that would have upped the excitement a bit). I mean, I could go to a campus frat party and find that; I turn to Gossip Girl for the thrilling drama, for god’s sake. Thrilling drama that has been MIA since season 3. Therefore, it’s time to take action.  It’s time to really reach out to anyone out there that is willing listen and even the ones that are not.  So I’m going to do what I do second best: write an open letter. (First best goes to Wine Pong. No one can stop me once that Franzia hits my system!)

My Open Letter to Gossip Girl:

Dear GG,

Hi, I’m Brittany, one of those angry, distraught, broken-record GG fans that really likes Nate’s outer arm muscles in flannel, hates anyone who dates Chuck other than Blair and secretly dreams about touching Rufus’ burly man hands.  I simply cannot stop searching for that allure Gossip Girl once provided for my Monday nights.  Even if I have to use my words and hope you find this on the interwebs.

You know a show is bad when 18-year-old boys who haven’t grown an inch since their 12th birthday are writing checks for $100,000 because they want to keep crazy cocaine addicts happy.  And that’s exactly where Gossip Girl is going.  I understand you’re trying to insert Dimples Damien into all of this in attempt to make things better and brighter for Gossip Girl, but that spray tan is just too much. And it’s not working. Can’t we just keep Lily as the individual writing the checks and sealing the envelopes? And can we have the sorta cynical but totally adorable Eric back? What’s with all this doom and gloom?

And I still can’t stand the ignorance that is infesting Serena’s mind. You’re making it REALLY hard to like her; I can’t even bring myself to drool over her long, luscious locks anymore. I think every GG fan loves the idea of all this romance and love, but what kind of heroine are you creating when she abandons all rational thought for every guy who looks her way? That’s….healthy. Maybe someone can send a memo to the wardrobe department to stop dressing Serena in such tight sweaters that prevent blood flow to her brain. Maybe that will help?

I’d also like to talk about Blair’s future.  I understand she can’t brush her own hair on a daily basis, so what gives when Blair is pretty much manning the entire editorial portion of W magazine?  Isn’t she still in college?  Couldn’t you have tried to make that whole storyline realistic? Because it just…wasn’t.

Heavy sigh. (Yeah, I had to type that out so you know just how upset all of this is making me.) All of this ‘bad episode’ business is making me crazy and I think I’m about to say something I’ll forever regret. But so be it.

Can we bring Little J back?

I don’t care; dress her like a low class street whore and cake her face with raccoon makeup, but bring her back already!  And for the sake of the Upper East Side’s relationship with me and my living room – Dan and Blair can hook up now.  I will allow it. I’m ready for an extreme Serena-Blair falling out and a ‘no-no’ hook up sesh. Serena’s a crappy, selfish person, anyway; she doesn’t deserve Dan. Let’s have him fall into the arms of a witty, intelligent, beautiful woman who does.

Make it happen.  Or I’m going to change the channel and watch disgusting group dates and swimming sessions in Costa Rica.  And trust me, you don’t want me to have to do that. Word to the wise: it’s always better to give me what I want. Just ask my parents.

That is all.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

I feel like a broken record (or more like my iPod with “Grenade” on repeat) for saying this again but yesterday’s Gossip Girl was…..oh sorry, fell asleep there for a second. Yeah, it was blah. And I was bored.

In fact, the only way I found any entertainment in that god awful hour was when I shut my eyes whenever Nate started talking.  His sexy, raspy, deep voice made me forget entirely that I was watching a show that used to be my favorite, before the writers started getting plot ideas from the staff at Days of Our Lives/doing Quaaludes. Especially when he disposed his favorite movie of all time, The Sound of Music.

“It’s got nuns and Nazis and Julie Andrews is hot.”

No Nate, you’re hot. And pretty much the only reason I still tune into this high class hot mess. Because that’s exactly what this is: a train wreck, a sh*tstorm, a confusing hour of twists and turns and fashion choices (a winter scarf with a beaded dress, Serena? Really?!) that make no sense at all. Truth be told, I’m feeling a little confused. (And the fact that it’s a show like Gossip Girl that’s confusing me only makes me feel worse.)  Like…what’s….going…on?  Seriously. I finish an episode and feel more lost and confused than the morning after a Four Loko night.

I have so many questions.

For Chuck & Blair:
So….let me get this straight. Blair takes pride in scheming with Chuck on getting some rich chick to fall in love with him?  Umm, how can Blair talk so comfortably about tricking woman to fall in love with Chuck?  Wasn’t she just head-over-heels in love with him herself?

And since when did Bass and Thorpe sound pretty together?? That seriously sounds like a fishing boat company. Whatever, Chuck is the king of cute relationships.  Finding a hiding place together in a five star hotel and flirting in the kitchen by the spices?  Sign me up!

Ben & Serena:
Ok, so blah, blah, blah Ben (Serena’s number one stalker) is crashing with the Humphreys, and it was Serena’s idea.  I thought Dan and Serena were dating? But why is Serena flirting with her stalker, that might I mention looks like a dressed up Lord Voldemort? He is feeding her spicy tuna rolls…but the funny thing is, that’s not wasabi, Serena, that’s a roofie.

But of course Serena doesn’t see that. Or remember how he stalked and drugged her. Or ever think about anything when she’s got her doe-eyes on a guy. She’s honestly the most ignorant human being I’ve ever seen on television… besides Paula Abdul.

Why doesn’t she EVER believe Dan, who is her previous lover and stepbrother?  Who has NEVER lied to her (well, besides that Georgina thing, but whatever)?  Instead she believes the guy who systematically tried to ruin her life and is out on parole! I want to love you, Serena. COME ON. DON’T DO THIS TO ME, girl.

Oh and while we’re on the subject, I’m so sick of the storyline where Dan forgives enemies because he feels bad for them. Oh really, Dan; because Ben played ‘innocent’ one time that means you can leave Serena in your apartment with him alone? And in those God-awful boots??

New York Social Life:
How do people randomly run into each other in New York?  I understand it’s a small island but seriously? Rena creeping up on Chuck while he takes a scheming phone call with Blair, who casually runs into Serena on a desolate sidewalk?  And it’s New York – how does everyone end up at the same party?  And shouldn’t Mr. Humphrey be staying in?  As a father with a few kiddies old enough to vote, I’d assume he would rather be watching wrestling in his penthouse suite.  While helping Lily stuff envelopes and take off her sequin zip-up.

Eric and Damien:
It’s those dimples, isn’t it Eric? And that luscious spray tan?  I’d punch a snake-head stalker too, bro.

Hm, I guess those were more rhetorical questions…

Dan:
Why don’t you just give up on Serena already and hope you pull her name during Secret Santa at family Christmas next year?  The girl clearly has issues (#1 being that she screws you over whenever she gets the chance) so maybe you should stay away for awhile. If nothing else, playing hard to get might finally get you what you want. No one likes a needy boy, Daniel. Especially when that needy boy also happens to be FAMILY.

Florence & the Machine:
You were there (and gave a stellar performance!), do you have any idea what’s goin’ down?

Until next time (which I’m dreading),

XOXO
Gossip Girl (Recap Girl)

When Monday rolls around, I’m usually gathering all of the snacks I can find, burrowing into my couch, pulling a blanket to my chin, having a mini freak-out, and anticipating the glory that is Gossip Girl.  Seriously, that television production has rendered me completely useless every Monday for nearly three years now. But, it’s been a good run.

Until now.

Did the original GG producers go on an extended vacay? Are the new GG producers out to turn my life into a pile of ashes that have been burned from the horrible story line that is this season’s Gossip Girl??  I’m deeply sorry if I’ve offended anyone who’s enjoying the season right now.  Actually, I changed my mind.  No, I’m not.  This shiz has been as entertaining as a Quidditch match at a nursing home.  I’m dying of boredom.

Seriously, is this all you can come up with this season, GG? It seems as if time and ideas are running out.  We are back where we started…Serena wants to run away forever, she makes out with her (ehem, stepbrother) Dan again, Jenny has no friends, and Blair is still trying to find herself.  I think I just snapped my jaw mid-yawn. Borrrr-innggg.

Gossip Girl: You are like my mother when she tells me to get a job, make my bed, and to turn down the volume Chelsea Lately. I’ve heard it all before.

So, since Gossip Girl has been MIA for a week now, maybe the week off has given those producers time to think about what they’ve done and fix it. We’re all supposed to learn from our mistakes, right?  Well, let’s hope the people behind Gossip Girl have learned a lesson or 12. Here are a few things we are hoping the producers have come up to make Gossip Girl shiny and new again.

Serena: The Real Story
In the next episode, we could find out the real truth about Serena and her fickle ways with men: she’s actually a lesbian. She doesn’t know when to properly come out, and she doesn’t want to make Lily write (yet another) check for her.  Eventually, her truth will come out, most likely at a gala, hotel party, ball, or some other event that brings everyone together in couture dresses. But it won’t be Serena’s idea to share the big secret. Team Brooklyn will pull a curtain away from Serena’s make out sesh with…wait, that’s not Lonely Boy.

Nate and Dan:  When Boredom Strikes…
Without Serena, things are getting a little melancholy on the Upper East Side.  In a marijuana induced angst sesh (and after they bond when Nate teaches Dan how to work a lacrosse stick), they end up going back to Nate’s hotel suite.  After a few stiff drinks, Dan and Nate turn their bromance into a romance, get tipsy, and hook up. Before you know it, they are walking hand and hand to Central Park.  Awww, cute!

Rufus: Takes His Baking to the Business World
Since Lily clearly can’t get enough of her hubby’s great cooking (the sarcasm is dripping like syrup off of a stack of his famed waffles here) and he can’t handle his roll as boring housewife, Rufus takes his waffle making abilities to the business world. He writes a business proposal highlighting the important role waffles plays in the preservation of families and before we know it, Rufus buys a ‘waffle truck,’ and roams the city as a breakfast maker with a cause.

Blair and Chuck: I Hear Wedding Bells
Since the only thing I actually enjoy watching on the show is Blair and Chuck, why not take their relationship to the next level?  Honestly, I’m not sure if I would get up at 3 AM to watch Prince William wed Kate Middleton’s royal nuptials, but Blair and Chuck on the other hand?  I would take a two-hour special and the risk of drooling on my shirt to see that any day.  Oh, and make their engagement a short one so I don’t have to suffer through five episodes to witness the wedding of the century. Perfect.

Juliet:  Diminishes the Mystery and Gets.Out.Of. New York.
Ok, enough already!  It’s about time we figure out why Juliet’s brother is in jail so we can be donzo with these fools!  In my ideal Gossip Girl world, the mystery of Juliet and her a-hole bro would be disposed, the sketchiness of it all diminished, and Juliet would run out of the city like a little girl (which she clearly is not).

Jenny: Gets a Haircut
And runs out of eyeliner.

Sigh, I hope someone’s listening out there. I guess we’ll find out tonight.

Moving on.

When the leaves turn, it’s time for Blair’s birthday, a shiz-ton of scheming, and an ending make-out scene that had me staring at the TV screen in a mix of delight (“FINALLY!”) and horror (“there are middle schoolers watchign this!”). That’s right, Chuck and Blair pull out the sauce….on the piano.  In the words of everyone’s favorite housekeeper, “Happy Birthday Meeeez Blair!”

Could you handle it?  I couldn’t.  I screamed. I jumped up. I couldn’t even swallow amidst all that hair pulling, panty ripping and aggressive kissing, which wouldn’t be a big deal had I not just took a giant swig of extra hot chocolate. Yeah, burn. Literally (Rachel Zoe voice).

It’s a good thing that happened, though, because last night’s ep needed something to redeem it. Then again, I’ve come to learn that Gossip Girl‘s creators always have a knack for ending a craptastic episode with something so great I can’t help but count down the seconds until the next week.

But that (and the whole “don’t drink hot cocoa while watching GG” thing) is not the only thing I learned from this week’s Gossip Girl. So, ladies and gents, let’s see what other wisdom Gossip Girl imparted on us all. Think of me as your just-as-sexy-as-Collin professor and pay attention:

“Coffee is the thing you have, before you pay the check and have sex.” -Blair
Blair is such a wise woman.  Because it’s true – Serena and Colin can barely keep their hands off of each other.  When S talks about bagels, she really wants breakfast in bed, people!  So much so that Serena finally gives in even though she “likes him too much to do this right now,” and Juliet finds out Serena’s dating her cousin, and she video tapes their make out sesh.

OK, I’m dying GG, what is Serena responsible for?  Why does Ben and Juliet want her sabotaged/ expelled?  Why is Collin going to ruin everything? It’s her roots, isn’t it? Or maybe Juliet is uber jealous of Serena’s buoyant breasts?! (I know I am…)

“Peace time is the perfect time for a side strike.” -Dan
GG is right, it seems like the leaves aren’t the only thing changing this fall.  The Brooklyn boy is in it to win it. Dan is so mad his (gothic Barbie) sister remains quarantined upstate, he’s willing to do anything to bring her back. Nevermind the fact that no one (not even Blair) can really keep Jenny out of Manhattan, this is JENNY, bro. Remember when she sabotaged the family? Or when she dropped out of school? Or when she VOLUNTARILY slept with Chuck Bass? She’s not worth all the scheming. If you really want to see her (it’s your prerogative, I guess), take the Bass limo and go pick her skanky ass up. Boom. Anniversary party saved.

“All books and no sex? Guys don’t wait.  When they’re not getting any from you…[fill in the blank]” -Juliet
Thanks Juliet, you little (old) slutbag.  I don’t know what you’re doing to convince all these morons that you’re a good person (or an actual college student… SERIOUSLY, what is wrong with everyone!?), but you are always good for some sound advice. I’m so glad the tweens of the world were watching and listening.

“All powerful people have enemies.” -Blair
And all along I just thought enemies were reserved for beautiful people and bloggers, but B is right. Lucky for Blair, hers is Chuck. And lucky for both of them, enemies have hot, angry sex.

“Screw the bar, the good stuff is in the kitchen.” -Blair
Right on, girlfriend.  And she’s not just talking about the Grey Goose.  In the kitchen, Collin is in the midst of getting mad at Juliet and it looks like Juliet is dating Collin so Nate gets mad at Juliet and Juliet finds out Serena is really dating Collin.  Woah, which way is up?? See? Blair told you all the good stuff is in the kitchen!

“It only takes one video to topple an entire career.” -Blair
Even if that video is just some harmless, drunken karaoke. Provided by Robyn. (Yeah, I have no idea how she fit into all of this either. Very creative, writers!)

Not really sure how that could ruin Blair’s life or how Dan even knew that existed, but allow me to share a lesson with Blair (if she’s reading): sex tapes MAKE careers. Just ask Kim Kardashian! You want to make a comeback? Get Dorota to hold the FlipCam while you and Chuck get. it. onnnnn. on the piano. Crisis averted.

“You have to allow  yourself to be weak and grow stronger. You don’t have to lose the girl to be a woman. You just need to think about who’s going to be around when you let her out.” -Eleanor
Who knew Eleanor was so full of cheesy cliches? Regardless, it was deep… in that “my fortune cookie is talking to me” sorta way.

“There can never be peace when all of the guns are loaded and full of ammunition.” -Gossip Girl
And if that whole scene on the piano proves anything, it’s that Chuck’s gun is fully loaded. Meow.

Class dismissed.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

Heart melting. Heart melting. WHY ARE THE CREDITS ROLLING?!

For some reason, I was under the impression that last night’s Gossip Girl was the season finale. Imagine my horror, then, when the show ended and I thought I’d have to wait a whole 4 months to find out if Blair met Chuck at the top of the Empire State Building, if Nate and Jenny got. it. onnnnnn., and if Jenny then decided to pack up her extensions and haul ass out of New York.

“NOOOOO!” I screamed as the credits rolled. My mom came running into the kitchen, worried that I’d cut myself or choked on a Stacy’s Pita Chip (have you tried the cinnamon sugar kind? They’re so good I don’t even want to waste time chewing).

“Are you OK?!” She looked worried.

“THAT CAN’T BE THE SEASON FINALE. IT CAN’T!” But before I even finished my thought, “Scenes from The Next Gossip Girl” came on, I jumped out of my seat in total ecstacy, and my mom gave me a look of anger mixed with pity and stormed out of the room.

Thank GOD we get one more week. Things are really heating up around here and I can’t handle another untimely GG break, like that awful 3 month hiatus we had to deal with earlier this season. I need some closure, dammit. Some answers!

I need to know if true love is real and so powerful it can overcome your rich boyfriend trading your vajayjay for a hotel. I need more Chuck and Blair scheming, because even though it only lasted a moment last night, watching them work in tandem on Dr. Holland was the best part of the show (besides the opening with all the Lanvin, Louboutin and Marc Jacobs).

I need to know if Blair does want to get back together with Chuck and is merely playing games with him to make him suffer as much as she did, or if she’s truly moved on to the Columbia rugby boy with the bad taste in sweaters. (The guy is good looking and a more down-to-earth sorta chap, but this is Blair we’re talking about. Down-to-earth isn’t in her vocabulary.)

I need to know what the eff went down between Jenny and Nate. The boy was clearly a little down and out after his cray cray girlfriend (who may or may not be sleeping with her dad…. or at least trying to) verbally bitch slapped him, but is that enough to send him into the skinny arms/giant bosom of Jenny Humphrey? I know they’ve got a bit of a past, and I know Nate’s got a thing for blondes, but there’s a big difference between Serena’s gorgeous locks and J. Humph’s giant dredlock.

I need to know why no one on the UES ever lounges around the house in sweatpants. Really? This is what Jenny wears when she’s grounded?

I need to know what sort of hold Dr. Will had on Dr. Holland to get her to prescribe those fake meds to Lily/pretend to have slept with Rufus. This whole scheme has been a long time coming and involved a lot of work; did she kill someone? Will we ever find out?

I need to know if Jenny is still technically grounded for selling drugs. After all, it was her drug dealing mishaps that saved the family. Of course, then she tried to sabotage the family to go back to Brooklyn…. but the family ended up safe and happy in the end despite her. Does Jenny get her cell phone back?

I need to know that Dr. van der Woodsen is gone, far, far away from New York. I want to love him, really I do – he is a Baldwin – but I am very protective of my Humphrey’s (well, the two that aren’t Jenny) and anyone that threatens them while also getting a little too flirty with his own daughter is dead to me. You may have impressed your starving-for-attention daughter with the killer boots, but you don’t impress me, William. I mean, do you even know how to make waffles?

WHO TELLS A 19-YEAR-OLD GIRL THAT HER STEP-DAD IS CHEATING ON HER MOM WHO IS SICK WITH CANCER (or at least thinks she is) WHILE GRABBING HER COAT FROM THE COAT CHECK GUY???

OK, now that I got that off my chest, I’m feeling a little better. But really, what is wrong with (fictional) people? Was it so urgent, random beautiful woman from downstairs, that you couldn’t wait until you got home – to the building you both live in – to tell Lily yourself? And is it even true? Could it be that this woman is just head over heels for Rufus and wants him and his waffle iron for herself?  Between all his breakfast-making and conniving to keep the Doc out of Lily’s life, when would he have the time for some extra-marital nookie?

And, let’s not forget that Lily already sorta knew something was happening between these two before. But what that “something” was, we don’t know for sure. Remember Scarf-Gate 2009? That wool Burberry number was what evened the score earlier in the year when Rufus was all, “Why you lying to me, Lily?” and Lily was all, “Hey, I’m gonna leave this scarf on your table without saying anything so you know that I know and we can move on.”

But now stupid Serena (and her stupid gorgeous makeup and those stupid ridiculous earrings and that stupid, stupid insanely beautiful dress) is involved and we all know how that’s gonna go. (And if you don’t, here’s a rundwon: she’s going to get deep into the mess without really knowing the truth, she’s going to hurt a lot of people, probably break up the family, but then she’s going to apologize to everyone and it will all be OK. Oh, and then she’s going to have hot, steamy sex [potentially involving things found in the fridge] with Nate.)

Can’t wait to see how that all goes down. Pause. Not.

What I am excited for, though, is the return of the old Blair Waldorf. I had a couple tears in my eyes when we found out Chuck had applied to Columbia for her. Not only am I ready for my favorite witch to get out of the East Village and start breaking bitches down on the UWS, but the fact that Chuck applied there for her? Swoon. That’s love. For real, I applied there back in the day and anyone who is willing to do that for someone else deserves a medal of honor. That ish was ridonk.

Sigh, what I would give to be on of Chuck’s random girls for the night…..

Woops. Back on track.

Things also happened between Dan and Vanessa. I only noticed because while these (boring) things were happening, Vanessa was wearing an awesome sequin cardigan and I was drooling onto my remote. I watched closely, hoping she might disclose where said cardigan came from, but instead I followed some fight about internships and writing courses and blah, blah, blah. The funny thing is, the Dan and Vanessa situation is the only one on the show that would really hold up in the real world. It’s real drama, something we can all identify with, and it’s boring me to tears. Maybe V leaving for three months will spice things up a bit?

Or MAYBE Vanessa will send Jenny instead (I’m sure CNN and Haiti need some 17-year-old girl who can sew) and she and her waist-long hair and super wet looking lips will be out of our lives forever!!

Wishful thinking?
Probably, but we’ll find out the fate of all of our favorite UES-ers in the season finale next week. Here’s hoping Jenny’s drug dealing ways save her family…

I’d like to take this opportunity to give a big “welcome back!” to Gossip Girl’s former glory. Maybe it’s because last night’s episode was going up against the NCAA National Championship game, but those writers pulled out all the stops and it was good. No, it was really effing good. It had more ups and downs than the game and it even brought me to tears at one point. (Though, full disclosure, the ending of the game did too.)

Can we please just talk about Chuck and Blair? OMG it was intense. I swear when Blair confronted him when she got back from the hotel, I didn’t breathe for a full minute. I mean, I knew there would be scandal surrounding this potential tryst with creepy Uncle Jack, this is Gossip Girl after all, but I never in my wildest imaginations thought Chuck would be the one pulling all the strings. And maybe that’s why Chuck did it; he was sick of people not expecting something like that from him.

But to risk losing Blair, who looked so hot in that dress I would have given up a hotel for her, for a business? And then to fully expect that she’d get over that and come back to him? What a pompous a-hole. I swear, if I were Blair I would have done more than just slap him across the face; I probably would have added a little something about how dumb his ascots look. Obviously we all love Chuck’s manipulative ways and arrogance – it’s part of what makes him sexy, in addition to that chiseled face and those sexy suits – but this was just too much. When Blair cried, I cried. Hard. Both for their relationship and for the fact that we may not get anymore Chuck Bass makeout scenes in the near future.

Sigh. I can’t even think about it anymore. Let’s talk about something else.

Like Jenny Humphrey who, once again, is inching toward the dark side. She was good for a whole 6 minutes between last week and this week so it was obviously time to do something stupid again. Like pull a Queen B and drum up and evil plan to steal her hot step-sister’s boyfriend. I’ll admit, Jenny looked super cute in that fedora and it was pretty adorbs when she got Nate the ice cream sundae for his birthday, but the girl is dumb. Has she really thought this through at all? What if she somehow convinces Nate to dump his super hot and devoted girlfriend who plans the most awesome birthday party ever and with whom he has seriously steamy sex, to date her?

SHE LIVES WITH SERENA. Does she think that is going to work out? That they’ll live happily ever after? Honestly, I am dunzo with Jenny. Why don’t we bring Erik back for more than 3 episodes a season and ship Little J off to live with some other UES family. Like with Ramona from The Real Housewives; they deserve each other. Or maybe she could run off with Uncle Jack; they’re a match made in manipulative heaven. Well, minus the whole “she’s only 16 and that would be really gross” factor.

At least there was some goodness to celebrate in last night’s ep. Not only was Dorota back and hilarious as usual (I don’t know if it’s that accent or the apron, but I can’t get enough of that woman), but she’s engaged! And Erik’s got a boy who loves him! And Rufus uses Bing instead of Google when searching for Polaroid film online! (Way to go with the product placement, writers!) And the episode was over with plenty of time to flip back over to the basketball game…. and then watch my favored team lose.

OK, so that last part wasn’t so great, but at least we have a doorman/housekeeper wedding to look forward to next week. Unfortch, I don’t think Blair will be catching that bouquet.

And it has nothing to do with that creepy facial hair Uncle Jack is sporting.

Those two got me so angry last night I kicked my coffee table and chipped my pedicure. And that only enraged me more. I said it last week and I’ll say it again: I hate bad Jenny. And last night she took my anger to a whole new level. Skipping school, turning down her dad’s waffles (I’m sorry, but I never turn down a waffle), then trying to defend Damien’s honor with “He wasn’t hitting on Serena…. he was just trying to get the drugs back so he could sell them to that girl”? Really, Jenny? That’s your defense?! Oh, and then running away with Dbag Damien after he punched my beloved Nate!? I wanted to grab her by that weave and make her watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights on repeat for 48 hours. That would teach her.

And then there’s Uncle Jack. (He’s not the same Uncle Jack as before, is he? I know he’s got that weird beardy thing now, but I swear it’s a different guy. Whatever. He’s still a dirty, disgusting, sleazy man.) Like most people, I couldn’t help but be happy for Chuck now that his mother was in the picture. He was happy, smiling, and having a lot of really adorable make out scenes with Blair. What can I say? I like seeing the bad boy go soft (especially a bad boy that looks like Chuck Bass). And then Jack Bass comes in and ruins it all: his business, his image, his relationship with this woman who we all thought was his mom but is really working with McBeard to ruin the Bass empire….

What….an a-hole.

I’m worried about Chuck. Even more, I’m worried what’s going to happen to him and Blair once they both realize what’s happened and that it’s her fault for pushing him into this blind relationship with his “mother.” Is he going to be homeless, living on the street, selling off all his ties and pinky rings for a bottle of whiskey? Is Blair going to have to move back into the NYU dorms and spend her nights sexiled while Dan and V get. it. on? Or will Chuck move back in to casa de Lily and finally figure out why she’s whoring herself out to her ex husband for her mother’s medical treatments while Jenny pouts in her room and acts all tough and cool?

Maybe he could have Eric’s room? Lord knows we haven’t seen that kid in awhile…

Everyone knows Gossip Girl is not real. Unlike “The Hills” and “The City,” who try to play themselves off as reality, Gossip Girl is simply a scripted indulgence with a little over-the-top drama peppered in…every 5 seconds. Still, though, sometimes I’d like to think that this show, my guiltiest of guilty pleasures, maintains some semblance of what life is really like on the Upper East Side of New York City. That there really are people up there like Blair, Chuck and Damien. (OK, I think we all know there are people out there like Damien…there are a few of them living on my block.)

But last night’s episode made that nearly impossible. It was chock (Chuck?) full of obvious inconsistencies that took me back to the days of Saved By The Bell – The College Years, when I thought everyone was BFF with their RA (who looked like a wrestler) and could share a mega sweet with their friends from home. Let’s take a look:

1. Nate and Serena’s steamy kitchen love sesh. Not only did Serena come out looking hot in an oversized shirt that would more likely fit Nate’s dad than Nate’s teeny little boy body, but it just so happened that the fridge (the same one Nate “didn’t even know we have”) was fully stocked with foods that would make for the steamiest of sex scenes: whipped cream (in a bowl, not a can), strawberries, caramel….

And why is it that the Nate and Serena sex scenes are so ridiculously hot? (Just me? I guess I did have half a bottle of wine before the show started, but DAYUM, that ish was hot.) What about Chuck and Blair? Or Dan and Vanessa? (We’ll get to them in a momento…)

2. Chuck Wears a Pinky Ring. And, somehow, Blair still loves him.

3. NYU Dorm Party. The last “dorm party” I threw was in my room with the doors locked, making my friends whisper so the RA couldn’t hear us getting drunk. Maybe things are a bit different in the NYU dorms, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have giant theme parties with cocktails and one of those cheesy cut-outs where you can stick your head in for a photo. Seriously, the only realistic thing about that entire party was that Dan and Vanessa sucked face behind the photo wall.

4. Serena Needs to Be Alone. So Serena sticks her nose in Chuck’s business (shocker) and invites his mother to lunch. Chuck writes her a check, she takes it, Chuck hates Serena, Blair reminds Serena that she only meddled because of her own daddy issues. Blah, blah, blah, Serena needs to be alone.. and a cab just pulls up to whisk her away. Have you ever been to NY? I have, and I promise you it is never that easy to hail a cab.

5. Dan and Vanessa wanna “just be friends.” It’s a great idea – best friends who get naked together but don’t let things get too serious – but that’s as likely of happening as me going another month without drinking. Read: things are going to get ugly, complicated, awkward, etc. And someone is going to get hurt.

Also, how could Vanessa ever hook up with a guy who looks so damn weird in a navy ‘beater? I shudder just thinking about it.

6. Jenny and Damien. OK, on second thought, the 15-going-on-30 thing is believable, as is the fact that she got roped into dealing drugs by a cute older guy with a slight obsession with hair gel.

See? Unrealistic. But, that doesn’t take away from the dramz or my love for the show. I was still so happy to see Chuck and his mama hanging out (he smiled!), even if I don’t believe the woman is 100% good. And I, once again, wanted to shake Little J and remind her that she’s so much cuter when she’s not playing the rebel. And I’m a sucker for the Rufus and Lily drama. And Serena and Nate? I can’t wait to see more of them (or, uh, more of their sexy times).

And speaking of sexy time…. is little J gonna have some next week with the pill pusher? We’ll find out!

So here goes:

Tripp is so out, Nate is so in, and finally the world is back in order!

For those of who you who got caught up in the Tripp/Serena drama of last week and were still somehow pulling for this pathetic pushover, let me remind you of all the things he has done wrong since being introduced on Gossip Girl: He had an affair, he lied to Serena and left her in a house with no cable (but some really old pot), he agreed to an “open relationship” with his wife, he abandoned Serena in the midst of a car wreck and could have killed her by moving her, and he lets his psychotic bitch of a wife control him. Oh and did I mention the creepy factor that he’s dating 19-year-old? I mean, even though he’s a pretty hot congressman, that’s still pretty gross.

And the guy is just pathetic. He wants to give up his entire career for a teen socialite? Yeah, she’s got great hair but is that worth giving up your career?  Then he let’s his wife call all the shots, do crazy and illegal things and stands by her as she manipulates the entire UES for her own sick dream of being a politician’s wife (she’s certainly got the wardrobe down pat…). God, I thought Blair was evil, but this Maureen woman makes her look like Mother Theresa.

This entire situation is just one big lesson for all of us: don’t canoodle with a hot, young married politician who has a crazy wife who will bring down your family just so she can do a little wave outside of a helicopter behind the White House. Lesson learned, GG. Lesson learned.

Moving on.

While I was finally able to arouse some compassion for Serena (who wouldn’t when the poor girl’s head is bleeding in the front of an old Range Rover?), most of my heart went out to the one and only Chuck Bass. What? Homeboy looks good when he’s being haunted by his dead father. And we really got to see a side of Chuck that doesn’t come out often enough (much like his naked side…). I have no idea when Blair got to be so understanding and patient, but as Bart’s shadow haunted Chuck, she stuck around and showed her caring and compassionate side time and time again.  And while we all got flashes of Bart Bass, girls crowded around my little 13” TV just to see Chuck’s compassionate side grow.

And then we cried.

But not all of the “couples” on the show found such happiness.  Dan is still pining for Vanessa, but his “I love you” in the heat of the overbearing hospital fluorescent lights (where she was looking rather orange) was unrequited.  Jenny and Erik may have had a 5 second love session by the hospital coffee machine, but I’m pretty sure Drug-Dealin’-Jenny didn’t mean any of it.  And Lily and Rufus are headed for some tough times ahead…even though I STILL don’t know what is in that letter.  (What the hell could it be? I mean, the letter was written to Serena; what could be so bad?) All I can guess is that this isn’t the last we will be hearing from Dr. Van Der Woodsen.

Between Serena’s father and Chuck’s mother (assuming that the tabloids have it right and that was indeed Chuck’s mother), we are all in for a rude awakening come January. Yes, I said January. Because Gossip Girl won’t be back until then. What the hell am I going to do with my Mondays now!?

I guess I’m just gonna have to start back at Season 1…

You know you love them (and will miss them terribly)

XOXO,
GGR