Yes, it’s a little nauseating, but come on; everyone’s looking for a little love come holiday time.

But what makes a good love? A rugged jaw, some tight abs and some sparkling baby blues wouldn’t hurt, but when you get down to it, those are only an added bonus. The shiny gold bangle to your already perfect LBD. The truth is, there are way more important things every guy’s gotta have if he wants the honor of calling us his GF. And no, Pauly D, having a 25-minute daily hair regimen is not one of them.

So here are the 5 things we’re looking for when it comes to finding a boyf.

Makeout Skills:
Let’s be honest – no matter how much you love someone, no boyfriend can reach perfect status if there isn’t any chemistry, and chemistry simply can’t exist if the guy is sucking your nose off. Or licking your gums. Or drooling on your chin. A good boyfriend must have kissing mastered. And that means a variety, people. Sometimes we’re totally into a slow, romantic kiss, while other times we want to go at it like were in junior high and our parents could walk in any minute.

A Job
Of course the shallow reasons hold true; we can’t help it, we’re girls. When we decide to date just one guy, we want to know he can take us out to dinner and a movie every once in a while. We’re not asking for diamond rings, but a gift on Christmas and birthdays is pretty much necessary (call it superficial, but when Christmas rolls around again and all you get is another card, you won’t be happy). But beyond the material things, holding a job is usually a good sign of character. Chances are he’s up before noon, has a good work ethic and has a future beyond his mom’s couch.

A Sense of Humor
The physical attraction is only going to keep us interested for so long. Especially when he starts opting for cheeseburgers instead of trips to the gym and that 6-pack begins to soften up a bit. So there obviously has to be things about his personality that have us coming back for more. And while being compassionate or hardworking or loads of fun is important, more often than not it’s the guy with the good sense of humor that hooks us. We want someone who will make us laugh so hard we pee once in awhile. That’s normal, right?

An Equal Desire for Fun and Romance
There are some nights where we just want to get into our sweats and cuddle on the couch watching movies all night. But the next night we’re ready to slip into some heels and go out dancing. A good boyfriend also has this desire (to party…not slip into a pair of heels). We don’t want a boyfriend who wants to sit home all the time, but someone who is out every night of the week is no good either. It’s all about balance (and/or a mutual respect for all things Gaga).

Love for My Dog
Sorry, but before he came along my pooch was the one snuggling up next to me at night, sharing my dinner and watching TV curled up with on the couch. If you don’t love my dog as much as I do, it’s just not going to work out. Plus, a guy who doesn’t love animals is missing a piece of his heart… if he even has one.

What else do you guys think a good boyfriend must have?

Question for Tuffy Luv? Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m quite upset that I have to write to you again, but you gave such great advice last time that I would love hear from you again. I’m the short-skirted floozy who wrote to you about a month ago, and unfortunately, the situation has NOT improved. I’ve been following your advice – I wear my conservative clothes to her house, and even wear bike shorts under my dresses and skirts. I attend all the family functions to which I’m invited and spend quality time with the whole family when I’m at his house instead of hiding out in his room. We even made them dinner and dessert one night!

Recently, the boyfriend and I went on several weekend trips, which, given that he’s 19, shouldn’t be a huge deal. Momma wasn’t pleased with the idea, but she eventually gave in and let it go. We figured that maybe she was finally realizing that he’s growing up and away, like all children are supposed to. However, with back-to-school looming, the leash is getting shorter and shorter.

It all started the other night: His whole family was at a family friend’s house. Momma got a little tipsy and started spouting off about “bitches who steal sons away from their parents and never let them talk to them again.” She said she wished she had a daughter (she has two sons, BF is the older) because “a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he chooses a wife” and how “girlfriends never realize that it’s the mother who raised them and she just gets to reap the benefits.” This was all in front of me; I was sitting right next to her at the table. It all seemed quite pointed, given that I’m BF’s first girlfriend and his younger brother has yet to have one.

Just today, Boyfriend let her know that he was going to the mall with me to pick out some new clothes for school. She began to make an issue out of how the clothes we buy together never seem to fit him. The only clothes we have ever bought together are a pair of nice khaki Dockers that are, as far as I can tell, the best fitting pants he has. Then she went on about how I spend money carelessly and make him spend more that he should. His father asked him why he couldn’t just go shopping with his mother, and he responded by asking why he couldn’t just go with me. His dad said “Because your mother is paying” and BF responded “Well, then I can just pay.” He told them we had dinner plans and he had to leave. When we got back tonight, he told her he didn’t buy anything, just tried things on, because we could get better discounts online. She asked where he was buying from, and he told her American Eagle. She’s strictly a Kohl’s/Walmart person. She rolled her eyes and said something about how it was too expensive, especially with shipping. I let her know that they had a  promotion where if you spent $75+ you got free shipping, that the clothes were buy 1 get 1 half off, and we had a 20% off coupon on top of it. She just responded “And what can you get for $75 from there? Jean and a T-shirt? I want to see these clothes before you order them.” (Yes, really.)

Honestly, in the past few weeks she’s gotten even more overbearing and possessive, referring to him as “my son” constantly. We head back to college on Friday, and I’m counting the minutes. I just don’t know what to do about her anymore? He’s going to be 20 in a month, and she’s only pushing him away and making his frustrated with all the babying she’s doing. Is there any way I can tell her that she’s pushing him away without risking even more of her ire?

XOXO,
Son Thief

Dear Son Thief (aka Short Skirted Floozy),

Teehee. Flattery will get you everywhere.

But before I address your question, I’mma say two quick things to all you readas out there:

(1) A lot of you send me questions and then say “please don’t post this” or “please respond to me on email.” I don’t do that. I either answer your question in this column or not at all. Sorry.

(2) I LOVE hearing from you kidsos a second time!!! I’m psyched to hear from Shirt Skirted Floozy again. Aunt Tuffy gets such a lil’ ol’ kick out of hearing the follow-up. So write a second time! I velcome it!

Okay, now onto your question, Son Thief.

This woman is OUT. OF. CONTROL. She is completely possessive and demented. It’s getting to be like a TV drama. She has got to calm down.

Tuffy’s guess is that, frankly, she just doesn’t like you and she’s never going to. Sorry. This is not a reflection on you AT ALL–try to remember that! She just cannot let go of her son. It’s like some crazypsychosexual thing. It’s like a Tennessee Williams play up in here.

And look. Loop knows I love a good American Family Drama. But this shoop?! Not okay.

You’re going back to college with him soon, yes? He won’t be living in his mother’s house? GREAT. I change my advice from before. Being more conservative obviously will not work with this woman. I still say that you should NEVER say anything bad to him about his mother.

But now I also say:

AVOID AVOID AVOID

Keep the SHOOP outta her way. She is NOT good to mess with. While you’re in college, forget about her. And when summer comes, plan to stay as far away from her as possible. Don’t hang out at her house. Don’t go on family dinners. And when your presence is absolutely necessary (say, a holiday or birthday party or something like that), just continue to be sweet as punch to her.

As for the whole clothes thing–SO not worth arguing about. What the floop does it matter?! If your boyfriend is paying, it’s not her decision–but it’s also not yours. If he wants to buy the clothes, you butt out and let him explain it to Mommy. And don’t go around making fun of her bad taste; that will win you NO points with her or your boyfriend OR karma.

You will not win with this woman. Call it a tie and get thee to college.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Is our relationship an obligation to him?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. Things between us are simply awesome. We are best friends and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

Recently, my boyfriend moved into his own apartment. Since this happened, all we ever do is stay in and watch movies on the couch. That’s fine and all, but we haven’t had a “date night” in over two months. He says it’s because he’s trying to save money for bills, gas and groceries. I totally understand that, but he is a college grad with what I refer to as ”a grown up job” with the government and makes more than enough money for food, gas, bills and date night. I’ve offered to take him out to dinner and a movie, but he feels uncomfortable with me paying, since I am a broke college kid. I’m starting to believe he’s just cheap.

Any advice?
-Sick of that Damn Couch

Dear Sick of that Damn Couch,

I believe you believe correctly. Your boy’s stingy. Now why he’s stingy is pretty simple: He’s scared of not having enough money. He’s scared of being broke. He’s scared of not having enough to be his own person. He’s scared of not having security. He’s scared of not having control over his life and how he can live it in the way he wants to live it. That’s one chain of logic that I can come up with. There are other variations of it but that’s as good as another. Now we know the status quo. You’re real question is, what do you do next?

First, to get it out of the way, let’s deal with his dumbass pride of not letting you pay for date night. That’s all part in parcel with his issues. He wants to be a breadwinner and feels like it makes him weak if you take the lead. That’s stupid. Really stupid. Buttmonkey dumb. No question. It’s not a partnership if one person pays for everything. No relationship will ever be 50-50 but hopefully it’s an alternating 60-40. This is something you’ve got to try to talk through with him. Try not to yell or attack him at first, if you can. Tell him it makes you feel unappreciated. Tell him you understand if he’s trying to help you save what little you have but that you’re your own person who can look after herself. How you spend your money isn’t his business and it’s insulting when he tries to tell you how. You might have to have this talk several times before it sinks in (usually it takes reinforcement with the knuckleheads) but if he’s worth it then he’ll keep listening and will hear you. If he’s not, well, then you’ve got some bigger issues to deal with, like whether you want to be with someone who can’t accept his partner being her own person.

Onto the more practical stuff…Look, with an unstable economy pinching pennies is good policy. His intent is a great one. However, sometimes people are so obsessed over what could or could not happen that they forget to enjoy the moment they’re in. It’s a tough balance that plenty of people never are able to strike. That’s how you end up with some people spending everything before they’ve even received a check and others that hoard cash like mint condition baseball cards they’ll be buried with. The best thing you can do is work with his fears rather than simply contradict him.

One of the great practical skills of growing up is learning how to make and stick to a budget. This is something I suggest you do with him. You’re partners in love. Ask him about his finances, look at the costs, look at how much income he brings in a month and suggest that you both start setting aside so much money a month for date nights, movie nights, show nights, comics, or all other forms of personal pleasures you enjoy. This is a practical, responsible, and understanding way to work through this with him rather than fighting against him.

Fear can’t usually be overcome as easily with shoving someone into the light as it can by leading them into it. A lot of people let their impatience or their own fears overcome a sense of compassion in dealing with the other person’s issues. They can’t understand why their boyfriend doesn’t just “get it” that they’re wrong and need to change. So they write them off and give up on them before being willing to do the hard work. Relationships are hard work but it shouldn’t feel like obligation. That’s the ideal. That’s what we all hope we’re lucky enough to find. You’re going to have to do some hard work with him to work through this.

If you love him, as you say you do, and he loves you, as you say he does, then you’ll make it. Again, it’s all about having patience, making an effort, and working around his fears rather than coming off like you’re attacking him. It’s not about ego stroking, it’s about understanding.

Help each other find your balance. That’s what working at love is.

Bailing you out,
The Dude

The part I’m least excited about (besides having to turn off my CrackBerry until the flight attendants tell me I can turn it back on) is leaving David behind. Alas, he doesn’t get to accompany me on my awesome trip (it’s for business) and all week I’ve been getting ready to leave him all on his own for 5 whole days.

As he’ been so lovingly, gently reminding me all week, he is in fact a full grown man capable of taking care of himself. He did it for 20 years before he met me, and according to him he’s still got the hang of that. While I do realize that he’ll be fine while I’m gone, after living with him and taking care of our home (and his dirty laundry…) I can’t help but think (OK, hope) he’ll feel just a teeny bit lost whilst I’m gone.

After all, this will help him come to the realization that I’m totally indispensable, which has been my master plan all along. But, I don’t want to leave him high and dry, so I did fully stock our freezer full of a weekend’s worth of man-food (aka microwaveable and artery clogging). And I am leaving him a “HoneyDew” list, both because I freaking love the name of it and because it’s got all kinds of unpleasant things I’d rather not deal with on it. Hopefully, I’ll come home to a clean home with new air conditioner filters, a newly installed printer and no more laundry to do.

In all actuality though, David will be totally fine without me (and probably won’t get much on that list done). I’m seeing a lot of ESPN, absence of pants, farting, Bud Light and PS3 Bro extravaganzas in his future. So while he’s bummed he can’t go on an awesome trip, I’m pretty sure he’s looking forward to turning our house into a giant man cave for 5 days.

But seriously, when did I get so protective of him? I’m not his mother, and last semester I had to fly to a different conference or leadership convention every other weekend. I guess living with him has made me a little bit crazy, but it definitely feels weird to worry (just a smidge) about leaving him on his own for such a short amount of time. Whaddya think? Am I insane for being anxious about leaving him? Or do you know what I’m talking about?

Yes, it’s a little nauseating, but come on; everyone’s looking for a little love come holiday time.

But what makes a good love? A rugged jaw, some tight abs and some sparkling baby blues wouldn’t hurt, but when you get down to it, those are only an added bonus. The shiny gold bangle to your already perfect LBD. The truth is, there are way more important things every guy’s gotta have if he wants the honor of calling us his GF. And no, Pauly D, having a 25-minute daily hair regimen is not one of them.

So here are the 5 things we’re looking for when it comes to finding a boyf.

Makeout Skills:
Let’s be honest – no matter how much you love someone, no boyfriend can reach perfect status if there isn’t any chemistry, and chemistry simply can’t exist if the guy is sucking your nose off. Or licking your gums. Or drooling on your chin. A good boyfriend must have kissing mastered. And that means a variety, people. Sometimes we’re totally into a slow, romantic kiss, while other times we want to go at it like were in junior high and our parents could walk in any minute.

A Job
Of course the shallow reasons hold true; we can’t help it, we’re girls. When we decide to date just one guy, we want to know he can take us out to dinner and a movie every once in a while. We’re not asking for diamond rings, but a gift on Christmas and birthdays is pretty much necessary (call it superficial, but when Christmas rolls around again and all you get is another card, you won’t be happy). But beyond the material things, holding a job is usually a good sign of character. Chances are he’s up before noon, has a good work ethic and has a future beyond his mom’s couch.

A Sense of Humor
The physical attraction is only going to keep us interested for so long. Especially when he starts opting for cheeseburgers instead of trips to the gym and that 6-pack begins to soften up a bit. So there obviously has to be things about his personality that have us coming back for more. And while being compassionate or hardworking or loads of fun is important, more often than not it’s the guy with the good sense of humor that hooks us. We want someone who will make us laugh so hard we pee once in awhile. That’s normal, right?

An Equal Desire for Fun and Romance
There are some nights where we just want to get into our sweats and cuddle on the couch watching movies all night. But the next night we’re ready to slip into some heels and go out dancing. A good boyfriend also has this desire (to party…not slip into a pair of heels). We don’t want a boyfriend who wants to sit home all the time, but someone who is out every night of the week is no good either. It’s all about balance (and/or a mutual respect for all things Gaga).

Love for My Dog
Sorry, but before he came along my pooch was the one snuggling up next to me at night, sharing my dinner and watching TV curled up with on the couch. If you don’t love my dog as much as I do, it’s just not going to work out. Plus, a guy who doesn’t love animals is missing a piece of his heart… if he even has one.

What else do you guys think a good boyfriend must have?

Single. Free. Blissfully happy.

[Alright ladies, let's give a big CollegeCandy welcome (Read: raise those shot glasses!) to our new single lady! Her name is Emmy and she's a single gal living it up in Chi-town. She's hot, smart...and nowhere near ready to put a ring on it.]

Back in August, my mother and I were standing in Target debating exactly which organizational bins I would need for college when she turned to me and said, “Emmy, please don’t date anyone seriously at the beginning of college. I really don’t want you to get tied down too early.”

Alright, so this was a random topic of discussion for the Home Organization aisle of Target, but I still found myself taking my mom’s opinion seriously. After all, the woman knew her stuff when it came to under-bed storage, so surely she was a wise sage in all things relationship. The truth is, staying single for the beginning of college had been my plan anyway. I dated the same boy for the last three years of high school and being single is a relatively new experience for me. One that I am figuring out and not yet ready to give up. The breakup process was beyond painful, but now I am learning to really enjoy being a single girl.

Yes, sometimes I miss having that male shoulder perpetually there to cry on, and a standing date if there is nothing better to do on a Friday night. For the most part though, I just feel free. I am not always glued to my phone texting or talking to him. I have no one else’s opinion or schedule to take into account. I am not someone’s girlfriend, but rather a person in my own right. I don’t feel guilty when other guys ask me out. I can genuinely enjoy getting to know all the new people, boys included, that I am meeting with no qualms. Plus, it’s a lot more fun to go to parties when you are free to flirt and dance all you want. Then leave and share a large pizza with your girls.

I finally gained back the control over my own life that I didn’t even realize I’d given up. I just finished mapping out my four-year plan for college. It was so exciting, and I realized that at this point in my life, my academic ambitions are trumping my need to find a boy worth dating.  Silly as it might sound, I was reminded that I am an individual, with goals of my own.

At this point, I am not in any rush to be in a relationship. This is my time to focus on me. It might sound selfish, but I am excited! When else am I going to have the opportunity to study in a different country for a year and not feel guilty for leaving everyone behind? I know that the experiences I have on my own will help me define myself more clearly and make whatever relationships I do have in the future that much healthier.

I am having a great time in college thus far; I have a great group of friends and a perpetually full calendar. It seems like I am always meeting new boys and not immediately looking at them as potential dates makes getting to know them as actual people easier.

So for maybe the first time in my life, I am actually following my mom’s advice. I understand the importance of taking time to be single for awhile and the benefits it will have for me in the long run.

Just don’t let my mom know that I was actually listening!

I came into college with a well thought-out plan of what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to go to film school, live in Los Angeles, be a writer for television and maybe one day direct movies.

I never figured a boyfriend into my whole equation.

So now that I have one it feels like I have to somehow stick to my plan and ambitions while figuring in someone else’s. It’s MUCH harder than it sounds.

I’m from a medium sized city that was boring as hell growing up. I couldn’t wait to go to a big college in a big city to get away. I like being busy, I like having a lot of people to befriend, and I love being so close to Austin’s famous sixth street and live bands. I’ve always been a city girl and I want to stay a city girl. Matt, on the other hand, is a homebody. He’s from a small city and would much rather go back to live there (or somewhere like it) after college. He hates big cities because the driving is too dangerous, crime is high, and he is very content staying at home every night. Even though we’re in the same major, he wants to work at small town TV stations while I want to work in Hollywood.

Big difference in opinions…so what do we do about it?

I bet you’re thinking that this is supposed to be the part where I shed my somewhat wise opinion on the matter, but honestly, I don’t know what to do either. I want to be my own woman but if I’m going to stay with Matt the rest of my life (and that’s my plan) there’s going to have to be some sacrifices. It comes with the territory. And these sacrifices aren’t even something I mind. Yeah, when I started out on this journey I had big, lofty goals of Hollywood, but things have changed and now I’ve got something else (something wonderful) to consider in my planning.

I’ve laid the ground rules out and Matt and I have come to a few conclusions. He’s agreed to put my career first because he can pretty much work anywhere with what he wants to do. That means that it’s up to me to choose which city works best for me and he’ll make it work. That being said, I’m not going to force LA down Matt’s throat knowing how he feels about it, so I’m going to look everywhere but LA first.

And that’s where we’re at. He’s making concessions for me and I’m making concessions for him. We’re both holding onto our futures and our plans, they’re both just a little different than how we first imagined them. And I don’t know how this is all going to work, but it’s working for now and that’s all that really matters.

Anyone out there got some advice for people in this sort of situation? Have you given up your future to follow someone else? Has someone done that for you? Share!

Question for Tuffaleh?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and get that shiz answered!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a wonderful, sweet boyfriend who I’ve been with for over a year. We were friends at first, and I always liked him from the moment we met freshman year (I’m a junior now) when we hooked up a few times casually but then seriously got together a year later. Things have been great so far but there’s one big problem: I’m very dependent on him. I try to spend as much time as I can with him, and although I have a close group of friends and get good grades, I put him as my number one priority. He doesn’t do that. He is involved in a lot of stuff outside of me, and even his friends have expressed that they want him to spend less time with me and more with them.

But Tuffy, I get anxious when he leaves me. We sleep together every night and I have gotten upset to the point of crying when I have to say goodbye to him in the morning. If he goes on vacation with his family or is away for long periods of time, I miss him terribly. I’m seriously attached, and I know it’s unhealthy. Help!

Separation Anxiety Girl

Dear SAP,

Honey, on the one hand, I want to say this is very sweet. You obviously really love this guy (and if he’s sleeping with you every single night of college, he probably loves you too) and it’s always nice to see.

BUT! Like you said, this ain’t healthy.

The good news is, you’re very, very close to a great relationship. You guys already get along, you’re happy, you’re loving, and you’re glowing with love and all that crap. All you have to fix is this one little issue and you’re set.
So here’s what you do: Make a list of things you like to do. Cross everything that he also likes to do or that you do with him off the list. What’s left?

Take the activities that are left on your list and schedule yourself to do at least one of them every week. Set aside time (say, Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings, or whatever works with your schedule) where you do one of the activities on your list, or you go have time with friends, or you even just have some lil’ ol’ date time with yourself. Boom, you’ve found your independence again. And I promise you will soon realize how much you missed it.

But if there’s nothing on your list after you’ve crossed him off it, you got bigger problems, my friend. In this case, I would advise you to take a little time off from your relationship. It sounds harsh and awful and you would never want to do it but, honey, you have to.  It’s not worth losing yourself in someone else. That’s not love. That’s obsession.

The point is to distinguish yourself from him. See? You can have fun without him. And Tuffster bets that the time you have WITH him will be even better for it.

Best of luck, SAP! Do this for a month and I bet you guys will be better than ever.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

I’ve become the one that everyone else comes to for advice or when they have an awkward relationship/sex questions.

Case in point: Last week I was at the gym with my friend who is one of the sweetest, most innocent girls you could meet. We were jogging around the track just doin’ our thing when she asked me if she could ask a bit of an embarrassing question. “Of course,” I huffed, not knowing what to expect. Especially knowing what came next.

“What’s giving a blow job like?”

I couldn’t believe one of my best friends, especially her, was asking me such a blunt question! On the track! But I realized that it took a lot for her to ask me that and that she must really value my opinion (considering I’ve never even heard her use that term before!), so I gave her the best description I could and answered all of her related questions. Quietly, of course, there were other people running around us.

Having a serious relationship has turned me into the go-to girl for my friends with relationship questions. They have told me that they know I’ve been through a lot and they value my advice. And I have to admit, giving out relationship advice is kind of fun! I like being the all-knowing sage and helping people who may not be where I am with Matt. It’s my unique way of contributing to the group when they’re all sharing stories and that I can no longer relate to. It makes me feel wanted and connected to a group that I sometimes worry I’m growing apart from.

And it’s not just the girl’s asking, either; my guy friends have been asking me everything from “I have two girls interested in me, what do I do?” to “what should I get my girlfriend for our anniversary?” I’m not saying that I have all the answers when it comes to dating and relationships (far from it), but it seems like having a serious boyfriend makes me the most qualified adviser of the group and everyone’s stopping by my office for a little insight.

And I love it. Yeah, sometimes it’s hard to deal with the fact that I live a very different life than my single friends, but I’m learning that there are some perks to being the mom of the group.  It’s nice knowing that people think you’re doing something right. It’s nice to be trusted. And it’s really nice to be the first person think of when they need a little help.

Question for Tuffaleh?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for the answers of your dreams. Or, perhaps, public humiliation. It depends.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I moved to the US from Africa in Spring 2006 for college. I had a boyfriend when I moved and we had been dating for over a year by then.We stayed in contact everyday via email, phone, facebook, video messaging and I always went back at least twice every year and spent about 2 weeks with him each time. Everything was fine until summer ’07 came around and I started to have friends and go out more. I met this guy that reminded me so much of my boyfriend (talk,act and even smelt alike). We started getting pretty close until he found out I had a boyfriend. We kinda drifted apart after that but every time we saw each other (like at a party) sparks start to fly again.

I finally got intimate with him 1 year after we met, but stopped seeing him after my boyfriend found out 2 weeks later (we are continents apart and he still found out). My boyfriend broke up with me and it took months of begging him over the phone and a $2,000 airplane ticket to get him back. I was genuinely sorry and I stopped all contact with the other guy. But then I go home this summer and we start to run into each other again. It started off with us locking eyes across the room to little flirts until I found myself in his bed again.

My boyfriend will not find out this time because I’m being EXTRA careful but I feel horrible cuz I have feelings for this other dude and it doesn’t help that I know he likes me too. I’m losing my mind because I don’t wanna loose my man but a part of me wants to keep holding on to the other guy. Summer is coming to an end but I know he’s gonna remain on my mind even after I return to school. What should I do?I’m in desperate need of advice.

I love my boyfriend so leaving him is not an option but how do I love him and really, really like someone else at the same time?

–Confused

Dear Confused,

Actually, believe it or not, I’m not going to tell you to forget this guy. I’m going to tell you to forget your boyfriend.

First of all, I wanna say this: You’re doing years of long distance, and that’s hard. I do, however, think that it’s possible (as evidenced by many, many couples throughout history) if both people are really devoted. Unfortunately, you’re not.

Yes, you love your boyfriend. I believe you. But you cheated on him, girl! You cheated on him in two separate chunks!! The first time you only stopped because he caught you, and then you started up AGAIN and are taking precautions not to get caught! This is some seriously bad karma. You better cut that shiz out.

Sorry, honey. I have no pity for you. No one is forcing you to cheat. You know it’s unacceptable to the man you love and that he’d be horribly hurt if he found out, but you continue to do it. That’s some really sick love you got going there.

You are not exempt from being a decent human being just because you’re a girl.

So, here’s my advice:

Tell the boyfriend you’ve been sleeping with someone else. Give him the option to make it an open relationship (because, hey, then you get exactly what you want anyway). He’s probably going to choose to end it, but at least you’ll have stopped lying to him (and cheating on him, and humiliating him, and using him). When that’s all done, you can keep sleeping with this other guy or not–up to you. But I would really recommend that, if you love someone, you don’t treat them like this. Lying to strangers is screwed up; lying to someone you love is unforgivable.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv