I am in the most amazing, secure and satisfying relationship I have ever been in but there is just one so-called “problem”; after nearly a year and a half, neither of us have said, “I love you.”

Now I know what this probably sounds like to some, or possibly even most, of you. (Believe me, I see it in the facial expressions of concerned friends and hear it in the tone of their strongly worded reactions.) There is obviously a clear issue here, right? Well, actually, I’m not so sure.

Now, to be honest, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that part of me (the part that sometimes, uncontrollably slips into this cliché, fairytale, chick flick inspired way of thinking that all love stories have basically 1 of 3 plots) at times wishes one of us would just find the courage to come out and say it already. I mean, it’s been long enough! And the pressure from friends and family who act like this is the biggest thing in the world to be concerned about, only adds fuel to this flame.

However, my usual, more sane, more rational and level-headed reaction to all of this is, “Who really cares?” Is actually saying that phrase really as significant or necessary as everyone our age makes it out to be? I mean, isn’t it true that actions should speak louder than words?

We are currently in a world where nearly every word in the “relationship dictionary” is rapidly being redefined. Take the word, meaning and supposed “sacredness” of marriage, for instance. It’s being entirely altered by things like the exceptionally high divorce rate (and the never ending publicity about celebrity divorces and adultery in the press). Or what about the many different names have we come up with in the last decade to define the new, modern, complicated relationships that keep arising: open relationship, no strings attached, friends with benefits, just hooking up… the list continues. Who even knows what the proper meaning and context of monogamy and love is these days.

It seems silly that no one would take a step back from all this to take the time to redefine the word love in its modern sense. I mean, I don’t think it’s necessarily unreasonable to think that with everything that’s going on in today’s world it’s practically inevitable that the word and definition of love is taking on a very different meaning as well. But it doesn’t seem people view it that way. It is still constantly being used, seen and heard by everyone, everywhere: in the songs on the radio, on television, in movies, and in real life, of course. I find it troubling when everyone throws the “L-word” out there so quickly and carelessly in their relationships; it makes it hard to take the word seriously anymore.

I think young people need to wake up and realize we’re not in high school anymore. Love should no longer mean the same trivial thing as it did then, a time when I too used the word so frequently and freely in all my silly little relationships. I’m no longer calling my boyfriend at all hours of the night, trying to convince him to sneak out to be with me or sending him passive aggressive texts about his rude and standoffish behavior. Instead, there is respect, trust, mutual understanding. It is obvious that we care a great deal about each other. I’m not sure I’m ready, or that it is necessary, to use the word love so loosely as I have in the past. I don’t need it in order to feel closer to him or to try and make our relationship stronger or more serious. I am completely satisfied with where we are in all those areas. So, if it is as monumental of a word as everyone makes out to be, then I don’t think it’s wrong to assume that choosing to wait a long time in order to exchange these precious words with your significant other—choosing to not make that substantial of a promise and commitment so quickly and easily—may not be such a bad thing. Perhaps it could even be considered advisable to some.

So help try and clarify something for me here; I must be missing something. Does using and exchanging this phrase help to somehow legitimize the relationship to both the participating members and its observers? And if so, why? Should that really be the case?

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost all of college (we’re seniors) and he’s my perfect guy. I never believed in soul mates until I met him. We get along great, we have so much in common, we have almost all the same friends, and it’s just a great situation.

Perfect, right? Well, I thought so.

We’ve  been making plans to move in together, and he seemed totally fine with that, but a couple of week ago I mentioned in passing something about getting married (I know, I know) and he threw a major curveball at me. It turns out that he won’t marry me–unless I convert to Catholicism.

I never knew this was a big deal for him. He doesn’t seem to be very religious (I’ve never seen him go to church except Christmas and Easter) and he’s never brought this up before. But when we talked about it a couple of weeks ago he was really clear that I would need to convert or else it wasn’t going to work.

I thought about it for a while. I’m not religious so I thought, hey, what the heck, maybe I should just do it for him. But then I started getting kind of mad. Why do I have to pretend I believe in something that he never even told me he cared about before? I think it would really upset my parents and, actually, I think it would really upset me, too. I don’t think I should have to pretend to be something I’m not.

I don’t know if I should be mad or break up with him before it goes any further or convert or what. Also, don’t you think it’s kind of suspicious? He can move in with me but he can’t marry me? Is this BS because he just doesn’t want to marry me?

I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Until then, I am

Not Converting

Dear Not Converting,

Okay, this is like–really deep. So–noseplugs, readers.

There’s sort of two possibilities here, neither of which works out in your favor:

(1) It’s bullshoop and he doesn’t want to marry you

or

(2) He is genuinely religious and just doesn’t really practice.

Let’s look at #1 first, because it’s much easier (although maybe suckier).

So, let’s say it’s bullshoop and he doesn’t want to marry you. In this case, it’s like–well, frankly, NC, you’re coming right out of college. No rule says you have to get married at 22. Why not wait a little while and feel it out?! What’s the flooping rush?!

I mean, there’s a 50% divorce rate in the USA, right?! CAN’T WE ALL PLEASE DATE A LITTLE LONGER AND MAKE THINGS EASIER ON OURSELVES?! The fact is, you can never REALLLLLLLLY know another person, no matter how close you are or how much you love them (or even how much you stalk them). But the better you get to know them (read: date for a few years AS AN ADULT at LEAST), the better chance you have of actually, you know, staying together.

And you reallllllly don’t know what living together (especially with adult responsibilities, like rent and jobs) will be like until you do it. You might find out your lifestyles aren’t compatible after all.

So, in other words, if #1 is the reason, I’d say give him a year or two before you mention the marriage thing again. If he’s still resistant–well, then you can think about dumping him. Because, frankly, you should NOT marry someone who doesn’t want to marry YOU.

Okay, now let’s say it’s #2 (reminder: “He is genuinely religious and just doesn’t really practice.”). This is more complicated.

Because, like, you can’t change how you feel.

That sounds dumb, right? But, unfortunately, it’s true.

Just as you, rightfully, feel unable and in fact dishonest about completely changing your worldview, so too does Monsieur Religiouspants find it distasteful to change HIS worldview. And, sorry to say, that’s completely fair.

Well, the truth is, if he really can’t get past the fact that you two are not the same religion, and you really feel strongly about not changing that–then the two of you shouldn’t be together.

I would hope, to be honest, that, if everything else really is as perfect as you say, I would HOPE that you two could find a way to work things out. For instance, you could decide to raise the kids Catholic for him and attend church services with him, as long as he understands that you can’t in good faith (ha! Tuffy!) pretend to be something you’re not.

However, this is a very idealistic look at the situation. Chances are, if it’s an issue of his worrying that you, and possibly he, will be damned, he’s not going to be able to commit. Religious is a very personal and very touchy subject. You have to respect each other’s beliefs.

Frankly, honey, I hope you can work this out. (And I hope he’s not just bullshooping you to get out of marriage, that sneaky bashtard.) Tuffy herself is in an interfaith relationship, and we’ve been able to make it work by respecting each other and trying to participate in each other’s shoop without losing our own.

But, ultimately, you have to be honest with yourselves: Are you both willing to make a compromise on something that’s so important to each of you? Only the two of you can decide that.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Want more tough love? Get it.]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two and a half years and although I don’t really believe in soul mates, I can honestly claim that he is mine. I try to think reasonably and tell myself that this can’t be real love but after all this time I still believe that there will never be anyone as right for me as him and that he is the man I want to have a life with.

I never wanted anything serious with the guy. I was only turning seventeen when we started going out and never expected for the whole thing to go so well. Even though I noticed that I had a connection with him that I’ve never had with other guys, I always thought that we could break up over some stupid thing and I never thought ahead as far as our relationship went. But then came the “I love you,” and the first time (for the both of us), and we got accepted into the same college and things kinda got serious. Those were the happiest two years of my life – we have never had big fights, only insignificant quarrels and I can’t see a single thing about him that would drive me away. Now he wants us to move in together next semester and I realize that I want to live with him, too.

There’s just one problem. I used to be a real shut-in in high school and didn’t really get around as much as others my age. I only ever had one boyfriend before him and am not exactly very experienced in these kinds of things. Now that I’m in college and I’m a lot more outgoing, adventurous and, well, hotter than I used to be, I find myself wishing I was single just so I could try all this stuff college girls do – go on dates, have one-night stands, you know, things like that. I’m just a huge romantic and I used to dream of exploring new emotions and having a little drama in my life, because that’s what college is, right? I feel like if I stay with my boyfriend, I will grow into an old woman years before other girls my age and will always wonder what life would have been like if I had broken up with him.

I guess in this particular case it really isn’t him; it’s me that’s the problem. I just don’t want to lose the nicest, smartest guy I know who happens to adore me, but I’m afraid after a couple of years I might start hating him for making me lose the best years of my life. If there is such a possibility, should I risk it and end it now, or should I leave things the way they are now?

Sincerely,
Stupid Heart

Dear Stupid Heart,

NO. BAD GIRL.

Don’t be stoopid, okay?! If you find yourself becoming interested in another guy or finding the boyf is getting in the way, then–yes, THEN–you should break up with him. But for now, you love him, he loves you–what the floop?! You know how many people would kill for this?!

I have to tell you, life does NOT end with college. I know a ton of women in their late twenties and even early thirties who are still going out and having wild nights all the time. But here’s a little newsflash:

Do you know why people are HAVING crazy experiences like the ones you’re worried about missing out on?! Because they’re trying to FIND what you already HAVE.

Yes, having Crazy College Funtimes is good. I mean, you’re young, it’s good to go out and have fun (SAFE SEX ONLY PLEEZ). But if you’re already happy, why the floop fix what ain’t broke?!

Instead, have fun experiences WITH your guy. Go do new things TOGETHER. But also make sure you have the space to go out WITHOUT him, with your girlfriends, so you can have the standard crazy experiences–just without the sleeping around part. That’s really the less fun stuff anyway. Ask everyone in their 20s.

You can absolutely have insane nights out and still be faithful to the man you’re in love with. Honey, seriously!!! You can have it all here!!! Please don’t break up what sounds like a wonderful relationship just because of what you’ve heard college is supposed to be.

Who knows. Maybe Soul Matey and you will break up after you try living together. Hey, you’re young, that happens, and that’s fine. But don’t do it just to have experiences you may or may not even want. Go and have the wild and crazy nights, and come home to your lovepants. Okay, yes, you won’t be able to have sex with other men. But you WILL have adventures and you’ll STILL have the man you’re in love with. And that’s just beautiful.

Seriously, life is so hard and heartbreak is so unavoidable–can’t you just let yourself keep the happiness you already have?

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[What do you think about Stupid Heart? Get your discussion on below. Oh, and get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.]

I am in the most amazing, secure and satisfying relationship I have ever been in but there is just one so-called “problem”; after nearly a year and a half, neither of us have said, “I love you.”

Now I know what this probably sounds like to some, or possibly even most, of you. (Believe me, I see it in the facial expressions of concerned friends and hear it in the tone of their strongly worded reactions.) There is obviously a clear issue here, right? Well, actually, I’m not so sure.

Now, to be honest, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that part of me (the part that sometimes, uncontrollably slips into this cliché, fairytale, chick flick inspired way of thinking that all love stories have basically 1 of 3 plots) at times wishes one of us would just find the courage to come out and say it already. I mean, it’s been long enough! And the pressure from friends and family who act like this is the biggest thing in the world to be concerned about, only adds fuel to this flame.

However, my usual, more sane, more rational and level-headed reaction to all of this is, “Who really cares?” Is actually saying that phrase really as significant or necessary as everyone our age makes it out to be? I mean, isn’t it true that actions should speak louder than words?

We are currently in a world where nearly every word in the “relationship dictionary” is rapidly being redefined. Take the word, meaning and supposed “sacredness” of marriage, for instance. It’s being entirely altered by things like the exceptionally high divorce rate (and the never ending publicity about celebrity divorces and adultery in the press). Or what about the many different names have we come up with in the last decade to define the new, modern, complicated relationships that keep arising: open relationship, no strings attached, friends with benefits, just hooking up… the list continues. Who even knows what the proper meaning and context of monogamy and love is these days.

It seems silly that no one would take a step back from all this to take the time to redefine the word love in its modern sense. I mean, I don’t think it’s necessarily unreasonable to think that with everything that’s going on in today’s world it’s practically inevitable that the word and definition of love is taking on a very different meaning as well. But it doesn’t seem people view it that way. It is still constantly being used, seen and heard by everyone, everywhere: in the songs on the radio, on television, in movies, and in real life, of course. I find it troubling when everyone throws the “L-word” out there so quickly and carelessly in their relationships; it makes it hard to take the word seriously anymore.

I think young people need to wake up and realize we’re not in high school anymore. Love should no longer mean the same trivial thing as it did then, a time when I too used the word so frequently and freely in all my silly little relationships. I’m no longer calling my boyfriend at all hours of the night, trying to convince him to sneak out to be with me or sending him passive aggressive texts about his rude and standoffish behavior. Instead, there is respect, trust, mutual understanding. It is obvious that we care a great deal about each other. I’m not sure I’m ready, or that it is necessary, to use the word love so loosely as I have in the past. I don’t need it in order to feel closer to him or to try and make our relationship stronger or more serious. I am completely satisfied with where we are in all those areas. So, if it is as monumental of a word as everyone makes out to be, then I don’t think it’s wrong to assume that choosing to wait a long time in order to exchange these precious words with your significant other—choosing to not make that substantial of a promise and commitment so quickly and easily—may not be such a bad thing. Perhaps it could even be considered advisable to some.

So help try and clarify something for me here; I must be missing something. Does using and exchanging this phrase help to somehow legitimize the relationship to both the participating members and its observers? And if so, why? Should that really be the case?

Dear Dude,

I have been dating my boyfriend for two months or so now. Unfortunately, he goes to another college and we don’t see each other as often as we would like. Neither of us dated in high school; neither of us has any experience with dating or sex. Recently, the time we do have together has been getting very sexual. He is a little bolder than I am (although always a gentleman) and the last time we saw each other things got a little out of hand. By the time I asked to slow down (which he did immediately), neither of us had clothes on.

He always touches me and makes me feel wonderful, and I want to return the favor–but I feel like if you’re going to go below the belt on a guy you should be prepared to finish the job. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I’m certainly not ready to lose my virginity.

I care about him a lot. I want to respect his needs and wants without being selfish, but I don’t want to push myself into territory that I’m not ready for, either. I definitely don’t want to be a tease. He makes me happy. I just want him to be happy, too.

What do I do?
– Searching For Boundaries

Dear Searching For Boundaries,

To put the rumors of my unfortunate demise to rest…yes, last week’s “How Do I End Things Without Breaking His Heart?” was written by yours truly. It was a stylistic experiment that was a ton of fun, in case you couldn’t tell (and if you didn’t read last week’s column thus having no clue what I’m talking about, well, click on the link).

Onto present predicaments…

Right out of the gates, I applaud your consideration for his wants and needs. Sex can become immersed in a lot of selfishness. The problem there is that it takes two to…euphemism. So it can’t always be about just you or just him.

Teases are torturers as far as guys are concerned. The teased is in a vulnerable position. When you’re unguarded you’re trusting that the other person isn’t going to chop your…out from under you and thereby destroy your sexual-related sanity. So, bravo for not wanting to be a penile lumberjill.

Mini-rant behind us, let’s deal with some do’s and don’ts that might penetrate through your fears arisen from the situation.

DO: Be open and honest about what sex acts you’re ready to commit with him.
DON’T: Expect him to read your mind about what sex acts you’re uncomfortable committing with him.

DO: Allow yourself to trust him.
DON’T: Let yourself be pressured into doing what you’re not ready to do yet.

DO: Ask him what he’s ready for.
DON’T: Take advantage of his eagerness by having him satisfy you and then not satisfying him.

There are pitfalls here. Fortunately, with communicating what feels good and what you’re ready to experience with him, those pitfalls can be avoided on the road to achieving a new level of intimacy. That’s what makes sex special with people you care about: intimacy. It sounds like there’s a real emotional investment in your relationship, of which sex is a component, and that’s what’s freaking you out. By letting him know where you stand and where you do want to go with him (plus giving him the chance to give his side of the story) you’ll be exploring the new emotional terrains together.

That being said, I’m going to venture out on the ledge and say this: You should examine why you’re not ready to go beyond the level you’re at. Is it because you’re not comfortable with giving a hand job, or blowjob, or intercourse, or is it because you’re not comfortable experiencing them with him? A lot of girls are in relationships with men they’re not sexually compatible with. They gravitate towards them because of any number of reasons (he treats her well, she depends on sex not being apart of the dynamic, he’s her first relationship, she’s breaking  a pattern for the type of guy she usually gets burned by, and so on…). Is it that or does it not matter that it’s him, and it’s got more to do with you?

I’m not suggesting you do anything you’re not ready for. I’m asking you to examine what boundaries you’ve erected for yourself and why. Sometimes we realize that we’ve put up walls that once protected us but now are trapping us. Sometimes we still need the walls as they stand.

When you understand what the boundaries are, why they’re there, and whether they’re still necessary, then you can find new ones. Only this time, you’ll discover them with him. And that, is an act of intimacy…

Running the bases,
The Dude

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

There are some things that should be discussed at the outset of every relationship – ground rules, expectations, fast-growing tumors, but for some reason sexual compatibility seems to often be bypassed during these discussions. Partially because some people think it’s not important, and partially because they remain hopeful that either they or their partner are going to “warm up” to sex and eventually, once the relationship gets going, the sex will be frequent and awesome.

Some luck out and the “wait it out” strategy works, but that’s not always the case.

Ups-and-downs in sexual frequency are totally normal in any relationship. We hit that honeymoon newly-in-love phase, and find ourselves constantly naked, but eventually things die down – and that’s to be expected. But if you expect your partner to be monogamous, then your sex drive affects them too. Failing to discuss your ideal sex life is a huge mistake — if you’ve got a very low or very high sex drive, your partner deserves to know. Realizing in the middle of an LTR that you’re severely sexually incompatible can be a really big issue to deal with. It might even be the make-or-break point in your relationship.

It’s not all about being horny, either – it’s about intimacy, closeness, and feeling desired by your partner. For the person who wants sex the most (no, this isn’t always the man), having a higher sex drive is going to lead to rejection… and lots of it. Not only is this immensely frustrating, but it’s also not good for your ego. You might start to feel like something is wrong with you (“why does my partner not want to have sex with me?”), and as with any other kind of rejection, dealing with it constantly has gotta cause some damage to your self-esteem. And for the partner with the lower sex drive (also, not always the woman), it’s frustrating to be “bothered” for sex on a constant basis. You might start to feel that there is something wrong with your low sex drive, or worse, that your partner only ever wants to have sex.

As I’ve mentioned before, sex is a completely reasonable deal breaker. No one should have to live with constant rejection or with having to constantly reject their partners. When a relationship is sexually incompatible, it’s bad for both parties. So what do you do, stand it on a handshake and try to be friends? Possibly. But there are other things to try before calling it quits.

When you’re in a monogamous relationship, it becomes your responsibility to make sure your partner is sexually satisfied. No, I do not mean that you have to have sex with them every time they want it, and no, I do not mean that they own your genitals and can make you do it even if you don’t want to. By responsibility I mean that it’s your job to understand that your sex drive – high or low – affects two people, and it’s your responsibility to figure out how you can both be satisfied.

Compromise is going to be your friend here – and to be honest, it’s the only way a sexually incompatible couple fighting through all the negative feelings that come with mis-matched sex drives can deal with such an issue. The partner with the higher sex drive needs to come to a reasonable compromise as to the frequency of sex – once a week, or every two weeks, maybe? And the person with the low sex drive needs to be GGG and figure out ways they can meet that need. You don’t have to have intercourse always, but you need to do something. Compromise with some bi-weekly oral sex, or some mutual masturbation (er,  assisted masturbation?).

This seems like a lot of work to deal with one problem in a relationship, doesn’t it? It is a ton of work – and sometimes you can find a solution, and sometimes you can’t. So have the flippin’ conversation at the beginning! A question as simple as, “so, ideally, how many times a week do you like to have sex?” should get the ball rolling in the right direction. It might seem like a weird thing to discuss, and it might be a little awkward at first, but it’s better to realize it now, in college, than 15 years from now when you’re married with three kids.

Want more Sexy Time? (Who doesn’t?) Get some. Right here.

Dear Dude,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. Four years ago he had a friend that he fooled around with but they  never dated (he wanted to, she didn’t). From what he has told me about the situation, it seems like she was emotionally toying with him (hooking up with other guys and whatnot) but they  were still friends till she transfered to another school end of freshman year.

I found out that a month or so in when we started dating that she was visiting the area and he went to have lunch with her. He told me this and all was okay. Last May (about a year after this lunch date) I unfortunately came across an IM exchange they had (my boyfriend was drunk) and through it found out that they were playing around with the idea of hooking up but ended up not because they were both in relationships. After that IM exchange, which was timestamped a few days after they went to lunch, I saw that between then and the date that I found it, they had spoken once or twice–neither time which she replied back.

I confronted him and told him what I read. Although he was angry, he fessed up to it all and reinforced that nothing physical happened (except a peck when they left). He said he needed that for closure, and since then our relationship has blossomed into something I enjoy. Which is where it gets me–our relationship is great. I trust that he has let go of her but I still have these bouts of anxiety where I remember the time that he emotionally cheated on me, and how betrayed I felt.

Anyway, after that long rant I just want to know how I can ease my worries. We have grown together a lot, and we are open with each other, but I can’t help but think how she may still be in the back of his mind or how another lunch date may occur without me knowing, or how he still may have feelings for her. Would it be too much to ask for him to not speak to her anymore just to be sure?

Thanks Dude,
Feeling Worried

Dear Feeling Worried,

You must forgive. You will never forget.

That, in a peanut shell, is the pickle.

Emotional cheating can be as devastating to some as physical cheating. I know about a couple that had been married for several years but the wife began a cyber-relationship with another man for two years and never told her husband about it. He was devastated. Why? What was missing? What couldn’t he provide her that she needed to find somewhere else? How could he ever trust her again?

Well, in fact, trust CAN be rebuilt. However, after consulting with a prominent psychologist, I’ve discovered that it can take roughly two to two and a half years before one partner can put it out of her mind for any length of time. You’ll never be able to forget. Nor should you, necessarily. However, you’ve got to be able to forgive and put this to the side. Otherwise, you’re putting your relationship on a doomsday clock. Can you hear the ticking?

It’s been over a year since he committed his emotional infidelity. That’s a long enough time to observe his behavior and make the determination: has he strayed since? If you believe he’s been open about any and everything in his life since then, then that’s the behavior you have to base giving your trust on. You’ve suffered a trauma. The fear of being re-traumatized can be worse than the fear of losing the person you care about. If he’s proven over the last year that he’s been completely faithful, if he’s put forth that effort, then you either have to move this aside or head for the hills.

If you don’t act based on his behavior then your doubts are going to ruin your relationship.

The bitch of living is that you’ll never be able to control another person’s actions. What he does, what he thinks, and how he acts are all his decisions to make. Yes, they affect you. Yes, they can hurt you. Yes, they can help you. No, they’re not under your domain. No, they’re not going to be based on what you want them to be at all time. No, you can’t dictate what actions he takes. If you make demands about what he can or can’t do, then you’re telling him you don’t trust him. Distrust is poison. You’ll breed resentment. You’ll inspire distrust in him. You’ll effectively end any chance of being happy for the long-term. You can’t forget, but you can forgive.

Forgiving isn’t easy. If it was, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict would have been healed long ago. Romeo and Juliet wouldn’t have killed themselves. The Hatfields and the McCoys would have spent New Year’s Eve 1888 drinking champagne instead of hacking each other to pieces. Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort would have founded a scholarship at Hogwarts for orphans.

Forgiveness begins with a decision to move forward. You have to accept that you have occasional doubts. Don’t judge them and don’t judge him based on them. The first step to controlling what thoughts you let in is in controlling what you do with the ones that are already there. Just accept them. Then move them aside. It sounds easier than it is. Because you’ll have to keep doing this over and over again until one day, you’ll really put the past out of mind. Forgiveness takes work. He has to work at earning a second chance and you have to work at giving him one. Unless you don’t think your relationship’s worth the effort. That decision is yours, and yours alone.

(In Walter Cronkite’s voice) And that’s the way it is,
The Dude

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months, and with school and work starting, it feels like the “honeymoon” period is finally over. The thing is, I don’t understand why the honeymoon period has to be over and what’s so great about the next phase. Is it supposed to be better that he doesn’t do/say cute things anymore because he doesn’t have to show or prove his feelings and he has me secured as a girlfriend? What’s the line between being taken for granted and trusting that just because the honeymoon is over doesn’t mean the feelings are gone?

What is so great about not being in the honeymoon?

I’m also worried that this is part of something bigger. We live a little farther away now that he’s graduated and working, and I understand that he doesn’t have to be giddy to talk to me all the time, but I feel like we already have not as much time to see each other or talk – shouldn’t he be more excited when we do get a chance? He still has done nice things like taking me to dinner and letting me know where he is, but I can’t seem to appreciate it the same way knowing that I’ll barely see/talk to him during the week. Also I wonder if he’s only doing it out of obligation – obviously I don’t want him to do things for me if the feeling’s not there. At times I’ve also felt like I should only talk to him when he’s not too busy or it’s a better time. I guess I’m just wondering – is this normal in the post-honeymoon phase? Does having the honeymoon over mean that I can’t expect lovey-dovey cutesy things? Am I just being totally paranoid or how do I know that this is a relationship worth keeping?

- Wanting the Honeymoon Back

Dear Wanting the Honeymoon Back,

Change being the only constant in life dictates that nothing can stay the same. This goes triple, quadruple, hell, call it bagillion, for relationships. Hence why every couple’s so-called “honeymoon” must phase into something else. In your case, it sounds like you’re in the “soon to be separated” phase…

I’m not even placing the blame on your boy. You are setting up your relationship to fail. That’s right, I said it! If you’re looking for something to be wrong then something’s already wrong as far as you’re concerned. And that something has to do with your not being sure this relationship is “worth keeping.” To me, it sounds like you’re looking for permission to end a relationship that you’re no longer happy with. I say do it. I’d never tell anyone to stay with something in hopes it would magically get better.

Notice the word I used, “magically.” That’s because the “honeymoon” isn’t what a relationship should be for the next 20 years. Neither one of you would ever grow and evolve, the intimacy wouldn’t deepen, and your lives would be stuck in routine. Make no mistake about it, the intensity of the first six months can’t last and isn’t meant to last. That’s called real life.

Look back on my column “Where’s the Intimacy” and you’ll see that you’re going through a similar transition. He has a life that includes you but doesn’t revolve around you. Nor should it. Nor should yours revolve around him. He does have other obligations like making that money, money, yeah, yeah so he can pay rent and have a career where he’ll also find emotional growth. You’re one part. Albeit, you’ve got to feel like an important part and if you don’t then remove yourself from his life and focus on your own.

No one should feel ignored in a relationship but it does happen. If you can’t address it with the person then your relationship has a clear expiration date. The only question is: who is going to throw it away?

First of all, you shouldn’t expect “cutesy lovey-dovey” things, you should expect as much as you give. Expectations are cancer for almost every relationship in the history of ever. “Expecting” someone to act a certain way or to do certain things is the biggest kind of assuming there is and you know what happens when you assume? Right, you make an ass out of you. By expecting you’re abandoning the necessity to communicate to each other what you need, want, feel is missing, or feel is fantastic. Mind reading’s a great fantasy but you’re not Sookie Stackhouse and neither is he (whether he’s got Jason’s abs or not). By expecting you’re placing your relationship on probation and setting yourself up to look for parole violations. Which it sounds like you’re finding.

And what’s so great about moving beyond the honeymoon?

1. You don’t feel like you have to be perfect all of the time.

2. You don’t expect the other person to be perfect all of the time.

3. You’re confident that your partner isn’t going to run at the first sign of trouble.

4. You’ve noticed the other person’s “flaws” and have started to realize that that’s the good stuff.

5.  You can be secure that your relationship isn’t just based on sex but intimacy.

6. You can be an individual instead of half of a couple.

7. You no longer feel like you have to prove how much you care through constant showing of affection.

I could probably add another 43 reasons but that’s another article for another time. For now I’ll leave you with the sensational 7.

Baby, you’re the greatest,
The Dude

[Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dearest Dude,

So, basically my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We met in college, and after spending the first year and a half together at the same school he (due to unfortunate circumstances) has had to relocate and go somewhere else. We get along pretty well, although it’s been pretty hard for me to be back at school this fall without him here and all of those reminders…blah blah blah..

Anyways, the thing I’m most bothered about recently is our communication from day to day. Yes, we usually talk every day, but sometimes it’s not even until night time online and/or texting or something. I wonder if girls are different than guys. Do we like to keep in touch more than guys? Do they think nothing of it if they only talk to us at night or at any given point during the day? I’ve just felt like I like to keep in touch more with the distance because my day goes by quicker with a few texts here and there, but he seems content some days just waiting all day to answer a text, or to even initiate conversation. Is this weird? Lately, I’ve been trying to wait around for him to say stuff so that he doesn’t think I’m needy or that I can’t live without him, but it’s quite frustrating to not hear anything all day and wait until I’m on AIM or something at night. Even if I’m going to class or working or whatever, I’d still do my best to talk to him, so why isn’t this the same for him as a guy?

– Seriously Confused & Agitated

Dear Seriously Confused & Agitated,

Let’s pump the brakes, just a bit.

Two people separated by state lines, hundred of miles, sixty dollars worth of gas, and up to three hours of time difference run on completely different schedules. When it’s tough to be in the same place and at the same time, keeping the connection as strong as it was when they stayed over every night feels like organizing a space shuttle launch. Is it a feat of space exploration engineering?

One person’s always better at staying in touch than the other. Maybe it’s because of personalities or it might just come down to there only being 24 hours per day. Talking once a day instead of texting five times between two midnights doesn’t necessarily mean he’s losing interest. It might just mean he’s really busy or he’d rather talk to you when he can sit down and focus on just you. When you’re sprinting from Acting Shakespeare to Introductory Neurology, you’re likely to not look at a text or put off answering it until your brain is fully functioning again.

A quick text to say “I miss you” will take approximately 28.7 seconds (max!). So, why can’t he fit it in? He probably can. He may not feel like he needs to. Perhaps he’s totally secure in his feelings for you and yours for him. He thinks it’s no big deal and he can wait until he can spend an hour before bed putting off his Organic Chemistry work. On the other hand, maybe it’d be a constant reminder of how much he misses you and is trying to keep focused on the practical stuff. There are plenty of possibilities. There’s only one way you’re going to find out which one is right.

When in doubt, ask. After a year and a half, don’t worry about him judging you because you’re bugged by something. You’ve got to trust him.  If you explain you’re nervous or concerned, even over something you’re not sure is that big of a deal, you have to trust he’ll respond to what you’re saying and that you’ll work it out. The fear of bringing it up to him is the bigger concern. If he doesn’t realize it’s a big deal, then point it out. If he still won’t take it seriously…well, you’ll cross that bridge then. Remember, “kids swallow quarters all the time…if he craps two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.”

We all wish upon a star for a relationship that’s 50-50. Then we wake up from our Disney dream. The most we can get is a shifting 60-40. Sometimes you’ll be the 60 and other times he will be. Some people are better at keeping in touch than others. Same way some are more comfortable with PDA, doing laundry, or cleaning the shower curtains. We can’t expect people to change just because the circumstances do. They have to be aware that a change is necessary, or at least appreciated. Once the choice is given a chance to be made, then you know what the situation actually is. Take the first step before you jump off the cliff.

Don’t freak out,
The Dude

[Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Lazy Sunday mornings. They might be one of the most wonderful things in the world. It was noon, and I was enjoying one such relaxing, completely unproductive Sunday morning this past week. It was my turn to cook, so I was making waffles (chocolate chip, of course) for our girls brunch. We had all congregated, still in our pajamas and more than a little worn out from the previous night’s festivities, to exchange stories.

We gushed about one of my friend’s newest crushes who had FINALLY kissed her the night before, laughed at some of the ridiculous things that various drunk boys had said, dissected who had danced with whom (“Ew against the wall?!”), and dished on all the important gossip of the weekend. Typical girls’ sesh, Sex and the City style. Except our outfits weren’t $2,000. And we were sitting on the floor of our living room.

My one friend, K, wasn’t saying much, though. I wasn’t sure if she was simply still too hung over to process anything or if there was something on her mind. Finally, when we were back to talking about my friend’s exciting smooch, K chimed in.

“Ah I’m so jealous! That’s the best place to be. I miss being single.”

K has been with her boyfriend Mitch for a long, LONG time. They are one of those perfect couples; totally in sync, totally in love, totally awesome. Every single single girl I know wants what they have. It never occurred to me that she might want what we have.

But I get it. I remember missing the excitement of being single when I was tied down for so long. Like K said, it really is fun to be single, especially in college. There are always new crushes and mistakes, drunken hookups that make for hilarious stories, and the freedom to do what (and whom) you want. But the funny thing about all this is that, as a single girl, I want what K has.  I mean, the whole reason a new crush is exciting is because we’re thinking of the potential for it to turn into a real relationship. One like K’s.

We all want what we don’t have.
Actually, we all want what we think we don’t have.

K misses the excitement that comes with being single, but she doesn’t see all the other stuff: the boys with potential who disappeared without a trace, the awkwardness of those accidental drunken mistakes,  the nights spent alone. With junk food. K only sees a small part of what it’s like to be single and, from the comforts of her perfect relationship, totally misses the reality.

And I’m sure, when I look longingly at her and every other blissfully happy couple holding hands on campus, I’m not getting the whole picture either.

Obviously, there are good and bad things about being both singled and coupled. It’s easy to envy whichever one you don’t have from afar – coveting the excitement of a single girl’s life, or the stability of a coupled girl’s relationship. It’s that whole “grass is greener” syndrome. We all just need to remember that when you get closer, you’ll see that both sides have some brown spots that the sprinkler could never reach.

At the end of the day, we all need to remember to be content with what wehave. The grass might look greener on the other side, but look down and you’ll see that your own grass is pretty damn green already.