My grandparents are determined to get me married off  to someone with a respectable profession before I’m 23. They’re convinced that if I haven’t met the right corporate lawyer or hedge fund banker by then, I’ll recieve a one-way nonrefundable ticket to spinsterhood. So it was a huge surprise to me that it took two whole weeks in New York before my grandmother’s friend’s law-student grandson “asked for my number.”

Considering I had never met the guy, I had my doubts that he asked for my number. Nonetheless I gave my grandmother permission to give it to him. Then I promptly forgot about the whole yentil-style-matchmaker-ambush and went back to my daily life of interning and unsuccessful haggling with street vendors.

And then, a few days later, like a missed call in shining armor, I received the following voicemail. Try not to swoon.

“Hi Jenni, this is Ben, my grandmother is making me call you, I don’t know what the hell is going on. I guess call me back at 867-5309. You know what, or don’t this is so awkward.”

It’s almost unnecessary to say but after that charming message, we began dating, one thing led to another, and we’re getting married in the Plaza over the fourth of July weekend. Slash NOT.

I have yet to return the call. I don’t remember this happening to anyone during Fiddler on the Roof and that’s the only experience I have with being set up by my elders. I’m tempted to just text him this blog link, but then again he is my only prospect at the moment (sure he’s playing a little hard to get) and I don’t want to ruin my chances.
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You got everything you wanted for Christmas. You nailed the New Year’s Eve kiss. Hell, you even celebrated MLK Jr. day with a bang! But in the not so distant future looms the dark abyss on the next page of your calendar—it starts with a V and ends with an –alentine’s day. While your attached friends concoct wish lists from Tiffany’s or stress about dinner reservations on Feb. 14th, you wonder if maybe, just maybe, you’ll be playing footsie with someone special too. So here is a simple guide to finding a guy before—gulp—Valentine’s Day.

Keep your head straight.

Prioritize your goals. Meeting a new guy, as awesome as it theoretically seems, should definitely not be numero uno on your list. No matter how much time and effort you dedicate to searching for your Prince Charming, it won’t pay off if that’s all your interested in. A) You will absolutely come off like that crazy girl from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days—and guys just aren’t into that. B) It’s Murphy’s Law that whatever you want will find you exactly when you’re not looking for it. And, most importantly, C) Maintaining your circle of friends, hobbies, talents and already great life in general is what makes you an interesting person in the first place; if you want to meet an interesting guy, don’t you think he’ll have the same expectations of you?

Get Sexy (-er).

Whether you’re already a bona fide bombshell or you’re ready for a complete face/wardrobe/etc., overhaul, getting dressed up to the point where you look HAWT and you know it is an instant guy magnet. Why is this? Well it’s more than your 4- inch stilettos and “ass jeans”—it’s the confidence you radiate knowing that you’re the bomb.com. So whatever you need to do to get yourself in the “You will worship the ground I walk on” frame of mind–be it a blowout, manicure, shopping spree or your favorite perfume—make it a habit before you go anywhere you think you may meet Mr. February 14th…and it could be somewhere you weren’t suspecting. Read More »

People in relationships baffle me. They spend their lives living vicariously through singles, dragging them into their cult of couplehood, when really, what must they want other than to be back in those uncomfortable but oh so attractive shoes? It’s schaedenfreude.

They’re not happy until we’re miserable like them. They obsess over adding new couples to the guest list for charades or a round of Trivial Pursuit: the Pop Culture edition, and leave no stone unturned when seeking out converts-to-be. The most elaborate, and most obvious, baiting for information is the attempted nonchalant life inquiry. “So how are things? You know, work, your 401K…” Blah blah blah, quick segue: “You seeing anybody? Oh, really? Because I have this friend…” There is no question in my mind that every person who has been single for a minute of their lives has been hypothetically set up with “this friend.” Read More »