I always feel bad for Nikki Reed. I know she’s in the Twilight movies, but she definitely feels more like a third or fourth tier cast member. I feel like whenever anyone thinks “ladies of Twlight,” Kristen Stewart and Ashley Greene are the first to come to mind, and Nikki only gets recognition/interviews when Kristen and Ashley are otherwise preoccupied. Although at the end of the day, she’s getting far more bank than I ever will (and has way better hair than I do), so maybe I should save my pity for someone more deserving. But why does she look like a gun is being held to her head on the cover? She’s too pretty to look so deranged.

Luckily, the inside of the magazine is a lot more aesthetically pleasing. There’s an abundance of cute holiday fashion (at mostly reasonable prices). I also really appreciate that Seventeen did not promote dieting this issue. They supported eating your favorite treats, but emphasized the importance of moderation. I definitely prefer that message to deprivation, so brava Seventeen. Of course, no issue is complete without relationship advice. This month was definitely focused on “decoding” guys. Without further ado…

Seventeen says: When a guy puts his arm around you, he’s testing the waters.
Jasmine says: This may be legit at the beginning of a relationship, but also, the arm cuddle is definitely one of the most relaxed, publicly acceptable forms of affection, and if you’ve been dating for awhile, he just likes being affectionate with you.

Seventeen says: When a guy says “Gotta go” on IM, it’s not a snub. He’s just busy.
Jasmine says: I don’t think so. Normally a guy would say something like “I have to walk my dog” or “gotta finish this paper” or, you know, specific examples. “I got to go” sounds more like a shady avoidance measure.

Seventeen says: A guy who puts his feet on your lap is bored in your relationship.
Jasmine says: As part of a Mutual Foot Rest Society, all I can do is laugh at this. If anything, this means he’s very comfortable and feels close to you.

Seventeen says: When a guy says “I’m not sure where this is going” it’s not necessarily a breakup.
Jasmine says: …no way. If a guy doesn’t know where this is going, but he knows he likes you, he would never say this. That phrase is a definitely a passive aggressive breakup maneuver.

Seventeen says: “Sorry, I have to bail on you tonight” is not a blow-off.
Jasmine says: Yes, yes it is. Especially if it doesn’t include a rescheduling caveat. Oh, Seventeen, stop inspiring false hope. Yes, guys can be bad communicators, but they are also surprisingly adept at giving signs that They’re Just Not That Into You.

Seventeen continues to perturb me in ways that Glamour never has. I just can’t get over the one-dimensional messages this magazine is sending to girls. Maybe my pearl-clutching is a little out of hand, but it makes me nervous that right there on the cover is the tagline “Hair & Makeup Ideas That Make You Instantly Prettier!” Like teenage girls don’t face enough pressure in regards to conforming and being pretty in their every day lives. That said, I do appreciate that most of the girls who appear in the fashion spreads aren’t preternaturally pretty and actually look like girls you’d see wandering around a high school.

The relationship advice is mostly pretty harmless. Their section that is dedicated to getting inside the male mind was pretty standard, although I wish they would have included a snarky comment next to the guy who says he’s always thinking of ways to go even further sexually – stay classy, William, aged 19. Their quiz asking, “Do Guys Think You’re Desperate,” though, was way too harsh!

Seventeen says: You immediately friend guys you meet on Facebook and check for signs that you might be a good match.
Jasmine says: Perhaps this is just my stalkery curious nature, but I fail to see the problem with this. The best part about online networking is the opportunity to assess the situation. I’ve dodged many a bullet just by during a quick Facebook/Twitter/LinkedIn search.

Seventeen says: When you click with someone, you can’t help imagining you two as a couple.
Jasmine says: Is that not normal? I know it’s all cool to be detached and apathetic about relationships, but if you hit it off with someone, it’s natural to mentally explore the great possibilities.

Seventeen says: You like to become besties with your crush’s friends – it’s a good way to get closer to him.
Jasmine says: I am like 99 percent sure that Seventeen has published articles encouraging this behavior. And besides, if you start seeing someone, chances are you’re going to meet and have to make a good impression on his friends anyway, so you might as well get the balling rolling.

Seventeen says: When talking to your crush, you find yourself writing marathon texts or FB messages.
Jasmine says: Okay, turning what are supposed to be two-sided convos into a one-sided monologue is never a positive attribute. This is legit.

The cover story was predictable sap, a famous star insisting that she’s really just a big dork who, in this case, loves to sing Taylor Swift songs in her car.  Twenty-one-year-old Lucy also makes a rather unfortunate comparison between the character she plays in her newest movie and Miley Cyrus, and pulls out some sermon about what it takes to be a role model.  But she plays the best character on one of the most addictive TV shows out there (Pretty Little Liars), and has really pretty eyes and a surprisingly beautiful singing voice, so I’ll her forgettable interview slide.

This issue kept going with the whole bright theme – from urging readers to wear hot pink matte lipstick (try it, it’s actually really fun) to pimping out some crazy neon hair accessories.  The not so bright spot in all this?  Their fashion section, which tells girls everywhere that it’s cool to wear flat oxfords with a nice dress, accompanied by a picture of Kendall Jenner looking totally leggy and gorgeous in her ensemble.  Like, HELLO?  We don’t wear heels because we love the way they feel; some of us need a little stiletto so that our legs don’t look like little stubs.  Every bone in my five-foot–tall body burned at this.  But hey, if you can get away with this look (or have a body like Kendall Freaking Jenner), more power to you.

But enough of that, let’s get on to the juicy stuff, shall we?  Seventeen runs a piece on sex trafficking in Thailand and Hong Kong, which features Shay Mitchell (also of Pretty Little Liars fame) talking about her work to bring justice to victims.  Way to go, Seventeen! Those are the kind of celebrity role models you should focus on – not girls who claim they’ll never touch a drop of alcohol.

Strangely enough, this issue is lacking in a “sex-ed” type column, which is too bad because those are usually the easiest (and most fun) to tear apart.  Luckily, my second favorite type of column appears: a how-to guide to flirting.  It’s called “Get Flirting Confidence” and it’s….well, see for yourself.

Seventeen says: “Try your move on a guy who doesn’t really matter to you so that you have a non-scary way to figure out what works…a cute waiter is the perfect test run because it’s his job to pay attention to you!
Zara says:  So basically if you sense a “real connection” with the guy who always waits your table at your favorite happy hour spot, it’s all a lie.  He’s just paying attention to you because he wants a good tip.  Great.  And also – since when do waiters have the time to hang around and listen to a girl who’s practicing her flirting technique? And do we have to pay more for that kind of service?

Seventeen says: “When you’re acting as the sidekick for a flirt friend, you get to be part of the action without any pressure.  Seeing how she talks to guys will rub off on you – soon you’ll be ready to jump right in.”
Zara says: What happened to “just by yourself and guys will like you?”  Come ON, Seventeen!

Seventeen says: “When you’re hanging out with guy friends, pay attention to what they talk about and what cracks them up.  Being totally comfortable in a guy world helps you hold your own around a cutie you like and may even give you a few jokes to steal.”
Zara says: If you’re gonna go this route, just be prepared to talk about farting.  And boobs.  A lot. But not too much. No matter what Seventeen says, there’s nothing sexy about a girl telling a personal fart story. Just trust me on this.

Seventeen says: “It’s easier to say something bold to your crush over text.  But when you get in the habit of throwing out those lines (and realize that most of the time they actually work!), you’ll get up the guts to try it in person.  Just hit send already!
Zara says: …And this is where you consult a previous issue for a guide to sexting….err, I mean “flirty texting.”

For even more bad advice for today’s youth, click here!

But I digress – this month’s cover girl was Emma Roberts, who I absolutely despise because, according to the article, the bitch stole my man.  Yup, you heard me: she’s allegedly seeing Chace Crawford, which I just can’t forgive.  Cover girl Emma laments her angsty teenage past (which she left behind a whole entire year ago) and claims that she used to feel like no one understood her.  Yawn.  Newsflash, Em – we’ve all been there.  It’s called high school.

Aside from one really moving article about a girl who watched her boyfriend die, this month’s Seventeen was more of the usual.  There was the requisite article about the dangers of self-esteem issues and, like in every other issue, body image issues were addressed. Now, I get it.  Body image issues are really serious, and magazines like Seventeen have a responsibility to help young girls work through these problems.  I really do commend the staff of Seventeen for their efforts to promote this cause….but it would be so much more effective if they didn’t feature exclusively stick-thin models (the only exceptions seem to be the “curvy” or “plus-size” fashion spread models) on every page.  Just sayin’.

It would also be nice if they didn’t give unrealistic advice to their readers. Somehow, no matter how many times Seventeen treads the “hookup secrets” territory, they still manage to make me laugh/shake my head/roll my eyes. This month’s “Sex-Ed: The Truth About Summer Hookups” was no exception.  Some bad advice teenage girls everywhere are getting this month?

Seventeen says: “So ask yourself if the decision to hook up is one that you’ll feel good about once the buzz wears off?”
Zara says:  Okay, here’s the thing: if that kind of logical thinking was a possibility, it wouldn’t be called intoxication. And what are you doing promoting underage drinking, Seventeen!?

Seventeen says: “If you do decide to hook up with a random guy who you’ve just met, make a deal with your friends to tell each other when you sneak off for privacy – then set a time to check in by text.”
Zara says:  Tell me one girl who stops a little romantic tryst to text her friends. How would that even work? “Oh, hold on, Billy. Can you take your hand out of my shorts for a second? Gotta text my BFFers!”

Seventeen says: “Tell him up front – like when you first start kissing – what your limits are.  That way you’re thinking with your brain, not your body.  Guys actually say they feel relieved when you’re the one to take the pressure off.”
Zara says:  There’s something you should know about guys: they lie.

Look, it’s not that I think this advice is terrible; it’s that I think it’s unrealistic and therefore, well, OK, terrible. Better luck next month, Seventeen!

Oh, and it’s even more annoying when said celebrity SHOULD STILL BE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

But I’ll V. Justice props -  after reading her interview, I like her way, way more.  For one thing, she actually admitted to having tried alcohol in the past. (Gasp! Shock! Horror!!) She didn’t pull some Taylor Swift-esque “all that stuff just isn’t for me, I just sit at home and bake cookies” excuse.  Unlike the girls Seventeen generally chooses, she seems real.  I applaud for discussing a controversial issue openly, just as I applaud Seventeen for publishing that quote.  A true role model isn’t someone who is perfect, but someone who is relatable.  By that standard, this girl is well ahead of her peers.

But back to Seventeen… The cover also included the question, “Are you addicted to food?”  And not going to lie, my hand totally flew up in the air when I read that one.  Luckily, the fact that I’ve never picked food over partying led me to determine that I don’t have Binge Eating Disorder – just an unhealthy obsession with Coldstone.

Seventeen was kind of low on ridiculous articles this month.  In place of the usual “I had a drink and made a mistake” story that they usually run to scare the crap out of their young and impressionable readers, this month’s real life read was a touching account of one girl’s struggle with cheering for a basketball-playing rapist.  I expected the Teen Mom article to be full of quotable gems, but the truth is, it was a really useful article. Like, it actually addressed the fact that teenagers are going to have sex and helped them understand the realities of it, like the fact that pulling out is not the most reliable method.

But, just as I suspected, there was one blip in this month’s issue. You see, Seventeen is a bit contradictory. The mag is always telling girls to “be themselves,” and that guys will like them the most if they’re natural.  But if that’s really the case, then why does the mag go so far out of its way to tell the young ladies how guys interpret their every action? Like this month’s “What Shoes Would You Wear On A Date?”article, which was about what your first-date shoe choice says about you.

Look, I’m a big fan of all shoes and I support a girl’s decision to wear even the most ridiculous pair, but if you’re going to tell girls what all the judgmental boys will deduce from their footwear choices, you should probably be fair and brutally honest, otherwise, what’s the point?  Seventeen was way too forgiving in their descriptions of the thoughts that go through guys’ minds when they see certain shoes.

Disclaimer: These do not in any way reflect my personal views. Rather, I’m just providing the more realistic views of a dude.

Booties – pictured are a pair of tall, black leather stiletto-heeled boots.

Seventeen says: “You’re fun! You love a good party and always know where the hottest one is happening.  Even guys who don’t follow trends get that this rocker-girl style oozes cool.
Zara says: “You’re easy and seeing you in those hooker shoes is a clear indication that I’m gonna get some front seat nookie before I drop you off at your parents’ house at curfew.”

Heels – a picture of really cute snakeskin pumps.

Seventeen says: “You’re confident!  Stepping out in a pair of heels instantly makes you feel more put-together, so he’ll immediately see you as sexy and self-assured.”
Zara says: “You’re high-maintenance.  I’m going to spend the whole effing night walking slowly just to accommodate you. I may even have to carry you at some point.  And the worst part is, you’ll NEVER watch a game with me.”

Ballet Flats – a pair of pale yellow, round-toe flats.

Seventeen says: “You’re sweet! These shoes have an innocent good-girl vibe – until you gently slide one off and run your foot against his leg.  It’s a move that he’ll never see coming!”
Zara says:  “I’m totally not getting any tonight.  But on the plus side, you could probably tutor me in English.”

Flip Flops – a pair of pink rubber cheapie sandals.

Seventeen says: “You’re chill!  The beachy vibe makes you seem low-maintenance, which helps him relax, too.  Plus, he’ll get a peek at your pedi – one of those girly touches guys love!”
Zara says: Well besides the whole pedi thing (what young guy that these girls would be dating would even notice that?), this one is sorta right. Flip flops=low-maintenance, and what guy doesn’t love that?

Oh, and by the way. Does anyone else feel the slightest bit uncomfortable at the idea of a Seventeen reader (i.e. a 14-year-old girl) “sliding one shoe off and running her foot against his leg?” I seriously need a shower right now.

This month however, was different.

This month, Seventeen did one article about looking CUTE, one about looking NATURALLY PRETTY, and one about being videotaped topless (my need for scandal is soooo satiated.) Only this time, the cover girl was someone I know very little about: Miranda Cosgrove. So after getting past my disappointment about the lack Gossip Girl cast members in this month’s issue, I started to flip through.

First I saw this cute Material Girl top which I considered buying – until I saw the picture’s caption: “Miley would totally wear this.” Yeah man, I flipped that page reaaaallll quick, at which point I came upon something pleasantly surprising. Something that made me tip my fedora to the staff at Seventeen: a section on real life girl crushes. Growing up, it’s difficult to differentiate between an innocent admiration of another girl and a full-blown attraction and this article is the kind that can make a young girl feel like either way, what she’s feeling is okay.

…And then they went and ruined it by publishing some seriously stupid quotes from guys. One example? “If a girl gives me more than three hickeys in one hookup session I’m not going to call her again – it basically means she’s slutty.” This is why I hate boys. And hickeys. Also, they published something about a guy who steals things from girls he hooks up with and hangs them up on his wall. Weird.

But the most ridiculous stuff this month came from an aticle about the dangers of Spring Break in Panama City. The article was called “The Sketchiest Spring Break In America” and while it did have some really useful tips on avoiding dangerous situations (which is something we should all take very seriously), it also reeked of Seventeen’s trademark earnest oblivion. Some examples?

Seventeen Says: “With all this scary stuff, you have to wonder why girls keep going back. ‘It’s impossible to get bored. There’s glow-in-the-dark mini golf, Jet Skiing, and go-kart racing.’”
Zara says: Yeah….I’m pretty sure college girls aren’t going on Spring Break for the glow-in-the-dark mini-golf and various adventure sports. How do you expect anyone to take you seriously when you are so blatantly out of touch with reality?!

Seventeen says: After Mike poured each girl a shot, they asked for a couple more. “We didn’t want to look like wusses.”
Zara says: Okay, drinking to impress a group of guys is a bad idea no matter where you go. It really has nothing to with being on Spring Break. And where’s the advice on not taking drinks from strangers, not taking a drink you didn’t see poured, not picking your drink up after you put it down and walk away!?

Seventeen says: “When a situation is sketchy, we say ‘space jelly.’ That’s our cue to go.”
Zara says: Subtle. Real subtle.

Seventeen says: “Never let a friend go off with a sleazy guy – no matter how much she’s into him.”
Zara says: That’s great advice…but do you have any advice for being labeled “cockblock” until the end of your trip? Because when that happens, and it will, it would be nice to know how to rectify the situation and save the trip.

Oh Seventeen, I know you’re trying but if you’re gonna half-ass the advice, just don’t give it at all!

So I was pretty excited to see her on the cover of this month’s Seventeen – even though I knew that the article would spare us all the juicy, scandalous Gossip Girl-eque deets.  Unfortunately, it talked more about how Leighton loves baking cookies and less about where she finds the inspiration required to play such a crazy bitch so well….but I’ll take what I can get.

Luckily, the Seventeen editors saved the juice for other articles.  They actually talked about (gasp) SEX in this issue!  And STDs!  In case you didn’t know, in the land of Seventeen magazine, these two things go hand-in-hand, because if you have sex you WILL get an STD.  And die.

Also, if you ever drugs, you WILL become and addict (and die), a point that was reinforced again and again in an article about a girl who developed a crystal meth addiction thanks to a toxic roommate.

But, as usual, Seventeen also took a ride on the line between scandal and sweetness.  Just another article that touches on a risqué topic, presenting it in a way that will scare the sh!t out of especially naïve readers and by doing this, mold them into virtuous young ladies.  (Basically, if a typical Seventeen article was a TV show, it would be less 90210 and more Secret Life Of The American Teenager.) It was called “Guys’ Sexy Secrets Revealed” and it was definitely the best article of the month.

FYI – you should probably replace the word “best” with one of these choices: “hilarious” “absurd” or “ridiculous.”

Seventeen says: “You’ve seen guys writhing on the ground in pain from a kick to the groin, but nothing you could do while making out could ever hurt.”
Zara says: So if you accidentally kick a guy in the groin while making out it won’t hurt? I’ve got a few  drunken debacles involving me and a guy crying in the corner of the bed that completely disprove that theory, Seventeen.

Seventeen says: Testosterone helps guys stay lean and muscular.
Zara says: This has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the article, but it’s good to know. This interesting factoid is why guys can house four dozen wings a day, eat a cheeseburger for dessert, and chug soda like it’s going out of style and not gain weight.  And if that doesn’t make you want to kick him in the groin, I don’t know what will.

Seventeen says: Even guys need body peace.
Zara says: Why?  All that friggin’ testosterone keeps them skinny, and any body parts that make them, um, self-conscious are covered up most of the time.

Seventeen says: Stick to kissing or touching with clothes on until he gets checked out.
Zara says: Lay off the Patron until after the appointment or that sure as hell won’t happen.

Seventeen says: But here’s what’s even scarier – in reality, most STDs often show no symptoms at all.
Zara says: True story. But must you really scare every single tweenager who’s made out with a boy at a middle school dance into thinking they need to get themselves over to the school nurse for a Herpes test?

Like, it’s a big deal.

Which is probably why I was so damn disappointed with my magazine this month.  I’m not saying this issue wasn’t amazing, I’m just saying it’s like the series finale of Jersey Shore. It’s hard to live up to the expectations, you know?

Of course, Taylor Swift is a perfect cover girl (even though her little quote about “rarely being the girl with the boyfriend” was kind of annoying.  You are dating JYKE GYLLENHAAL, for crying out loud!)  I mean, yeah, her curly ques and inspirational quotes are a tad irritating, but the twelve-year-old girl inside me totally eats it up, so I’m guessing the rest of the Seventeen readers do too.

Every year, Seventeen chooses celebrity style stars for this encyclopedia of an issue and this year’s choices were kind of…eh.  I mean, what the HELL was Victoria Justice wearing?  Is that nightgown/cardigan/MATCHING BELT getup supposed to be some nod to pajama chic?  And Taylor Momsen? Really? When are people going to realize that this girl is BAD FOR HUMANITY?

But I kept flipping through the pages, attempting to put off studying just a wee bit longer. I got some fancy makeup tips for NYE. I got the urge to buy a sequined dress. I got sucked into an article about avoiding party predators (because a title that includes the words ‘party’ and ‘predators’ is just too good to pass up) and learned to avoid the Four Loko. In an article about Facebook’s role in a romantic relationship, I learned that just because a guy doesn’t change his relationship status the second you make it official DOESN’T always mean he’s cheating. A guy who puts you on limited profile, though? That guy is sha.dy.

And then I came across this little gem of an article. And by gem I mean “makes you cringe.”

Entitled “I Got Plastic Surgery To Stop The Bullying,” it was the story of Erica and her decision to go under the knife.  Apparently Erica got teased by an “older guy” at school so she decided that she needed a nose job. And her parents agreed? Although, based on the before and after shots, I have an inkling she didn’t stop at the nose. The ‘before’ picture features a pretty blonde girl with a cute little nose.  And the second picture is a different person all together.  Like, there’s no way that this brunette is the same person.  I’m talking, Heidi Montag or Pratt or whatever had a more subtle change than this.

And it gets worse, in a “I can’t believe this is actually happening” sorta way. If only she had me to guide her….

Here is her story:

Seventeen says: “…But comments about my nose kept coming from that older guy and a group of his friends.  This one day in the cafeteria, one of them yelled from across the room: “Hey big nose! Your Ugg boots look like s***!”
Zara says: Ugg boots look like s***, no matter how gorgeous your nose is.

Seventeen says: “Once I have a small nose, people will focus more on who I am as a person and not on my big nose.“
Zara says: Or you could just wait until college when all that popularity stuff doesn’t matter anymore and people judge you on your character. But you’re in high school, Erica! And people are mean in high school! Changing yourself for those jerks is wrong.  After your nose job, people won’t call you “big nose” anymore, but they will find some other reason to make fun of you. Why? Because they are insecure.

Seventeen says: “I was walking down the hall and all of a sudden a guy sneered ‘how much did your new nose cost?’ The bullying started all over again.  I was crushed.  I became known as “the girl with the nose job.”
Zara says: See? Ugh, it breaks my heart.

Seventeen says: “Be honest with yourself.  Don’t do it for your mom, your boyfriend, or anyone else because procedures carry risks.”
Zara Says: Or how about, ‘don’t do it at all?’ There’s a fine line between “doing it for yourself” and “doing it because that boy I like keeps calling me ‘Big Nose,’” and I don’t think 15-year-old girls are mature enough to make the distinction. Nor are they capable of understanding that the guy who makes fun of your imperfections is the one that needs to change, not them. Gah! I see what Seventeen was trying to do here, but they totally missed the mark. These are impressionable young ladies! Can we get some female empowerment up in here?

I mean, should we really be promoting Jack Daniels-fueled riots to 14-year-old girls?!

But that wasn’t even the most WTF part of this month’s issue. That title might go to the editors’ sage advice to send a “flirty” text message to the 8th grade boy you like by saying, “what would we be doing if I was with u right now?”  So flirty texting is the new euphemism for middle school sexting?  Cool.

But wait! There’s more. And it makes sexting advice look like a Disney movie.

Welcome to Seventeen’s guide to decoding the etiquette and mystique that surrounds America’s favorite pastime: porn. [Flips back to the cover to verify that she did not accidentally pick up an issue of Maxim.]

“The Real Deal About Dirty Movies”

Seventeen Says: “The bottom line is: as long as it’s not keeping you from doing things you enjoy or need to do, like going out with your friends on Friday night or finishing homework, you’re probably not addicted.”
Zara says: Maybe it’s just me, but I find something horribly wrong when possible porn addiction is addressed to people who have to “finish up homework.” Is this really a problem for pre-pubescent girls!?

Seventeen says: “Porn is often degrading and dangerous – people have sex without condoms, the men are almost always in control, and the women are sometimes mistreated or called names.”
Zara says: Wow! Now I totally get why so many young ladies are addicted! They make it sound so exciting! On another note….this sounds eerily similar to frat parties. Just sayin’.

Seventeen says: “Porn is designed to turn you on and it’s normal to feel a little guilty at first.  It’s like this new, forbidden (and totally fascinating) world.  Because it’s off-limits, though, it can make you feel guilty.”
Zara says: I read Seventeen when I was in 6th grade. At the ripe age of 22, I would yell at my 12-year-old self for reading something so blatantly inappropriate. Describing porn as fascinating to the same girls who have Jonas Brother posters on their walls?

I feel so….dirty.

Seventeen says: 82% of you have looked at porn.
Zara says: So 18% of you haven’t? WHAT IS WRONG WITH KIDS TODAY?!

Seventeen says (in response to the question “Do guys expect girls to act like porn stars?’): Some guys might, but you can spot them: they’re the same immature guys who make lewd comments about “doing it” or brag or lie about their hookups!”
Zara says: Yeah, these guys are easy to spot.  Really easy, actually, since they make up half of the population.  Or more. I mean, if 82% of little girls are watching it I can only assume that 100% of boys are. Bottom line: you can’t avoid them.

Seventeen says: The noises and facial expressions are all exaggerated, and the actresses’ bodies are often surgically enhanced, too!
Zara says: Maybe we’d all be better off if we shared that piece of information with boys instead of girls?

So Seventeen decided to capitalize on Bieber Fever give their readers what they wanted most — an entire 68-page collector’s issue of the magazine devoted entirely to The Biebs. From a map of his “Tweetest Moments” (including the 14-hour period where, because J. Biebs hadn’t tweeted recently, death rumors emerged) to behind-the-scenes photos and tear-out posters, this issue was all Bieber, all the time.

But it wasn’t all fun and games — this special collector’s issue was informative, too. In a special quiz, I learned that I need a “Bieber-torial” to refresh my knowledge of The Biebs’ favorite color, favorite meal and dream girl. I learned that my fantasy night with Justin would be a candlelit dinner. And I also learned that his fans are CRAZY (Lia from Overland Park, Kansas, has a shrine to Justin in her room, and her parents refer to him as their “future son-in-law”). And Seventeen, as usual, feeds the fire, encouraging its readers that they can stand out by telling The Biebs about their mutual love for the Toronto Maple Leafs and that “getting Justin’s digits is possible.”

As usual, though, the highlight of the issue was a special section devoted to romance: “How to Prep for Your Date with JB.” Because there’s nothing better than encouraging the unrealistic expectations of millions of preteens by feeding into their obsessions. Not to mention the fact that the “essential” items they list (including Mentos — his favorite! — and Softlips Rose Tinted Lip Conditioner) are probably going to see record sales for the next year in fans’ attempts to win his affection.

Justin Says: “Nice eyes catch my attention. Long lashes do too.”
Seventeen Says: Make your eyes look even larger by pumping up your lash length.
Norah Says: Long lashes are pretty? I had no idea! The mascara industry suddenly makes so much more sense. In all seriousness, though, these are the types of groundbreaking tips girls are looking for?

Justin Says: “One of the first things I notice in a girl are her lips, because I like a pretty smile.”
Seventeen Says: Once you have his attention, make sure your lips are silky smooth.
Norah Says: J. Biebs likes a pretty smile — as opposed to most guys, who prefer when a girl grimaces? Note to self: lather on the lip balm. After this tip, Justin will never again have the misfortune of kissing a girl with chapped lips.

Justin Says: “I like a girl to wear what makes her feel the most comfortable with who she is.”
Seventeen Says: Look cute and comfy in a $68 Juicy Couture tee with skinnies and flats.
Norah Says: How ironic that Seventeen is publishing a guide of “never-fail tricks” that tell young women to buy specific products to catch Justin’s eye, when all he wants is a girl who is “comfortable with who she is.” I have a feeling the Seventeen readers who read this issue religiously and take note of Justin’s preferences are not the girls he’s looking for, but more power to them if a little mascara and a mint wins over the biggest teen pop star of 2010.

While they soak their lips in balm, though, I’ll be at home, downloading The Biebs’ top iPod picks for setting a romantic mood and gazing up at my new posters seeking counseling for my growing infatuation with a 16-year-old.