I always feel bad for Nikki Reed. I know she’s in the Twilight movies, but she definitely feels more like a third or fourth tier cast member. I feel like whenever anyone thinks “ladies of Twlight,” Kristen Stewart and Ashley Greene are the first to come to mind, and Nikki only gets recognition/interviews when Kristen and Ashley are otherwise preoccupied. Although at the end of the day, she’s getting far more bank than I ever will (and has way better hair than I do), so maybe I should save my pity for someone more deserving. But why does she look like a gun is being held to her head on the cover? She’s too pretty to look so deranged.

Luckily, the inside of the magazine is a lot more aesthetically pleasing. There’s an abundance of cute holiday fashion (at mostly reasonable prices). I also really appreciate that Seventeen did not promote dieting this issue. They supported eating your favorite treats, but emphasized the importance of moderation. I definitely prefer that message to deprivation, so brava Seventeen. Of course, no issue is complete without relationship advice. This month was definitely focused on “decoding” guys. Without further ado… Read More »

My jaw dropped within the first minute of me opening this “back to school” edition of Seventeen. Why are they suggesting $70 t-shirts and $100 shirts to their readers? I’m not sure who they think their demographic is, but I’m pretty sure it consists of girls who are more likely to shop at Forever 21 than French Connection. That said, I was totally loving their fashion spreads. I love how carefree, eclectic and vibrant it is, and I hope their readers are inspired by that.

When I got to the section on guys and relationships, I was pleasantly surprised by the article on what to say in tricky hookup situations. It was a great piece on openly communicating while still being sensitive and thoughtful. Very impressive. Naturally, it was followed by an article “decoding” guys. Always, always mockable.

Seventeen says: “What are you doing this weekend?”  = “I want to ask you out, but I’m too nervous to ask.”
Jasmine says: Or…he’s just curious about what you’re doing this weekend. While yes, it is possible that he is into you, this phrase is way too vague. Ridiculously uncool of Seventeen to encourage a new generation of girls to overanalyze a guy’s every. single. word. Read More »

I’ll admit it. I’m a sucker for Justin Bieber’s music. And I know I’m not the only one — earlier this month, his “Baby” video became the most watched YouTube video of all time, with over 271 MILLION views to date. There’s just something about his sweetly girlish voice and danceable beats that make his songs infectious.

So Seventeen decided to capitalize on Bieber Fever give their readers what they wanted most — an entire 68-page collector’s issue of the magazine devoted entirely to The Biebs. From a map of his “Tweetest Moments” (including the 14-hour period where, because J. Biebs hadn’t tweeted recently, death rumors emerged) to behind-the-scenes photos and tear-out posters, this issue was all Bieber, all the time.

But it wasn’t all fun and games — this special collector’s issue was informative, too. In a special quiz, I learned that I need a “Bieber-torial” to refresh my knowledge of The Biebs’ favorite color, favorite meal and dream girl. I learned that my fantasy night with Justin would be a candlelit dinner. And I also learned that his fans are CRAZY (Lia from Overland Park, Kansas, has a shrine to Justin in her room, and her parents refer to him as their “future son-in-law”). And Seventeen, as usual, feeds the fire, encouraging its readers that they can stand out by telling The Biebs about their mutual love for the Toronto Maple Leafs and that “getting Justin’s digits is possible.”

As usual, though, the highlight of the issue was a special section devoted to romance: “How to Prep for Your Date with JB.” Because there’s nothing better than encouraging the unrealistic expectations of millions of preteens by feeding into their obsessions. Not to mention the fact that the “essential” items they list (including Mentos — his favorite! — and Softlips Rose Tinted Lip Conditioner) are probably going to see record sales for the next year in fans’ attempts to win his affection. Read More »

Continuing its industry-leading efforts to provide strong role models to its female readers, Seventeen once again chose a winner for this month’s cover: Barbados’ own marijuana maven, Rihanna. Nothing like trashing hotel rooms and smoking illicit substances to inspire girls to be their best and make their dreams a reality. But aside from sharing “The Awesome Reason She’s So Happy Now,” Seventeen also provided us with an excess of tear-out pages designed to get us in gear for the school year.

From three foot wide “Ultimate Jeans Guide!” to the overly-complicated six-week workout plan in “Get Your Best Body for Back-to-School,” it seemed like the brains behind the Seventeen operation did their best to inspire readers to destroy the latest issue in a vain attempt to neatly tear through the delicate magazine paper. But fear not, dear readers, for the juicy insider secrets and advice within the magazine itself was brilliant as ever.

As usual, I skipped over the fashion stories (who knew denim would be big this fall?) and headed straight to the Love Life section. In “Dude Drama,” Nadia shared the story of her ill-fated tryst with an Internet lover. It began as all great romances do: “When I was 15, I fell in love with a guy I met online.” That didn’t work out well? Shocker. We were also treated to the “real MySpace breakup convo” between 16-year-old Jessie and her sleazy boyfriend. Honey, I feel for you, but MySpace? Really?

“The Wild Stuff He Says Behind Your Back” contained some of the usual anti-sexting propaganda (but really, high school students: stop sending naked photos to your bf), along with some other “surprises”: Sometimes guys rank girls! Sometimes guys exaggerate! Sometimes guys…turn to their older guy friends for kissing tutorials? (Although, to be fair, that “over the shoulder makeout maneuver” is the closest Seventeen‘s ever gotten to publishing anything remotely sexy, albeit neck-pain inducing.) Read More »

This cover is going to give me a seizure.

I love reading magazines year-round, but nothing really says “summer” like laying out in the sun with a margarita and the newest issue of a teen mag. So when I opened up the newest issue of Seventeen, I knew I was in for a treat. Unfortunately, the Seventeen staff underestimated my need for juicy preteen advice and combined their June and July issues into one, but suffice it to say that this issue still contains a few gems only Seventeen would run in its pages.

In “Beauty Road Trip,” they broke make-up trends down to a science. Who knew that Minnesota girls like bright nail polish, while girls in Virginia stick to lavender? I highly doubt that beauty trends are really that regionalized–just because Lindsey from Tennessee wears body mist doesn’t mean that most Tennessee girls do. Or that I’m out of place for sporting some outside of Tennessee. Strange, strange story, Seventeen.

Your June/July issue also includes a special “Hot Guy Mag” featuring brooding photos of our favorite male celebs with pseudo-revealing Q&A interviews. Take notes, ladies: Justin Bieber doesn’t want to get married right now, my lover Mark Salling wants you to take him fishing, and Liam Hemsworth is obsessed with Best Buy.

But as usual, Seventeen‘s best advice was in their Love Life section in a story called “Sneaky Ways to Tell You’re About to Get Dumped.” First of all, let me point out that none of the signs they mentioned required any sneakiness at all. Maybe I’m jaded, but it seems to me that if your guy is ignoring you, he’s probably not interested anymore. But on to their advice…AKA “signs your bf’s bored with you.” Read More »

Growing up, Seventeen represented everything I hoped to be when I was a teenager: confident, beautiful, fashion-forward, flirtatious. I remember hauling stacks of old issues to a big table at the library, reading quickly to absorb their wisdom before my mom found me–she thought the content was a little too “mature” for a girl my age. And though Seventeen wasn’t my favorite teen mag (anyone remember YM? BEST MAGAZINE EVER.), I idolized Atoosa Rubenstein (former Seventeen editor-in-chief and founder of CosmoGIRL!) and set my sights on working for the magazine when I grew up.

What I failed to realize was that the readers of Seventeen were actually mostly awkward 12-year-olds like myself. The girls who I aspired to be like when I was a teenager were probably actually reading Cosmo, but that’s another story. But I took everything within the pages of each issue of Seventeen as an unequivocal guide to how to live my life, not once questioning the validity of content written for 17-year-olds but read by their little sisters. Luckily, I’m now 20 years old and have seen the error in my ways, so I’m here to check out the “expert advice” Seventeen‘s spitting at our next generation of young women.

In this month’s issue, I learned such gems as “Switch to decaf drinks after 4 p.m.” (but Seventeen, that’s when I start drinking caffeinated drinks!) and the fact that Megan “Toe-Thumbs” Fox once held a job in a smoothie café that required her to wear a banana costume. Fascinating. But, as usual, the greatest inspiration was in the “Love Life” section of the magazine. I learned that confessing your undying love for your male best friend has absolutely no negative consequences, and that guys find it weird when you sneak into their rooms to await their return home. Who knew? But the greatest advice of all lies within a story entitled “Sneaky Ways to Tell He’s Secretly in Love with You,” because Lord knows 13-year-old girls weren’t already assuming that their secret crushes also love them back. Read More »

I always find myself procrastinating so much during finals week that sometimes I have to procrastinate from my original procrastinating. You know it’s bad when you have to take a break from what you were doing to take a break from your studies. Needless to say, I accumulated a list of go-to games, puzzles and quizzes that would keep me preoccupied when times in the library get tough, and I’d like to share a few of those with you.

Your tired brain can thank me later.

The Impossible Quiz: Honestly, I still haven’t finished this quiz. If anyone out there can tell me how to beat question 15, I would die for that knowledge. This one will make you pull your hair out, but my dedication to the cause keeps me coming back for more. I think you’ll find yourself feeling similarly.

Seventeen.com Quizzes: This site has everything you’ve ever wanted to know about yourself. Literally. Do you want to know what your purse says about you? Seventeen knows. Is your boyfriend about to dump you? Ask Seventeen. I could spend an entire 48 hours taking these quizzes and finally decoding the mystery of life. Read More »

[I want it, I need it, I can’t live without it. There are so many things on store shelves and racks right now that we want to take home and hang in our closets. Things that are so cute, everyone should know about them. We’ll share ‘em with you here (because we’re that nice), but as far as actually getting them goes….well, you’re on your own with that one.]

There’s something oddly bad-ass about wearing a headband that you actually wear on your head. It’s an oddly sexy combination of rock star style and hippy chic. Often seen on the likes of Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton, I LOVE how they look, but have yet to actually wear or buy one.

However, my most sincere desire to try the look started when I saw the Coach Penelope Flower Lariat on Selena Gomez in the December issue of Seventeen.

The lariat features seven different types of cut-out-leather flowers in shades of red, pink, and purple with metallic stitching and retails for $198. It’s also almost impossible to find online and sold out at many Coach retail stores. Sigh. Ban.Do and Stacey Lapidus have some VERY cute (and very pricy!) alternatives, featuring crystal, feathers, and braided details. Read More »

My first boyfriend was uncircumcised. At the young, inexperienced age of fourteen, I realized this only because one day while chilling on the futon in the den having a post BJ-sesh chat, he informed me that some of the girls he had been with (because as a sixteen-year-old senior, he was far more sexually experienced than my freshman self) were initially freaked out by the au natural state of his Scottish-born ween. Huh, I remember thinking. He’s not circumcised. So THAT’s what that looks like.

It’s not like I was totally ignorant. I had been reading Seventeen and YM since I was nine. I knew all about hymens and G-spots and that you couldn’t get pregnant from a boy shooting his load into the open waters of a hot tub, so I certainly knew that some gents had foreskins and some did not; I just wasn’t really sure what that meant, anatomically.

I didn’t actually fully experience the difference between the two until about ten months later when my boyfriend and I were “on a break” and I hooked up with another boy, birthed in the good old U.S. of A. and fully shorn to prove it. As we sweatily made out on the couch, I jammed my hand in to his shorts, confidently grabbed a hold of his manparts, and…proceeded to give him the rawest handjob in the history of the earth.

For those of you who are lost, allow me to explain. On an uncircumcised boy, one can give some kind of an HJ without any sort of lube at all. Granted, as I have aged I have learned that some lube is certainly preferable to none in any case, but a fluid up and down motion causing some pleasurable sensations is achievable. But on the circumcised penis? Without the pliable sheath of the foreskin acting as a kind of…sleeve or whatever*, all that an unlubed HJ will achieve is some serious chafing and sad faces all around. Aww. Read More »

Maybe it’s just that I’m getting old and I don’t understand kids today. I don’t watch MTV, hell, I don’t even have cable, I don’t read Seventeen or Cosmo, and I only know so much about Disney stars as far as they have awkward-tastic scandals involving naked pictures. So obviously I’m missing something big if the following guys are supposed to be making my heart or other various parts of my body go pitter patter.

5. Daniel Radcliffe. You may be questioning if Mr. Potter himself could really be considered a heartthrob and I’m inclined to agree with you. After all, that is sort of what this post is all about. But apparently he is, he even has his own section on the Tiger Beat Website. I can admit that he’s cute in a pesky little brother sort of way, I’ll even admit that he was hilarious in his cameo on HBO’s Extras (“I’ve done it with a girl, intercourse wise”). But sexy? Absolutely not. And if that picture makes your girl parts tingly, well, maybe you should get that checked out. Read More »