So, in between endless reruns of A-List and RuPaul’s Drag Race, LOGO airs a gem called Bad Sex. Ten people with varying levels of sexual dysfunction all seek help, but unlike most other “tough love” type reality shows, the person from whom they’re receiving therapy is a) sex positive and b) a certified sex therapist. Last week, I had the opportunity to interview Chris Donaghue, star of Bad Sex, and ask him about some of the sexual dysfunctions featured on the show.

CC: What is the premise of Bad Sex?
CD: It’s an exploration of the sex lives of 10 different participants, ranging from every gender, every sexual orientation, every age group. Bi, gay, straight, questioning. From sex addiction to sexual anorexia, love addiction and coming out stories. It’s not a gay show. There are only 2-3 people who are gay. It’s the kind of show that can tap into the heterosexual.

CC: How do you approach your patients?
CD: I’m not gentle, but I’m not penalizing.  You have to oscillate. It’s important to hold these people accountable to some of their bad behavior, but then you have to show up with empathy, and be loving and care-taking around more vulnerable patients.

CC: How do you identify a sex addiction?
CD: We’re at a time — culturally, socially, psychologically — where everyone is wanting to identify out of the norm and classify hypersexual behavior as a sex addiction. It’s kind of shaming some people’s sexuality. You can be hypersexual without it being addiction. Addiction is not about quantity. There’s no magic number. Everyone has an individual comfort level. It’s about the outcome. If your sex life is creating problems in your daily life, it’s a problem. If your sex life is creating shame and guilt, it’s a problem. If it’s impairing, it’s a problem. If you’re feeling confident and there are no negative consequences, it’s great. But, especially for women who enjoy sex, they may be labeled a slut. If you acknowledge that you love sex, and know you’ll be called a slut, you’re not going to carry around protection for fear of being labeled and you’re setting yourself up for negative consequences. The word “slut” needs to be eradicated.

CC: On the flip side, what is sexual anorexia? 
CD: Instead of acting out sexually, it’s a fear and avoidance and discomfort and rejection of sex.  It mirrors food anorexia. Sex anorexics don’t want to consume or talk about sex. There is a difference between a sexual anorexic and a late bloomer. A late bloomer is someone who holds off on sex, but they’re confident in their choice and they can own it and talk about it. Sexual anorexics have anxiety — they don’t want to think about it. It is usually born out of trauma.

CC: What is the most common sexual dysfunction?
CD: If I’m working with couples, disparate sexual desire — one partner wants sex way more than the other. Also, love and sex addiction, which is usually encouraged by the internet in that it is always accessible and confidential. Women and men are cheating online via webcams and sexting. It’s becoming compulsive and impulsive. They get caught up in it to the detriment of a healthy sex life.

CC: How does that happen?
CC: Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. Sex became more attractive as a way to cope or check out. Their sex isn’t wholesome, healing or pleasure based. They have shame and guilt. They’re not having happy relationships. It happens when people get into a relationship, and they can’t handle another level of intimacy, so they get it taken care of out of the relationship. More men are sex addicts, more women are love addicts — obsessively reading romance novels, watching certain tv shows, starting online relationships, their whole life shrinks to one addiction.

CC: What role does self-esteem play in sexual dysfunction?
CD: Self-esteem is the basis of everything. It’s at the core. Getting more self-esteem is how you start to raise the bar and demand better, and don’t allow unhealthy behaviors or addictions.

CC: How do you start re-building self-esteem?
CD: Isolating problematic behaviors. Take a break and recover. Restructure life. Building a nurturing social circle. Engaging in romantic relationships that feel wholesome or nurturing. Finding a purpose in life.

CC: What is the neurology of sex?
CD: Everything that happens has a neurological aspect. Every change in our behavior creates a change in our brain. Love addiction or sexual anorexia reshapes your brain and you set up your brain to not welcome a relationship or it wants constant stimulation. You have to rewire your brain through changing your behavior.

CC: Why is our culture so sex-negative.
CD: We use words that show/imply embarrassment. We don’t say vagina, we say “down there.” I’m a fan of correct language. It’s okay to talk about sex and sexuality. Get the words out there so people don’t shudder. There’s so much shame in our bodies and our sexuality. Our culture, religion and education dump our issues on us and they teach us which words to use. Using “slut” and “down there,” I have to stop and say “do you mean…?” and don’t shame them.

CC: How do you communicate effectively?
CD: A lot of couples operate from a place of mind-reading. If sex isn’t feeling good or you’re interested in trying other things, tell them. It’s about getting comfortable having a conversation. At first your partner might be awkward, but you have to do it. Coming out is scary and it isn’t just for gay people. You come out over and over again, because your sex life might change. You have to work to express the range of your sexuality. Vocalizing how you feel.  Relax and allow yourself to receive. It’s okay to be self-absorbed. Sex challenges our body esteem. Get comfortable with your body and what it looks like and feels like.

Are you totally obsessed with him yet? A guy on TV promoting healthy, positive, non slut-shamey attitudes toward sex? I am! Catch Bad Sex on LOGO Fridays at 9:00pm. You can also stream the episodes at logotv.com!

So it seems CollegeCandy’s Dude is the most popular guy, like, ever. You ladies just can’t get enough. You’d think he was Bradley Cooper! (Maybe he is….that’s one secret we’ll never tell.) Luckily, this guy’s a giver (even more reason to love him) and he’s gonna bring you even more of his wisdom. Only instead of answering specific questions, he’s telling us what we all want to know and never had the balls to ask. (Like what guys are thinking when we’re goin’ at it.) Don’t worry, he’ll still be back every Wednesday for Ask a Dude!

They say that 60% of all men cheat and 70% of the women who’re being cheated on pretend it’s not happening. Well, I’m not sure if I believe in statistics (or that Justin Bieber’s got testicles) but I have known me some men who’ve crossed the fidelity line. Why? What lead them astray? What could possibly compel them to? Should you forgive him?

Ladies, we’re going for a ride inside 11 (anybody can do 10!) cheatin’ causes.  Let me make this clear: I’m here to offer you reasons for why he cheats, not excuses he gives you after you’ve caught him cheating.

1. Revenge f**k!
This is purely out of spite. You got caught and he took the opportunity to stick it to you by sticking into another woman. It ain’t mature and gets messy as Hell. Which is worse, the first offense or the last?

2. You haven’t seen each other in 6 months
Absence could make the heart grow fonder but also the pee-pee wander.  You can almost track your connection slipping away across the map on your iPhone’s GPS. Soon, each day you feel yourself growing apart from one another and then an opportunity arises, an oasis in the desert of uncertainty and isolation. So, he takes a drink. Don’t let anyone fool ya, the LDR ain’t for the weak willed. Read More »

I like sex.

Okay, I love sex. I prefer to have it multiple times a day. And maybe I enjoy blowjobs more than the average girl (giving 6 a day on a weekend is normal, right?). I’ve had sex in some pretty ridiculous places. Roofs. Cars. Stairwells. I think dressing up and dirty talk are super fun and healthy activities. I kind of get mad if I don’t get it every night. And when I masturbate I can’t stop at just one orgasm (and, trust me, can go upwards of twenty). I unabashedly love porn. I have vibrators and I’m not afraid to use them. The only claim to sexual “shame” I’ve got is that I’ve never had an orgasm from penetration only – but I guess that’s a common thing.

But does that mean I have an addiction? Read More »

They're trying to make him go to rehab, I say BS, BS, BS

Somehow in the past year it became common practice for famous husbands to cheat on their wives (multiple times) and drag them through an insane media circus culminating in a trip to rehab.

Tiger did it.
And now Jesse James is on his way, too.

Now, I can actually get behind rehab for sex addiction, but seriously?  These guys seem to have a very specific kind of problem: the I sleep with grimy pornstars instead of my super-hot wife who actually loves me disorder.  Right.  It seems that rehab has turned into a holding cell for generally douchy men and if that’s the case, what’s next?

Belligerent Drunk Therapy
For the guy who thinks he’s a WWE wrestler every time he drinks. He picks fights with the bouncer who makes him wait in line, with the guy who accidentally bumped into him while walking through the crowded bar, the random guy in the pink shirt (because “pink shirts are for pussies”). He puffs out his chest at anyone and everyone and can’t take a shot without throwing a punch. But don’t dump him, baby. He can go to rehab!

Bro Addiction Therapy
He’s all sweet and mushy when the two of you are alone, but get him with his friends and it’s like you don’t exist. Suddenly he’s a swaggering cocky bro who will do just about anything to impress his boys. Crush a beer can on his head? Duh. Hit on other girls at the bar? Why not? Stand you up for date night to play HALO with the boys for 7 hours? These are his boys, yo, get over it. This is nothing Dr. Drew can’t handle…. Read More »

David Duchovny has it. Halle Berry keeps getting involved with guys who have it. And you can supposedly add Michael Douglas, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears and a slew of other celebs to the list(s). But really, what is sex addiction, and do you or I have it?

Sex addiction is not about having a lot of sex or really, really enjoying it. Sex addiction is when someone’s sexual preoccupation causes their life to become unmanageable, demonstrated through a range of behaviors including pornography, voyeurism, masturbation and promiscuity. Over time, the behavior can become more intense as the addict’s need intensifies as they attempt to use sex to escape their problems.

In a case like Duchovny, whose addiction was to internet porn, simply having more sex with your partner will not satifsy the addiction. So much of the thrill and enjoyment lies in obtaining the sex and afterward, the addict often feels ashamed or embarrassed after the episode only to go on to repeat the behavior again and again because they cannot control their impulses.

Like drugs or alcohol, sex addiction dominates your life and is just as potentially destructive, as addicts may turn to prostitutes, go into tremendous debt, lose their jobs, put their health at risk and destroy relationships. It’s not a joke nor is it an excuse for infidelity.

If you’re curious and want to learn more or if you want to know where you stand, you can visit the sex addicts anonymous website or take the 45 questions assessment at sexhelp.com.

Daniel Radcliffe …for some reason… would love to play a drag queen

Freud was right. We’re all gross.

Nothing says “save my career” like playing a stalker

What they don’t tell you on TV about losing weight

Dora “the Hoochie” Explorer

My Fall Resolution is to find a hat that doesn’t make my face look stupid

How NOT to get laid

These Mamas make hardcore ciz-ash

Who’s got the better mullet?

Are you ready for some “deep” Vampires?

Treat that sex addiction

Our dreams have come true: Josh Hartnett has a sex tape.

People are always telling me that it is better to have loved and lost then never loved at all. And depending on the day, I tend to believe that.

That feeling of being in love is like nothing else; it is surreal, divine and really can’t be put into words. Being able to experience that – even if it ends badly – is totally worth it.

But the real question no one is asking is if it is better to have f*@#ed and lost than never to have f*@#ed at all.

I never really thought about it before, but my friend (and not the proverbial friend….really, a friend) is currently experiencing a long (looooooong) dry spell and is going absolutely crazy.

Having spent a good long year in a relationship filled with sex – sometimes 4 times a day – her current situation is hitting her hard making it nearly impossible to forget that delectable sextuation (get it? Sex +situation = sextuation!) she had before. Read More »