So, in between endless reruns of A-List and RuPaul’s Drag Race, LOGO airs a gem called Bad Sex. Ten people with varying levels of sexual dysfunction all seek help, but unlike most other “tough love” type reality shows, the person from whom they’re receiving therapy is a) sex positive and b) a certified sex therapist. Last week, I had the opportunity to interview Chris Donaghue, star of Bad Sex, and ask him about some of the sexual dysfunctions featured on the show.

CC: What is the premise of Bad Sex?
CD: It’s an exploration of the sex lives of 10 different participants, ranging from every gender, every sexual orientation, every age group. Bi, gay, straight, questioning. From sex addiction to sexual anorexia, love addiction and coming out stories. It’s not a gay show. There are only 2-3 people who are gay. It’s the kind of show that can tap into the heterosexual.

CC: How do you approach your patients?
CD: I’m not gentle, but I’m not penalizing.  You have to oscillate. It’s important to hold these people accountable to some of their bad behavior, but then you have to show up with empathy, and be loving and care-taking around more vulnerable patients.

CC: How do you identify a sex addiction?
CD: We’re at a time — culturally, socially, psychologically — where everyone is wanting to identify out of the norm and classify hypersexual behavior as a sex addiction. It’s kind of shaming some people’s sexuality. You can be hypersexual without it being addiction. Addiction is not about quantity. There’s no magic number. Everyone has an individual comfort level. It’s about the outcome. If your sex life is creating problems in your daily life, it’s a problem. If your sex life is creating shame and guilt, it’s a problem. If it’s impairing, it’s a problem. If you’re feeling confident and there are no negative consequences, it’s great. But, especially for women who enjoy sex, they may be labeled a slut. If you acknowledge that you love sex, and know you’ll be called a slut, you’re not going to carry around protection for fear of being labeled and you’re setting yourself up for negative consequences. The word “slut” needs to be eradicated.

CC: On the flip side, what is sexual anorexia? 
CD: Instead of acting out sexually, it’s a fear and avoidance and discomfort and rejection of sex.  It mirrors food anorexia. Sex anorexics don’t want to consume or talk about sex. There is a difference between a sexual anorexic and a late bloomer. A late bloomer is someone who holds off on sex, but they’re confident in their choice and they can own it and talk about it. Sexual anorexics have anxiety — they don’t want to think about it. It is usually born out of trauma.

CC: What is the most common sexual dysfunction?
CD: If I’m working with couples, disparate sexual desire — one partner wants sex way more than the other. Also, love and sex addiction, which is usually encouraged by the internet in that it is always accessible and confidential. Women and men are cheating online via webcams and sexting. It’s becoming compulsive and impulsive. They get caught up in it to the detriment of a healthy sex life.

CC: How does that happen?
CC: Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. Sex became more attractive as a way to cope or check out. Their sex isn’t wholesome, healing or pleasure based. They have shame and guilt. They’re not having happy relationships. It happens when people get into a relationship, and they can’t handle another level of intimacy, so they get it taken care of out of the relationship. More men are sex addicts, more women are love addicts — obsessively reading romance novels, watching certain tv shows, starting online relationships, their whole life shrinks to one addiction.

CC: What role does self-esteem play in sexual dysfunction?
CD: Self-esteem is the basis of everything. It’s at the core. Getting more self-esteem is how you start to raise the bar and demand better, and don’t allow unhealthy behaviors or addictions.

CC: How do you start re-building self-esteem?
CD: Isolating problematic behaviors. Take a break and recover. Restructure life. Building a nurturing social circle. Engaging in romantic relationships that feel wholesome or nurturing. Finding a purpose in life.

CC: What is the neurology of sex?
CD: Everything that happens has a neurological aspect. Every change in our behavior creates a change in our brain. Love addiction or sexual anorexia reshapes your brain and you set up your brain to not welcome a relationship or it wants constant stimulation. You have to rewire your brain through changing your behavior.

CC: Why is our culture so sex-negative.
CD: We use words that show/imply embarrassment. We don’t say vagina, we say “down there.” I’m a fan of correct language. It’s okay to talk about sex and sexuality. Get the words out there so people don’t shudder. There’s so much shame in our bodies and our sexuality. Our culture, religion and education dump our issues on us and they teach us which words to use. Using “slut” and “down there,” I have to stop and say “do you mean…?” and don’t shame them.

CC: How do you communicate effectively?
CD: A lot of couples operate from a place of mind-reading. If sex isn’t feeling good or you’re interested in trying other things, tell them. It’s about getting comfortable having a conversation. At first your partner might be awkward, but you have to do it. Coming out is scary and it isn’t just for gay people. You come out over and over again, because your sex life might change. You have to work to express the range of your sexuality. Vocalizing how you feel.  Relax and allow yourself to receive. It’s okay to be self-absorbed. Sex challenges our body esteem. Get comfortable with your body and what it looks like and feels like.

Are you totally obsessed with him yet? A guy on TV promoting healthy, positive, non slut-shamey attitudes toward sex? I am! Catch Bad Sex on LOGO Fridays at 9:00pm. You can also stream the episodes at logotv.com!

So it seems CollegeCandy’s Dude is the most popular guy, like, ever. You ladies just can’t get enough. You’d think he was Bradley Cooper! (Maybe he is….that’s one secret we’ll never tell.) Luckily, this guy’s a giver (even more reason to love him) and he’s gonna bring you even more of his wisdom. Only instead of answering specific questions, he’s telling us what we all want to know and never had the balls to ask. (Like what guys are thinking when we’re goin’ at it.) Don’t worry, he’ll still be back every Wednesday for Ask a Dude!

They say that 60% of all men cheat and 70% of the women who’re being cheated on pretend it’s not happening. Well, I’m not sure if I believe in statistics (or that Justin Bieber’s got testicles) but I have known me some men who’ve crossed the fidelity line. Why? What lead them astray? What could possibly compel them to? Should you forgive him?

Ladies, we’re going for a ride inside 11 (anybody can do 10!) cheatin’ causes.  Let me make this clear: I’m here to offer you reasons for why he cheats, not excuses he gives you after you’ve caught him cheating.

1. Revenge f**k!
This is purely out of spite. You got caught and he took the opportunity to stick it to you by sticking into another woman. It ain’t mature and gets messy as Hell. Which is worse, the first offense or the last?

2. You haven’t seen each other in 6 months
Absence could make the heart grow fonder but also the pee-pee wander.  You can almost track your connection slipping away across the map on your iPhone’s GPS. Soon, each day you feel yourself growing apart from one another and then an opportunity arises, an oasis in the desert of uncertainty and isolation. So, he takes a drink. Don’t let anyone fool ya, the LDR ain’t for the weak willed.

3. He thinks he found something better
In my guestimation, this is about the scariest one on this list. The relationship can be going great. You’ve never even had a real fight! Then, WHAM! Sparks are flying. Unfortunately, they’re flying with another woman who came from out of nowhere. He makes a choice, he’s “gotta know.” This one’s the heartbreaker, kids.

4. The “what if” girl
You’ve probably met her! You’ve at least heard fifty thousand stories about their high school adventures or their elementary school daze. She was his first crush. Maybe she was his “one that got away.” The best girl friend, perhaps? But she’s never been interested or they’ve never been single at the same time. Turned out, all it took was her being single and interested at any time.

5. Commitment phobia
Only one woman to have sex with? For, like, ever? Or, like, the foreseeable future? Or, like, the past week? We’ve all crossed paths with people who just aren’t built for monogamy.

6. Boredom
Believe it or not, according to a few studies, and some field work on my part, this is the most common answer men give for why they cheat. The word even sounds dull and empty when you say it. Try it. “Boredom.” He’s tired of steak for every meal. So, he goes out for a burger, just for a change of pace. Fast food f*cking as it were.

7. Sexaholic
There is a legit diagnosis for sex addiction. Nymphomaniacs walk among us. There are people who literally cannot function unless the first thing they do in the morning is go on Adult Friend Finder (or eduhookups) and make a date with a stranger for later that night. These people have to have sex. It’s a disease… (Tissue? Anyone?)

8. For the thrill
At first glance, you might think this falls under number 6 on the list. You’d be off by just a hair. Some guys cheat because they are turned on at the thought of getting caught. He has to basically make up two different lives with two different people (or however many as he’s sampling from). The fact you might catch him is the adrenaline rush he’s looking for. Cheating’s taboo. People get off on taboos. That’s why they’re taboos.

9.  He’s feeling neglected and unfulfilled from your relationship
“Infidelity’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.” To which came the famous reply, “Yeah? Well now that symptom is f*cking my wife.” Rob Reiner did make great movies once…I digress. Sometimes the greatest distance between two people is the six inch chasm between his side and her side of the bed. Something’s wrong and neither of you are talking about it. A lot of times this is the result of the problem being bottled up until you both feel suffocated. So, he looks for an oxygen mask to fall from the ceiling, and her name is Jenny. And her breasts are bigger than yours.

10. He’s a narcissistic prick who doesn’t care
He’s a dick and that’s all he thinks with. He might not even remember your last name half the time. Yet you are surprised when he treats you exactly the way your mom, sister, best friend, co-worker, therapist, and priest predicted he would. I know what you’re thinking, “how could it happen? He’s a Leo and I’m a Scorpio! It was meant to be!” Unfortunately, you’re not the center of this guy’s universe. His penis is, and every woman is just another planet to orbit around it.

11. He was drunk
I’ve saved what I predict will be the most debated for last. Is this really a reason? Or is this just an excuse? After all, he made a choice. Alcohol only takes away inhibitions, not desires. I put this one out there solely for discussion. He might have been drunk enough to think he was having sex with you. He might have been so wasted he doesn’t remember what he did or why. Is this one a matter of severity? If he’s only tipsy then is it just an excuse but if he’s truly lost all sense of judgment and control then is it a reason?

Here’s the hardest pill to swallow, ladies. All men involved in a relationship, at one point or another, think about or imagine what it would be like to cheat. Some guys even get little crushes on other women. Some of them just let it go at the fantasy. Some of them cross the line, and then you’ve gotta “nail, his, ASS!”

That’s all.
— Your friendly neighborhood Dude

I like sex.

Okay, I love sex. I prefer to have it multiple times a day. And maybe I enjoy blowjobs more than the average girl (giving 6 a day on a weekend is normal, right?). I’ve had sex in some pretty ridiculous places. Roofs. Cars. Stairwells. I think dressing up and dirty talk are super fun and healthy activities. I kind of get mad if I don’t get it every night. And when I masturbate I can’t stop at just one orgasm (and, trust me, can go upwards of twenty). I unabashedly love porn. I have vibrators and I’m not afraid to use them. The only claim to sexual “shame” I’ve got is that I’ve never had an orgasm from penetration only – but I guess that’s a common thing.

But does that mean I have an addiction?

I don’t, won’t and never have had multiple partners at once. I’m able to get my work done without being distracted by sex. Of course there are times when I allow myself to wander onto porn when I should be studying, but I would never, ever do that at my job or skip important obligations to do so. I am not hooking up with random guys or guys that I’m not fully committed to. I’m not having dangerous, violent, unsafe or illegal sex. I just really, really, really REALLY like it.

But how much is too much?

I’ve always been very sexually charged in relationships (and again, very safe and exclusive) and even more so on my own. I can still remember my first orgasm like it was yesterday and how I repeated that feeling over and over every day when I was “showering” from age twelve on. I think it got even crazier with my first serious boyfriend in college. I’d had boyfriends but never got intimate with them and then I started mixing alcohol with romance. Once I was able to lubricate (ha ha?) my mind, I started to experiment more. And more. And finally, once I was 100% confident with myself in the bedroom, got even more experimental sans booze. I became uninhibited and wanted to try new things all the time. And my guy at the time was totally comfortable with it, to the point that it made our necessary break-up almost impossible, majorly due to the fantastic sex.

Now, I’ve moved onto a different (again, serious, exclusive) relationship…. with a man who is totally shocked by my behavior in bed. Like, to the point where he’s brought up addiction more than once.

To say it terrified me is akin to saying I sorta like gettin’ it on.  Read: major understatement.
It made me question my sexual side, my desires, my fantasies.

Am I addicted or just super overly sexual?
Is there a difference?

With all these celebs checking into sex rehab and even Doctor Drew creating a show to cure it, it has me wondering and even a little scared if I really do have an addiction. It must be bad if a rehab exists for it, right? And I’m sure I’ve got the symptoms, like when my boyfriend doesn’t want to sleep with me after an exhausting, grueling day and I get mad. Not just irritated, full-blown silent-treatment, crazy girl angry.

The media (and Tiger Woods) tells us that guys are the sex-obsessed ones. Am I an exception to the rule? Am I a “slut” because I indulge in self-pleasure and sexual intimacy with men I’m in love with? Should I change who I am or is there even a problem?

They're trying to make him go to rehab, I say BS, BS, BS

Somehow in the past year it became common practice for famous husbands to cheat on their wives (multiple times) and drag them through an insane media circus culminating in a trip to rehab.

Tiger did it.
And now Jesse James is on his way, too.

Now, I can actually get behind rehab for sex addiction, but seriously?  These guys seem to have a very specific kind of problem: the I sleep with grimy pornstars instead of my super-hot wife who actually loves me disorder.  Right.  It seems that rehab has turned into a holding cell for generally douchy men and if that’s the case, what’s next?

Belligerent Drunk Therapy
For the guy who thinks he’s a WWE wrestler every time he drinks. He picks fights with the bouncer who makes him wait in line, with the guy who accidentally bumped into him while walking through the crowded bar, the random guy in the pink shirt (because “pink shirts are for pussies”). He puffs out his chest at anyone and everyone and can’t take a shot without throwing a punch. But don’t dump him, baby. He can go to rehab!

Bro Addiction Therapy
He’s all sweet and mushy when the two of you are alone, but get him with his friends and it’s like you don’t exist. Suddenly he’s a swaggering cocky bro who will do just about anything to impress his boys. Crush a beer can on his head? Duh. Hit on other girls at the bar? Why not? Stand you up for date night to play HALO with the boys for 7 hours? These are his boys, yo, get over it. This is nothing Dr. Drew can’t handle….

Slacker Rehab
Aw, he can’t help being a slacker!  There’s too much going on in the living room for him to leave it!  I mean, when the TV and the bong are in there, he’d rather go hungry than stand up to do anything.  He just sits there. all. day. long.  He barely takes care of himself, let alone do anything special for you. But he’s not a bad boyfriend, he just has an addiction. To slothiness. All he needs is 6 weeks in treatment, right?

Committment Phobia Therapy
Perhaps a nice spin around a couple of group sharing sessions will bring him to his senses.

Jealous Rage Rehab
He flexes his muscles at anyone who looks at you, constantly calls you when you’re out with the girls and has been going through your phone for months.  Which, mind you, he wouldn’t have to do if you stopped acting so suspiciously. Don’t kick him to the curb – just get him some help, Tiger-style.

Sex addiction is not about having a lot of sex or really, really enjoying it. Sex addiction is when someone’s sexual preoccupation causes their life to become unmanageable, demonstrated through a range of behaviors including pornography, voyeurism, masturbation and promiscuity. Over time, the behavior can become more intense as the addict’s need intensifies as they attempt to use sex to escape their problems.

In a case like Duchovny, whose addiction was to internet porn, simply having more sex with your partner will not satifsy the addiction. So much of the thrill and enjoyment lies in obtaining the sex and afterward, the addict often feels ashamed or embarrassed after the episode only to go on to repeat the behavior again and again because they cannot control their impulses.

Like drugs or alcohol, sex addiction dominates your life and is just as potentially destructive, as addicts may turn to prostitutes, go into tremendous debt, lose their jobs, put their health at risk and destroy relationships. It’s not a joke nor is it an excuse for infidelity.

If you’re curious and want to learn more or if you want to know where you stand, you can visit the sex addicts anonymous website or take the 45 questions assessment at sexhelp.com.

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Treat that sex addiction

Our dreams have come true: Josh Hartnett has a sex tape.

That feeling of being in love is like nothing else; it is surreal, divine and really can’t be put into words. Being able to experience that – even if it ends badly – is totally worth it.

But the real question no one is asking is if it is better to have f*@#ed and lost than never to have f*@#ed at all.

I never really thought about it before, but my friend (and not the proverbial friend….really, a friend) is currently experiencing a long (looooooong) dry spell and is going absolutely crazy.

Having spent a good long year in a relationship filled with sex – sometimes 4 times a day – her current situation is hitting her hard making it nearly impossible to forget that delectable sextuation (get it? Sex +situation = sextuation!) she had before.

She even started watching porn.

And it made me think; before I had my first lover, I really didn’t crave sex. Sure, I wanted to fit in with the crowd or find someone I cared about enough to share such an intimate moment with, but I had no idea what I was missing, so how could I care?

But now it is a different story. Without my daily dose of humpty hump I get a little down. Knowing how fun/exciting/delicious sex can be it is hard for me to imagine my life without it. I don’t know for sure because I have never tried it, but I imagine it is a lot like a crack addiction. Or maybe my obsession with Edy’s Loaded Butterfinger Ice Cream. That shit is goooood and I never would have known how good it was if I hadn’t tried it…and eaten the entire half gallon.

You catch my drift?

I am sure my friend would be a lot better off at the moment if she hadn’t given it up before. But now, now she is screwed (well, not screwed, actually). Until she finds someone else to give her that satisfaction she is going to have to deal with the withdrawal symptoms.

I do know something to help, though. A nice big gallon of that Butterfinger ice cream. Mmmm mmm good.