[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

What do guys really think of sex on the first date? Is it a deal breaker? I feel like if you have a genuine connection with someone, and the sex is awesome, shouldn’t that make them want you more? Or does it completely take the fun out of the chase? I’ve had one long term relationship start out of sex on the first date. I’ve had other guys never call me again. What’s the deal?

Sincerely,

Screwed then screwed!

Dear Screwed then screwed!

Here’s the deal: I’ve never known of a man who found sex to be a deal breaker on the first date. If anything, it’s considered a minor miracle from the Heavens, and for some d-bags out there it’s an expectation, which kind of clarifies why I’m calling them d-bags.

There’s a lot more to the chase than just having sex. Don’t get me wrong, it can certainly enhance the chase. However! There are so many ways to have sex and in so many places, and some could argue getting a taste and then not getting the meal is even more enticing. I think it’s a guy to guy situation.

Do men respect women less if they can get laid on the first date? Maybe some. Is sex all a guy wants? Possibly. It’s certainly one of the things he’s thinking about over tortellini. There are other thoughts, like if his hair’s doing that cow lick thing or if he mentioned his love for animals enough…and your breasts, which doesn’t count as thinking about sex, it’s just something we think about that LEADS us to thinking about sex. Sorry, that clarification had to be made!

Your track record’s a spotty one with having sex on a first date, and if it’ll lead to more or less. My question is, what are you looking for on the first date? Are you having sex because you think he wants it or because you want it? If you’re doing it for you then, “Have at thee!” As Thor would put it. If you’re doing it because you’re trying to ensure a second date, then I would recommend trying to hold off and make it a 2, or the classic 3, date rule. Just don’t pull a Robin Scherbatzky and change your mind mid-date and think you need to shave your legs. The first time, if we’re focusing on what’s on your legs rather than what we’re doing in between them…there’s no picket fence in the future.

Be careful about looking for logic when asking the question “to f*ck or not to f*ck?” These aren’t logical actions, they’re primal. Awesome sex doesn’t mean you have an emotional connection yet. It means you could. It also might mean you just have sexual chemistry, or you were really horny. Generally assuming that if the sex is awesome, then he’d want to come back for seconds is illogical. It’s just not always reality. Remember, you’re looking at it through your eyes, and you can’t be certain how he’s looking at it through his.

The bottom line is this: If you’re not getting the results you want with the way you’ve been going about trying to get them, then it’s time to change things up. Change your policy or change the type of guy you’re going out with. The issue’s at the source either way.

Keep calm, and don’t blink!

The Dude

All men are capable of cheating. Hell, all people are! Let’s not pretend that there aren’t temptations and that there aren’t opportunities. There are times when it’s just a slip and then there are other times when it’s a damn Charlie Chaplin sketch. The question is, how do you know if he’s cheating on you? What are the signs and what are the ways you can decipher them? If you think your man might be cheating on you, here are 11 tells that you should look for a combination of.

One on its own may not be enough to convict, but if several of these apply to your beau…well…more on that in a bit.

initiating the gallery...

Is he cheating? Is there someone else? Do these signs mean what you think they mean? The biggest problem with everything on this list is that if you’re asking these questions, you’re having some trust issues. There could be no girl, and these signs could end up being totally innocent. So why don’t you trust him? That’s the most important question to ask, and it’s one you have to ask the one you’re looking at in the mirror. That aside, how doYOU think you could tell if he’s stepping out on you?

[Lead image via Shutterstock]

Hi Dude,

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and we really get along phenomenally. We have a lot in common, including our sense of humor, we love to go on adventures and the sex is fantastic. Marriage came up in conversation the other day, because one of his friends is unhappily married. During the conversation he revealed that he didn’t believe in marriage and would never marry. He said he had too many friends who are unhappily married and constantly complain that the sex is boring, and they wish they could sleep with other people. I’m not saying I want to marry this guy or anyone any time soon, but I do want to get married eventually. Is it worth sticking in this relationship if those are his beliefs? Should I be with someone who thinks they should only be with someone as long as the sex is sizzling? Does he really mean that, or has he just never been in love with someone enough to realize that there are many other reasons to stay in a relationship beyond the honeymoon phase?

Thanks,

Not Yet A Bride

Dear Not Yet A Bride,

Ouch! I mean, OUCH! You’re in a swamp filled with sh*t on this one. Sorry to be explicit but damn, girl, this is not the easiest terrain to wade through, and you’re right in the thick of it…Please disregard all nature-based metaphors used in the prior sentences, I’m in the middle of reading Swamp Thing #8. Multitasking!-it’s what makes us adults, seriously.

I’ve had this conversation myself at one point with a certain lady-friend of mine, so I’m talking from experience rather than just out of my ass on this one. Lots of couples last long-term despite differences over a lot of things: Who’s the best Bond, best Doctor, whose family is crazier, why she never takes out the f*cking garbage, is the cat cuter than both of you combined (yes, she is), but there’s one difference that usually sinks a relationship at the end of the day: Marriage.

Some people are ready now, some aren’t, some say they could be, and some claim they never will be, and are any of these statements 100% concrete? No. He could want to in 5 years or maybe it’ll take 10 years. There are plenty of marriage horror stories that we all hear about. Ever notice how you generally only hear about the bad parts of a marriage? Or stories at least about bad marriages and not so often about good ones? Way of gossip, I guess. Those horror stories are enough to give the most grounded person pause these days, so it’s not surprising that right now he can’t envision himself married. Those are issues he’ll have to work on, and either you can put some faith into him being able to do the work, or you can walk away when you decide you’re ready for the next step, and he’s not.

There’s no definite way to know if you’re completely wasting your time by staying with this guy for much longer. A lot of us change our minds with maturity and experience of a healthy long-term relationship. It does take time, and it takes a bit of work on our parts, but it does happen. The reverse happens to. The question, really, is how long are you prepared to wait?

It could take a year, five years, or even ten years before he gets comfortable with the idea of getting married and that’s thinking he actually will. You have to make the decision for yourself when enough’s enough. If, should you become ready, he can’t or won’t get ready, that’s the point when you consider using those walking boots. Until then, keep the lines of communication open, and see how it plays out. Sounds like you two have a real nice thing going. Don’t leap five moves ahead before you see what the next move is first.

To touch on your other point: you should only stay with someone who believes a relationship is working while the sex is sizzling if all you want is sizzling sex. Otherwise, that’s A. not realistic thinking and B. not mature thinking. Take that belief for what it’s worth: not much.

Runaway groom,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Yes, you read that right – Booty Parlor. Who doesn’t love a cute play on words? Booty Parlor is a line of products that were created with women’s sexuality in mind, whether she’s single or in a relationship. It is a brand that encourages women to indulge in their sexiness, free of shame or self-consciousness. I had the opportunity to speak with the creator, Dana B. Myers, who is inspirational as both a female entrepreneur and a sex-positive role model.

What inspired you start Booty Parlor?

I was inspired by my mom – she was a makeup artist. I watched her transform women. While she was doing makeup, she would chat with her clients about everything women talk about. They felt so much better about themselves after – it was a big influence on me, where women were helping women and inspiring each other. Also, I was very interested in all things related to sex. I was lucky enough that it was never a taboo subject in the house. I felt confident, open and excited to explore and experience sex. It made me the go-to sexpert for my girlfriends. Fast forward after being in the music industry, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to combine beauty and sexiness and create a beauty parlor for your love life. I wanted to do products from the beauty world that you could use in your bedroom. I wanted fun and sassy, not sleazy and trashy. I told my boyfriend, and he said “sounds great, let’s do this together!” A month later we lost our jobs and we started working on our business plan. Read More »

I know, giving is just as important as receiving. Sex is about all parties involved, and I absolutely believe that no one should feel deprived of pleasure after a hook up. But everyone has their limits, their deal breakers, their things that they’re just not that into. And I think it’s just as important to acknowledge that, and to a) accept it or b) move on to the next.

I have a friend whose boyfriend is into anal. Not in an annoying, begs for it nonstop kind of way (he never even initiates it), but it is something that he enjoys doing. So she consents to it. They use lube and start slow and are generally pretty responsible about it, but it’s not her cup of tea. She finds it pretty excruciating, only derives a nominal amount of pleasure from it, and doesn’t feel great after the fact. But she has made it a resolution to get better and try to enjoy it more, for her boyfriend’s sake. Perhaps I’m more selfish than I like to think I am, but  I cannot jump on board with her resolution because it seems to me she has perfectly valid reasons to not want to engage in anal, and I fail to see the point in coercing herself into enjoying it more than she does. Read More »

So, in between endless reruns of A-List and RuPaul’s Drag Race, LOGO airs a gem called Bad Sex. Ten people with varying levels of sexual dysfunction all seek help, but unlike most other “tough love” type reality shows, the person from whom they’re receiving therapy is a) sex positive and b) a certified sex therapist. Last week, I had the opportunity to interview Chris Donaghue, star of Bad Sex, and ask him about some of the sexual dysfunctions featured on the show.

CC: What is the premise of Bad Sex?
CD: It’s an exploration of the sex lives of 10 different participants, ranging from every gender, every sexual orientation, every age group. Bi, gay, straight, questioning. From sex addiction to sexual anorexia, love addiction and coming out stories. It’s not a gay show. There are only 2-3 people who are gay. It’s the kind of show that can tap into the heterosexual.

CC: How do you approach your patients?
CD: I’m not gentle, but I’m not penalizing.  You have to oscillate. It’s important to hold these people accountable to some of their bad behavior, but then you have to show up with empathy, and be loving and care-taking around more vulnerable patients.

CC: How do you identify a sex addiction?
CD: We’re at a time — culturally, socially, psychologically — where everyone is wanting to identify out of the norm and classify hypersexual behavior as a sex addiction. It’s kind of shaming some people’s sexuality. You can be hypersexual without it being addiction. Addiction is not about quantity. There’s no magic number. Everyone has an individual comfort level. It’s about the outcome. If your sex life is creating problems in your daily life, it’s a problem. If your sex life is creating shame and guilt, it’s a problem. If it’s impairing, it’s a problem. If you’re feeling confident and there are no negative consequences, it’s great. But, especially for women who enjoy sex, they may be labeled a slut. If you acknowledge that you love sex, and know you’ll be called a slut, you’re not going to carry around protection for fear of being labeled and you’re setting yourself up for negative consequences. The word “slut” needs to be eradicated.

CC: On the flip side, what is sexual anorexia? 
CD: Instead of acting out sexually, it’s a fear and avoidance and discomfort and rejection of sex.  It mirrors food anorexia. Sex anorexics don’t want to consume or talk about sex. There is a difference between a sexual anorexic and a late bloomer. A late bloomer is someone who holds off on sex, but they’re confident in their choice and they can own it and talk about it. Sexual anorexics have anxiety — they don’t want to think about it. It is usually born out of trauma.

CC: What is the most common sexual dysfunction?
CD: If I’m working with couples, disparate sexual desire — one partner wants sex way more than the other. Also, love and sex addiction, which is usually encouraged by the internet in that it is always accessible and confidential. Women and men are cheating online via webcams and sexting. It’s becoming compulsive and impulsive. They get caught up in it to the detriment of a healthy sex life.

CC: How does that happen?
CC: Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. Sex became more attractive as a way to cope or check out. Their sex isn’t wholesome, healing or pleasure based. They have shame and guilt. They’re not having happy relationships. It happens when people get into a relationship, and they can’t handle another level of intimacy, so they get it taken care of out of the relationship. More men are sex addicts, more women are love addicts — obsessively reading romance novels, watching certain tv shows, starting online relationships, their whole life shrinks to one addiction.

CC: What role does self-esteem play in sexual dysfunction?
CD: Self-esteem is the basis of everything. It’s at the core. Getting more self-esteem is how you start to raise the bar and demand better, and don’t allow unhealthy behaviors or addictions.

CC: How do you start re-building self-esteem?
CD: Isolating problematic behaviors. Take a break and recover. Restructure life. Building a nurturing social circle. Engaging in romantic relationships that feel wholesome or nurturing. Finding a purpose in life.

CC: What is the neurology of sex?
CD: Everything that happens has a neurological aspect. Every change in our behavior creates a change in our brain. Love addiction or sexual anorexia reshapes your brain and you set up your brain to not welcome a relationship or it wants constant stimulation. You have to rewire your brain through changing your behavior.

CC: Why is our culture so sex-negative.
CD: We use words that show/imply embarrassment. We don’t say vagina, we say “down there.” I’m a fan of correct language. It’s okay to talk about sex and sexuality. Get the words out there so people don’t shudder. There’s so much shame in our bodies and our sexuality. Our culture, religion and education dump our issues on us and they teach us which words to use. Using “slut” and “down there,” I have to stop and say “do you mean…?” and don’t shame them.

CC: How do you communicate effectively?
CD: A lot of couples operate from a place of mind-reading. If sex isn’t feeling good or you’re interested in trying other things, tell them. It’s about getting comfortable having a conversation. At first your partner might be awkward, but you have to do it. Coming out is scary and it isn’t just for gay people. You come out over and over again, because your sex life might change. You have to work to express the range of your sexuality. Vocalizing how you feel.  Relax and allow yourself to receive. It’s okay to be self-absorbed. Sex challenges our body esteem. Get comfortable with your body and what it looks like and feels like.

Are you totally obsessed with him yet? A guy on TV promoting healthy, positive, non slut-shamey attitudes toward sex? I am! Catch Bad Sex on LOGO Fridays at 9:00pm. You can also stream the episodes at logotv.com!

When I was in elementary school, my best friend told me that sex was “when a man puts his thing in a girl’s vagina.” That was the truest information about sex I’ve ever gotten from a friend. As I grew older, my friends started to tell me more and more things about sex, most of which were total lies.

It took forever for me to realize that my friends were clueless, and I bet most of yours are too. This is some of the absolute worst sex advice my friends have ever given me.

1. “If a guy goes down on you or fingers you, you HAVE to reciprocate!”

No. I. Don’t. Can’t a guy just do something nice for me without expecting something in return? Yes, he can. You aren’t expected to reciprocate anything if you don’t want to. I don’t give Santa Claus presents after he leaves me tons of gifts under my Christmas tree, I just bake him cookies. I’m sure some nights cookies will be a good enough reciprocation for your guy.

Read More »

The generations of women before us were powerful. They got us the right to vote, and they paved the way for women to be high-ranked employees in their careers. But our generation is doing something good too. We’re slowly getting men to have period sex.

Some people flinch at the idea of period sex. I don’t. There’s nothing wrong with it.  Yes it’s messy, and yes it’s bloody. But so what? My boyfriend has seen me puke up pizza and breadsticks while I’ve been drunk, he can handle a little blood.

Read More »

I usually make a conscious effort to keep this column as sex-positive and judgment-free as positive. There’s already enough negativity and unnecessary stigma surrounding sex, and I try not to perpetuate it. That said, some things that may happen are a little uncool. There’s just no way to sugarcoat it. So without further ado, five scenarios in which I would kick a guy out of bed (even if he were as sexy as Ryan Gosling).

1. Surprise butt sex.
I get it. The anus and the vagina are pretty close together, especially in certain positions, and a guy could easily make a mistake and go for the other hole. That said, there’s a difference between the accidental poke (ie: the instigator apologizes profusely upon realizing the error of his ways) and a clearly premeditated anal sex attack, which includes a whole lot of feigned ignorance (Really? You didn’t notice the complete lack of lubrication and the unusual tightness?) mixed with a ton of reluctance and a sad face when you don’t go along with it. Pure gauche. Read More »

I’m down for excitement. Spicing things up. Breaking the monotony. Exploring new boundaries. Life is too short to be completely stuck in your ways. But sometimes (or most of the time), I am perfectly content with my routine. I like a certain level of predictability. Once I find something I truly enjoy, I am inclined to stick with it. This manifests itself in me ordering the same few dishes at restaurants, buying certain cuts of dresses over others, sticking to certain brands of shoes, and, yes, the same few sexual positions.

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, we tried a variety of positions to find the ones that we both liked the best. Once we found them, I was way less inclined to be more experimental. And I’m totally okay with it. I like going into sex knowing that I will derive immense pleasure from it. It’s satisfying to know that 99.9 percent of the time, I will orgasm in a certain position, in a certain angle, with a certain amount of thrusting. I like not having to worry about awkward maneuvering because we’re both so familiar with these positions that it comes easily and naturally.

I understand the importance of exploring the various ways you can be turned on, of trying to inject some excitement into an otherwise uninspiring routine. That said, sometimes the reason why you do the same things over and over and over again are because you find them enjoyable and pleasurable, not because you are stuck in a rut. Read More »