Yes, you read that right – Booty Parlor. Who doesn’t love a cute play on words? Booty Parlor is a line of products that were created with women’s sexuality in mind, whether she’s single or in a relationship. It is a brand that encourages women to indulge in their sexiness, free of shame or self-consciousness. I had the opportunity to speak with the creator, Dana B. Myers, who is inspirational as both a female entrepreneur and a sex-positive role model.

What inspired you start Booty Parlor?

I was inspired by my mom – she was a makeup artist. I watched her transform women. While she was doing makeup, she would chat with her clients about everything women talk about. They felt so much better about themselves after – it was a big influence on me, where women were helping women and inspiring each other. Also, I was very interested in all things related to sex. I was lucky enough that it was never a taboo subject in the house. I felt confident, open and excited to explore and experience sex. It made me the go-to sexpert for my girlfriends. Fast forward after being in the music industry, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to combine beauty and sexiness and create a beauty parlor for your love life. I wanted to do products from the beauty world that you could use in your bedroom. I wanted fun and sassy, not sleazy and trashy. I told my boyfriend, and he said “sounds great, let’s do this together!” A month later we lost our jobs and we started working on our business plan. Read More »

I know, giving is just as important as receiving. Sex is about all parties involved, and I absolutely believe that no one should feel deprived of pleasure after a hook up. But everyone has their limits, their deal breakers, their things that they’re just not that into. And I think it’s just as important to acknowledge that, and to a) accept it or b) move on to the next.

I have a friend whose boyfriend is into anal. Not in an annoying, begs for it nonstop kind of way (he never even initiates it), but it is something that he enjoys doing. So she consents to it. They use lube and start slow and are generally pretty responsible about it, but it’s not her cup of tea. She finds it pretty excruciating, only derives a nominal amount of pleasure from it, and doesn’t feel great after the fact. But she has made it a resolution to get better and try to enjoy it more, for her boyfriend’s sake. Perhaps I’m more selfish than I like to think I am, but  I cannot jump on board with her resolution because it seems to me she has perfectly valid reasons to not want to engage in anal, and I fail to see the point in coercing herself into enjoying it more than she does. Read More »

So, in between endless reruns of A-List and RuPaul’s Drag Race, LOGO airs a gem called Bad Sex. Ten people with varying levels of sexual dysfunction all seek help, but unlike most other “tough love” type reality shows, the person from whom they’re receiving therapy is a) sex positive and b) a certified sex therapist. Last week, I had the opportunity to interview Chris Donaghue, star of Bad Sex, and ask him about some of the sexual dysfunctions featured on the show.

CC: What is the premise of Bad Sex?
CD: It’s an exploration of the sex lives of 10 different participants, ranging from every gender, every sexual orientation, every age group. Bi, gay, straight, questioning. From sex addiction to sexual anorexia, love addiction and coming out stories. It’s not a gay show. There are only 2-3 people who are gay. It’s the kind of show that can tap into the heterosexual.

CC: How do you approach your patients?
CD: I’m not gentle, but I’m not penalizing.  You have to oscillate. It’s important to hold these people accountable to some of their bad behavior, but then you have to show up with empathy, and be loving and care-taking around more vulnerable patients.

CC: How do you identify a sex addiction?
CD: We’re at a time — culturally, socially, psychologically — where everyone is wanting to identify out of the norm and classify hypersexual behavior as a sex addiction. It’s kind of shaming some people’s sexuality. You can be hypersexual without it being addiction. Addiction is not about quantity. There’s no magic number. Everyone has an individual comfort level. It’s about the outcome. If your sex life is creating problems in your daily life, it’s a problem. If your sex life is creating shame and guilt, it’s a problem. If it’s impairing, it’s a problem. If you’re feeling confident and there are no negative consequences, it’s great. But, especially for women who enjoy sex, they may be labeled a slut. If you acknowledge that you love sex, and know you’ll be called a slut, you’re not going to carry around protection for fear of being labeled and you’re setting yourself up for negative consequences. The word “slut” needs to be eradicated.

CC: On the flip side, what is sexual anorexia? 
CD: Instead of acting out sexually, it’s a fear and avoidance and discomfort and rejection of sex.  It mirrors food anorexia. Sex anorexics don’t want to consume or talk about sex. There is a difference between a sexual anorexic and a late bloomer. A late bloomer is someone who holds off on sex, but they’re confident in their choice and they can own it and talk about it. Sexual anorexics have anxiety — they don’t want to think about it. It is usually born out of trauma.

CC: What is the most common sexual dysfunction?
CD: If I’m working with couples, disparate sexual desire — one partner wants sex way more than the other. Also, love and sex addiction, which is usually encouraged by the internet in that it is always accessible and confidential. Women and men are cheating online via webcams and sexting. It’s becoming compulsive and impulsive. They get caught up in it to the detriment of a healthy sex life.

CC: How does that happen?
CC: Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. Sex became more attractive as a way to cope or check out. Their sex isn’t wholesome, healing or pleasure based. They have shame and guilt. They’re not having happy relationships. It happens when people get into a relationship, and they can’t handle another level of intimacy, so they get it taken care of out of the relationship. More men are sex addicts, more women are love addicts — obsessively reading romance novels, watching certain tv shows, starting online relationships, their whole life shrinks to one addiction.

CC: What role does self-esteem play in sexual dysfunction?
CD: Self-esteem is the basis of everything. It’s at the core. Getting more self-esteem is how you start to raise the bar and demand better, and don’t allow unhealthy behaviors or addictions.

CC: How do you start re-building self-esteem?
CD: Isolating problematic behaviors. Take a break and recover. Restructure life. Building a nurturing social circle. Engaging in romantic relationships that feel wholesome or nurturing. Finding a purpose in life.

CC: What is the neurology of sex?
CD: Everything that happens has a neurological aspect. Every change in our behavior creates a change in our brain. Love addiction or sexual anorexia reshapes your brain and you set up your brain to not welcome a relationship or it wants constant stimulation. You have to rewire your brain through changing your behavior.

CC: Why is our culture so sex-negative.
CD: We use words that show/imply embarrassment. We don’t say vagina, we say “down there.” I’m a fan of correct language. It’s okay to talk about sex and sexuality. Get the words out there so people don’t shudder. There’s so much shame in our bodies and our sexuality. Our culture, religion and education dump our issues on us and they teach us which words to use. Using “slut” and “down there,” I have to stop and say “do you mean…?” and don’t shame them.

CC: How do you communicate effectively?
CD: A lot of couples operate from a place of mind-reading. If sex isn’t feeling good or you’re interested in trying other things, tell them. It’s about getting comfortable having a conversation. At first your partner might be awkward, but you have to do it. Coming out is scary and it isn’t just for gay people. You come out over and over again, because your sex life might change. You have to work to express the range of your sexuality. Vocalizing how you feel.  Relax and allow yourself to receive. It’s okay to be self-absorbed. Sex challenges our body esteem. Get comfortable with your body and what it looks like and feels like.

Are you totally obsessed with him yet? A guy on TV promoting healthy, positive, non slut-shamey attitudes toward sex? I am! Catch Bad Sex on LOGO Fridays at 9:00pm. You can also stream the episodes at logotv.com!

When I was in elementary school, my best friend told me that sex was “when a man puts his thing in a girl’s vagina.” That was the truest information about sex I’ve ever gotten from a friend. As I grew older, my friends started to tell me more and more things about sex, most of which were total lies.

It took forever for me to realize that my friends were clueless, and I bet most of yours are too. This is some of the absolute worst sex advice my friends have ever given me.

1. “If a guy goes down on you or fingers you, you HAVE to reciprocate!”

No. I. Don’t. Can’t a guy just do something nice for me without expecting something in return? Yes, he can. You aren’t expected to reciprocate anything if you don’t want to. I don’t give Santa Claus presents after he leaves me tons of gifts under my Christmas tree, I just bake him cookies. I’m sure some nights cookies will be a good enough reciprocation for your guy.

Read More »

The generations of women before us were powerful. They got us the right to vote, and they paved the way for women to be high-ranked employees in their careers. But our generation is doing something good too. We’re slowly getting men to have period sex.

Some people flinch at the idea of period sex. I don’t. There’s nothing wrong with it.  Yes it’s messy, and yes it’s bloody. But so what? My boyfriend has seen me puke up pizza and breadsticks while I’ve been drunk, he can handle a little blood.

Read More »

I usually make a conscious effort to keep this column as sex-positive and judgment-free as positive. There’s already enough negativity and unnecessary stigma surrounding sex, and I try not to perpetuate it. That said, some things that may happen are a little uncool. There’s just no way to sugarcoat it. So without further ado, five scenarios in which I would kick a guy out of bed (even if he were as sexy as Ryan Gosling).

1. Surprise butt sex.
I get it. The anus and the vagina are pretty close together, especially in certain positions, and a guy could easily make a mistake and go for the other hole. That said, there’s a difference between the accidental poke (ie: the instigator apologizes profusely upon realizing the error of his ways) and a clearly premeditated anal sex attack, which includes a whole lot of feigned ignorance (Really? You didn’t notice the complete lack of lubrication and the unusual tightness?) mixed with a ton of reluctance and a sad face when you don’t go along with it. Pure gauche. Read More »

I’m down for excitement. Spicing things up. Breaking the monotony. Exploring new boundaries. Life is too short to be completely stuck in your ways. But sometimes (or most of the time), I am perfectly content with my routine. I like a certain level of predictability. Once I find something I truly enjoy, I am inclined to stick with it. This manifests itself in me ordering the same few dishes at restaurants, buying certain cuts of dresses over others, sticking to certain brands of shoes, and, yes, the same few sexual positions.

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, we tried a variety of positions to find the ones that we both liked the best. Once we found them, I was way less inclined to be more experimental. And I’m totally okay with it. I like going into sex knowing that I will derive immense pleasure from it. It’s satisfying to know that 99.9 percent of the time, I will orgasm in a certain position, in a certain angle, with a certain amount of thrusting. I like not having to worry about awkward maneuvering because we’re both so familiar with these positions that it comes easily and naturally.

I understand the importance of exploring the various ways you can be turned on, of trying to inject some excitement into an otherwise uninspiring routine. That said, sometimes the reason why you do the same things over and over and over again are because you find them enjoyable and pleasurable, not because you are stuck in a rut. Read More »

Threesomes seems like they’re becoming less and less taboo and scary these days. I saw one in person at a bachelorette party. Britney sang a song about threesomes and it debuted at number one on the Billboard Hot 100. Gossip Girl featured the most awkward threesome ever in the history of the universe a couple of years ago (Dan, Vanessa, and freaking Hilary Duff? Still not over it). I’m pretty sure any reality show that involves a bunch of strangers living in a house for a prolonged period of time cultivates in a threesome (or more) at some point. They just don’t seem to be as scandalous and taboo as they once were.

That said, the idea of engaging in one myself seems daunting. I occasionally like to tease my boyfriend with talk about having a threesome with his favorite model, but imagining myself in a threesome is…difficult at best. However, my inner Girl Scout always wants me to be prepared, so naturally I’ve done some research on how to make a threesome not suck.

Talk it through thoroughly with your partner.
Cover all the bases – the participant, the logistics, the potential emotions…everything. Determine if the third is going to be a guy or a girl. A stranger or a friend? Make sure you have a totally private place that you can make as comfortable as possible. Talk about your worries, your insecurities, the possibility for jealousy, the ramifications of your relationship. Incorporating someone else into your own little intimate world is not something to be taken cavalierly. Make your boundaries abundantly clear – is penetration okay? Vaginal or anal? What body parts are off limits? What about oral? Toys? Role play? It’s important to set detailed ground rules before it happens, so you’re not completely taken aback in the moment.

Make sure you’re totally okay with it.
If the only reason you’re into the idea of a threesome is because your partner has mentioned it, don’t do it. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for everyone involved. Your partner’s happiness can’t override your own.  Moreover, a threesome challenges a lot of our ideas of our sexuality, which can be terrifying and unnerving. But being in a threesome doesn’t necessarily mean anything significant. Sexuality is a spectrum. Being aroused by someone of a sex/gender you’re not usually attracted to doesn’t mean you have to totally re-evaluate your sexual identity. It’s okay to have to work through some hangups before you decide whether or not you’re interested.

Find a good fit.
I’m no threesome expert, but I don’t think the “third” should be someone you are friends with. While it may seem like a great idea — you know the person, trust them, can communicate with them, etc. — I think it would ultimately end up being messy and sloppy and not worth it. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it’s highly unlikely that the dynamics of the friendship wouldn’t be irreparably damaged. Luckily, we have the Internet. Craigslist, Adult Friend Finder, Sexually Social and FetLife are all sites you and your partner can find candidates. Don’t approach this expecting to email someone today and be naked with them tomorrow. Take a few days to correspond, maybe go out to coffee or something to see if the chemistry is there. The best thing about finding someone online is you can be completely straightforward since everyone knows what the endgame is.

Be safe.
Everyone should know everyone else’s STD status. Don’t be afraid to ask for proof. This is your health and it’s super important. Make sure you don’t double dip with condoms. Never use the same condom with two different partners. Make sure you assign a hand to each person so you’re not, um, “cross-contaminating.”

Have realistic expectations.
While, ideally, it would be awesome if all three of you connected seamlessly, and the sex was spectacular, and everyone felt 100 percent amazing about it, there is also the very real possibility that one or more parties is going to feel uncomfortable before, during and/or after. Someone may feel left out and jealous. Someone may have just been totally bored. Someone may have started developing feelings. Sex can stir up a vast spectrum of emotions due to the hormones and chemicals our bodies produce, and it is okay to reflect on your experience and not like it, or to reflect on your experience and want to repeat it. Like everything else, a threesome is just a live and learn experience. It doesn’t have to be a defining experience if you don’t want it to be.

Hey Dude,

I recently (as in a few days ago) had sex for the first time, with the guy that I am dating. It really hurt, but he was patient with me. Round two the next morning felt better, but still hurt a bit.

But that’s not my problem. What’s kinda worrying me is that he’s so quiet during sex, and during foreplay. Even when I go down on him!

It’s not what I was expecting, his breathing doesn’t seem to get heavier during the deed, unless he’s just about to come. I’m not expecting him to be moaning at the top of his lungs or anything, but a bit of feedback would certainly help me to know that I’m getting the hang of things. And considering he said I’m really good at going down on him, is it fair to expect some noise?

I’m trying to make sure we tell each other what we want and what we’re willing to do, because I think that’s really important (and if there’s anything College Candy blogs have taught me, its that communication with your partner makes things easier and better). So I tried to talk to him about it in a light-hearted way, telling him its okay to make a bit of noise and that no one’s going to hear him (I live in a shared house with friends), and that I find it hot when guys lose a bit of control and let go, and he just said he’s a quiet guy and pretty much dropped the subject.

So, does it sound like its him, or me?? I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, but as this is all new to me I don’t want to feel insecure either. How can I approach this subject (again) with him?

Sincerely,

Newbie

Read More »

Man does Kimmy K make a hot pink sweater dress look sizzlin’. The last time I wore one of those, I was in seventh grade and shopping at Hollister. I’m willing to bet that’s NOT where Kim purchased her pink frock though, last time I checked, Hollister wasn’t code for “titties that have their own brand name.”

Moving on. This month’s Cosmo wrapped up the last summer weeks and didn’t waste any time doing it. In a ‘Moves That’ll Make Him Melt’ article, Cosmo asked 100 dudes on the street their favorite weather seduction tricks. 15% of these weirdos claimed their number one seduction move was “Let me hose you down while you’re wearing a white tee shirt.” While I see the sex appeal in this, I also see little kids riding their three-wheels down the street starring at the wet t-shirt contest happening on the driveway. “Daddy, why are her boobies looking at me?”

After grazing past a pointless Facebook status decoder, a brief article on how to tell if he’s married, and a Bieber Beardology article (don’t ask – you don’t want to know) I ran across an interesting statistic. Did you know 36 percent of men say they’re more attracted to a woman if they’re using an iPad? As opposed to using what else, Cosmo? And where was this survey taken? A Genius Bar?

Then in a ridiculous Cosmo Life Weekend special, Cosmo laid out “His Perfect Weekend” in an upside down pyramid. Yep, like the food pyramid. Clearly, whoever made this was hungry and has completely lost all common sense about the male species. His favorite way to spend the weekend? Apparently, laying low with the GF…maybe renting a movie. I could see that, until I read the activity at the bottom of the pyramid (you know, where the Splenda and Carbs usually fit in); watching the game with his friends. OK Cosmo, in no way am I offended that he would probably rather fart on the couch and watch the NHL with his dudes, so let’s try not to make excuses for it, mmmk?

Read More »