[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

What do guys really think of sex on the first date? Is it a deal breaker? I feel like if you have a genuine connection with someone, and the sex is awesome, shouldn’t that make them want you more? Or does it completely take the fun out of the chase? I’ve had one long term relationship start out of sex on the first date. I’ve had other guys never call me again. What’s the deal?

Sincerely,

Screwed then screwed!

Dear Screwed then screwed!

Here’s the deal: I’ve never known of a man who found sex to be a deal breaker on the first date. If anything, it’s considered a minor miracle from the Heavens, and for some d-bags out there it’s an expectation, which kind of clarifies why I’m calling them d-bags.

There’s a lot more to the chase than just having sex. Don’t get me wrong, it can certainly enhance the chase. However! There are so many ways to have sex and in so many places, and some could argue getting a taste and then not getting the meal is even more enticing. I think it’s a guy to guy situation.

Do men respect women less if they can get laid on the first date? Maybe some. Is sex all a guy wants? Possibly. It’s certainly one of the things he’s thinking about over tortellini. There are other thoughts, like if his hair’s doing that cow lick thing or if he mentioned his love for animals enough…and your breasts, which doesn’t count as thinking about sex, it’s just something we think about that LEADS us to thinking about sex. Sorry, that clarification had to be made!

Your track record’s a spotty one with having sex on a first date, and if it’ll lead to more or less. My question is, what are you looking for on the first date? Are you having sex because you think he wants it or because you want it? If you’re doing it for you then, “Have at thee!” As Thor would put it. If you’re doing it because you’re trying to ensure a second date, then I would recommend trying to hold off and make it a 2, or the classic 3, date rule. Just don’t pull a Robin Scherbatzky and change your mind mid-date and think you need to shave your legs. The first time, if we’re focusing on what’s on your legs rather than what we’re doing in between them…there’s no picket fence in the future.

Be careful about looking for logic when asking the question “to f*ck or not to f*ck?” These aren’t logical actions, they’re primal. Awesome sex doesn’t mean you have an emotional connection yet. It means you could. It also might mean you just have sexual chemistry, or you were really horny. Generally assuming that if the sex is awesome, then he’d want to come back for seconds is illogical. It’s just not always reality. Remember, you’re looking at it through your eyes, and you can’t be certain how he’s looking at it through his.

The bottom line is this: If you’re not getting the results you want with the way you’ve been going about trying to get them, then it’s time to change things up. Change your policy or change the type of guy you’re going out with. The issue’s at the source either way.

Keep calm, and don’t blink!

The Dude

Hi Dude,

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and we really get along phenomenally. We have a lot in common, including our sense of humor, we love to go on adventures and the sex is fantastic. Marriage came up in conversation the other day, because one of his friends is unhappily married. During the conversation he revealed that he didn’t believe in marriage and would never marry. He said he had too many friends who are unhappily married and constantly complain that the sex is boring, and they wish they could sleep with other people. I’m not saying I want to marry this guy or anyone any time soon, but I do want to get married eventually. Is it worth sticking in this relationship if those are his beliefs? Should I be with someone who thinks they should only be with someone as long as the sex is sizzling? Does he really mean that, or has he just never been in love with someone enough to realize that there are many other reasons to stay in a relationship beyond the honeymoon phase?

Thanks,

Not Yet A Bride

Dear Not Yet A Bride,

Ouch! I mean, OUCH! You’re in a swamp filled with sh*t on this one. Sorry to be explicit but damn, girl, this is not the easiest terrain to wade through, and you’re right in the thick of it…Please disregard all nature-based metaphors used in the prior sentences, I’m in the middle of reading Swamp Thing #8. Multitasking!-it’s what makes us adults, seriously.

I’ve had this conversation myself at one point with a certain lady-friend of mine, so I’m talking from experience rather than just out of my ass on this one. Lots of couples last long-term despite differences over a lot of things: Who’s the best Bond, best Doctor, whose family is crazier, why she never takes out the f*cking garbage, is the cat cuter than both of you combined (yes, she is), but there’s one difference that usually sinks a relationship at the end of the day: Marriage.

Some people are ready now, some aren’t, some say they could be, and some claim they never will be, and are any of these statements 100% concrete? No. He could want to in 5 years or maybe it’ll take 10 years. There are plenty of marriage horror stories that we all hear about. Ever notice how you generally only hear about the bad parts of a marriage? Or stories at least about bad marriages and not so often about good ones? Way of gossip, I guess. Those horror stories are enough to give the most grounded person pause these days, so it’s not surprising that right now he can’t envision himself married. Those are issues he’ll have to work on, and either you can put some faith into him being able to do the work, or you can walk away when you decide you’re ready for the next step, and he’s not.

There’s no definite way to know if you’re completely wasting your time by staying with this guy for much longer. A lot of us change our minds with maturity and experience of a healthy long-term relationship. It does take time, and it takes a bit of work on our parts, but it does happen. The reverse happens to. The question, really, is how long are you prepared to wait?

It could take a year, five years, or even ten years before he gets comfortable with the idea of getting married and that’s thinking he actually will. You have to make the decision for yourself when enough’s enough. If, should you become ready, he can’t or won’t get ready, that’s the point when you consider using those walking boots. Until then, keep the lines of communication open, and see how it plays out. Sounds like you two have a real nice thing going. Don’t leap five moves ahead before you see what the next move is first.

To touch on your other point: you should only stay with someone who believes a relationship is working while the sex is sizzling if all you want is sizzling sex. Otherwise, that’s A. not realistic thinking and B. not mature thinking. Take that belief for what it’s worth: not much.

Runaway groom,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Yes, you read that right – Booty Parlor. Who doesn’t love a cute play on words? Booty Parlor is a line of products that were created with women’s sexuality in mind, whether she’s single or in a relationship. It is a brand that encourages women to indulge in their sexiness, free of shame or self-consciousness. I had the opportunity to speak with the creator, Dana B. Myers, who is inspirational as both a female entrepreneur and a sex-positive role model.

What inspired you start Booty Parlor?

I was inspired by my mom – she was a makeup artist. I watched her transform women. While she was doing makeup, she would chat with her clients about everything women talk about. They felt so much better about themselves after – it was a big influence on me, where women were helping women and inspiring each other. Also, I was very interested in all things related to sex. I was lucky enough that it was never a taboo subject in the house. I felt confident, open and excited to explore and experience sex. It made me the go-to sexpert for my girlfriends. Fast forward after being in the music industry, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to combine beauty and sexiness and create a beauty parlor for your love life. I wanted to do products from the beauty world that you could use in your bedroom. I wanted fun and sassy, not sleazy and trashy. I told my boyfriend, and he said “sounds great, let’s do this together!” A month later we lost our jobs and we started working on our business plan.

How did you start promoting yourself?

What is the mission of your brand?

The mission is to help women gain confidence. In my book, Mojo Makeover, I address it in two parts. The first involves seductive beauty, body rituals, and sexy mantras. There are little actions you can do with our products that daily wait to infuse some sexy into your life. It gives women the info and product – living a sexy life is as important as eating well, getting a workout, excelling in your job or at school. It’s a facet of women’s lives that’s put in the back corner. When it is integrated in your daily life – feeling sexy, and talking to your friends or boyfriends about your sex life, you start to feel that sense of empowerment and you carry it out with you, and you feel more confident. You feel like you know yourself. You start seeing the positive effects and getting more positive attention and want to now what’s going on in your world. It’s exciting to see that change happen. The book is four weeks of steps and tricks to invigorate your sex lives.

The second part relates to sexy experiences – a lot of women are are in the dark about what turns them on, what they enjoy, and we want that information. I describe sexy scenarios that women can create with their lover. Language tends to be a barrier because they think they have to use dirty words. In the book, I think I found language to communicate with women to make it accessible and fun, and it’s saucy, but not dirty. It’s important to take away that dirty edge, but keep it fun, sassy, and exciting in order to break through the stigma. We carry shame through our families or negative experiences, and I encourage women to forgive themselves . It’s okay to not be perfect.

What are the most common anxieties?

1. Negative body banter – that self-destructive mental chatter that we inflict on ourselves, where we start comparing ourselves to other women, we compare ourselves to the unrealistic images in the media that are impossible for most to attain. Our self-worth and self-confidence are linked to our size and external beauty. We think we’re too big or too small or too bony or too curvy, and we feel ashamed. It’s hard to be open and share yourself with a lover and express yourself sexually when you feel that way. I encourage women to create positive banter and self-love. It’s about radical self-acceptance and self-love. Stand in front of the mirror and fake it ’til you make it if you have to. Stand in front of the mirror and say “I love you, thighs, because you’re mine and you make me have a great swagger.” Even if it feels awkward, the more you repeat it, the more you start believe it and build self-confidence.

2. When women start viewing sex as a chore 
It starts off really exciting, but things start to slow down. You start having sex only once a week, and it becomes hard to keep the desire alive. It becomes hard for women for enjoy sex for the joy that it is.

3. Poor sex communication skills. 
We’d love it if our boyfriends could read our minds, but they can’t. If you’re not talking about sex or learning to communicate about sex. It’s hard to find out what the other person means or discover new things you’re interested in. Being silent or talking about things on a surface level and you can’t find the words to express yourself, it’s hard to find your sexiest satisfaction. First, you have to know what you want to communicate it. To create a great sex life, you’ve got to learn to talk about things. The book addresses learning how to communicate. Start with talking to your girlfriends – talking things out, sharing your problems with the women you trust can be so powerful.

4. When women hold on to sex guilt. 
It’s not uncommon for women to have a dark experience in their sexual history that left them guilty, dirty, shameful or gave them some baggage they can’t let go of. I think for women to feel empowerment, they have to work through that sex guilt. Whether it was a traumatic experience and you need to see a therapist or confront the person you had the experience with, it’s important for women to move forward. Guilt is the least productive emotion I’ve ever experienced. Letting go of guilt is very impacting and it’s a great experience.

What is the best way to combat the negative stigma that can be attached to being single?

When I moved to LA, I didn’t know how I was going to meet anyone. In NY, everyone’s on the street; in LA, everyone’s in their car. I was at work and I was like, “Will I ever find another boyfriend?” If I look back into my 20s, what I wish that I knew was that “You will find your true love.” Everything up to that point is just fun. Everything is an experience that will enrich your life, and will teach you what you do like, and what you don’t like. When my friends break up with someone, I’d just say “Next!” If it isn’t right, it isn’t right. Booty Parlor does have a line called Flirty Little Secret that includes pheromones. There’s a firming cream, body butter, bronzer, perfume, and a shower scrub. You can layer them and the experience of putting on these creams, creating a ritual, creating a seductive body ritual, and as you do it, you’re thinking sexy thoughts, and you feel sexier and walk with confidence, and you notice you’re getting more attention. If you want to flirt, great. If you don’t, then don’t. If you have tactics in your back pocket and you have some language, to have those tools is empowering.

What is your favorite product?

Aphrodisiac Berry Lip Gloss. It gives you this perfectly kissable pout, and it’s infused with aphrodisiacs. So it makes you look great and makes you feel a little riskier. The other is my skin honey. It’s a kissable lotion that can be a massage gel and a lubrication. It’s inspired by 9 and a Half Weeks. The product is meant to be drizzled anywhere you want to be kissed, and makes the experience even greater.

What is the appeal of your book, Mojo Makeover?

I’ve gotten great feedback from women in their 20s to their 50s – after all, confidence never goes out of style.

I love any message that encourages women to take control of our sexuality. Dana gives some great advice – even if you’re not into gels or candles or lip gloss or this specific kind of femininity, taking the time to appreciate your body and love it for its ability to receive pleasure is never a bad thing. Letting go of all the accumulated negativity that can cling to us is also an incredibly empowering thought. Dana’s book, Mojo Makeover, is available for purchase now!

I know, giving is just as important as receiving. Sex is about all parties involved, and I absolutely believe that no one should feel deprived of pleasure after a hook up. But everyone has their limits, their deal breakers, their things that they’re just not that into. And I think it’s just as important to acknowledge that, and to a) accept it or b) move on to the next.

I have a friend whose boyfriend is into anal. Not in an annoying, begs for it nonstop kind of way (he never even initiates it), but it is something that he enjoys doing. So she consents to it. They use lube and start slow and are generally pretty responsible about it, but it’s not her cup of tea. She finds it pretty excruciating, only derives a nominal amount of pleasure from it, and doesn’t feel great after the fact. But she has made it a resolution to get better and try to enjoy it more, for her boyfriend’s sake. Perhaps I’m more selfish than I like to think I am, but  I cannot jump on board with her resolution because it seems to me she has perfectly valid reasons to not want to engage in anal, and I fail to see the point in coercing herself into enjoying it more than she does.

While being in a relationship is a great opportunity to explore and challenge personal boundaries, I don’t think it’s okay to ignore the signals your mind or your body are sending to you. There are varying degrees of compromise, and it’s completely okay to draw a permanent line in the sand at something you don’t like. I think it’s incredibly rare that two people’s desires are going to align at every single axis, and there’s nothing wrong with this.  When I give my boyfriend blowies, he likes to ejaculate on himself so I can lick it off. I find that annoying and inefficient, so most of the time, I swallow directly and he’s content with it, but sometimes I’ll indulge him. But if I had a complete, visceral, averse reaction ejaculation, I would not make contact with his at all.

The worst case scenario with setting firm boundaries is reaching the conclusion that you are not sexually compatible with your partner, which may unfortunately result in a breakup (but that would mean finding someone better suited for you in the long run). But, if there is something one partner absolutely hates, and the other can take or leave, there is no reason that should end with any real conflict. Discomfort is not sexy, so don’t be afraid to say no.

So, in between endless reruns of A-List and RuPaul’s Drag Race, LOGO airs a gem called Bad Sex. Ten people with varying levels of sexual dysfunction all seek help, but unlike most other “tough love” type reality shows, the person from whom they’re receiving therapy is a) sex positive and b) a certified sex therapist. Last week, I had the opportunity to interview Chris Donaghue, star of Bad Sex, and ask him about some of the sexual dysfunctions featured on the show.

CC: What is the premise of Bad Sex?
CD: It’s an exploration of the sex lives of 10 different participants, ranging from every gender, every sexual orientation, every age group. Bi, gay, straight, questioning. From sex addiction to sexual anorexia, love addiction and coming out stories. It’s not a gay show. There are only 2-3 people who are gay. It’s the kind of show that can tap into the heterosexual.

CC: How do you approach your patients?
CD: I’m not gentle, but I’m not penalizing.  You have to oscillate. It’s important to hold these people accountable to some of their bad behavior, but then you have to show up with empathy, and be loving and care-taking around more vulnerable patients.

CC: How do you identify a sex addiction?
CD: We’re at a time — culturally, socially, psychologically — where everyone is wanting to identify out of the norm and classify hypersexual behavior as a sex addiction. It’s kind of shaming some people’s sexuality. You can be hypersexual without it being addiction. Addiction is not about quantity. There’s no magic number. Everyone has an individual comfort level. It’s about the outcome. If your sex life is creating problems in your daily life, it’s a problem. If your sex life is creating shame and guilt, it’s a problem. If it’s impairing, it’s a problem. If you’re feeling confident and there are no negative consequences, it’s great. But, especially for women who enjoy sex, they may be labeled a slut. If you acknowledge that you love sex, and know you’ll be called a slut, you’re not going to carry around protection for fear of being labeled and you’re setting yourself up for negative consequences. The word “slut” needs to be eradicated.

CC: On the flip side, what is sexual anorexia? 
CD: Instead of acting out sexually, it’s a fear and avoidance and discomfort and rejection of sex.  It mirrors food anorexia. Sex anorexics don’t want to consume or talk about sex. There is a difference between a sexual anorexic and a late bloomer. A late bloomer is someone who holds off on sex, but they’re confident in their choice and they can own it and talk about it. Sexual anorexics have anxiety — they don’t want to think about it. It is usually born out of trauma.

CC: What is the most common sexual dysfunction?
CD: If I’m working with couples, disparate sexual desire — one partner wants sex way more than the other. Also, love and sex addiction, which is usually encouraged by the internet in that it is always accessible and confidential. Women and men are cheating online via webcams and sexting. It’s becoming compulsive and impulsive. They get caught up in it to the detriment of a healthy sex life.

CC: How does that happen?
CC: Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. Sex became more attractive as a way to cope or check out. Their sex isn’t wholesome, healing or pleasure based. They have shame and guilt. They’re not having happy relationships. It happens when people get into a relationship, and they can’t handle another level of intimacy, so they get it taken care of out of the relationship. More men are sex addicts, more women are love addicts — obsessively reading romance novels, watching certain tv shows, starting online relationships, their whole life shrinks to one addiction.

CC: What role does self-esteem play in sexual dysfunction?
CD: Self-esteem is the basis of everything. It’s at the core. Getting more self-esteem is how you start to raise the bar and demand better, and don’t allow unhealthy behaviors or addictions.

CC: How do you start re-building self-esteem?
CD: Isolating problematic behaviors. Take a break and recover. Restructure life. Building a nurturing social circle. Engaging in romantic relationships that feel wholesome or nurturing. Finding a purpose in life.

CC: What is the neurology of sex?
CD: Everything that happens has a neurological aspect. Every change in our behavior creates a change in our brain. Love addiction or sexual anorexia reshapes your brain and you set up your brain to not welcome a relationship or it wants constant stimulation. You have to rewire your brain through changing your behavior.

CC: Why is our culture so sex-negative.
CD: We use words that show/imply embarrassment. We don’t say vagina, we say “down there.” I’m a fan of correct language. It’s okay to talk about sex and sexuality. Get the words out there so people don’t shudder. There’s so much shame in our bodies and our sexuality. Our culture, religion and education dump our issues on us and they teach us which words to use. Using “slut” and “down there,” I have to stop and say “do you mean…?” and don’t shame them.

CC: How do you communicate effectively?
CD: A lot of couples operate from a place of mind-reading. If sex isn’t feeling good or you’re interested in trying other things, tell them. It’s about getting comfortable having a conversation. At first your partner might be awkward, but you have to do it. Coming out is scary and it isn’t just for gay people. You come out over and over again, because your sex life might change. You have to work to express the range of your sexuality. Vocalizing how you feel.  Relax and allow yourself to receive. It’s okay to be self-absorbed. Sex challenges our body esteem. Get comfortable with your body and what it looks like and feels like.

Are you totally obsessed with him yet? A guy on TV promoting healthy, positive, non slut-shamey attitudes toward sex? I am! Catch Bad Sex on LOGO Fridays at 9:00pm. You can also stream the episodes at logotv.com!

The generations of women before us were powerful. They got us the right to vote, and they paved the way for women to be high-ranked employees in their careers. But our generation is doing something good too. We’re slowly getting men to have period sex.

Some people flinch at the idea of period sex. I don’t. There’s nothing wrong with it.  Yes it’s messy, and yes it’s bloody. But so what? My boyfriend has seen me puke up pizza and breadsticks while I’ve been drunk, he can handle a little blood.

Speaking of boyfriends, period sex is probably only a good idea with your boyfriend. But he probably should be your boyfriend of at least six months. When you first get together with a guy, he doesn’t even want to think about your periods or anything else gross, so I would wait until you’re pretty comfortable with each other. You should be at the stage where he can see you without makeup, and at least one of you has seen the other one pee.

So why period sex? Why can’t I just wait four days until my period is over? Because it feels good, just like at any other time of the month. If women have to give guys blow jobs first thing in the morning because guys are bags of testosterone at that time, then we can get some period sex, thank you very much. I haven’t even had my pancakes yet, and I’m supposed to put your penis in my mouth? No way.

But period sex sounds so messy, you say. It doesn’t have to be, I would just not advise to have sex on day two or three (whichever your heaviest day is, you don’t want your bed to look like a scene from Dexter). So in order to cut down on some of the mess, combine your guy’s fantasy of shower sex with your desire for period sex, and viola! No mess. If that’s not your thing, you can always put a towel down on your bed, and then you won’t risk ruining your sheets.

I think you’ll be surprised to find that if you just ask your guy to have sex with you while you’re on your period, he won’t mind. He’s a guy. He gets to have sex. Once you’re mid-sex, he won’t even know that his penis is covered in uterine lining. So let’s keep getting men to have period sex with us, and maybe the next generation will get guys to have oral sex with Aunt Flo.

1. Surprise butt sex.
I get it. The anus and the vagina are pretty close together, especially in certain positions, and a guy could easily make a mistake and go for the other hole. That said, there’s a difference between the accidental poke (ie: the instigator apologizes profusely upon realizing the error of his ways) and a clearly premeditated anal sex attack, which includes a whole lot of feigned ignorance (Really? You didn’t notice the complete lack of lubrication and the unusual tightness?) mixed with a ton of reluctance and a sad face when you don’t go along with it. Pure gauche.

2. Body shaming.
Being nude in front of someone else can be extremely scary. Most of us have at least one part of our body that we’re not 100 percent thrilled about, so when we get naked, we’re vulnerable.  So that means play nice. Whatever flaw you perceive your partner’s body to have? They’ve already noticed it. Don’t pinch someone’s fat and make a face (based on a true story). Don’t scoff at his penis. And don’t spend time exaggeratedly gagging at what you perceive to be excessive amount of genital hair – if that is really an issue, bring it up later, in a mature, thoughtful way. If you ultimately don’t find someone else attractive, that’s totally fine, but there is no reason to be hurtful or disrespectful about it.

3. Pressuring.
Let’s say you really want to try some new position, or introduce a toy, or role play, or whatever. And you express your desire to your partner, and they veto it. Let it go. Move on for now. Don’t whine, pout, or try to emotionally manipulate your partner into doing whatever it is you want to do. Not only is it extremely annoying, but it can also make your partner feel like their opinions aren’t valued.

4. Comparisons.
I’ve thought about other people during sex before. I’m sure all of our minds have wandered, thinking about past experiences or indulging in a little fantasy sex with the celeb of our choice. That’s normal. But, for example, if your partner is going down on you and you can’t stop thinking about the way your ex used to do it, absolutely, under no circumstances, should you say anything like, “Oh, Brandon used to [do it like this/do it so much better].” You can guide your partner without bringing up someone else, especially someone you’ve banged before. That is insensitive, rude and callous.

5. Unwanted aggression
First of all, I’d like to address the practice of men pushing women’s heads down when we’re giving head. For any guys reading this, that is a big bundle of no. If you want us to go harder, faster, deeper, use your words. Most of us have gag reflexes, and we have to work up to porn star BJs. Calm down. On a more general note, please keep it consensual, all the way. If your partner seems hesitant, slow down, communicate, make sure you’re on the same page. Consent is a dynamic concept, and you can’t assume that the second clothes come off, everything is on the table.

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, we tried a variety of positions to find the ones that we both liked the best. Once we found them, I was way less inclined to be more experimental. And I’m totally okay with it. I like going into sex knowing that I will derive immense pleasure from it. It’s satisfying to know that 99.9 percent of the time, I will orgasm in a certain position, in a certain angle, with a certain amount of thrusting. I like not having to worry about awkward maneuvering because we’re both so familiar with these positions that it comes easily and naturally.

I understand the importance of exploring the various ways you can be turned on, of trying to inject some excitement into an otherwise uninspiring routine. That said, sometimes the reason why you do the same things over and over and over again are because you find them enjoyable and pleasurable, not because you are stuck in a rut.

Occasionally, when my gaze lands upon a Cosmo cover that boasts that of the one zillion ways to please your man, I’m hit with a bit of panic. I wonder if maybe my sex life is dull. I wonder if he’s secretly been dying to put me in the wheelbarrow position in a pool while he’s fingering my butt (or I’m fingering his). I wonder if maybe the fact that I insist my favorite position every single session is tedious and tiresome. But then I realize that sometimes we don’t have routines because we’re stuck in ruts and are afraid of change. Sometimes we have routines because they’re consistently functional and enjoyable.

I’m not sure what it is about the sex advice “industry” is intent on making sex sound so much more complicated than necessary. Like we all have to make it our mission to climb to the peak of some mythical “mindblowing sex” mountain. Everyone has different ideas of what makes great sex, and while I strongly advocate for strong communication and re-examining boundaries,  at the end of the day, if your favorite position is missionary in bed, then good for you! Sex is about mutual pleasure between the parties involved, and if the parties involved are content, then I fail to see the need to recreate every position in the Kama Sutra.

That said, the idea of engaging in one myself seems daunting. I occasionally like to tease my boyfriend with talk about having a threesome with his favorite model, but imagining myself in a threesome is…difficult at best. However, my inner Girl Scout always wants me to be prepared, so naturally I’ve done some research on how to make a threesome not suck.

Talk it through thoroughly with your partner.
Cover all the bases – the participant, the logistics, the potential emotions…everything. Determine if the third is going to be a guy or a girl. A stranger or a friend? Make sure you have a totally private place that you can make as comfortable as possible. Talk about your worries, your insecurities, the possibility for jealousy, the ramifications of your relationship. Incorporating someone else into your own little intimate world is not something to be taken cavalierly. Make your boundaries abundantly clear – is penetration okay? Vaginal or anal? What body parts are off limits? What about oral? Toys? Role play? It’s important to set detailed ground rules before it happens, so you’re not completely taken aback in the moment.

Make sure you’re totally okay with it.
If the only reason you’re into the idea of a threesome is because your partner has mentioned it, don’t do it. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for everyone involved. Your partner’s happiness can’t override your own.  Moreover, a threesome challenges a lot of our ideas of our sexuality, which can be terrifying and unnerving. But being in a threesome doesn’t necessarily mean anything significant. Sexuality is a spectrum. Being aroused by someone of a sex/gender you’re not usually attracted to doesn’t mean you have to totally re-evaluate your sexual identity. It’s okay to have to work through some hangups before you decide whether or not you’re interested.

Find a good fit.
I’m no threesome expert, but I don’t think the “third” should be someone you are friends with. While it may seem like a great idea — you know the person, trust them, can communicate with them, etc. — I think it would ultimately end up being messy and sloppy and not worth it. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it’s highly unlikely that the dynamics of the friendship wouldn’t be irreparably damaged. Luckily, we have the Internet. Craigslist, Adult Friend Finder, Sexually Social and FetLife are all sites you and your partner can find candidates. Don’t approach this expecting to email someone today and be naked with them tomorrow. Take a few days to correspond, maybe go out to coffee or something to see if the chemistry is there. The best thing about finding someone online is you can be completely straightforward since everyone knows what the endgame is.

Be safe.
Everyone should know everyone else’s STD status. Don’t be afraid to ask for proof. This is your health and it’s super important. Make sure you don’t double dip with condoms. Never use the same condom with two different partners. Make sure you assign a hand to each person so you’re not, um, “cross-contaminating.”

Have realistic expectations.
While, ideally, it would be awesome if all three of you connected seamlessly, and the sex was spectacular, and everyone felt 100 percent amazing about it, there is also the very real possibility that one or more parties is going to feel uncomfortable before, during and/or after. Someone may feel left out and jealous. Someone may have just been totally bored. Someone may have started developing feelings. Sex can stir up a vast spectrum of emotions due to the hormones and chemicals our bodies produce, and it is okay to reflect on your experience and not like it, or to reflect on your experience and want to repeat it. Like everything else, a threesome is just a live and learn experience. It doesn’t have to be a defining experience if you don’t want it to be.

Hey Dude,

I recently (as in a few days ago) had sex for the first time, with the guy that I am dating. It really hurt, but he was patient with me. Round two the next morning felt better, but still hurt a bit.

But that’s not my problem. What’s kinda worrying me is that he’s so quiet during sex, and during foreplay. Even when I go down on him!

It’s not what I was expecting, his breathing doesn’t seem to get heavier during the deed, unless he’s just about to come. I’m not expecting him to be moaning at the top of his lungs or anything, but a bit of feedback would certainly help me to know that I’m getting the hang of things. And considering he said I’m really good at going down on him, is it fair to expect some noise?

I’m trying to make sure we tell each other what we want and what we’re willing to do, because I think that’s really important (and if there’s anything College Candy blogs have taught me, its that communication with your partner makes things easier and better). So I tried to talk to him about it in a light-hearted way, telling him its okay to make a bit of noise and that no one’s going to hear him (I live in a shared house with friends), and that I find it hot when guys lose a bit of control and let go, and he just said he’s a quiet guy and pretty much dropped the subject.

So, does it sound like its him, or me?? I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, but as this is all new to me I don’t want to feel insecure either. How can I approach this subject (again) with him?

Sincerely,

Newbie

Dear Newbie,

Some are quiet, some are loud, some are scared, and some are proud. Some are smart and some are dumb, but there’s no need to worry if he’ll always cum!

The proof’s in the “pudding.” You get him off, regularly, the sex part of your relationship is progressing, and you’ve kept the lines of communicado openado. Now you have to believe that it’s really not you.

If he didn’t splooge then, yeah, that’s a physical sign that might be traced to your technique (or to his own fear of his orgasm). But he does. And he comes back for more. You’ve gone about this is in a really healthy way it sounds like. Now STOP!

Look, most people like approval. We all enjoy positive feedback and like to know that we’re giving as good as we’re getting (or even being better at it). If he says that he’s just the quiet type and you’ve been able to trust him up to now, then there’s no reason to doubt. You’re thinking in terms of “supposed to” and that’s where self-sabotage or unrealistic expectations can start to grow. You’re not doing that yet but you’re starting to tip-toe into that territory.

I won’t lie to you. There are some guys who grin and bear it when it comes to blowjobs. Unfortunately, not all men are satisfied with how their gals perform the operation. And they’re too scared to say anything. Usually, they’re too scared because they don’t trust their partner to handle it, they want to protect them, etc. From what it sounds like though, you guys are pretty open with each other and are comfortable talking turkey (sex turkey?) so I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.

Worst case scenario, see if he’d be open for a polygraph?

Seriously, though, if you take him past the boiling point then that’s a pretty good indicator he likes what you’re doing. I mean, do you have too many complaints from him when he gets you off all the time?

Don’t sweat. Don’t overanalyze. Let it go and let it flow and most of all: have fun with each other.

“Finish him!”

The Dude