In the spirit of the holiday, I’ve put together a list of 10 reasons I’m thankful for sex. I’m sure we can all agree there are many more than 10 reasons to be thankful for sexy time, but there is football to be watched, online sales to be shopped and pumpkin pie to be eaten. There just isn’t enough time in this day to say all my Thank You’s.

So, here goes.
My big, fat thank you to fornication!

1. Orgasms. ‘Nuff said.

2. Sex releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. They also make your hair shiny and skin smooth.

3. Sex makes babies. Babies are cute (as long as they’re not mine).

4. Sex is free (usually) and fun (usually).

5. Sex helps me connect with people. And not just the people I have sex with. Sex gives me dirty details to dish to my friends, the Internet, or even strangers on the subway.

6. Sex gives me something to write about every week. Which looks good on my resume. Which will help get me a job. Sex will get me a job!

7. Sex gives me something to daydream about during my long, boring biology lectures. (My professor may drone on, but he’s banging and I can only imagine what’s going on under those pleated khakis.)

8. Sex burns calories. Up to 300 an hour! So after today’s feast, it will only take about 25 hours of sex to burn it all off.

9. Sex helps me fall asleep at night, which is a much healthier habit than relying on sleeping pills. Plus it’s more fun. See #4.

10. Sex made me! I’d rather not think about the specifics, but some day a long time ago my parents had (gasp) sex and now here I am. And that is definitely something I can be thankful for.

Why are you thankful for sex?

Let’s be honest – we all like to get some on a fairly regular basis. But what’s a girl to do when the one she wants it from is a little too far away? It’s not like you can call up a guy who lives four hours away, tell him you’re horny, and expect him to deliver. You can bet that you probably would have taken care of it before he even got on the freeway. Thus, I decided to compile a little list of quirky ways to tide you and your guy over until you see each other in the flesh.

Phone Sex: This is the classic way to get your jollies when away from your lover. The upside? Feeling a little more desirable than just flying solo. The downside? Having friends and/or hear your various noises permeate through the walls. Could provide for a veryyy awkward conversation soon after.

Webcam Fun: With the invention of iChat and Skype, face-to-face action is becoming more popular than ever. However, be sure that if you do decide to have your own little “digital get down” that you lock your door. I can tell you (sadly, from personal experience), it is quite embarrassing to have your friend walk in on you half naked playing online strip chess with your boyfriend. Whoooppss.

Internet-Enabled Vibrators: Now I’m not sure if I would go so far to use this puppy, but it’s an interesting invention none the less. Connect the Doc Johnson High Joy Internet Enabled Rabbit Vibrator  (phew, that’s a mouthful…that’s what she said!) to your computer and get ready for a good time. It connects through HighJoy.com, which also happens to be an internet dating site. Not only can it connect it you to your Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now, but you can also program it to go along with your favorite pornos. You got it: this Rabbit can simulate the sensations that you would be feeling if you were in the movie itself. I’m starting to wonder if there’s really anything it can’t do….or if I need this long distance boyfriend afterall.

Text Sex: I am embarrassed to admit it, but I was a serial text-sexer for quite some time. And although it isn’t the most satisfying of communication mediums, it’s still a good way to keep the sparks flying without completely humiliating yourself. This holds especially true if you tend to be on the more modest side. I don’t know about you, but I get a little creeped out at the thought of somebody listening to my heavy breathing on the other end of the phone line or watching me disrobe on a computer screen. Texting allows me to get a little naughty without leaving my comfort zone. Just please don’t attempt this one if you don’t have an unlimited texting plan. I really doubt you want to explain to your Dad why you have 100 outgoing text messages at 3:16 AM…

How do you cope with a long-distance lover? Let me know!

I’ve taken the liberty to analyze the various sexual shenanigans we get ourselves into, and I think I’ve come onto something. I’m starting to think that our sexual partners closely resemble that of our cellular telephone devices. Think I’m full of s**t? Well read on, nonbeliever.

The Crap Nokia aka The One Night Stand

So you’re hovering over the frat house toilet seat, trying not to get an STI or pee on yourself, and your phone slips out of your back pocket and plops into the water. Suddenly, you’re out of a cell phone and you need one, STAT. Just like getting dumped or running into your ex, I would think of this as a rather desperate situation. So what do you do? You go for the next easy thing that comes along and satisfies your basic needs. Just like your friend’s gigantic Nokia phone with Snake and an antenna, a one night stand will be there for you when you need one thing and one thing only. You may use Mr. Nokia for a night or two, but you can bet you’ll toss that puppy as soon as something better comes along.

The Motorola Razor aka The Friend with Benefits

Like a good friend, the Razor will always be there waiting for you when you need it. Even though it came out, like, twelve years ago, you can always get this puppy in a pinch without feeling totally desperate. Back when it was new, you may have put it (or a great guy friend/hook up) on a pedestal. Now that it’s been around for a while, however, you recognize its shortcomings and appreciate it for its ability to satisfy your basic needs without becoming too attached. Plus, if you decide to upgrade and it won’t work out, you can count on the Razor guy to be around when you need him most.

Blackberry aka The New Relationship

When I got my blackberry, I couldn’t put it down for the life of me. I just kept playing with it incessantly, causing my roommate to constantly make fun of me for being addicted to my “crackberry.” Just like a blackberry, a new relationship can feel like an addiction of sorts, whether it’s an addiction to the person, the sex, or the way that you feel in their presence. And, unlike the Razor or the Crap Nokia, the Blackberry has the ability to satisfy many needs rather than just the basics. This is the kinda phone (or gent) that you’ll want to hold onto as long as it works and fits into your lifestyle.

iPhone aka The Lover

Now I’ve never had an iPhone, but I can imagine once you own one you’ll never want to have anything else. The iPhone can do pretty much anything. It comes with the basic features, but, over time, you can add more and more applications to tend to all areas of your life. Once you get one of these babies, you’re gonna hold onto it as long as you can. Seriously, would anybody think twice about trading in the Iphone for a janky Nokia, Razor, or even a Blackberry? Just like a great love, you wouldn’t sacrifice the one that satisfies all of your needs for one that can only temporarily fulfill the most basic of desires.

Have you found your iPhone or are you still hangin round with the Crap Nokia, waiting for something better to come along? Let me know what’s on your mind!

Deep inside of my computer, within file upon file, lies a mysteriously lonely Excel spreadsheet titled “Hit List.” This, my friends, is where I keep a list of every single person I’ve hooked up with. I keep it tucked away as far in there as possible so that nobody, especially parents or siblings, can ever find it.

Some may think it ridiculous, other may think it slutty, but I like to think of it as a responsible way to keep track of one’s sexual partners. There are many reasons and methods to keeping a hit list, and, via extensive research in the field, I have gathered the best evidence out there in support of the sExcel spreadsheet (pun intended).

A wholesome feeling of accomplishment: My friend Meegan periodically sneaks a peek at her list as a means to see how far she’s come over the years. Think of it as the trophy case of hook-ups. If you’re like Meegan and can hook-up without getting attached, it can turn into a way to record “achievements.” It almost acts like an addendum to your “Things to Do Before I Graduate” checklist. Live your lifelong dream of banging your GSI? Add that baby to the list, sit back, let out a big sigh, and bask in your accomplishments.

In remembrance – literally: Honestly, my hit list started as a means for me to record my hookups before I forget them. As time goes on and you find yourself thrown into the college hook-up scene, it becomes a little difficult to remember what’s-his-face you made out with after homecoming. In fact, I am so bad with remembering these things over time that I’ve even broken my list down into tiers – MO (pronounced like it looks and stands for Make Out), “In Between”, and Home Run. Imagine if my Mom found that puppy…

Safety first: Not only does a sExcel spreadsheet function as a method of recollection, it also doubles as a handy phone tree in case you catch something. Call the most recent fellow on the bottom and work your way down until you find the source. I’m not saying that contracting STDs is a good thing, but at least you’ll have a sense of security in case you do. Plus, you’ll even know which tool to blame for your most unfortunate circumstance.

Statistical analysis: Having all of your hook-ups on paper in chronological order is like a financial statement for your sex life. Just like the economy fluctuates in levels of prosperity, your sex life has ups and downs of its own. Going down the list you can see periods of recession (the dry spell) or personal growth (“getting dat fo sho”). Occasionally, there may even be periods of depression, AKA the desperate hook-up. We’ve all been there – the recession becomes so unbearable that something possesses you to call THAT guy. Y’know, the guy that asked to see your boobs before you even ordered dessert on your first date. Hey, don’t worry, it’s happened to the best of us. And if nothing else, you have an excuse to take a peak at that Hit List just one more time…

Anyone else keep a hit list or have another method (Photo album, perhaps?) Let me know!

Since learning that confidence is the most attractive thing to a man, I have been pretty successful in my late night endeavors. I see a man I want and I go for it. The general “walk up to a guy and flirt your heart out” approach is most definitely the way to go, but it is the variety of pick-up lines that makes the whole thing so much more fun.

My 5 most successful are listed below. Feel free to use ‘em…they work like a charm. (Just make sure to thank me later. I accept cookies, hugs and dates with Jake Gyllenhaal.)

1. Did you go to [Insert school here]? It is always good to have something to talk about when you approach a man. I mean, you would look pretty creepy if you just walked up to him and stood around. The school thing is always the best way to go because even if you know for a fact that kid did NOT go to Michigan, it is a great way to start off a convo. And let him know how smart you are.

2. My friends and I are fighting and I need your opinion. Is it true that all you guys need is a handful? Always a good line for the flatter ladies out there. This says, I have small boobs and I’m fine with it. Oh, it also shows the guy you have a sense of humor…and you want him to look at your boobs. Later. In bed.

3. Tell your friend you don’t need a wingman. Dudes always bring out a wingman. Without one, they just look like creepy/sleezy guys looking to get laid. Just tell him to ditch the friend and you have yourself more one on one time…instead of all that time wasted hanging out with the friends and trying to think of a way to get home.

4. [Chugs drink in front of boy.] I can’t seem to get a drink around here…Maybe you’ll have better luck? What can I say? I like getting free drinks… Oh and free drinks lead to drunk/horny people, which ends up working for all of us in the end.

5. What do you do for a living? Oh? I write a sex column. This one gets them every. time. And maybe that’s why I’m always using it. Men simply cannot turn down the opportunity to see their name in print. The minute I tell them what I do (and prove it by whippin’ out the iPhone), they can’t stay away. Not a sex columnist? Lie. I promise…this one always leads to happy endings (and not the kind you have to pay for).

Got any others? I’m always open to trying new ideas….