Foreplay doesn’t necessarily have to be a means to an end – what it aims to do is get you and your partner in a sexually charged mood, which in and of itself is incredibly enjoyable. There are so many ways to integrate foreplay into your sexy times. Some of my favorites include:

Sexting.
I know there are tons of horror stories of sexting gone terribly awry – private texts/photos being spread around without your consent, accidentally sexting your parents/exes/bosses, the fact that 12-year-olds engage in it…sexting has cultivated a grotesque reputation, to say the least. But as long as you have a trustworthy partner (and you double-check the recipient box on your phone), sexting is an awesome way to create intimacy and arousal, especially if you plan on getting it on later in the day. Talk about things you can’t wait to do with/to your partner, describe fantasies, even send nudies if you are so inclined (without your face, always).

Making out.
Sometimes it seems like once you’re sexually active, the only thing on the menu is sex. But there is something to be said about some old-school kissing/groping, including putting up the same boundaries you used to (like no crotch contact…at least temporarily). It mentally takes you back to those days when hooking up filled you with butterflies and anticipation of where it lead, which is undeniably hot.

Putting on a show.
Bust out that lingerie, or your favorite t-shirt/panties combo, choose a song that makes you feel gorgeous, and strut your stuff for your boo. I know it could be awkward or uncomfortable, but ultimately, confidence is the only thing you need. As long as you are relaxed and enjoying yourself, you are going to look amazing. Embracing your inner burlesque goddess will give you a sense of control and power. That look of pure lust and awe your partner will inevitably give you will make you feel like you can rule the world. (Who runs the world? Girls.)

Slowing it down.
Sometimes we get into this frenzied frantic rush to get it in and get off. While I appreciate a quality quickie as much as anyone else, one of the most sensual moments in the world is when both you and your partner never want this moment to end, and you’re dedicated to savoring every piece of each other. Spend more time on oral sex, stop the action and give each other massages, take the time to just breathe each other in.

In reality, though hook ups are common, an increased number of students are identifying as virgins. As much as I love talking about sex, and how amazing it can be, I totally acknowledge abstinence as a legitimate choice. For much of my college life, I was practicing abstinence. Contrary to stale stereotypes, I wasn’t a sullen, judgmental prude waiting for the perfect man to marry me before I gave it up. I was sex-positive, make out-friendly, and always looked forward to Sunday mornings so I could live vicariously through my friends’ recaps of their sexcapades.

Despite my deep interest in sex, I knew I wasn’t ready to engage yet (unlike others). I was waiting for someone I could trust. Someone who would grab breakfast with me in the dining hall a couple of times a week, who would respond to my texts in a reasonably timely fashion, who I could have the “let’s get tested” convo with, who would be there for me if I did get pregnant and would be a source of support for me while I figured out what my next course of action would be.  And I just wasn’t coming across dudes who fit that description.

I’m a sensitive, emotionally-driven woman.  I was distraught when I kissed a guy and then he would proceed to pretend I fell off the earth. The idea of actually having sex with someone who would then refuse to acknowledge my existence was just unbearable to me.  I wasn’t begrudging of my friends who were able to hook up with whatever random cutie they found at the bar, or my friends who snagged amazingly kind guys. I was totally comfortable with the path I chose.

And that’s the most important thing.

Really, whenever you’re having sex, you should be completely at peace with your decision to do so. Abstinence is a totally commendable option for college students. We all have different comfort levels, and none of us should be stigmatized for our personal choices, especially if we’re not harming anyone else.

There are some things that should be discussed at the outset of every relationship – ground rules, expectations, fast-growing tumors, but for some reason sexual compatibility seems to often be bypassed during these discussions. Partially because some people think it’s not important, and partially because they remain hopeful that either they or their partner are going to “warm up” to sex and eventually, once the relationship gets going, the sex will be frequent and awesome.

Some luck out and the “wait it out” strategy works, but that’s not always the case.

Ups-and-downs in sexual frequency are totally normal in any relationship. We hit that honeymoon newly-in-love phase, and find ourselves constantly naked, but eventually things die down – and that’s to be expected. But if you expect your partner to be monogamous, then your sex drive affects them too. Failing to discuss your ideal sex life is a huge mistake — if you’ve got a very low or very high sex drive, your partner deserves to know. Realizing in the middle of an LTR that you’re severely sexually incompatible can be a really big issue to deal with. It might even be the make-or-break point in your relationship.

It’s not all about being horny, either – it’s about intimacy, closeness, and feeling desired by your partner. For the person who wants sex the most (no, this isn’t always the man), having a higher sex drive is going to lead to rejection… and lots of it. Not only is this immensely frustrating, but it’s also not good for your ego. You might start to feel like something is wrong with you (“why does my partner not want to have sex with me?”), and as with any other kind of rejection, dealing with it constantly has gotta cause some damage to your self-esteem. And for the partner with the lower sex drive (also, not always the woman), it’s frustrating to be “bothered” for sex on a constant basis. You might start to feel that there is something wrong with your low sex drive, or worse, that your partner only ever wants to have sex.

As I’ve mentioned before, sex is a completely reasonable deal breaker. No one should have to live with constant rejection or with having to constantly reject their partners. When a relationship is sexually incompatible, it’s bad for both parties. So what do you do, stand it on a handshake and try to be friends? Possibly. But there are other things to try before calling it quits.

When you’re in a monogamous relationship, it becomes your responsibility to make sure your partner is sexually satisfied. No, I do not mean that you have to have sex with them every time they want it, and no, I do not mean that they own your genitals and can make you do it even if you don’t want to. By responsibility I mean that it’s your job to understand that your sex drive – high or low – affects two people, and it’s your responsibility to figure out how you can both be satisfied.

Compromise is going to be your friend here – and to be honest, it’s the only way a sexually incompatible couple fighting through all the negative feelings that come with mis-matched sex drives can deal with such an issue. The partner with the higher sex drive needs to come to a reasonable compromise as to the frequency of sex – once a week, or every two weeks, maybe? And the person with the low sex drive needs to be GGG and figure out ways they can meet that need. You don’t have to have intercourse always, but you need to do something. Compromise with some bi-weekly oral sex, or some mutual masturbation (er,  assisted masturbation?).

This seems like a lot of work to deal with one problem in a relationship, doesn’t it? It is a ton of work – and sometimes you can find a solution, and sometimes you can’t. So have the flippin’ conversation at the beginning! A question as simple as, “so, ideally, how many times a week do you like to have sex?” should get the ball rolling in the right direction. It might seem like a weird thing to discuss, and it might be a little awkward at first, but it’s better to realize it now, in college, than 15 years from now when you’re married with three kids.

Want more Sexy Time? (Who doesn’t?) Get some. Right here.

Why that relationship lasted three months after that, I have no idea.

Sadly, this isn’t a mindset unique to my ex – this idea of college as a place to get laid more than a place of education seems to be rampant among students (and non-students too, apparently). The idea seems to be that having a period of promiscuity and disregard for normal societal behavior is something we all  “deserve.” That there’s no way we could grow up and get married without having had some time to sleep around and be wild and crazy.

It’s no wonder we have this expectation, really — we see movies like American Pie that outline little except for the booze and sex lifestyle, and we read sites like College Candy that tend to talk a lot about the stereotypical college life. When we see a college lady who made a power point of her sexual exploits and Tucker Max making millions off of his “sex” life, what are we supposed to think?

I’m all for (safe) casual sex and a good time, but is it an integral stage in life? Probably not. If not having a slew of partners before entering a relationship leaves you feeling like you’ve missed out – that’s an issue due to your relationship, not due to the fact you don’t have a plethora of sexual experiences previously.

There’s nothing wrong with having a “college experience” – being wild for a couple of years and getting your freak on. But why do so many think this is something we have to experience in order to have a “complete” college life? As though staying in and watching movies on the weekend is somehow a waste of our tuition.

The problem with these expectations comes when those who have built this idea in their head and reach college to realize that, well, it’s just not really like that. Sure, there are opportunities to get half naked, play beer pong, and have some casual sex – but there’s also a lot of cookie dough-eating and Grey’s Anatomy-watching.

What does this mean for those who prefer not to partake in the “crazy” activities – those who are waiting ‘til marriage to get busy, or people who just don’t enjoy the whole casual sex and drinking scene? These people graduate the same as everyone else, and to be honest, I highly doubt that skipping the booze-and-sex makes them feel like they’ve missed out.

There’s always some excitement that comes with the first few months of being away from our parents, living on our own, and able to do pretty much whatever we want. But does that mean we should?  What do you guys think, is the “college experience” and integral part of young adulthood?

Obviously, a lot of these involve sex. (What can I say? It’s always on my mind.)

So this week, I’ve decided to put together a comprehensive list of every last place we all should have sex (not together, of course) before walking the plank into real life. Unfortunately, I go to an all-women’s college so most of these are just wishful thinking for me, but they are more than feasible and exciting for the rest of you.

An empty classroom. Make sure you can’t be seen from the window on the door.

On the top bunk. You haven’t experienced college if you’ve never banged your head in cowgirl position.

A frat house. Use protection.

The shower. Don’t forget your flip-flops

You’re roommate’s bed. Just make sure she won’t be coming home in the middle of it… and clean the sheets after.

The movie theater. In case you didn’t get to in high school. Might be better to stick to heavy petting on this one.

A stranger’s house at a party. Find an empty room, unless you’re really adventurous.

Outside. I once had sex up against a tree in the Rocky Mountains. Highly recommended.

An on-campus bathroom. For the between-class quickie.

You’re bedroom at home. Because you’re finally allowed to have the door closed when boys are over.

A cheap hotel room. Because who can afford a 5-star hotel for a romantic weekend away?

On the beach. Spring Break is just around the corner….

On an airplane. Might be better to just throw a blanket over your laps and do some handiwork; there’s no need to get Homeland Security involved in your sex life.

In a foreign country. If you’re not studying abroad, at least do it in another state.

In the library. I can’t think of a better use for group-study rooms. And that whole “sex in the stacks” really is a rite of passage.

Any other places you should get frisky in before graduation?

It’s back-to-school time, and I’ve been spending some time lately thinking about what college means for our sex lives. College is our time to explore anything that interests us to find out what we really like and what type of people we want to become. We explore different majors, career paths, friendships, relationships, and sexualities. College is the first time in our lives most of us can really embrace our sexuality, explore it, and figure out how to truly enjoy it.

I go to a women’s college, so my first year was filled with questions from friends back home asking if I’d become a lesbian. My answer: so what if I had? And why did they care?

Despite the freedom we gain in college from adults, we are still constrained by our peers’ expectations of us, which can make it difficult to remain true to ourselves and create a healthy personal (and sexual) identity.

Here are some tips I hope you girls (and guys) can keep in mind while exploring sex in college.

It’s OK to be a virgin.
This had to come first because I think a lot of students are under the impression that there aren’t any virgins left in college, or that it’s weird to be a virgin in college. It’s completely normal to be a virgin in college and you should never feel pressured to “lose it” just to fit in.

There are more than three sexualities.
Most people think of sexuality in three categories: gay, straight, or bi. Most people, however, don’t fit neatly into these three categories. I prefer to see sexuality as a spectrum, ranging from completely heterosexual to completely homosexual, with the majority of people falling somewhere in between. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, or even if you don’t know where you fall on the spectrum, you are NORMAL. Don’t ever change yourself to fit someone else’s expectations of you.

Casual sex can be HARD.
Casual sex may seem like the norm in college, but don’t let that trick you into thinking it’s an easy solution to your sexual frustrations. Casual sex can be great if you’re horny and not looking for any type of attachment, but it can also result in a lot of painful feelings if one person cares more than the other. Make sure you know what you’re getting into before you have sex with anyone, be aware that you might get hurt, and USE PROTECTION no matter what.

Monogamy isn’t a golden standard.
Our society tends to regard monogamy as the natural result of romantic relationships, and this isn’t necessarily true. Some people are happy in monogamous relationships, some aren’t. Many college students explore open relationships or multiple relationships. Find out what type of relationship makes you happiest and pursue it.

Let’s be honest – we all like to get some on a fairly regular basis. But what’s a girl to do when the one she wants it from is a little too far away? It’s not like you can call up a guy who lives four hours away, tell him you’re horny, and expect him to deliver. You can bet that you probably would have taken care of it before he even got on the freeway. Thus, I decided to compile a little list of quirky ways to tide you and your guy over until you see each other in the flesh.

Phone Sex: This is the classic way to get your jollies when away from your lover. The upside? Feeling a little more desirable than just flying solo. The downside? Having friends and/or hear your various noises permeate through the walls. Could provide for a veryyy awkward conversation soon after.

Webcam Fun: With the invention of iChat and Skype, face-to-face action is becoming more popular than ever. However, be sure that if you do decide to have your own little “digital get down” that you lock your door. I can tell you (sadly, from personal experience), it is quite embarrassing to have your friend walk in on you half naked playing online strip chess with your boyfriend. Whoooppss.

Internet-Enabled Vibrators: Now I’m not sure if I would go so far to use this puppy, but it’s an interesting invention none the less. Connect the Doc Johnson High Joy Internet Enabled Rabbit Vibrator  (phew, that’s a mouthful…that’s what she said!) to your computer and get ready for a good time. It connects through HighJoy.com, which also happens to be an internet dating site. Not only can it connect it you to your Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now, but you can also program it to go along with your favorite pornos. You got it: this Rabbit can simulate the sensations that you would be feeling if you were in the movie itself. I’m starting to wonder if there’s really anything it can’t do….or if I need this long distance boyfriend afterall.

Text Sex: I am embarrassed to admit it, but I was a serial text-sexer for quite some time. And although it isn’t the most satisfying of communication mediums, it’s still a good way to keep the sparks flying without completely humiliating yourself. This holds especially true if you tend to be on the more modest side. I don’t know about you, but I get a little creeped out at the thought of somebody listening to my heavy breathing on the other end of the phone line or watching me disrobe on a computer screen. Texting allows me to get a little naughty without leaving my comfort zone. Just please don’t attempt this one if you don’t have an unlimited texting plan. I really doubt you want to explain to your Dad why you have 100 outgoing text messages at 3:16 AM…

How do you cope with a long-distance lover? Let me know!

Sometimes good sex feels like a really tough recipe to me. Now, I love cooking; any good cook knows he/she is only as good as the ingredients they use. This is why I love the process of buying vegetables and other ingredients. I even love peeling and cutting. It’s all part of the process to make a great dish.

And, like a recipe, I think sex is only as good as its ingredients: the people involved, and then the deeper ingredients like connection and chemistry. Here are some ingredients that can help make great sex:

Safe, but threatening

Couples need to feel safe around each other, but sex is fun when it has a bad edge to it. If you can make one another feel “comfortably threatened” it can lead to a steamy experience.

Spontaneity

Spontaneity is a common thread for success in all areas of romance, and sex is no different. Sex, just like anything else, can become routine and mundane. How often do we just grab each other and go at it?

Attraction

I’m not one of those lucky guys that has sex with girls who aren’t attracted to me. Some of my friends admit that they’ve had sex with people they were not attracted to. How do these guys pull this off? I need to learn this secret. Nevertheless, none of my friends are ever thrilled about it, so the sex wasn’t that great.

The Intangible Spark

What is it about that certain someone that gets our blood rushing, and makes us hot? Life would be boring if we could answer this question.

Emotional Connection

People can enjoy sex with a limited emotional connection, but most of us need to have a deep emotional connection to have good sex. For me, unless I am really into a girl, sex is kind of ho-hum, and I’m left wondering why I even did it. Good sex is more than just orgasms and touching-it needs to stimulate the mind and spirit.

Read the rest at Marie Claire.

I’ve taken the liberty to analyze the various sexual shenanigans we get ourselves into, and I think I’ve come onto something. I’m starting to think that our sexual partners closely resemble that of our cellular telephone devices. Think I’m full of s**t? Well read on, nonbeliever.

The Crap Nokia aka The One Night Stand

So you’re hovering over the frat house toilet seat, trying not to get an STI or pee on yourself, and your phone slips out of your back pocket and plops into the water. Suddenly, you’re out of a cell phone and you need one, STAT. Just like getting dumped or running into your ex, I would think of this as a rather desperate situation. So what do you do? You go for the next easy thing that comes along and satisfies your basic needs. Just like your friend’s gigantic Nokia phone with Snake and an antenna, a one night stand will be there for you when you need one thing and one thing only. You may use Mr. Nokia for a night or two, but you can bet you’ll toss that puppy as soon as something better comes along.

The Motorola Razor aka The Friend with Benefits

Like a good friend, the Razor will always be there waiting for you when you need it. Even though it came out, like, twelve years ago, you can always get this puppy in a pinch without feeling totally desperate. Back when it was new, you may have put it (or a great guy friend/hook up) on a pedestal. Now that it’s been around for a while, however, you recognize its shortcomings and appreciate it for its ability to satisfy your basic needs without becoming too attached. Plus, if you decide to upgrade and it won’t work out, you can count on the Razor guy to be around when you need him most.

Blackberry aka The New Relationship

When I got my blackberry, I couldn’t put it down for the life of me. I just kept playing with it incessantly, causing my roommate to constantly make fun of me for being addicted to my “crackberry.” Just like a blackberry, a new relationship can feel like an addiction of sorts, whether it’s an addiction to the person, the sex, or the way that you feel in their presence. And, unlike the Razor or the Crap Nokia, the Blackberry has the ability to satisfy many needs rather than just the basics. This is the kinda phone (or gent) that you’ll want to hold onto as long as it works and fits into your lifestyle.

iPhone aka The Lover

Now I’ve never had an iPhone, but I can imagine once you own one you’ll never want to have anything else. The iPhone can do pretty much anything. It comes with the basic features, but, over time, you can add more and more applications to tend to all areas of your life. Once you get one of these babies, you’re gonna hold onto it as long as you can. Seriously, would anybody think twice about trading in the Iphone for a janky Nokia, Razor, or even a Blackberry? Just like a great love, you wouldn’t sacrifice the one that satisfies all of your needs for one that can only temporarily fulfill the most basic of desires.

Have you found your iPhone or are you still hangin round with the Crap Nokia, waiting for something better to come along? Let me know what’s on your mind!

Q: I was wondering if you could go into the mechanics of shower sex in a college dorm… I’m sure it happens, but I was wondering, are there any disciplinary or even legal risks involved of bringing the opposite sex into your bathroom? Tips are also nice too!

A: I have to say, I don’t think shower sex is really all that great–dorm shower sex, even less so. But to each her own–here are the ten things you should know before sudsing up and getting down in the dorm showers:

1. It may be against the rules. Some schools keep women’s and men’s bathrooms separate, in which case, I assume sex in the showers wouldn’t be encouraged either. But hey, might be a great time to work out those bi-curious tendencies. Check your school’s rules–as far as I can tell, dorm shower sex isn’t illegal as a rule, so it’ll depend on your school’s policies–and then figure out how to break them!

2. Remember protection–condoms and flip-flops. You don’t want to catch an STD or a nasty fungus, so keep extremities covered.

3. Remove your eye makeup. I’m not kidding. If you take nothing else away from this, please remember to wipe off you eyeliner before you hook up in the shower. Yes, even the waterproof kind. Not. Pretty.

4. Do it on off-peak hours. Figure out when your dorm shower sees the least traffic and sneak in then. You’re less likely to get caught, and you’re less likely to gross everyone else out with your cries of passion.

5. Don’t do it on the weekend. This might sound counter-intuitive, but unless you want company in the form of other fun-loving couples or that guy on your floor who gets drunk and pukes all over the bathroom every single Saturday, pick a quiet Monday night over a Saturday.

6. Keep it simple. Now is not the time to try out that sex position you read about in Cosmo. Stick to whatever works based on how much space you have and water flow.

7. Lube up. Water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to…lube up with? Yep–the water will actually dry you out, so this is the time to break out the K-Y.

8. For the love of god, keep the soap out of it. If you’re going to be having sex in the shower, don’t lather up your naughty bits first unless you like a little pain–there are some crevices where your fancy body wash doesn’t need to go.

9. Keep towels within arm’s reach. If someone does walk in on you, make sure you have two towels at grabbable distance to cover up with. Your RA does not want to see your bare ass. Unless you’re sexing your RA.

10. Do it for the thrill of it. Don’t expect multiple orgasms when trying out shower sex–you should consider the experiment a success if you make it out of there without foot fungus, a concussion, or having 30 of your floormates see your girls. Shower sex is a novelty, so enjoy it for what it is and don’t put pressure on yourself to have the best sex of your life in there.

Got a question for Pillow Talk? Email it to pillow.talk.cc@gmail.com and we’ll tackle it next time!