When talking to a group of ladies about “numbers” and past experiences, there will always be someone who claims that one of their partners just “doesn’t count” for one reason or another. Many people have “rules” as to what doesn’t really count as sex – which is a good way to lower a number that doesn’t really matter anyways.

So what are some of the excuses people make to keep their “magic number” low and their “I don’t make bad choices” view of themselves high? Oh, well there’s a whole list of ‘em!

Two pump chump: If it’s less than three pumps, it doesn’t really count.

The hangover: If you only remember some of it, it doesn’t really count.

Flaccid Freddy: If it doesn’t stay erect the whole time, it doesn’t really count.

Climax control: If he didn’t finish, it doesn’t really count.

Straight as an arrow: That girl on Spring Break doesn’t really count.

Timer Tammy: If it was less than two minutes, it doesn’t really count.

The one night stand: If it was only one time, so it doesn’t really count.

Anonymous fun: I didn’t even know his name, so it doesn’t really count.

College co-ed: It was just a college experience, it doesn’t really count.

Trippin’ traveler: If it happened in Vegas, it doesn’t really count.

The escort: If you pay for it then it doesn’t really count.

Kissing Karla: We didn’t kiss so it doesn’t really count.

The first time: Oh, the first time doesn’t really count.

Bad to the bone: It was awful, so it doesn’t really count.

… and the list goes on.

Of course we’re only talking about consensual sex here, but here’s the only rule you’ve gotta follow: if it’s in, it counts. Embrace all of your sexual experiences – even the ones that you wish didn’t count. It’s hard to really appreciate good sex unless you’ve had some really bad sex too.

What “it doesn’t really count” excuses have you heard?

Want more Sexy Time? (Who doesn’t?) Get some. Right here.

Instead of turning to sweets (bad for the weight) or vibrators (bad when you’re in an office), I did a little online research. On sex. Here are some tres interesting tidbits about the most talked about subject in the universe (thanks to breathetheoxygen):

1. According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.

2. The most common fantasy is oral sex.

3. 8% of us have regular anal sex.

4. 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.

5. Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.

6. In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed.

7. Men say the average erect penis is 10″. Women say it’s 4″.

8. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.

9. 56% of men have had sex at work.

10. Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an average of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.

11. 1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair.

12. 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.

13. The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.

14. A honeymooning couple sued Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunction because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night.

15. At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful orgasm.

16. England’s King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse.

17. 29% of us are virgins when we marry.

18. The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

19. 58% like dirty talk during sex.

20. 22% rent porno flicks at least once.

21. Given today’s average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.