Your parents house: There’s nothing worse than going at it when your Dad walks in asking if you two are ready for dinner. Not only will he forever hate your boyfriend, but you will no longer be looked at as Daddy’s Little Girl…You will now be looked at as Daddy’s Little Slut. Not the best way to continue that blissful father-daughter relationship…

On an exercise machine: Envision that scene in Sixteen Candles when Long Duck Dong and his butch American lover are getting into it on the stationary bike. A collapsing floor, a germ-filled bike seat and awkward thrusting movements make for a funny make-out stint, but they’re not going to get the job done.

In the sand (beach sex sans a blanket): I don’t like the thought of a sand-covered penis slowly ripping my vagina open. Too graphic? Maybe. But hello, that shit hurts! [Editor's note: Um...ow.]

In the woods: If only this were as romantic as it sounds! However, a Poison Ivy covered private part is not my ideal way to wake up in the morning.

In your dorm room…when you’re roommate is in her bed 10 feet away: I’ve experienced some fairly traumatizing bed screeches and “YES YES YEEEEEEESSSS’s” in my day (thanks freshman pot-luck, sex-crazed roomie). Hey, I’m all for Pleasure Town, but dear God, please go there when I’m not in the room!

On the second floor balcony: If you read my post last week, you’ll know that though I am all for some balcony action, the second floor is simply too close for comfort. As said before, it’s not a pleasant site when your neighbors are laughing and enjoying their morning coffee one second and then are naked and having chair sex the next. Good morning! …I think not.

Please feel free to comment if you’ve ever personally experienced any of the previous traumatizing events. And if not, please feel free to comment regardless. If you want to know what He Said are the worst places to have sex, check it out on COED.

Careful: Those splinters are no joke.

I don’t know what you ladies have been up to this past seven days, but I just got back from the greatest week of my entire summer, visiting my best friend out West. We spent a lot of time just watching movies, talking, and shopping at the biggest mall in North America (for real). Basically, I enjoyed a nice relaxing vacation with the impending start of school being the farthest thing from my mind.

That is until I got home from my week away to find a bunch of  back to school letters from my college staring me straight in the face. That’s right, much to my chagrin, summer is slowly but surely coming to an end.

While this summer has been a sex-free one for me (yes, still! I’m proud of myself too), I have enough sexy summertime memories to be aware that summer might be the greatest season for havin’ sex (although, I don’t think there’s a bad season, really).  Maybe it’s the fact that we’re all wearing little clothing to begin with, or that we can feasibly get naked outside without potentially losing an appendage to frostbite (hey, I am Canadian), but there’s just something fundamentally sexy about summer.

A few months ago, former Sexy Time writer, Kelly, composed a bucket list of places to have sex before you’re done college. With sleeping until noon soon getting replaced by 8am classes, and bonfires replaced with late-night study sessions, I figured that now is a good time to take Kelly’s lead and compile a list of places to get freaky while the days are still long and we’re not yet back to hitting the books.

So, with only a few short weeks until you’re back in the stacks, grab your summer fling and have a little fun:

Tent – Except for that one awkward time, tent sex is, in my experience, the BEST sex. Not only are you essentially outdoors (remove the fly for an awesome post-coital star gazing sesh), but the tent walls are super-thin (enter the taboo factor), and a little rain sets a lotta mood. I would definitely recommend renting out a campsite for a weekend. Or, if you’re broke like I was two summers ago, splurge on a $40 Wal-mart tent and set it up in your yard for a night. Yes, I actually did that, and yes, it was fantastic.

Close to water – Maybe it’s because I’m from a cottage mecca, but there’s something hot about doin’ it by the water — a dock, a boat, the beach, all potentially sexy places to get naked.  Just bring an extra-large blanket if you decide to have sex on the beach; it should help with keeping the sand out of places you never want sand to be.

Car – I know this isn’t just a summer thing, but it’s a whole lot more convenient getting naked in a vehicle that doesn’t need to be left on to run the heat in order to make sure you don’t freeze into a human sexcicle. Plus, it can be varied up pretty easily – just think of all the awesome places you can park!

Hammock – To be honest, I’m not sure how this would work logistically, but a friend of mine was pretty gung-ho about this one. It’d be worth a shot, right?

Tree – As in up against a tree, not in one. (Sex is good, but not worth risking your life.) It’s definitely a quickie-only location, but pretty exhilarating nonetheless.

Balcony – Only works if you’re high enough up and your balcony railing is solid enough (read: cement) that you can lean up against it without putting on a completely public show.

Those are about all the places my post-vacay brain can name off right now. And I totally refuse any responsibility if you get arrested (although, it WOULD make a great morning after story).

What locations are on your sexy Summer Bucket List?

Summer time is here and romance is in the air.  Beachy hair, tan skin, and cute boys are the perfect combo getting everyone in the mood for some love and lust.  So what better way to take advantage of the good weather, spice up the sex life, and get down and dirty (literally) than to take it outside?

Gettin’ naughty a pool, hot tub, or on the beach has been a popular fantasy since Adam gave it to Eve in the Garden of Eden. But maybe it’s not such a good idea. Studies show that this seemingly adventurous act may not be worth the risks, after all.

Condoms + Water = Bad
Thanks to the chemicals used in swimming pools and hot tubs, condoms can be totally ineffective. They can rupture and deteriorate from the heat and chlorine, not to mention slip right off because of the water.  And yes, your chances of getting pregnant in the water are the same, so don’t think you can just skip using the latex this time.

Beach + Sex = Badder
A study published in the Environmental Science and Technology Journal found that there are some dangerous microbes in that luxurious beach sand.  Also, 91% of the beaches in the study had detectable levels of enterococco (bacteria that can cause UTI’s, endocarditis, diverictulitis and meningitis).  I don’t even know what half of those are, but they sure don’t sound good.

Sand Between You…Well, You Know
Sand may feel good to sink your toes in, but it’s not the same story when you sink your vajayjay in there.  Not only is a sandpapery vajay uncomfortable (ew), but it can cause major infections and take a long time to remove completely.  Not to mention, there are some creepy crawlers in the sand. You’ve already got one scary thing comin’ at ya, do you really want to worry about one with pinchers?

Not-So-Hot Tubs
Although these bubbly baths of joy may seem like the perfect place for some steamy, hot sex, the truth is, they are more like bubbly baths of bacteria.  Gettin’ it on in the hot tub could leave you with a nasty yeast infection or other unpleasant ailments.

Being In Water Doesn’t Mean You’re “Wet”
Water can wash away our natural lubrication, causing sex to far less enjoyable than you’d like. So if you’re still turned on by water sex after reading the above facts, your little gal pal downstairs may not agree.

Bad for The Boys
A 2007 study conducted by the University of California, San Fransisco, found that wet heat can cause fertility problems for men.  Although, on second thought, that might not be such a bad thing…

Sorry to ruin the mood, ladies, but it seems like keeping the sex indoors might not sound as fun, but will keep you infection free. (Well, as long as that boy’s sheets are clean…)

Things were busy over here, too. We discovered the guys not worth holding onto, and the perfect vibrator that is. We began to understand why crazy sex positions are totally worth it, and why sex on the beach is a must-do for 2009.

We found a totally hot new band that will change the way you think about music, learned the 14 truths about men, and laughed with the funniest ladies out there.

We found out that guys get Brazilians (?), argued the merit of leggings, and filled our entire closet with new clothes….for free!

We took our first trip to the gyno, learned a ton of new euphemisms for sex, and sought out some not-so-obvious places to meet a man. We looked back at our favorite things from middle school.

We hated/loved Facebook.

And we dipped our toes in the Cougar pool.

2008 was a good year. Here’s hoping 2009 can be as much fun (both in the bedroom and out of it).

Sex in public places – yes, please!

There’s a certain amount of danger and excitement in sex in a public place that makes the original thrill of bumping uglies just that much better. It’s everyone’s fantasy isn’t it? Titillating and only steps away from being a scandal. Sure it’s awkward and not really as hot as they make it seem on TV, but still worth the while.

For me, it’s never been a planned operation; it’s not like me and my menfolk were passing notes on secret meeting places and which skirt I would wear (because skirts are a must for quick sex in a public place). It was just something that happened – he was horny, I was horny, and, apparently, we were both feeling a little adventurous.

There’s no real formula to sex in public places; you just do it. If you’re smart, you do it quietly, because there are people out there and they can hear you (no, rows at the movie theatre do not have a magical sound barrier between them). And you do it quickly, because the trip on the elevator might not be long enough otherwise.

Although it can definitely be a good time, sex in public is also a lot of hassle and, sometimes, more trouble than it’s worth. Like in the bathroom at the bar where you have to be quiet, quick and avoid touching any of the nasty surfaces. Or in the stacks at the library, where you have to be (extra) quiet, quick and conveniently not in a row full of books that some student may want to check out.

Despite it’s downfalls, though, I recommend it to be tried at least once. There’s nothing like the thrill of having your back against the wall with your lover between your legs and the sound of footsteps on the stairs…

[Image courtesy of www.media.canada.com]

They’re trooping off to the polls in the biting November chill, snug in their Uggs and North Faces zipped to the collars. They’re waking up too early and standing around in long lines for something that isn’t free food. They’re American college students, and they are voting.

Smell that? That’s the smell of freedom. Also, American college students don’t shower much.

Are you with them – or are you against them? Political nihilists beware: the jaded, “The-electoral-college-it’s-a-broken-system-f**k-I’m-moving-to-the-Moon” attitude won’t get you anywhere this year, because cynicism is out and passion is in! If it’s such a big stick up your ass, go vote for Bob Barr or something. If he’s not on the ballot, write-in “John from College Candy.” But please, do go and vote.

And what about this evening? You probably don’t have anything important to do while you watch poll results stream in, and “Nation’s First Black President” or “Nation’s First Woman Vice President” are both perfectly acceptable reasons to skip all your classes tomorrow. This means you should drink!

2008 United States Presidential Election Drinking Game

(As always, replace “chug” with “shot” if that’s how you roll.)

- Drink after you vote – you’ve earned it! (Not before, please.)

- Prepare red and blue drinks (Red – Sex on the Beach and… blue? I don’t know, straight Blue Curacao?) and drink from one or the other whenever a state gets called for the respective party.

- Chug every time a “swing state” (Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Colorado, Georgia) turns into a blowout for one side or the other.

- Drink every time Obama looks sassy and classy at his Chicago gala. Chug if he repeats his dance performance from his appearance on Ellen DeGeneres.

- Drink every time McCain gives anyone a thumbs-up or winks; chug if both.

- Drink any time anyone on the T.V. says “Joe;” chug if Sarah Palin says it.

- Drink whenever Tina Fey pops onto the TV, not including “30 Rock” commercials.

- Drink every time McCain styles himself an “underdog.”

- Drink every time Obama uses spiritual, religious or otherwise goofy metaphor to describe himself, his campaign or his supporters (“a mighty wind is at our backs,” for example).

- Drink every time a McCain supporter walks into the room (You’re on a college campus, they’re rare creatures)

- If you are a McCain supporter, chug whenever you get depressed about the election, which probably means “whenever results come in.” It’s going to be a long night for you, I’m afraid. You’ll probably want to forget the pain.

- If you’re an Obama supporter, meanwhile, drink and high-five someone every time you feel “pumped.”

- If you didn’t vote today, your punishment is drinking malt liquor alone in your room, a**hole.

- Drink every time a report of voter suppression rolls in. Ideally, you’re also drunk enough to stand up and start an angry chant about your god-damn f**king rights.

- Drink every time one of the candidates’ attack lawyers gets ready to sue.

- Drink every time a saccharine T.V. reporter gushes about the enormous passion of youth voters this year.

- Drink whenever someone cites the “Bradley effect” – or racism in general, for that matter.

- Drink every time you can give everyone a smarmy grin and say “Oh, yeah, I read about this on the Internet.”

- Finally, chug when we elect a new President of the United States of America! It’s history in the making – who wants to remember something like that?

With the advent of summer upon us, I decided it was high time I was no longer a sex on the beach virgin. I grabbed my manfriend (chuckle chuckle, Carrie Bradshaw) and headed to the shore.

It was a perfect night for just being at the beach, let alone hooking up. Full moon, light breeze and crashing waves. Very romance novel. So boyfriend and I wandered along the beach until we found a secluded(ish) spot.

When we got there, however, I found that I could have done with some good advice before embarking on this adventure. So for all you beach bunny virgins out there contemplating some sea-side action, here is what I wish my experienced girlfriends had told me:

Bring a Flashlight: Luckily for us, the moon was enormous and lit our way pretty well. I happen to be completely blind in the smallest amount of darkness, though, and was petrified of stepping on baby sea turtles. If it’s even semi-cloudy out, a small light should help you navigate.

Don’t forget the blanket! And make it a big one. For a girl who considers a hotel without room service roughing it, I felt surprisingly one with nature. This may have had to do with the stray grains of sand making themselves uncomfortable in my back/chest/butt/eyeballs. I also got considerably less kisses on my neck (my favorite!) because boyfriend kept coming up with mouthfuls of sand.

Consider bringing some “accessories”: The al fresco factor of beach boinking is definitely a plus. I felt so free (cheesy, I know); but while all that open air and exposure to the elements felt g-r-e-a-t when we were cooling off afterwards, it made things a little difficult to get going. Luckily, boyfriend thought ahead to bring lube. This also might help if you are nervous about being caught/ arrested for lewd behavior, leading to distraction. It’s always good to bring back up!

Get creative! Boyfriend luh-huvved the “versatility” it allowed him in positioning. This was a factor I hadn’t even considered, but he said that the consistency of the sand gave him a ton of freedom in his movement, and made everything newer and more comfortable. Next time we get the chance for some S on the B, I plan on capitalizing on my old sand castle building skills. Feel free to dig, mound and pile the sand under your blanket to create new positions– it’s like mother nature’s response to the liberator.

Enjoy the, um, scenery. Now I’m not suggesting you tune out your partner to listen to the breeze, or attempt to synchronize your orgasm with crashing waves (although that would be impressively symbolic), just appreciate the added element it adds to the act. The beach is so gorgeous at night and is practically tailor made for good good lovin’. So get out there and embrace your inner nature goddess; your lucky beach mate will thank you!

A: Sex on the beach. It’s the ultimate cliche of sexual fantasies for hopeless romantics everywhere, usually triggered by a movie scene complete with soft lighting and background music. For me, it was Chris Isaak that did it. Specifically, the sexy black-and-white video for his song, “Wicked Game,” featuring soft sand, crashing waves, and leggy supermodel Helena Christensen.

In reality, beach sex rarely includes a soundtrack, and a leggy supermodel is even harder to find. Instead you’re left with wind carrying sand into your eyes and wet particles creeping into your crevices. In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I’ve never actually had sex on a beach. I’m all for trying new things, but it never seemed to be worth the hassle or the worry that I would spend the next three months washing sand out of my crotch.

An informal survey of my friends only served to confirm what I already thought about beach sex — it’s overrated. Those that have dared to bare all and get busy shoreside agree that the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy. Before I came along, my boyfriend’s attempt came to a screeching halt when he got his hand wet and then placed it in the sand, rendering it useless.

Still want to give it a shot? The key is preparation, which, unfortunately, will kill any must-have-you-now spontaneity you were hoping for.

“There’s no such thing as a big enough blanket,” a friend warned me, attributing the success of her beach sex adventure to a zippered sleeping bag that kept out wind and sand.

Once you’ve packed your sleeping bag, dress for success. Like any attempt at public sex, there’s a chance you’ll get caught. The idea might sound hot now, but it won’t when there’s a cop shining a flashlight in your face as you’re struggling with your skinny jeans. Ladies, keep it simple and wear a dress and keep it on while you go at it.

If you think you’re safer from onlookers and sand in the junk by having sex in the water, you still need to be prepared. Oddly enough, the water won’t help with lubrication–in fact, it’ll dry you out, stopping the action dead in its tracks. A lube will help with that, but make sure it’s not oil-based. The oil (also found in sunscreens and tanning lotions) makes condoms more vulnerable to breakage.

And ladies, microbes and bacteria in the water makes you more susceptible to urinary tract infections and yeast infections–so think twice before you get down. If you’re not super into the idea, a week of pain, Vagisil, and cranberry juice just isn’t worth it.

Got a sex woe? In need of advice, tips, or how-tos? Send your questions to pillow.talk.cc@gmail.com and look out for an answer next week on CollegeCandy!