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Bah, humbug!

I know I should be listening to holiday tunes (which are only bearable if they’re sung by Lady Gaga) or baking cookies or something, but all I can think about right now is finals. It’s like being the one sober girl at the party: everyone around me is drunk on holiday cheer, but I’m going to be feeling pretty Scroogey until December 21 when I take my last exam and go home.

Sure, things could be worse. I could be as strung-out as Lindsay Lohan or as mentally anguished as this girl. I could be dealing with work crises in the real world—shudder—or forced to talk about sex with my parents. I could be the victim of sabotaged condoms, which might lead to something so scary I don’t even want to think about it.

Hm… actually, all of this worst-case scenario stuff is making me perk up. I’m starting to remember that there are plenty of fun ways to give my brain a rest whenever I have time to stop studying—I can start watching Jersey Shore, for one thing, and surfing the web to find gifts for everyone on my list. Maybe I shouldn’t let finals kill my holiday spirit after all.

Meet Elizabeth Adeney:  she’s a successful business woman in her mid-60s, working and living in Britain.  Ms. Adeney is a divorcee and well respected by her friends and associates, so one must ask, “What makes her special?”

Well folks, she’s preggers.  At 66, Elizabeth Adeney is set to be Britain’s oldest woman to give birth, beating the previous record holder by a whopping nine years.  Um, gross?

Stories like this are destined to send shivers down your spine and flash disturbing images of your mother and/or grandmother doing similar things before your eyes.  There are things that we just don’t want to see old (not older, old) ladies doing and getting knocked up is definitely one of them.

Here is a list of 10 more things that old ladies definitely SHOULDN’T be doing:

1.  Having Sex: Worse than just talking about sex, the fact that old ladies have sex is just plain awful.  Just think of the wrinkles and folds and floppiness…oh gawd.  Curse the day when pharmaceutical companies decided that it was okay for old people to get it on.  Curse it!

2.  Wearing Mini-Skirts (or any variation on that fashion): Hey, if you’ve got the legs, show ‘em off.  Just realize that they have an expiration date and it’s usually around the age of 40 (unless you’re one of the lovely ladies on Sex and the City).  Old ladies be warned.

3.  Talking About Sex: Nothing is worse than the moment your  mom sits you down to explain the “facts of life” to you.  Oh wait, unless it’s your grandmother or some other older lady…and she’s talking about her personal experiences. Welcome to way-past-the-point of blissful ignorance. Read More »