Dear Dudeness,

OK, so I need your help. My ex dumped me about 8 months ago saying that we needed space. I called BS and we didn’t talk after that. But yesterday we were talking, just catching up and I was secretly checking to see if he was with someone. Well he ended up inviting me to a party and so I went. We didn’t really talk at the party; he came up to me and said hi but I was really busy winning beer pong. Then me and my friends left to go get Taco Bell and when we got back he had left. He said earlier that he would come back for me if I needed a ride and I ended up needing one, of course, so he came and got me.

Long story short, we ended up in my room about to have sex and then he blurts out: “You were the only girl I ever loved.” Umm WTF? I told him it was just sex and that we didn’ need to discuss that right now (I was trying to not be clingy… did I get it right?) but then he told me that again later on. Why? He was the one to dump me and say we needed space. My ex broke my heart right in half and I don’t want to do the whole obsession thing of wondering what he meant, but why would he tell me that? It was almost awkward. Almost.

Anyways I’m totally rambling but I figured you would know what to tell me.

Thank you, dude!
Taylor

Dearest Taylor,

Last week I discussed the similarities of guys and dogs.  Same reasoning applies.  Dogs chase things because they love the thrill of the chase.  Guys chase girls for the same reason.  We may not even like a girl all that much, but if she responds to what we are doing, we will pursue like a bloodhound on the trail of an escaped convict.

Your fella is probably experiencing the phenomenon of “dump my girl and burn through as many chicks as possible letdown.”  This occurs when a guy is getting some very good responses from his main squeeze.  She falls for him, it boosts his ego, and he thinks he can do the same thing with any girl he wants.  But then reality kicks in and he realizes what worked for you isn’t working with the rest.  Cue crawling back and professing undying love.

Be careful with this one.  You could end up being the rebound girl to yourself.  Find out why exactly he dumped you in the first place.  If it was something about you, has it changed?  If not, then why would he feel any different the second time around?  If he wanted to test the old saying of other fish in the sea and cast his line into open waters, then I would imagine he wouldn’t be a good choice for a steady boyfriend.

– The Man, The Myth, The Dude

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

Got a question for the Tuffster? Email her at

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So I’m home from college for the summer and kind of lonely. I dated around this year at school but nothing serious like my high school boyfriend (let’s call him K). Anyway, K is home from school today and we’ve been hanging out but I know he wants to hook up and I think I do too. But I don’t want him to be my boyfriend when I go back to school. Should I hook up with him or not? I’m pretty sure I’m going to. Would that be screwed up?

Tricia

Dear Tricia,

So, like, this is a trick question because you’ve obviously already decided to hook up with him. Right? I mean, why are you gonna write to me and say you’re gonna do it then? Well, anyway, I think you should go for it, so I guess you’re in luck.

Here’re Tuffy’s thoughts:

You can hook up with anyone you want. Just don’t forget to use protection if any kind of sex (oral included, kids!) is gonna go down. But since you’re already emotionally involved with this guy (you DID date him in high school, after all), you’re gonna have to have a Talk.

Splain to him that you wanna hook up but he shouldn’t expect you to go back to how things were. You should also make it very clear that this is For-The-Summer-Only. Summer fling? Fun. Summer Fling That Turns Into Irritating Obligation: Not so much.

However, if you think you’re still going to be friends after all this, prognosis is bleak. Yeah, if you guys are both super well-adjusted AND both have exactly the same amount of no-feelings for each other, you might, just might, be fine. But chances are, history will repeat itself and one of you will have stronger feelings than the other. This happens to everyone, people. Very rarely do both people feel exactly the same way. Anyway, just so’s you know.

Basically, Tuffy sez go for it. But be aware of the probable consequences, okay? Plus, don’t underestimate male jealousy. That shiz just hits us time and time again.

And always use protection!!!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

So, I’m the queen of bad decision making. I probably shouldn’t embrace this to the degree that I do, but screw it; I think with my vagina sometimes and I love being spontaneous.

When my ex-boyfriend offered to buy me a plane ticket to go visit him for a few days, I knew exactly what was up. We’d had some sexy online conversations during the recent months (in fact, I even blogged about our sexy confrontations a few times before) and sex, after all, was what had kept us together (in my opinion) when we were dating. I accepted the offer, hopped on the plane and wrote the whole thing off as a vacation in my mind, even if nothing more happened.

But of course more did happen. Of course we had sex multiple times in multiple ways in multiple places. Of course we cuddled and reflected on days of old. Of course things felt the way they felt when we dated.

Yes, I know that everyone thinks this is a bad idea, but after having spent some time and thought on this recent voyage of mine, I believe ex-sex can be done, if you do it right. If you are considering it, don’t write it off just yet; I’ve got some tips for a successful trip down memory lane:

1. DON’T PUSH BUTTONS

Chances are, you and your ex know exactly how to push each others’ buttons. People you date tend to learn these kinds of things. I found my ex and I trying to make each other jealous (or angry) at every chance without any real explanation why. We were bickering like an old couple over matters as simple as which movie too watch. We know precisely how to get under each other’s skin, which wasn’t the best way to approach our new casual status.

2. SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE

Back when you two dated, sex was probably an expression of your love and/or appreciation for each other. That was back then. NOW, sex is an expression of…lust. Don’t confuse the kissing or cuddling for emotional attachment…you’ll just be setting yourself up for heartache.

3. DON’T DO ANYTHING YOU’LL REGRET

Just because you’ve done ‘everything’ with your ex before doesn’t mean that you’ll feel good about doing ‘everything’ with your ex now. Weigh out the situation and only do what you’re comfortable doing because, trust me, if anything can make you feel dirty in the world of sex, it’s doing more than you really want to do.

4. TRASH YOUR EXPECTATIONS

It can be hard to move someone in your mind from the ‘committed’ category to the ‘casual’ category. However, if you’re going to have healthy sex with your ex, you have to accept that you have no entitlement over him and you can’t expect anything more than basic respect.

5. DON’T CLING

You’ve already been down that road. Have exsex if you want, but don’t view it as an invitation to start texting or calling all of the time. And don’t expect for your relationship to necessarily merge back into dating, either.

Having sex with exes, I’ve found, can be really emotionally heavy. But I’m a self-destructive train wreck at times and I do it anyway. If you’re going to (also) do it anyway, keep these things in mind.

Brian and I broke up under relatively ridiculous terms. We were in the midst of a long distance relationship. A passionate one.

We both got wasted one night and in a fight via text message. And that led to a fight via telephone. And that led to me texting him: “We’re Over“. And then we were.

Like some sort of f*cked up magic trick, I pulled the ‘We’re over!’ card out of my black hat and POOF…our relationship went silent. On the morning after, I woke up so hungover that I didn’t really recall what had happened the night before..until I read my text messages. And apparently, he woke up in the same scenario. But neither one of us made the effort to fix the damage we had done. I think it was because we both knew deep down that we were not right for each other, anyway.

It’s with pain that I confess that Brian is one of the dumbest people I have ever met…let alone dated. But, like most dumb guys, he did have redeeming qualities. He was sweet to me. He actually made me feel like a girl; he made me feel loved. He was outgoing and always down for any adventure. And we LOVVVVVVEEEEDDDD getting stoned and screwing. It was like our sex brought us together in the sickest, but most satisfying way imaginable. He’s so well endowed that I can’t help but wonder: did god just put some of his brain in his dick?

Over the last year…we have slowly rekindled our friendship, a friendship that has remained a friendship. I have never thought even once about ever being emotionally involved with Brian again. I know now that he is a complete mismatch for me. However, a couple weeks ago…he comes out with THIS in the middle of an AIM conversation:

“Well…I would have sex with you again. I mean, I’m not going to ask you or anything..but it would be awesome”.

He continues on to tell me about how I’m the best sex he’s ever had.

He starts to recount memories of particularly awesome sexual encounters with each other.

He starts to send me pictures of his…um….you know.

He points out the fact that he’ll be in town very soon…

And…I can’t lie. All of this has got me thinking. We DID have great sex. Maybe the greatest. I DO feel as though we could do this exsex thing without risking ourselves emotionally–for once.

I’ll be seeing him this weekend. I feel awkward about it already. Will I dress hot and play hard to get and get off on the fact that he’ll be looking at me all night and thinking about me sexually? Or will I have a couple drinks and remind him of what the best sex he’s ever had in his life feels like?

To tell you the truth…I’m not really sure. But there will be a part two to this that will follow our much anticipated encounter…