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Casual sex is…well, rarely casual. More times than not it ends with frustration, regret and overuse of the word ‘asshole.’ And let’s be honest, the pissed-at-the-world scale generally tips towards the ladies. How is it that men appear more successful at ‘handling’ their casual relationships?

While some may argue that men have an easier time separating sex and emotion, I don’t believe that is the defining attribute. I think men are just better at picking their casual partners. When a guy says, “Oh, I would never be serious with this girl,” it’s because he means it. He doesn’t get emotional or attached because he chooses a girl he would never get attached to. Is casual sex possible for women? Absolutely. But if we want to enter the same playing field, we have to play by the same rules. Ladies, I give you the 10 Commandments of Casual Sex.

Let me be clear, this is not the 10 Commandments of Dating, and it is definitely not the 10 Commandments of Making Your Hook Up Buddy Your Boyfriend. If you allow yourself to enter a ‘casual relationship’ with the underlying motive to make it something more, 9 times out of 10 you will be disappointed with the outcome.

initiating the gallery...

Occasionally, despite my generally laissez-faire, non-judgmental attitude towards sex, there are a few things that perturb me. Rape, of course. Slut shaming. Abstinence-only sex education. And ignorance about contraception. One of the most disturbing manifestations of this that I’ve encountered are ladies who take the pill and have absolutely no idea what they’re putting into their bodies and how it works. Maybe it’s because the pill has become so normalized and routine, like popping Advil, so the complexity of it isn’t apparent, but I definitely feel that once you start playing with the hormones in your body, you need to know what’s up.

1. The pill tries to keep you free of pregnancy in four different ways.

It tries to stop an egg from leaving your ovary. Then, it makes your cervix produce more mucus so neither an egg or sperm can stick. The hormones also prevent the lining of your uterus (or potential womb) from getting thick enough for a fertilized egg to be viable. Finally, the pill manipulates the movement in your Fallopian tubes to prevent an egg from meeting a sperm in the first place. So, it’s a pretty complicated process, and every once in awhile, the pill fails to execute it properly, which is why most of us know, or know of, someone who has gotten pregnant while on the pill.

2. It loses effectiveness if you don’t take it at the same time every day.

One of the reasons the Pill is so popular is because it doesn’t affect your fertility in the long run, which means that if you’re not diligent about taking your pill daily, it does start losing its pregnancy protection magic. So pick a time that is most convenient for you, set an alarm on your cell, and pop it on the regular. If you do miss a pill, here are the guidelines for how to get back on track.

3. Your side effects aren’t going to be the same as your friend’s side effects.

Everyone’s body reacts differently to changes in the hormonal structure. Your skin may clear up while your friend’s looks like she just went back in time to 7th grade, or you may experience consistent spotting while someone else’s periods become non-existent. It’s perfectly normal to have to go through multiple pills to find one that best suits your body and your needs.

4. The pill does not protect against STDs. 

I would never deny that the pill has been a major game changer for women, especially in the way that we are able to have agency over our reproductive choices, and we don’t have to rely on men using condoms in order to stay baby-free. However, if you are getting it in with someone new, and you have no idea what their STD status is, please use a condom (correctly).

5. Your birth control shouldn’t make you miserable. 

Whether your appetite has been out of control and you’ve been gaining a bunch of weight, or your cramps are unbearable, or you’re spotting a lot in between periods, you don’t have to endure it. If your body hasn’t adjusted after 3 months, it’s time to look into a different option. Whether it’s another pill or an IUD or a Nuvaring, your contraception should not make your daily life uncomfortable at all.

[Image via Calek/Shutterstock]

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It’s a common comment made in romantic comedies. The longer you are in a relationship, the less you have sex. Turns out, according to a new study by researches at the University of Guelph in Ontario, women’s decreasing sex drive is to blame.

Yes, over time women lose interest in having sex. Men, on the other hand, don’t. Sarah Murray and Robin Milhausen surveyed 170 undergraduates (men and women) that had been in heterosexual relationships for at least one month. They asked participants to rank their relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction and sexual desire at the present point in their relationship. The researchers created a Female Sexual Function Index to rank desire from 1.2 to 6.0.

While most of the participants were satisfied with both their relationships and their sex lives, research showed the longer a women had been in a relationship, the less interest she had in getting it on. Sexual desire on the Index drops by 0.02 points each month. Though it is incremental, for people in long term relationships it does add up. Male sexual desire alternatively, remains steady throughout a relationship.

Researchers haven’t yet nailed the cause for the general decrease in desire among women. Some theories are that women’s attention turns towards raising children, decreasing their interest in sex. As they looked at university students, another theory emerged that younger women lose interest once the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship over. Yes, once a guy stops trying to impress a gal, she’s going to stop putting out.

The researchers hope that this information could help couples from losing the spark. They also found that women with realistic expectations about sex did not face the same decrease in desire.

So there you have it boys! If you want us ladies to keep getting it on with you, you might want to drop the whole “I’m going to blow your mind,” act and be realistic. Also, presents help.

Leah is in her final semester of her Bachelor of Journalism at Ryerson University in Toronto. She’s rounding out her degree as the Senior Online Editor for the Ryerson Review of Journalism. In her limited spare time she’s honing her cupcake making skills so she can one-day fulfill her dream of competing on Cupcake Wars. Follow her (and drool over her tasty treats) @ElleandBee.

[Image via altafulla/Shutterstock]

Our society’s discourse on sex in incredibly reckless.

From an American perspective, the rhetoric is either, “Sex is awesome, and if you’re not having it, your life fails to have any meaning” or “If you’re having sex, you’re a dirty heathen who deserves to burn in eternal damnation.” This is so dysfunctional, and I really feel it does more harm than good. Many of my columns have taken a very actively sex-positive slant, encouraging safe, consensual, fun, enjoyable sex — which of course I will forever support. However, sometimes I think it’s far more interesting to think about the reasons people abstain from sex.

As I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22, almost a year after I graduated from college. Many of my friends also remained virgins throughout their entire college tenure. None of us were prudes – we all enjoyed steamy makeout sessions and poor lapses in judgment just like our friends who were fully indulging in coitus. None of us were remotely religious, and we didn’t engage in slut shaming. There were definitely times in my college experience where, had I chosen to, I could have just done it and crossed “losing my virginity” off the list. And yet, I was never comfortable enough to go for it. I didn’t buy into the idea that losing my virginity was supposed to be a supremely remarkable experience, complete with fireworks, rose petals and dubious in-the-moment declarations of love. However, I knew that I wanted it to be with someone I placed a modicum of trust in, and more importantly, I wanted to be confident that I could make it through the experience unscathed and still comfortable with myself – after my first kiss, I was so anxious that I couldn’t even go to sleep that night. I was overwhelmed with nausea, I couldn’t stop shaking and I felt like I had given away a part of myself to someone who didn’t appreciate it. All of that was following only some kissing and boob action, so of course I was extremely hesitant to bring penetration into the mix. That hangup aside, I was pretty content doing almost anything that didn’t involve a P near my V or my A.

By my senior year of college, I was idly starting to worry. I mean, it seemed pretty strange to leave college still clinging to my virginity, and I was kind of concerned that guys in the future would pick up on my lack of experience and think I was damaged goods (no, I wasn’t evolved enough to realize that a guy like that is not someone I should be interested in banging anyway). I’m really glad I didn’t bow to any external or internal pressure to swipe my v-card just to get it over with, but it worries me to think of how many women (and men) end up having sex way before they’re ready just because of some arbitrary social expectation that they should. Yes, sex is a great thing, but it is also incredibly personal. We all (to be totally cheeseball) blossom at different times, and I wish that virginity wasn’t as stigmatized as it is. Some people are pretty content with being virgins while still leading enjoyable, fun, robust lives (intimate and otherwise), so can we put a moratorium on policing other people’s sexy times?

[Image via Kamira/Shutterstock]

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