It’s been a long night. The only thing on your mind is throwing the 12 decorative pillows (that your mom insisted you buy) off your big comfy bed and burying yourself under that warm, fluffy blanket.

You fight to keep your eyes open as you take the elevator up to your room. As you round the corner and get closer to your room you grow more excited to kick off your shoes, peel those skinny jeans off your legs (you swear they weren’t this tight when you bought them…) and take a one way ticket to Snoozetown.

And then you see it. Scribbled on the dry erase board tacked to your door: come back later.

The writing is messy, but the message is loud and clear. Your roommate’s got a boy in there and you are not welcome.

Angry, you stand there for a few moments taking it all in. It’s late on a weeknight. Everyone else is already asleep. And how long have they been in there?  Where the hell are you supposed to go? When can you come back?

You scan the hallway. Yup, everyone’s doors are closed and the hall is quiet. You are going to have to find somewhere else to pass the time. You take the elevator back down to the study room on your dorm’s main floor. You’re exhausted, but you decide you’ll do a bit more reading and try the room again in a half hour.

When you walk in you find another student in there reading on a couch. Read More »

It’s October now, which means that there’s basically only one thing to talk about for the next 29 days: Halloween. (I had a conversation with a friend yesterday in which he revealed to me that he plans to dress up as a sexy Ghostbuster on the big night. That’s right—he.)

But All Hallow’s Eve isn’t just about costumes and candy—there’s been a lot of seriously scary stuff happening this week. And yes, technically it was the last week of September and only the first few days of October… but just go with my metaphor. Among the frightening things we’ve written about in the past seven days:

- Spencer and Heidi are buying a house together, probably so that they’ll have a place to raise a litter of devil-spawn with flesh-colored beards and fake boobs.

- Speaking of fake boobs, girls from “Rock of Love Bus” make $1,500 just for showing up at parties.

- The length of the school year might get extended. I’m shuddering just thinking about it.

- In my three-plus years of college, I’ve probably had every single one of these awful professors.

- The scary smart kids at Caltech and MIT, who might accidentally kill us all with a wacky prank gone wrong…

- … unless they all get Type Geek Diabetes first.

- Tufts outlawing having sex while your roommate’s in your room, which isn’t scary in itself but will lead to some seriously horrifying conversations between Tufts students and their parents.

- Guys who do nothing but eat chicken nuggets while watching football, playing poker, and quoting “Old School.”

- Going through the nail-biting experience of wondering if he, like, likes you likes you.

- Everything about this post, which makes me want to vomit in terror.

- And most frightening of all: you only have three more days to win a laptop from CC!

Colleges are like miniature civilizations. Many universities have very similar mannerisms, cultures and, of course, vernacular.

If you want to converse or understand what is goin’ on around you, you are going to need to learn the language. Here are some words you should get used to hearing and using for the next 4 (or more) years.

Sexile- The act of being forced to leave your dorm so your roommate can engage in a hookup/sex.

Dormcest/ Dorm Whore- When one becomes romantically/sexually involved with a student occupying the same residence hall or floor.(Note: This is some many college goers do NOT recommend, so date at your own risk)

Walk of Shame- A little trip one takes from the site of a hook-up back to their own place. This is usually done at an ungodly hour while clothes that looked cute the night before but are now wrinkled and smell like a mix of spilled PBR and Axe. Also known as Shame Walk or Sex Walk

Kegger- A party that features a keg. Unless this party is greek-endorsed, expect to pay money to get in.

PJ (Party Juice)- An alcoholic juice that can be made with various types of liquors, sodas and juices. Make sure to ask what’s in the juice before sipping, because some people like to make their pj strong (read: a whole fifth of Everclear). Also known as Jungle Juice. Read More »

The dorm. The 18×10 space you are crammed into with another girl, who may or may not be a complete stranger, depending on your housing situation. It’s hard enough to keep your notebooks and gym clothes on “your” side of the room when it’s just the two of you…try throwing a relationship into the picture.

Suddenly, you and your roommate are juggling class schedules, study time, piles of laundry, the remote control, and trying to throw intimate time with a guy into the mix. It can be rough, but it can be done. You just need to remain respectful of your roommate, and follow some simple steps to sexile (and be sexiled) without spitefully poking pinholes in each other’s condoms.

1. Have “The Talk.”

Tell your roommate what’s going on. If you move in, and you’re already in a relationship, be honest. Tell her your boyfriend will be coming up one weekend a month, and ask if you can arrange some private time in the room. If you’re single but have a prospect, tell your roommate that you have a date on Friday and ask if she has plans, just in case.

Do not get separated at a party and call your roommate at 3 a.m. to tell her you’re already stumbling home with a boy in tow. Read More »