There are a lot of things about sex that invoke a lot of judgment and pearl-clutching – sex before marriage, promiscuity, STDs, porn, fetishes…and sexting. Maybe this is only my perception, but it seems like sexting is something that people get extremely riled up about. Particularly when sexting goes public. Whether it’s on a monumental scale (see: Kim Kardashian’s entire public career) or a relatively minor one, when sexts get leaked, inevitably there’s a backlash that generally includes some slut shaming and victim-blaming.

Sexting, to me, is part of a natural progression of 21st century flirting and f*cking. Shooting off a text or a photo is an easy way to flirt, add some spice, maintain the sexual aspect of a long distance relationship, and strengthen the sexual bond between two people. There’s nothing intrinsically immoral or offensive about it – it’s just a digital copy of things that people normally do in person. Which basically describes the entire Internet in a nutshell. And yet, for some reason, the act of sexting seems to induce a lot of moral judgment.

Most anyone who sexts operates under at least two assumptions — that both parties consent and are interested, and that no one but the intended recipient is going to be privy to the text/photo/video/etc.  It’s a basic social contract (much like the rules of feminism) So if, for example, you send a gentleman a suggestive photo of yourself, things go sour between you two, and he proceeds to distribute this photo to anyone and everyone, under no circumstance is this ever your fault. Yes, sexting is a risk. Creating a paper trail of sexual conduct can have negative consequences. But so can drinking, walking across the street, driving a car, flying, and basically anything that involves existing as a living being in this world. Of course, it is always important to not trust just any random person you meet and indulge in some cynicism, but part of the appeal of  sex is being vulnerable with someone else. It’s completely unproductive, not to mention totally misguided, to shift the blame from the perpetrator to the victim.

I have been lucky in that none of the scandalous photos I’ve ever sent to gentlemen callers were ever, as far as I know, disseminated without my knowledge, but it is a very real consequence of our digital age. I have many friends who have shared the penis photos they’ve gotten from guys, and while on a voyeuristic level, it’s intriguing, at the end of the day, it’s pretty morally suspect.  Our society definitely encourages oversharing, but for the sake of our collective dignity, we have to have boundaries in place.

Kristen Stewart almost looks like she has an expression on this month’s cover of Glamour. I don’t know how to feel about this. Sullen works for her, but I can’t begrudge her any attempts to look happy or engaged.

This month’s issue is pretty inoffensive. There was a strong emphasis on health, which I appreciate. And I was reminded that Mercury retrograde falls over Thanksgiving this year, so I’m already mentally preparing for a hot mess holiday of ridiculous proportions. Even the relationship section was less horrific than usual. There was an articled on “How to be a Man-Magnet” that had some good pieces of advice (don’t insult other women, be proud of your ambitions, don’t expect every guy to be marriage material…), though some gems were a little less constructive.

Glamour says: Be easygoing
Jasmine says: Easygoing is a character trait, not something you can just will yourself to do. Some of us are a little more intense than others, and that can be just as attractive as being the girl with NP cares in the world.

Glamour says: Don’t dress for girls.
Jasmine says: Dress however you want. Whether you feel most confident in a bandage dress and five inch stilettos or a maxi dress and mocassins, do you. Guys would have us all walking around in jeans and a t-shirt, which, while classic, is kind of snoozeworthy.

Glamour says: No bitching.
Jasmine says: Isn’t one of the joys of being an adult bonding with other adults about things that suck?

Glamour says: Perfect the art of sexting.
Jasmine says: Sexting is mad overrated. I enjoy a sexy text as much as the next person, but it is not the end-all and be-all of flirting.

Our society places the burden of “performing” sexiness on women.  There are endless products designed to enhance our aesthetic and make us more alluring – from cosmetics to fashion to the most popular ladies magazines, we are constantly bombarded with messages and images that emphasize the significance of being sexy. This, of course, influences our intimate relationships (in a heterosexual context), because men are also exposed to the idea that women should make being attractive to men a top priority.  I think, either consciously or subconsciously, they expect us to always put in effort to be sexy, that we should be the ones to be super flirty, dress in ways that are pleasing to the male gaze and be the ones who spice up the relationship. I know that men are also under pressure to conform to society’s ideas of masculinity, that they are under pressure to achieve certain body types, exhibit certain personality traits and generally be considered sexually attractive. But, the pressure seems to be a lot less  and men definitely have more freedom to be unconventional.

I’ve also noticed that the task of “spicing up” equates to more experimentation and the need to be a vibrant sex goddess for our lovers. I know that in my own experience, I find myself constantly thinking of ways to improve my sex life. Even though I’m content, and I know my boyfriend is content, I am always looking for ways to surprise him (ie: what new and exciting place can I give him a BJ?). I choreograph strip teases, write him erotic stories, strategically pick out sexy underwear, surprise sext him, work on my flexibility, and also engage in a few sexy acts that I derive absolutely no enjoyment from (tit-f*cking is the worst, oh god). I know that he also does things to be sexy for me too, but I have definitely internalized a lot of unnecessary baggage.

Returning to my lead anecdote, I actually ended up asking my friend’s boyfriend about his views on female sexuality, and he had a really laid-back perspective and didn’t at all seem to place any unreasonable expectations on his girlfriend. When I asked why he hasn’t sent her scandalous photos yet. His response? “Guys can’t do it like girls can.” So there is also this idea out there that guys can’t even truly be visually sexy. I know a lot of girls who think shirtless guys are cheeseball, laugh at penis pics and generally don’t take the idea of guys trying to be sexy seriously. Which reinforces how deeply the sexualization of women’s bodies are, and how not sexualized men’s bodies are. It’s not like I have a solution for this, since I happen to love shirtless men and beautiful cocks.

What I do know is that, for the most part, I am pretty good about drawing my own boundaries. I generally don’t compromise myself or my values for the sake of being sexy. I know that I’m not going to look like a Maxim cover girl all the time (or ever). I am not always going to want to have sex, or give blowjobs, or do anything other than sit on my couch, eat Cheetos, and watch Gilmore Girls. And that I don’t have to do anything truly out of my comfort zone to please my boyfriend, and you shouldn’t feel compelled to either.

My first kiss
I was 19. I was at a party with a whole bunch of lesbians and one straight guy. After a few drinks, he found me appealing enough to kiss, and well, it was late enough in the evening that he had started looking like Justin Timberlake to me, so we started kissing. By this point, the party had wound down and we were the only ones still in the living room. In the process of making out, my dress and bra came off, and my first kiss went from G to PG-13/R with a quickness. After it was over, I was emotionally perturbed and anxious about the not-so-romantic way in which everything had occurred, and things were compounded the next morning, when I found out that we were in fact not alone in the living room…and that the witness to my shenanigans? Was a 15 year old boy (someone’s little brother had tagged along…so appropriate). While I’m certainly somewhat of an exhibitionist now, I certainly wasn’t back then, and I still get queasy about the fact that a strange child was 10 feet away at the very beginning of my deflowering process.

My first FWB.
He was a decade older than me. He was an ex-coworker’s ex boyfriend, which was kind of sticky in and of itself. And, I found out later, he was dating other people the entire time we were hooking up. Um, I’d like to at least actively consent to being the side ho, thank you very much.

That time I sobbed during sex.
This was less than a year ago. I was visiting my family for a week for Thanksgiving, which was stressful in and of itself. And I was majorly bummed about being separated from my boo (trust me, I felt sufficiently embarrassed/ashamed/pathetic). So we were having goodbye nookie, and I couldn’t hold it together and started bawling. One of those extremely ugly, but super cathartic cries. While he was still inside me. I feel like I’m often teetering on the brink of sanity, but that moment…I was feeling very girl, interrupted.

That summer I had an online fling with a dude from Craigslist.
I had moved to Washington, D.C. for a summer internship. It was towards the end of the summer and all of my friends were gone, and I was extremely lonely. Naturally, I turned to Craigslist, and really did had every intention of keeping things platonic with anyone I chatted with (my naivete is absolutely stunning at times, I swear). This guy emailed me, and he seemed totally normal at first…until he started talking about erotic asphyxiation. Yes, he got aroused by the thought of being choked and choking women. I was morbidly intrigued, and for several weeks, we sexted. Luckily, I always rebuffed his invitations to meet in real life, and I’m comforted by the fact that I never told him my last name, but I admit, I was a hot, vulnerable mess for awhile and that really could have gotten me into trouble.

Am I going to regret not writing this anonymously? It’s very possible. But I’m a huge proponent of talking about sex comprehensively – the good stuff, the bad, the scary, the erotic, the complicated…and the humiliating.

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Attention all men: I don’t want to see a picture of your cock.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I am not a fan.  I appreciate its ability, stamina, even its appearance in small doses, but you are not going to turn me on by getting out your iPhone and sending me a picture of it. I don’t care how big it is or that it was just shaven. It’s just not going to work for me…or make that for most women.

After several incidents in the news about men sexting pictures of their shlongs (read: democratic congressman Anthony Weiner, rap-artist Kanye West and football star Brett Favre), Tracy Clark-Flory, a writer for Salon Magazine, conducted a short Twitter-based survey about women’s reactions to X-rated digital images. When she asked if cock-shots “do it” for any women, she was quickly met with responses like, “If by ‘do it’ you mean ‘send me to the toilet retching,’ then yes, they do,” and “Not at all. The penis is ugly. End of story.” Unsurprisingly, she concluded that the penis is one of the last male body parts that women want to actually see and that digital photos of male-members were often met with signs of repulsion. Although some women admitted to actually liking these risqué photos, one quickly cautioned that digital dicks should never be a sexting opener or a sharing device between uncommitted couples.

Tracy Clark-Flory infers that cock-shots were a lot like porn and blowjobs.  She concludes that some women love them, some hate them and that opinions are often extreme on either end. However, regardless of the strong opposing opinion, many men take a shot (pun intended) and send out a picture of their crotch. It is not just congressmen and celebrities that are fond of this form of sexting.  In fact, you don’t need to go any farther than Chat-Roulette to know that men love this type of digital flirtation.

Cindy Meston, co-author of Why Women Have Sex, believes that men do this because the reverse works for them. When women send them scandalous photos of their breasts or butt (note: rarely their va-jay-jays), it triggers “availability – an explicit, immediate sexual cue, which turns them on.” Cognitive neuroscientist, Ogi Ogas agrees with the concept of evolutionary sexual cues. As mentioned by Tracy Clark-Flory, Ogi Ogas says, “Men who send off penis pictures probably aren’t thinking at all, they’re responding to an unconscious, evolutionary urge likely inherited from our primate ancestors: male monkeys and apes routinely display their penises (usually erect) to females to indicate sexual interest.” Ogas points out that when men search for Internet porn, they look up “penises” nearly as often as “vaginas.” This may have something to do with the sexualized nature attributed to the member or the cultural significance of a “big dick.”

Regardless of the reason, we can easily infer that men are fascinated by their penises and may actually love them more than we do. If only we can get them to stop proving it to us. We get it, okay?

What do you think? Is there no such thing as a pretty penis? Do crotch-shots turn you on or would you rather wait ’til the bedroom for the explicit view? Sound off in comments and let me know!

Foreplay doesn’t necessarily have to be a means to an end – what it aims to do is get you and your partner in a sexually charged mood, which in and of itself is incredibly enjoyable. There are so many ways to integrate foreplay into your sexy times. Some of my favorites include:

Sexting.
I know there are tons of horror stories of sexting gone terribly awry – private texts/photos being spread around without your consent, accidentally sexting your parents/exes/bosses, the fact that 12-year-olds engage in it…sexting has cultivated a grotesque reputation, to say the least. But as long as you have a trustworthy partner (and you double-check the recipient box on your phone), sexting is an awesome way to create intimacy and arousal, especially if you plan on getting it on later in the day. Talk about things you can’t wait to do with/to your partner, describe fantasies, even send nudies if you are so inclined (without your face, always).

Making out.
Sometimes it seems like once you’re sexually active, the only thing on the menu is sex. But there is something to be said about some old-school kissing/groping, including putting up the same boundaries you used to (like no crotch contact…at least temporarily). It mentally takes you back to those days when hooking up filled you with butterflies and anticipation of where it lead, which is undeniably hot.

Putting on a show.
Bust out that lingerie, or your favorite t-shirt/panties combo, choose a song that makes you feel gorgeous, and strut your stuff for your boo. I know it could be awkward or uncomfortable, but ultimately, confidence is the only thing you need. As long as you are relaxed and enjoying yourself, you are going to look amazing. Embracing your inner burlesque goddess will give you a sense of control and power. That look of pure lust and awe your partner will inevitably give you will make you feel like you can rule the world. (Who runs the world? Girls.)

Slowing it down.
Sometimes we get into this frenzied frantic rush to get it in and get off. While I appreciate a quality quickie as much as anyone else, one of the most sensual moments in the world is when both you and your partner never want this moment to end, and you’re dedicated to savoring every piece of each other. Spend more time on oral sex, stop the action and give each other massages, take the time to just breathe each other in.

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