[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

What do guys really think of sex on the first date? Is it a deal breaker? I feel like if you have a genuine connection with someone, and the sex is awesome, shouldn’t that make them want you more? Or does it completely take the fun out of the chase? I’ve had one long term relationship start out of sex on the first date. I’ve had other guys never call me again. What’s the deal?

Sincerely,

Screwed then screwed!

Dear Screwed then screwed!

Here’s the deal: I’ve never known of a man who found sex to be a deal breaker on the first date. If anything, it’s considered a minor miracle from the Heavens, and for some d-bags out there it’s an expectation, which kind of clarifies why I’m calling them d-bags.

There’s a lot more to the chase than just having sex. Don’t get me wrong, it can certainly enhance the chase. However! There are so many ways to have sex and in so many places, and some could argue getting a taste and then not getting the meal is even more enticing. I think it’s a guy to guy situation.

Do men respect women less if they can get laid on the first date? Maybe some. Is sex all a guy wants? Possibly. It’s certainly one of the things he’s thinking about over tortellini. There are other thoughts, like if his hair’s doing that cow lick thing or if he mentioned his love for animals enough…and your breasts, which doesn’t count as thinking about sex, it’s just something we think about that LEADS us to thinking about sex. Sorry, that clarification had to be made!

Your track record’s a spotty one with having sex on a first date, and if it’ll lead to more or less. My question is, what are you looking for on the first date? Are you having sex because you think he wants it or because you want it? If you’re doing it for you then, “Have at thee!” As Thor would put it. If you’re doing it because you’re trying to ensure a second date, then I would recommend trying to hold off and make it a 2, or the classic 3, date rule. Just don’t pull a Robin Scherbatzky and change your mind mid-date and think you need to shave your legs. The first time, if we’re focusing on what’s on your legs rather than what we’re doing in between them…there’s no picket fence in the future.

Be careful about looking for logic when asking the question “to f*ck or not to f*ck?” These aren’t logical actions, they’re primal. Awesome sex doesn’t mean you have an emotional connection yet. It means you could. It also might mean you just have sexual chemistry, or you were really horny. Generally assuming that if the sex is awesome, then he’d want to come back for seconds is illogical. It’s just not always reality. Remember, you’re looking at it through your eyes, and you can’t be certain how he’s looking at it through his.

The bottom line is this: If you’re not getting the results you want with the way you’ve been going about trying to get them, then it’s time to change things up. Change your policy or change the type of guy you’re going out with. The issue’s at the source either way.

Keep calm, and don’t blink!

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

I want to save my virginity until I’m married. But I’ve heard that there are people out there who don’t mesh well in the bedroom. Is it a possibility that on my wedding night I’ll find out that I’ve pledged my life to someone who will never be able to satisfy me, and I’ll never be able to satisfy him? Surely you can tell someone’s… Ahem… “Style” just by heavy make-out sessions and by talking about sexual fantasies and such? How much of a bet would I be taking just hoping that I will enjoy having sex with my future husband for the rest of my life?

Thanks Dude,

Seal is Unbroken

Dear Seal is Unbroken,

I think the bet you’re talking about taking is one that everyone who commits themselves to a partner has to take. And it’s a pretty big bet.

Sex isn’t the only component in the glue that holds a relationship together, but it’s an important ingredient nonetheless. Sexual chemistry is a must for a successful, long-term relationship. It is. Period. Pretend it isn’t, at some point, it’s going to bite you in the…well, pick the part of the body you think it’d hurt worse. But here’s the beauty about sexual chemistry, and something that should make you feel better about your situation– it can be brewed!

True, there’s a basic level of sexual chemistry that you’ll need to have. It sounds like you’ve got a bit of that already. What makes sex great, and makes it better in the long-run, is that you learn each others’ likes and dislikes. The more intimate you become, the further you can explore each others’ fantasies, and the more permission you will get to push the boundaries even further. That’s what makes great sexual chemistry: PRACTICE! Lots and lots of sex. Lots of trying new things. Lots of telling each other what you like, when you like it, how you like it, WHERE you like it. That’s all part of how a relationship grows–two people creating their own private sexual vocabulary. That’s a crucial step in deepening the connection you two have.

Will the sex always be perfect? No. There are going to be nights when you’ll be in the mood, but he won’t and vice versa. There will be some nights where you have the mindset of “You do me, I do you, and then we’ll go to sleep, because I’m freaking tired.” And those nights are okay, too. Not only that, but the frequency at which you’re going to have sex is going to go in cycles, because your lives together are going to be more than just about what you do under the covers.

Yes, sexual chemistry’s important. Yes, it can be mutually learned (to an extent). There are books, workshops, classes, and an entire industry devoted to helping couples continue to develop their sex lives. But on the basic level, the kind of “sneak previews” you’re talking about are a good indication that you two will be sexually compatible, and that with the kind of work that all couples put into it, you can have a very fulfilling sex life for years…now a very fulfilling marriage, that’s another question.

Don’t forget the safety goggles,

The Dude

Hey Dude,

I moved to a new city not too long ago after graduating college. I met a boy immediately after getting here and we really hit it off. That same week, we ended up fooling around pretty heavily, but when I admitted I was a virgin, he started to back away. He contacted me frequently via phone, but we never really got together again — that is, until this past week. We don’t have anything really in common, but we both have the same kissing/sexual style and it just really works for us. However, I’m not about to lose my virginity to him just because we’re good in bed together otherwise. I don’t want to break it off either because I really enjoy our time together. I know that I’m just using him because he’s really good at what I like to do, but I know eventually he wants more. He’s even admitted to doing this for the same reasons I am, only that he also wants to have sex. Am I allowed to keep this going until it gets to that point, or am I just using him? He’s using me, too, so it’s all fair, right?

Love,

Virgin just looking for fun

Dear Virgin just looking for fun,

I was once accused of using a girl for sex. Then I pointed out we weren’t having any…and that she was initiating. The whole thing ended more amicably than you might think. Regardless, the moral is that when it comes to having a relationship for the sex, the waters can (though, not always) get murky pretty fast.

I have to say that I love the lines of communication being this open between you two. That’s a good place to start. He wants what you want. Except he wants a bit more than you want to give. And that’s really where the problem comes into play and that’s not a problem that’s going to go away. It will fester. It will grow. It will become really unappealing and probably end things, possibly in an ugly vein. Onto the bigger concept of using people for sex…

You know what you need in common to have a relationship? This: “I want to f*ck you.” “I want to f*ck you, too!” Cue the clip of a train going through the tunnel followed by fireworks exploding. 99% of relationships are based on physical attraction. Don’t get me wrong, the attraction can be aided by an emotional connection or intellectual stimulation, or any number of other things. But if the physical’s missing, forget it. Cynical? Maybe. True? Depends on how much you want to admit to yourself.

A lot of relationships are physically based and physically sustained. You get something out of it and he gets something out of it. So, they have a shorter shelf life or they require some serious boundaries to continue for years. What’s the harm? None. Until one of you gets tired, bored or wants more. Of course using someone for sex isn’t “nice” and is considered morally “unethical.” Does it happen anyway? OH, HELL YEAH! Does that make it right? No…shucks (maybe it does and we’re just an evolved enough society?). But right or wrong doesn’t change the fact such things do exist. Sometimes something more grows out of them and often times the relationships fizzle out when one or both realize there’s nothing supporting them but orgasms.

It all comes back to having that one thing in common. Right now, you do and you don’t. You want to keep hooking up, minus the actual act of vaginal intercourse. He wants to “stick it in you” (just imagine that line said by John Malkovich with a Russian accent, delicious). You’ve reached an impasse. I wouldn’t break it off because you’re just using him for hooking up. I would break it off because you’ve reached as far as you can go down this road together. But hey, drag it out guilt-free if you want. No reason not to, but you can expect a lot more messiness the longer it does go on.

Relationships, even physical ones, evolve into more than what they begin as. You take it to the next level, then to the level after that, and then the level after that until you reach the level where it becomes absolutely necessary for you to leave! Sounds like you’re almost there.

“I’ll have what she’s having,”

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Let’s all just admit it: bad sexual chemistry makes a bad relationship.

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The tease, in my opinion, may very well be the purest form of foreplay.

So why not participate in some online foreplay? Everything else these days is online. You trust your bank account online. Your private emails. Your social security number. So why not your sexy legs?

I’m not saying that you need to go off and buy a “(your name)inherunderwear.com” domain. However, if you’ve got an appetite at all for building on sexual chemistry between yourself and someone else, why not restructure your approach to the traditional tease? Lets face it: nothing else is traditional anymore, so this doesn’t need to be, either.

Far too many girls, in my opinion, really need to sort out their bunched up panties over matters like this.

DEAR GIRLS WHO ARE AFRAID OF SENDING YOUR DESIRED OTHER SEXY PICTURES OVER THE INTERNET:

You have boobs. You’ve got a vagina. You’ve got an ass. And so does every other girl in the whole wide world. Considering the fact that so many girls in the whole wide world are naked on the world wide web, believe me when I say that you won’t be making headlines IF your pictures ever “get out”. And that’s just an IF.

Don’t get me wrong…being a good Catholic girl can be hot. But ACTING like a good Catholic girl and then surprising your potential or current lover with naughty pictures is even hotter. The internet is making everything easier…and that includes foreplay. So why forgo a prime opportunity to make someone’s morning at the office just a teeny bit sexually frustrating?

It’s only a click away.

I met his guy awhile ago, and we’ve hung out a couple of times with friends, but we just recently went on a “real” date. We slept together after that first date, but I like him, so now I’m afraid I’ve screwed up. Is it really that bad to have sex on the first date?

It’s not bad, but if you’re going to make some intentional decisions to get off on the right foot, then sleeping with someone on the first date isn’t one of them. Yes, even if the chemistry is that good. Flaubert (old French author) believed that anticipation is the purest form of pleasure – and the most reliable.

In the final chapter of the Sentimental Education, he writes about two old friends sitting around remembering the best thing that never happened to them. Flaubert said the things that happen to you invariably disappoint, the things that never happen would never dim, never fade. We’ll always remember them fondly.

So, put off the sex as long as you want. Not only will the anticipation make him want you that much more, but it will be a form of pleasure all it’s own. Not to mention you’ll make Flaubert a very proud man.