So, in between endless reruns of A-List and RuPaul’s Drag Race, LOGO airs a gem called Bad Sex. Ten people with varying levels of sexual dysfunction all seek help, but unlike most other “tough love” type reality shows, the person from whom they’re receiving therapy is a) sex positive and b) a certified sex therapist. Last week, I had the opportunity to interview Chris Donaghue, star of Bad Sex, and ask him about some of the sexual dysfunctions featured on the show.

CC: What is the premise of Bad Sex?
CD: It’s an exploration of the sex lives of 10 different participants, ranging from every gender, every sexual orientation, every age group. Bi, gay, straight, questioning. From sex addiction to sexual anorexia, love addiction and coming out stories. It’s not a gay show. There are only 2-3 people who are gay. It’s the kind of show that can tap into the heterosexual.

CC: How do you approach your patients?
CD: I’m not gentle, but I’m not penalizing.  You have to oscillate. It’s important to hold these people accountable to some of their bad behavior, but then you have to show up with empathy, and be loving and care-taking around more vulnerable patients.

CC: How do you identify a sex addiction?
CD: We’re at a time — culturally, socially, psychologically — where everyone is wanting to identify out of the norm and classify hypersexual behavior as a sex addiction. It’s kind of shaming some people’s sexuality. You can be hypersexual without it being addiction. Addiction is not about quantity. There’s no magic number. Everyone has an individual comfort level. It’s about the outcome. If your sex life is creating problems in your daily life, it’s a problem. If your sex life is creating shame and guilt, it’s a problem. If it’s impairing, it’s a problem. If you’re feeling confident and there are no negative consequences, it’s great. But, especially for women who enjoy sex, they may be labeled a slut. If you acknowledge that you love sex, and know you’ll be called a slut, you’re not going to carry around protection for fear of being labeled and you’re setting yourself up for negative consequences. The word “slut” needs to be eradicated.

CC: On the flip side, what is sexual anorexia? 
CD: Instead of acting out sexually, it’s a fear and avoidance and discomfort and rejection of sex.  It mirrors food anorexia. Sex anorexics don’t want to consume or talk about sex. There is a difference between a sexual anorexic and a late bloomer. A late bloomer is someone who holds off on sex, but they’re confident in their choice and they can own it and talk about it. Sexual anorexics have anxiety — they don’t want to think about it. It is usually born out of trauma.

CC: What is the most common sexual dysfunction?
CD: If I’m working with couples, disparate sexual desire — one partner wants sex way more than the other. Also, love and sex addiction, which is usually encouraged by the internet in that it is always accessible and confidential. Women and men are cheating online via webcams and sexting. It’s becoming compulsive and impulsive. They get caught up in it to the detriment of a healthy sex life.

CC: How does that happen?
CC: Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. Sex became more attractive as a way to cope or check out. Their sex isn’t wholesome, healing or pleasure based. They have shame and guilt. They’re not having happy relationships. It happens when people get into a relationship, and they can’t handle another level of intimacy, so they get it taken care of out of the relationship. More men are sex addicts, more women are love addicts — obsessively reading romance novels, watching certain tv shows, starting online relationships, their whole life shrinks to one addiction.

CC: What role does self-esteem play in sexual dysfunction?
CD: Self-esteem is the basis of everything. It’s at the core. Getting more self-esteem is how you start to raise the bar and demand better, and don’t allow unhealthy behaviors or addictions.

CC: How do you start re-building self-esteem?
CD: Isolating problematic behaviors. Take a break and recover. Restructure life. Building a nurturing social circle. Engaging in romantic relationships that feel wholesome or nurturing. Finding a purpose in life.

CC: What is the neurology of sex?
CD: Everything that happens has a neurological aspect. Every change in our behavior creates a change in our brain. Love addiction or sexual anorexia reshapes your brain and you set up your brain to not welcome a relationship or it wants constant stimulation. You have to rewire your brain through changing your behavior.

CC: Why is our culture so sex-negative.
CD: We use words that show/imply embarrassment. We don’t say vagina, we say “down there.” I’m a fan of correct language. It’s okay to talk about sex and sexuality. Get the words out there so people don’t shudder. There’s so much shame in our bodies and our sexuality. Our culture, religion and education dump our issues on us and they teach us which words to use. Using “slut” and “down there,” I have to stop and say “do you mean…?” and don’t shame them.

CC: How do you communicate effectively?
CD: A lot of couples operate from a place of mind-reading. If sex isn’t feeling good or you’re interested in trying other things, tell them. It’s about getting comfortable having a conversation. At first your partner might be awkward, but you have to do it. Coming out is scary and it isn’t just for gay people. You come out over and over again, because your sex life might change. You have to work to express the range of your sexuality. Vocalizing how you feel.  Relax and allow yourself to receive. It’s okay to be self-absorbed. Sex challenges our body esteem. Get comfortable with your body and what it looks like and feels like.

Are you totally obsessed with him yet? A guy on TV promoting healthy, positive, non slut-shamey attitudes toward sex? I am! Catch Bad Sex on LOGO Fridays at 9:00pm. You can also stream the episodes at logotv.com!

Questionpantses for Tuffaleh?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for possible answerpantses.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of one and a half years, and I’ve been beating myself up ever since. The first half of our relationship was blissful – we were like best friends, had tons of fun together and he treated me like a queen. Even though it was a long-distance relationship, we made it work with frequent visits, and having him in my life eased my transition into college.

But about halfway through our relationship, I began to think about my long-term desires, and realized I was unhappy. I consider myself to be very fortunate to have had access to private education for most of my life, but my boyfriend was not so fortunate. He dropped out of high school (but got his GED) and failed out of college, and hasn’t been able to find a job for months (he is 22). Furthermore, I felt as though he could not hold a conversation on the intellectual level that I would like, and to top it off, his persistent erectile dysfunction (which has plagued us since the first time we had sex) was giving us intimacy problems.

I chalked all these issues up to class differences, thinking that maybe we were just too different as a result of our backgrounds. However, since we broke up, I keep asking myself if I just let “the one” walk away. Although he is lazy (or maybe he can’t find a job because of the recession) and unmotivated (or maybe he just cracks under pressure in school), he has always treated me like a queen, and loved me like no other. He was always there as my therapist, protector, confidante and lover, and I wonder if I’m crazy for not thinking he is good enough for me. I also worry that I will regret my decision or change my mind if he gets a job and goes back to school, but I don’t know if he will ever do these things. Is it too much to ask for an educated man with a job/ prospects? He is definitely one of the few “good guys” left in my city and I feel stupid to let him go. Should I just settle and learn to appreciate the little things? Or maintain my high standards and run the risk of never finding the man of my dreams?

Sincerely,
Lonely Ever After

Dear Lonely,

Giiiiiiirl.

This is a really tricky question, because–well, is class an issue? Yes. Is it comfortable to discuss? About as comfortable as a colonoscopy.

Okay, well, first of all, erectile dysfunction is not an issue of class. But it is an issue in your relationship. However, sexual dysfunction is not necessarily a reason to break up. If you do end up getting back together, I highly recommend that you get your boy to a doctor and find out what the problem is. Chances are, it’s easily fixed.

The problem, then, is that you want to know if you should deal with this guy despite his socioeconomic situation. Okay. Well, I’m going to be honest: my initial gut impulse was to chew you out for being so messed up and dated.

But then I got to thinking, Lonely, and, I gotta be honest, you have a point. Well, look, you want certain things, right? You want a guy who can support himself (and hold his own financial weight if the relationship becomes long-term). You want a guy who is smart and motivated, and, although it’s not terribly PC, it’s true that the culture in which he was raised may (or may not) be a contributing factor.

However, you also want someone who is kind and loving, which you say he is, and that’s really much harder to find. Jerks with six figures are easy to find but hard to swallow (ew). Guys who love you genuinely and generously are gems and shouldn’t be so easily dismissed.

On top of it all, it sounds like maybe he’s suffering some kind of depression or anxiety or something equally treatable. The lack of motivation, the sexual problems–maybe he just needs a trip to a therapist or perhaps a psychiatrist.

So here’s my advice, girl. Follow your heart. If he really, truly is the gentle and giving soul you say he is, give him another chance. But tell him that, because you’re considering a long-term relationship with him, you need him to get his life together. Tell him you want to be with him, but he needs to either get a job or go back to school, and he definitely has to see a doctor (or doctors) about his erectile dysfunction.

And then be happy. Because loving a good person is a privilege most people never get to enjoy.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

A new study conducted by Columbia University and the New York State Psychiatric Institute’s HIV Center for Clinical and Behavioral Studies claims “Those who lose their virginity at a later age — around 21 to 23 years of age — tend to be more likely to experience sexual dysfunction problems late.”

Even though this new study makes it seem like losing your virginity too late will cause your body to freak out, in actuality, what the numbers really show is that waiting to have sex is sometimes an indicator of preexisting bodily issues.

And to that conclusion, I say, well, of course.

“[M]en with sexual problems may avoid sexual interactions and consequently start later” the study finds, going on to explain that those who get married later without much sexual experience tend to have a difficult time with arousal and reaching orgasm.

“Fear of intimacy, body image problems, alcohol and drug abuse” and shame connected to sexual acts are also issues that come attached to delayed sexual activity, yet many experts examining this particular study believe psychological trauma is the cause of sexual dysfunction, and delayed sexual activity is merely a symptom of such dysfunction.

So basically, having sex later in life may be linked to sexual issues, but those issues were most likely with you way before you jumped into the sack.

Is this common sense to anyone else? The only thing this new study (appearing in the January 2008 issue of the American Journal of Public Health) seems to prove that Abstinence Only programs are probably one-way ticket to confusion later on in life. As ABC News reports, when normal sexual experimentation is “inhibited or not guided, there can be poor sexual health outcomes.”

Risqué headlines aside, it looks like all we got is another study that wants us to embrace safe sex.

So go out and make science proud!