These are just a few of the responses I have received from people who have discovered that I am, in fact, a virgin. However, I am beginning to see that “virginity” is subjective. When I asked some of my peers what they say virginity means, among other definitions, some said that one can be a virgin if they do not have penetration, but can have oral sex. Others argued that oral sex was a form of sex, and so therefore you had it, then you would lose your virginity. My favorite definition that I personally plan to live by (not really) was simply, “you don’t have sex unless you have an orgasm.”

Since we all have different definitions of the qualities a virgin must have, then how can one say (really) that they are a virgin? What is the standard definition for virginity? As with most words I want to know the meaning of, I turned to the dictionary to find out. Just like most people my age, I have a computer, and searched the word “virgin” on dictionary.com. What I found was this definition:

–noun
1. a person who has never had sexual intercourse.
2. an unmarried girl or woman.
3. Ecclesiastical. an unmarried, religious woman, esp. a saint.
4. the Virgin, Mary, the mother of Christ.
5. Informal. any person who is uninitiated, uninformed, or the like: He’s still a virgin as far as hard work is concerned.
6. a female animal that has never copulated.
7. an unfertilized insect.
8. (initial capital letter) Astronomy, Astrology. the constellation or sign of Virgo.

Why is it that most of the definition is directed towards women? In fact, in society “virgin” is almost always synonymous with “woman.” Think about some of the phrases you have heard in reference to virginity. One of the most common things I have heard is “popping their cherry,” which is a reference to ripping a woman’s hymen. There are only occasional references to male virgins, and they are usually depicted as goofy or strange older men who are socially awkward.

Another issue is that regardless of what definition I have for virginity, other people have another. Virgins are viewed in today’s world as either awkward, a very religious person who wears skirts down to the ground, or teases. The fact of the matter is I am very educated when it comes to sex. I enjoy learning about sex so that I can make educated decisions.

Today many people believe that all women have lost their morality because many of them choose to have sex. I honestly do not feel that the people, the women, I know who have had sex are damaging an entire generation. Rather, I feel that it is their own personal decision. The expectations that are set for young women are difficult to live up to, especially due to the focus on purity. I find it difficult myself to live up to the ideal. Because most people find it so difficult, many young women are reacting. They feel that their freedoms are being repressed (and in many ways, they are), so they choose the alternative, easier option.

It shouldn’t be that way! Why should a woman’s worth – her identity – lie in her decision to have, or not to have, sex? My body is not my defining feature. I refuse to believe that my physical body and my sexuality is what makes me, as a person, valuable. I am not better than a girl who has lost her virginity, and she is not damaged goods.

I am tired of women being put into categories of either virgins or whores. I choose not to have sex, because I haven’t found a man I love enough to have sex with. Yet my sexuality does not define me, or any other woman. Just because I am a virgin does not mean I am your stereotypical definition of a virgin.

So hold onto your hymens, because I believe we need to change how we view virginity. I say we stand up, and say enough is enough.

And according to Charlotte Allen, it’s because all women are sluts.

In her recent essay The New Dating Game, Allen tries to communicate the message that because women now have the power to choose who they date (and sleep with), males, particularly beta-males, are being pushed to the back burner.  In the “New Paleolithic Age,” alpha males are “dragging women by the hair into their caves– and the women love every minute of it.” According to Allen, all women spend the better part of their 20′s dressing like hookers and going out to clubs to try and take home the most desirable dudes. That is until they get dried-up (at the ripe old age of 28) and are forced to settle for a less-than-stellar guy so they can get married and pop out a few babies.

Yeah, a woman actually wrote all that.
And now let me react.

Though it’s hard to find in that pile of horse poo and dribble, Allen makes one valid point: hot, confident men are pulling more booty than “beta” males – their less attractive, more awkward counterparts. (Uh, DUH!?) But besides that, there’s so much wrong with this article, I don’t know where to begin.

First and most obviously, she discusses the sexual liberation of women as a bad thing. No. Just no. Second of all, she criticizes “late marriage, easy divorce, and the well-paying jobs that the feminist revolution has wrought for women.” So it’s a bad thing that women have college degrees and careers now, and thus marry later? That women finally have choices and aren’t stuck in relationships because they can’t take care of themselves? That couples are divorcing because they are unhappy?

That there are well-paying jobs…FOR A WOMAN!?

W.T.F.

Maybe this lady should take a time machine back to when arranged marriages were the norm, because as far as I’m concerned, this essay is BS. (Although, maybe for her, an arranged marriage was the only way she could nab a man….) Women can and should enjoy sex, and be able to choose when, with whom, and how many times they want it.  If the so-called “beta” males are suffering at the expense of their better looking peers, maybe it’s time they step their game up a bit. It’s not our fault they have zero personality or a bad sense of style and we shouldn’t have to cater to them just because they are there and they are available.

Even if we are “dried up” and past our prime…in our late twenties.

Listen, Charlotte Allen – I’m excited to be a young woman during the first point in history where women actually have equal, if not more, power in the dating world. Although you criticize it, I’m happy that yesterday’s “loose” women are today’s “liberated” women. And, call me crazy, but I couldn’t imagine a society where I couldn’t go out there and get myself a job after college.  Women now have CHOICES – the same choices men have been given for years – and, like men, we’re going for the best.

Your “beta males” have been coasting through life at the expense of women, so maybe it’s time they stop crying and start trying. And maybe it’s time you enjoyed a little sexual liberation; I have a feeling you could use it.

Okay, ladies, it’s time for a sneak peak behind closed exam-room doors. Outside, we are bombarded with the constant message that sex is all about fun, excitement, and personal empowerment – our bodies, our choice. Inside, however, we see a disconnect between these choices and unexpected consequences. People like “us”- whether that’s preppy Greeks, computer geeks, scholarship athletes, nurturing elementary ed majors, intense pre-law or pre-med majors, or any other student – these aren’t the kind of people who would be at risk of carrying a sexually transmitted disease, right?

WRONG!

As a private practice family physician located near a major university, I’m here to give you the REAL scoop about the STDs we diagnose every day, in women just like you.

The majority of my patients have had fewer sexual partners than they can count on one hand, and yet my colleagues and I diagnose genital herpes, chlamydia, and HPV (either obvious genital warts or abnormal Pap smears) like crazy! To be honest, one of the most common things we hear when we diagnose someone with genital herpes is “but there’s NO WAY I can have herpes, because I haven’t even had sex yet!” Of course, they’ve had oral sex, but they didn’t realize that cold sores = Herpes and cold sores in the mouth + genitals = Herpes down low.

Today’s statistics show that 1 in 5 Americans over the age of 12 have genital herpes (as determined by blood antibody testing), but only 10% are aware that they have it! HPV (the virus that causes genital warts and cervical cancer) is so common that it’s estimated that 50-75% of sexually active 15-59 year olds will become infected. Look around your next class and do the math to realize how many of your peers might share these diseases.

Chlamydia is silent in 50% of guys, and 75% of women – no wonder it gets passed around so easily! If you catch chlamydia (or gonorrhea) and it gets diagnosed EARLY, it is treated very simply with a short course of antibiotics for you and your partner. If, however, you bury your head in the sand and pretend that because you have no symptoms and you haven’t slept with anyone “yucky” that you’re not at risk, (and therefore, conveniently choose not to be tested), both chlamydia and gonorrhea can sit around and silently scar your reproductive tract potentially leaving you infertile down the road. While I’m sure most of you have no desire to be pregnant now, I’d bet most of you would like to have that option in the future.

So, take a good look in the mirror and ask that wonderful woman staring back at you, “Have you had ANY sexual partners (including oral, anal, or vaginal) since you were last tested?” If the answer is YES, go schedule an appointment to get checked out. This is not about being “good” or “bad,” and no medical provider is there to judge you. Trust me, you’ve done nothing any experienced doctor hasn’t heard or seen before, and our goal is simply to maximize your health, both now and for the future.

Don’t lie to yourself or hide from the truth. The best way to protect your body and future health is to get up and find out the truth. Stop worrying about sitting on public toilet seats and start realizing where the real risks for STDs are lurking!

For more information and STD facts, check out JillGrimesMD.com. If you’ve had enough dry facts in your statistics class and are looking for a more engaging way to learn, grab Jill’s book, Seductive Delusions: How Everyday People Catch STDs, which reads like episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and highlights accurate facts throughout the dialogue.

Lots more!

Women have more partners, more one night stands and are more willing to talk about it than their male counterparts. That last fact may contribute to some skewed statistics (men may be having lots of sex but just don’t want to talk about it), but the trend highlighted in this poll is definitely right on target.

The modern woman is no longer waiting for her prince to swoop down and give her a happy ending; she is out there getting it (again and again) on her own. We don’t need to be in love to express our sexuality. We don’t need to be married to enjoy the natural, carnal instincts men have been enjoying since the beginning of time.

This poll proves that women are just as sexual of creatures as men, and that we view sex in similar ways. Women are not always out there to “find love” or “get serious”; many of us are out there looking for a little fun.

And it looks like we are finding it. The world of sex and love is changing, and women are coming out on top (pun intended).

Nina Hartley is an extremely successful adult film star with 650 different video appearances under her belt. Starting off as an exotic dancer in the ‘80s, she is now a published author and an award winning actress for both sexual and non-sexual roles. I met Nina when we both served on a panel about modern sexuality for the Commonwealth Club in San Francisco. I asked her to give me some of her wise wisdom about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

Me: Do you think sexual freedom (through porn, sex outside of relationships, etc.) is good for the advancement women, or detrimental to the advancement of their self esteem?

Nina: Sexual freedom and autonomy are vital components of women’s greater equality in society. We are adults, not children in need of protection. Whether or not a woman’s exercise of this freedom is good or bad for her depends upon her making choices that are consistent with her values and beliefs. When we do things that go against our understanding of ourselves and the world, bad things usually happen as a result. My choices wouldn’t be good ones for very many women, nor would their choices be good for me.

M: We all know the key to being sexy is confidence. Do you have any special advice for being, or even just appearing, confident? Perhaps something you picked up through the industry?

N: Confidence arises out of our being centered in ourselves, which comes from knowing and accepting ourselves as we are, not as we think we should be, or how or parents have told us to be, or what we think society says we must be. The most important thing I learned from dancing (my earliest adult career) was that no one can read your mind. So, head up, shoulders back and smile. Your inner confusion or insecurity will pass unnoticed by those who, having just met you, only see what you present to the public. Speak directly and clearly, without apology, about what you want and don’t want.

M: Many women have trouble having sex with someone without becoming emotionally attached. From your experience, is there any way to separate sex and emotion? Or does that just come with practice and time?

N: It’s hard, though necessary, to separate how we, as individuals, actually feel about the sex/emotion connection … Some women (and men) cannot make such a separation, and they need to be that much more stringent about how, when, why and with whom, they choose to become intimate. Each person’s obligated to his or her own safety, security and comfort. Part of growing up is learning how to resist pressure from those who would have us cross our own boundaries, which we usually do by having x number of unpleasant experiences. It’s only possible to separate sex from emotion if one is “built” that way, as I am, or by suppressing his or her true feelings with drugs, alcohol or denial, which is never good. With experience, most people find the way that is best for them.

M: Do you have any last words of encouragement or advice for college-age women?

N: Know that it’s normal to be insecure about sex at your age. You’re young adults and have the obligation to differentiate yourselves from your families: what values about sex do I share with my family/parents and want to maintain? What values of theirs don’t work for me? How can I both experiment with sex AND keep myself safe, both physically and emotionally? Educate yourselves about safer sex and birth control. Get a dose of the morning after pill when you don’t need it, just in case you find that you do. DON’T USE ALCOHOL OR DRUGS TO SUPPRESS LONELINESS AND INSECURITY. It’s okay to say “yes” to sexual activity that fits within your boundaries for same. It’s okay to say “no” to sexual activity that doesn’t fit within your boundaries for same. When in doubt, slow down.

What do you think, ladies?

Being in a relationship is great, but getting there totally sucks. You meet someone, start to like that someone and then go crazy trying to figure out if they like you, why they aren’t calling, if you should text them, if you should have kissed them, if telling them you love The Hills was too much information…

It sucks, which is why I think one-night stands are the way to go. Seriously, if you are safe (read: wrap that sh*t up) the one-night engagement is a total win/win. And here are 5 reasons why:

1. No expectations: When I meet a guy while ordering a round of Soco and Limes at the bar, I never think to myself, “Wow! He could be the one!” We both know that our relationship will last approximately 6 hours (if that long) and then we will both go our separate ways. No wondering when he’s gonna call, or if he also wants 2 kids and a Puggle. You do your thing and move on. The end.

2. You can try all those crazy positions: Since you’re never really gonna see the dude again anyway, why not try the Arm Chair? (Look it up.) If it goes poorly (and he ends up with a black eye) it doesn’t matter – you won’t be fraternizing with him again. And if it goes well you have mastered a new position for the next dude who buys you a cocktail.

3. It’s a good story: Good sex, bad sex or no sex (too much alcohol doesn’t always lend itself well to doin’ it) there will most definitely be a great story attached to it. And who doesn’t love a great hookup tale?

4. No late night food: Let’s face it; when you go home from the bar with the roomies someone always ends up making drunk dip/ordering a pizza. When you go home with a boy, however, food is the last thing on your mind. Unless it involves licking it off the other person. Plus, sex burns calories.

5. Learn what you like: Practice makes perfect and sex is no exception. The more you have, the more you learn, and one-night stands are the perfect study sessions.

I am one of the many college girls that sees no problem in being young and enjoying a little (or a lot) sex every once in a while. But as thousands of college freshmen are planning on partaking in some type of sexual activity once arriving on campus, many of them will forget about the most important thing: being safe.

On a recent outing with some girlfriends, we encountered a group of men on a street corner belting out bible verses and holding large signs displaying all the things God supposedly hates (pre-marital sex, homosexuality, drunkeness and so on). As one of the men saw us walking by, he stopped mid-verse, turned to us and said “Did you know that 1 in 4 teen girls will catch in STD?” We all looked at him in disgust and walked away (the nerve!), but secretly I wanted to hang my head in shame, because I was the one girl he was referring to.

Before I left for college I never really thought much about hooking up in college. I had just broken up with my high school sweetheart and had no interest in seeing any other boys. I just laughed as my mother handed me a box of generic condoms, told me to be safe and kissed me goodbye.

Things started out pretty normal at school, until one night. I was in the middle of a pretty intense hookup with Derrick*, a laid back fellow freshman who was the complete polar opposite of my arrogant and popular ex. A friend of a friend, we constantly found ourselves at the same parties and happened to find ourselves alone one night. After some chatting and a couple of beers we decided to go back to his place. He was great in bed and had no problem with wearing a condom, except for oral sex.

So we continued to hook up on a regular basis. And everything was fine, until I visited my gyno during Winter Break only to find out that I had contracted HPV.

I was so hurt, ashamed and angry that I couldn’t bring myself to cry. When I called to Derrick to inform him, he told me that he was fine (many guys assume this since many of them don’t show symptoms) and that I was just another dirty slut. I felt depressed all the time and even thought about suicide; I felt that I didn’t deserve to live any more because I made such a stupid mistake and had became just another teen statistic, something I told myself would never happen.

After keeping my situation to myself for so long, I finally had to courage to tell my best friend what happened. Between comforting me and quieting my sobs, she told me that 1. My life wasn’t over and 2. If I just took care of myself I would be fine.

Today I’m doing somewhat better. I’ve been eating healthy and exercising to regulate my immune system, but I’m still coping with the fact I’ll have to live with the virus forever, unless someone miraculously finds a cure. Months after my diagnosis I find it very difficult to approach guys. I’m not sure how or if I will tell a guy about it, should we decide to have sex. I constantly find myself wondering how I could have gotten this, despite my efforts to be safe. I try to live my life like a normal teen, but every time I think about sex my HPV status stays in my head as a constant reminder.

So go ahead and call me every demoralizing name possible, but your harsh words are nothing compared to the numerous mental beatings I’ve put myself through. I hope that every fellow girl reading this will realize that you are not invincible, and that by not protecting yourself my story could easily be yours. So please , wear a condom every time you have sex (including oral and anal) and don’t be afraid to talk to you doctor about getting tested for STDs every couple of months. It’s important to truly consider who you want to have sex with, since HPV can be transmitted, even with the use a of condom.

(For more info on HPV/Genital Warts click here)

In fact, they made me sort of angry.

The writer’s tips can be summed up simply as, “Get up, get out, and make sure you look pretty when ya do it.” What? Is it 1950? Is there a reason the woman should have to tip toe (literally) around the sleeping prince? Should she have to exit quietly so as not to disturb his life?

You spent the night with a guy – which is your right – so why should you feel like a trampy nobody in the morning? Own it. Be there. Enjoy it.

In response to their post, we are going to give you our tips. And not make you feel bad for gettin’ frisky with a strapping young lad:

They Said: Get up and get out.

We Say: Unless you don’t like the idea of morning sex, we recommend sticking around for a bit. You are already there, why not enjoy a morning activity that both of you are clearly going to want? And if morning sex isn’t your thing, don’t sneak out. That just looks shady. Wake the boy up, tell him you had a great time but have to get back home, and kiss him goodbye.

They Said: Kiss Him Goodbye

We Say: We do agree with this one; no matter how bad the hookup (and you know some of those college boys have no clue what they are doing) give him a kiss goodbye. If you liked it, leave your number. It is a tad strange to spend an entire evening naked with someone and doing many a-naughty thing only to get all shy and run out in the morning. Plus, why should you run? You didn’t force this guy to take you home – he invited you. Don’t feel weird about it in the morning.

They Said: Keep things quiet

We Say: Sneaking out of some guy’s house in the early morning is going to make you feel cheap and whorish. And, despite what many people think, spending the night with a man is neither of those things. Why should you have to tip toe out of his house? He knows you are there. He doesn’t have to get up and walk you out, but he should acknowledge that you are leaving and make an effort to say goodbye. Yes, it is a bad idea to run through his house, cook some breakfast and watch TV with the roommates, but there is no reason for you to have to take off your shoes and tip toe out the front door.

They Said: Pick up your trash

We Say: Let that guy clean up his own place! You weren’t the only one using that water bottle and you sure as hell weren’t alone in the use of the condom. Cleaning up after yourself makes it seem like you did something wrong and that you are trying to hide it. Why should you have to clean up after some man? This is his apartment/dorm room – he can clean it up when he finally rolls out of bed.

They Said: Don’t Make Apologies

We Say: Amen, sisters. If you went home with someone and didn’t want to have sex, that is your prerogative. No matter what he says, “But it feels so good,” “You won’t regret it,” “Just for a second?” you do NOT have to give in.

They Said: Make sure you don’t look like a busted up ho when you leave.

We Say: Sure, straightening out the hair and splashing a little water on your face is a good idea, but no matter how much lip gloss you reapply, sporting a backless shirt and a pair of stilettos at 10AM on a Saturday is going to tip everyone off.

[Image courtesy of timgrey on Flickr.]

While other girls in my class talked easily about their experiences and commiserated about cramps, I was mortified by the whole experience and didn’t want to talk about it to anyone — not to parents, doctors, or friends. The whole business was just embarrassing and shouldn’t be mentioned except when absolutely necessary, I thought.

Only after years of getting older and wiser have I lost some of my adolescent self-consciousness and become comfortable telling someone when I have cramps (in case they haven’t guessed from me being doubled up on the floor). I still don’t have much tolerance for discussing sex, though. I don’t mind it when others talk, but I’d blush like mad to speak about it myself. So am I just a Puritan, or is there a place in the world for the bashful as well?

I’m not a prude in my ideas at all. I’m at the front of the line championing sexual freedom for everybody. I wish I could speak about the down n’ dirty as explicitly as I believe to be acceptable! On the other hand, though, not everyone has to be broadcasting their sexual histories, experiences, and ruminations on the act. Sexual freedom is just that, and it means there’s room in this world for everyone’s varying comfort levels.

We don’t all have to pretend to be cast members of Sex and the City.

For me, the decision to not speak too explicitly about my own sexual experiences is part of what keeps the act intimate and special. That closeness achieved between two people (or more, if that’s what floats your boat) is an intensely private act, and it’s not repression to keep it between those two people. So, although the magazines and TV shows are encouraging us more and more to make sex a commodity that can be splashed across our Facebook photo albums or our blogs, remember that you can still keep it private, and champion people’s right not to be judged about it, at the same time.

[Photo courtesy of flickr.com]

But what we absolutely do not want to do is send the message that sexual freedom and inhibition is a risk free lifestyle.

Recently, two writers from Jezebel – a website for women aged 25-35 – were invited onto Lizz Winstead’s show, Thinking and Drinking, to discuss their decisions to blog quite openly about their sexcapades and the message they send by writing about them (graphically) on the internet. Winstead, a former writer for The Daily Show, is a strong advocate of sexual empowerment and freedom, but argues it “can only be called a freedom if you protect yourself from rape, disease and pregnancy.”

Tracie Egan and Moe Tkacik, the Jezebel bloggers – who we have quoted and referenced many times before – showed up to the interview drunk and what they said caused quite a stir in the CollegeCandy office.

You can see the clip here:

We have no problem with the choices these women make in their personal lives, but we do have a problem with the fact that they take an issue like rape and make light of it. Pass it off like it’s funny, impossible, fictional and that they are too smart to let it happen to them.

No one is too “smart” to be raped. My friends are very smart people; some of the most intelligent, worldly and street smart people I know (Yes, I am bragging). But that didn’t mean anything when one of them went home with someone – a funny, attractive boy we knew through some friends – and found herself in an unsafe situation that she could not stop.

He was not some shady dude in the bar; she was “smart” enough to avoid that one.

It wasn’t the muscley guy buying rounds for every girl he saw; she knew not to go near that one.

It was a safe guy that she trusted and that did not make a difference.

Just as Winstead mentioned in the clip, the ladies of Jezebel have remained safe, not because they have made good choices, but because they are lucky. The same goes for me, and for a lot of the bloggers on this site. We are not doing anything different than the women who find themselves in danger; we are just really f-ing lucky.

Though we may not want to be role models, blogging comes with that responsibility. We would be jobless if it weren’t for the people who read and emulate us, so it is disgusting for these two ladies of Jezebel to ignore their responsibilities and make light of such a serious situation.

It may have been the wine talking, but what they said is embarrassing and just plain wrong. Women today are very lucky to live in a society that allows us the freedom to choose our lifestyle; we cannot take it for granted.

[Photo courtesy of Jezebel]

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