But, just because I don’t know how to dive off of a really high platform or do flips on some uneven bars doesn’t mean that I, too, am not the best at something. I have some talents too, and they should not be shunned just because I can’t bring them to Beijing.

So, I give you the 5 Sports I Would Win a Gold In (If They Were Included In The Olympics):

1. Cake Eating: With or without hands, I would totally take the cake (Ha!) in this event. I have a big mouth (to the chagrin of my mother and the glee of my men) that allows me to store massive quantities of cake and frosting goodness. I also happen to be able to seriously pack food away (which allowed me to excel in another sport: weight gain), so there is no stopping me in this competition.

2. Late Night Stiletto Run: While Michael Phelps was doin’ his thing in the pool, I was dedicating hours to perfecting this skill. I dare anyone to race me to the nearest pizza place in a pair of heels. You can even throw a few hurdles (girl passed out on sidewalk, traffic, or inclement weather) in my way and I will beat out all the competition. Yes, even the Chinese.

3. The Bargain Hunt: I have been practicing this one since I left the womb. Show me an item and I will find it for you cheaper. And I will do it fast.

4. That’s What She Said: I can turn anything into something sexual at a record breaking speed. (That’s what she said.) I don’t care how hard it is (that’s what she said), or how many people are involved (that’s what she said). I like to do it hard and do it fast (that’s what she said).

5. Bullsh*tting: I hate to toot my own horn (that’s what she said), but I am really good at making people think I care/like them/have any interest in what they have to say. My combination head nod, mixed with witty banter have fooled people for years and I have no doubt I would rock it in Beijing (even with the language barrier).

Does it make them seem more attractive when they’re photographed scarfing down hot dogs and slurping milk shakes? Not really.

Relatable? Likable? Personable? Nah.

Just because Jessica Biel eats a sandwich doesn’t mean I’m her new biggest fan and want her to come over and do my nails.

It’s probably because there’s something vulnerable about being caught in the act of eating. Most of the time, I feel kind of sorry for them, their mouths stretched all ugly and their and faces askew.

Just like watching celebrities fall down and/or trip, there’s simply something human about seeing a Cover Girls and Guys stuffing their perfect, rich faces.

Or how about it being just plain FUNNY?

There’s the the Supermodel Eater (whether this food is fully digested is unknown), the HOLY SHIT That’s a Big Mouthful Eater (let the sexual innuendos ensue) and the Careful There Could Be Paparazzi Eater. Although, I say just go for it, girl. Eat that cupcake!

Sometimes it’s utterly disgusting, sometimes it’s kinda cute.

Face it, celebs and food make an awesome combination, one to be reckoned with. But why stop there? I say add some good ol’ alcohol into the mix, all the time, everywhere.

This is entertainment, people.

Check out the photo album:

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