Dear Dude,

I have been dating my boyfriend for two months or so now. Unfortunately, he goes to another college and we don’t see each other as often as we would like. Neither of us dated in high school; neither of us has any experience with dating or sex. Recently, the time we do have together has been getting very sexual. He is a little bolder than I am (although always a gentleman) and the last time we saw each other things got a little out of hand. By the time I asked to slow down (which he did immediately), neither of us had clothes on.

He always touches me and makes me feel wonderful, and I want to return the favor–but I feel like if you’re going to go below the belt on a guy you should be prepared to finish the job. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I’m certainly not ready to lose my virginity.

I care about him a lot. I want to respect his needs and wants without being selfish, but I don’t want to push myself into territory that I’m not ready for, either. I definitely don’t want to be a tease. He makes me happy. I just want him to be happy, too.

What do I do?
– Searching For Boundaries Read More »

Rejection is hard no matter where it comes from. Whether it’s somebody at the bar, a school, or a job, it just really sucks. Now imagine if that rejection comes from somebody you love, hell, imagine if it’s coming from the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Ouch, right? The sad thing is that this happens all the time – not out of spite or not being in love, but because couples don’t take into consideration one very important thing to talk about: sexual compatibility.

There are some things that should be discussed at the outset of every relationship – ground rules, expectations, fast-growing tumors, but for some reason sexual compatibility seems to often be bypassed during these discussions. Partially because some people think it’s not important, and partially because they remain hopeful that either they or their partner are going to “warm up” to sex and eventually, once the relationship gets going, the sex will be frequent and awesome.

Some luck out and the “wait it out” strategy works, but that’s not always the case.

Ups-and-downs in sexual frequency are totally normal in any relationship. We hit that honeymoon newly-in-love phase, and find ourselves constantly naked, but eventually things die down – and that’s to be expected. But if you expect your partner to be monogamous, then your sex drive affects them too. Failing to discuss your ideal sex life is a huge mistake — if you’ve got a very low or very high sex drive, your partner deserves to know. Realizing in the middle of an LTR that you’re severely sexually incompatible can be a really big issue to deal with. It might even be the make-or-break point in your relationship.

Read More »

Asexuality. Is it a real thing?

If so, what does it actually mean?

In an article by David Jay in American Sexuality Magazine, he explains what asexuality is, and how a person can have a satisfying relationship while identifying as an asexual individual. Jay should know—he’s speaking from first hand experience.

“One of the quirks of being asexual” Jay says, “is that classifying and prioritizing relationships becomes a mite tricky.” In his article, Jay explains how he sees himself as a bit of an ‘intimacy ho’.

Unlike some asexuals who prefer a solitary lifestyle, Jay admits to desiring relationships (sans the sex) from many, many different people.

Upon learning early on that a meaningful relationship had to include sex, Jay rebelled. There had to be a way, he thought, to feel what he wanted to feel without the socially inflicted constraints.

“It wasn’t long before my close friendships started to look and act like dating, and it wasn’t much longer until they broke away from that and started to become something else entirely” he writes.

“Relationships, I realized, can be fun, in much the same way that I imagine sex is fun for sexual folk. New types of pleasure started popping up all over, and it seemed like there would never be time to explore them all. They ran the gamut—from the intellectual to the physical, from the deeply empowering to the utterly frivolous.” Read More »

Asexuality. Is it a real thing? If so, what does it actually mean?

In an article by David Jay in American Sexuality Magazine, he explains what asexuality is, and how a person can have a satisfying relationship while identifying as an asexual individual. Jay should know—he’s speaking from first hand experience.

“One of the quirks of being asexual” Jay says, “is that classifying and prioritizing relationships becomes a mite tricky.” In his article, Jay explains how he sees himself as a bit of an ‘intimacy ho’. Unlike some asexuals who prefer a solitary lifestyle, Jay admits to desiring relationships (sans the sex) from many, many different people.

Upon learning early on that a meaningful relationship had to include sex, Jay rebelled. There had to be a way, he thought, to feel what he wanted to feel without the socially inflicted constraints.

“It wasn’t long before my close friendships started to look and act like dating, and it wasn’t much longer until they broke away from that and started to become something else entirely” he writes. “Relationships, I realized, can be fun, in much the same way that I imagine sex is fun for sexual folk. New types of pleasure started popping up all over, and it seemed like there would never be time to explore them all. They ran the gamut—from the intellectual to the physical, from the deeply empowering to the utterly frivolous.” Read More »