My mother (yes, my mother) once told me that if there aren’t fireworks between the sheets, it’s just not meant to be.  I immediately dismissed this advice, partly because it meant my menopausal mother was having better sex with my overweight father than I was with my supposedly sexually prime bedmate. But mostly, I rejected this theory because I didn’t, and still don’t, think its entirely true.

Sex – the good, the bad, and the ugly – where does it all fit in?

We make such a big deal about sex. It consumes us.  We lie about sex – we say we’re having less when we’re having more, and more when we’re having less. We worry about our relationship if the sex isn’t “above average.” We worry about our health, our sanity, our bodies and our worth if he simply rolls over. We use sex as a barometer for the status of our relationships when there couldn’t possibly be a less reliable, standardized or empirical indicator.

I, for one, do not believe that the caliber or frequency of the sex we’re having – or not having – is necessarily an accurate representation of what lies beneath. Now this is not to say that sex is not an important component of a relationship, because it is.  I fancy a good ole shag just as much as the next gal. What I am saying, though, is that thanks to soft core porn, (aka cable television), Megan Fox, and Cosmopolitan articles with titles like “Give Him the Best Sex of His Life” and “101 Sex Positions to Try Before You Die,” we have been made to believe that not only should we be having sex every night, but great sex every night, and this just isn’t realistic.

These fallacies also spawn a kind of sexual competition among men, women, and couples alike. “Do you guys have a swing? Where have you done it today? Have you tried the Reverse Amazon? What about the Jellyfish? The Bent Spoon?” It’s like losing your virginity automatically (and unwittingly) qualifies you for the sex Olympics and suddenly everybody’s keeping score, or being judged, or being stripped of their medals for performance enhancers. The whole world was turned upside down when Sting revealed that he has epic bouts of tantric sex with his wife on a regular basis, and women everywhere were making statements about “how lucky his wife is.” Now, I’m sorry, but I have no time to be having seven hour sex sessions; I have to eat an Italian sub, pass a bowel, and watch reality TV all before 1 p.m., so this just isn’t going to work. And quite frankly, I have no desire to play hide the canoli for four hundred and twenty minutes. Should I feel bad about that? Read More »

I had the perfect relationship. We met in my junior year of high school, and continued to date for the next year. While I had already lost my virginity prior to meeting my high school sweetheart, he had not (as far as I knew). During the first couple weeks of our relationship, I avoided the topic of virginity like the plague, as I didn’t want to rehash my embarrassing and somewhat regretted first time.

The time eventually came for us to get it on, and while I hadn’t asked if he still carried is v-card, after our first time lasted a good 10 minutes I figured I had not been the one to take his innocence. (What? Guys with their v-cards tend to finish at just the thought of getting some…)

Shortly after, the big conversation rolled around and I found out that I was indeed his first. I fessed up to my previous experience, and it seemed to be cool with him. He told me he was relieved that I knew what I was doing, as he was without a clue. It was a constant joke in our relationship that I had been the one who corrupted him, ha ha ha. Read More »

Talking sex with your doctor isn’t always easy. Whether you are afraid she will judge you,  you just don’t feel comfortable sharing the intimate details of your life between the sheets, or you can’t think straight with a speculum between your legs, many people get tight lipped in the doctor’s office. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have questions.

We thought we’d help and every Thursday our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin will be answering your questions. The ones you couldn’t ask your doctor in person. Just leave your questions in the comments, or send em over to us. (We’ll keep it all anonymous for you.) Dr. Lissa will answer anything – really, anything – about sex and other lady things. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I recently found out that I have HPV. I was so shocked and upset by the news that I couldn’t really think of anything to ask my doctor. So, I was wondering what I should do. This was the first time I’ve ever been tested, so do I have to tell every guy I’ve ever been with (even those I didn’t actually have sex with)? And do I have to tell all future partners?

A: First of all, I’m sorry you have Human PapillomaVirus (HPV). If it makes you feel any better, I have had it too. You didn’t say whether your HPV is the type that causes genital warts or abnormal pap smears (they tend to be different strains but may travel together). But I’d be happy to educate you about HPV in general, since you were too freaked out to ask your doc. Read More »

Talking sex with your doctor isn’t always easy. Whether you are afraid she or he will judge you,  you just don’t feel comfortable sharing the intimate details of your life between the sheets, or you can’t think straight with a speculum between your legs, many people get tight lipped in the doctor’s office. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have questions.

After so many of you wrote in to ask Dr. Lissa Rankin questions during CollegeCandy’s STD Awareness Day, we thought we’d bring her back more regularly. So, every Thursday she will be answering your questions. The ones you couldn’t ask your doctor in person and didn’t really trust the Yahoo community to answer for you. Just leave your questions in the comments, or send em over to us. (We’ll keep it all anonymous for you.) Dr. Lissa will answer anything – really, anything – about sex and other lady things. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I feel very uncomfortable with all things sex. I am not very experienced and get really nervous when the opportunity arises. How can I fix that?

A: To answer your question completely, I would want to know more about you. Why are you uncomfortable with all things sex?  Is it because you’re young and inexperienced, or have you had past experiences, such as rape or sexual molestation, that rock your foundations and understandably lead to uncomfortable feelings regarding sex?  And how is your relationship with your sexual partner?  Many people are uncomfortable with sexual activity when they don’t know or trust their partner well.  Are you uncomfortable because you don’t really understand your body? Or are you having pain?  There are many reasons why someone might feel uncomfortable with sex.  Sometimes, those feelings arise to protect you and are worth honoring. But sometimes, they get in the way of sexual bliss and can cause problems. Read More »

I waited a long time to swipe my coveted V-card. It wasn’t like I was waiting for my Prince Charming – more like I was waiting for the right opportunity. The right guy. The right comfort level. I wanted it to be something I could look back on down the road without regrets.

And I don’t have any, but it definitely wasn’t what I expected. I thought it would be some really intense situation where I’d feel completely different after the entire thing was over. And maybe it would have been had it lasted longer than 4 minutes. Instead, the entire sitch was just….weird. And when it was done? I didn’t feel more connected to my partner – I just felt sore downtown and a little bit sweaty.

Everyone’s first time is different, but do we all feel the same way going into it? What do guys think of losing their virginity, and what do they think about taking it from someone else? Let’s find out… Read More »

Here at CollegeCandy, we’ve long urged our readers to go get tested for STDs.  Getting tested for STDs is extremely important, especially when you’ve had multiple partners or have had unprotected sex.  Many STDs take a while to show any symptoms and some people never show any signs of having one, so getting tested is the only way to be sure that you’re healthy and to ensure that you’re not spreading any around.

Ok, so you’ve gone and gotten tested–and the test came back positive.  Now what?  After you talk to your doctor about treatment, the next thing you should do is to tell your partner.  And not just your current boyfriend/hookup buddy, I mean ALL your ex-partners, too, because there’s the chance that they’ve been infected and don’t know it, either.  I know, I know… it’s super embarrassing, but it’s your responsibility to make sure they don’t spread an STD, either.  And, who knows? It’s possible you got it from them and they should know to be checked.

But don’t stress–there are some things that you can do to make the whole ordeal less painful. Read More »

Talking sex with your doctor isn’t always easy. Whether you are afraid she or he will judge you,  you just don’t feel comfortable sharing the intimate details of your life between the sheets, or you can’t think straight with a speculum between your legs, many people get tight lipped in the doctor’s office. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have questions.

We took the embarrassment (and speculum!) factor out of the equation and asked you, the CollegeCandy readers, to submit the questions you had regarding STDs and sexual health to our new pal, OB/GYN Dr. Lissa Rankin. Check out the first batch of questions she answered and get the rest of the info below:

1. If you have a high risk strain of HPV and so does your current partner, will my chances of it progressing to cervical cancer increase if we do not use a condom, and just use birth control? I am positive he is also monogamous.

Bummer about the HPV, but rest assured, you’re so not alone. As many as 80% of sexually active young people will test positive for HPV, even in the absence of symptoms.  If you and your partner already have a high risk strain of HPV and you’re both completely monogamous, using a condom probably won’t help you unless there are other strains of HPV or other STDs that the two of you have not already transmitted to each other.  Whether or not your high risk HPV leads to precancerous changes of the cervix, or worse, cervical cancer, has much more to do with how well your immune system functions.  The best thing you can do to avoid cervical cancer once you have high risk HPV is to eat a whole foods, healthy diet, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, take a multivitamin, manage your stress in healthy ways, and generally take good care of your body – all things that strengthen your immune system.  If you have access to an integrative medicine physician or a naturopathic doctor, there are herbal formulas that can help your body naturally fight the HPV.  Read More »

Talking sex with your doctor isn’t always easy. Whether you are afraid she or he will judge you,  you just don’t feel comfortable sharing the intimate details of your life between the sheets, or you can’t think straight with a speculum between your legs, many people get tight lipped in the doctor’s office. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have questions.

We took the embarrassment (and speculum!) factor out of the equation and asked you, the CollegeCandy readers, to submit the questions you had regarding STDs and sexual health to our new pal, OB/GYN Dr. Lissa Rankin. She shares her experience and knowledge below. There were so many questions that we had to break it into two parts, so come back later to read the rest!

1. How does someone get tested for STDs?
If you wish to be screened for STD’s, screening is simple.  Readily available blood tests exist for HIV, hepatitis B and C, syphilis, and herpes.  Chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomonas can all be tested from swabbing the vagina or cervix, as well as from a urine test, and it’s important to get tested, since the presence of these infections may make you more susceptible to contracting HIV.  HPV testing can be performed at the time of a pap smear, although this test is usually only done if your pap smear is abnormal.  Genital warts, pubic lice and molluscum contagiosum are usually diagnosed by a doctor’s visual inspection or, sometimes, a biopsy.  Most STD tests are readily available at any OB/GYN or primary care medical office.

2. How often should I get tested?
I recommend being tested any time you change sexual partners (or any time your partner does). So if you break up with your boyfriend and he hooks up with someone else, then wants to get back together, it’s time to get tested again.  If you’ve been tested once and everything was negative, it’s a good idea to get retested in 6 months, just to make sure.  After that, as long as you’re with the same partner and you know for sure your partner is faithful, you’re probably safe to just get your annual pap smear. Read More »

Jill Grimes, MD, is a board-certified family practice physician in Austin, TX. She is an associate editor for the 5-Minute Clinical Consult textbook, and clinical instructor at UMASS Medical School.  Her book, Seductive Delusions: How Everyday People Catch STDs, proves how serious STDs are for all of us – yes, even you! We had a chance to speak with Jill and she had this to share with everyone at CollegeCandy:

Okay, ladies, it’s time for a sneak peak behind closed exam-room doors. Outside, we are bombarded with the constant message that sex is all about fun, excitement, and personal empowerment – our bodies, our choice. Inside, however, we see a disconnect between these choices and unexpected consequences. People like “us”- whether that’s preppy Greeks, computer geeks, scholarship athletes, nurturing elementary ed majors, intense pre-law or pre-med majors, or any other student – these aren’t the kind of people who would be at risk of carrying a sexually transmitted disease, right?

WRONG!

As a private practice family physician located near a major university, I’m here to give you the REAL scoop about the STDs we diagnose every day, in women just like you.

The majority of my patients have had fewer sexual partners than they can count on one hand, and yet my colleagues and I diagnose genital herpes, chlamydia, and HPV (either obvious genital warts or abnormal Pap smears) like crazy! To be honest, one of the most common things we hear when we diagnose someone with genital herpes is “but there’s NO WAY I can have herpes, because I haven’t even had sex yet!” Of course, they’ve had oral sex, but they didn’t realize that cold sores = Herpes and cold sores in the mouth + genitals = Herpes down low. Read More »

“I’m so jealous” my friend confided after I had told her about my most recent spectacular sexperience. “I can’t orgasm from sex.”

What?! No orgasm? From sex? Is that some sort of really mean trick? Is Mother Nature f–king with her? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Clearly this was not normal; she should find a new man, or talk to a doctor, or something.

But it is normal. Really normal.

Like, 75% of women, normal.

In fact, my uncanny ability to “thoroughly enjoy” sex (multiple times, on some occasions) seems to be the abnormal in this situation. I am a member of a very exclusive group; the Orgasmers, if you will.

So, I am curious. Are you a card carrying member, or, like my unfortunate friend, are you a member of the silent (in bed) majority?