The Kiss – probably one of the most popular posters for college guys. I’m referring to the picture, taken by Tanya Chalkin, of two girls, lying in bed in their underwear, kissing. Yes, the one I’m sure everyone has seen at one point or another during their college career. This picture, which is said to represent the freedom and experimentation during college, is one big, fat lie.

A study by the Center of Disease Control showed that it is actually women without high school diplomas that are more likely to have same-sex experiences than women in college. Sorry boys, but 10 percent of women aged 22 to 44 with a college degree reported to having a same-sex experience as opposed to 15 percent of women lacking a high school diploma. In addition, the numbers show that the numbers are rising for women with lower educational achievements.

Can you hear that? It’s the sound of college boys’ dreams shattering into teeny, tiny bits.

This study comes years after New York Magazine released a story called “Bi for Now,” which introduced the world to the idea and allegedly budding trend of ‘lesbians until graduation’ (or as they called them, ‘hasbians’). The idea was fun, exciting and controversial so, naturally, it caught on, and soon everyone was talking about it. Before long, girl on girl experimentation was thought of as just another college expectation, like final exams or getting really drunk on your 21st birthday.

It’s not to say there’s anything wrong with kissing a girl and liking it, but there is a problem with being pressured by others to experiment in a way you’re not comfortable with just because it’s a common belief that all college girls experiment with other girls. Especially when that belief is not even true.

And the pressure is everywhere. Not just at the campus bar where drunk guys gather and chant “KISS!” at two girls at the center of the circle. The whole idea of girl-on-girl experimentation has completely overwhelmed the media and perpetuated the idea that having a “lesbian encounter” is normal and expected.

Think about how lesbians, bisexuals or even bi-curious women are represented on TV and in movies. There’s the sorority girl, such as Rebecca Logan in Greek, who kisses one girl and then all of a sudden proclaims she’s a lesbian. There is no shock-and-awe, her “coming out” is shrugged off, and within a few episodes she’s back to guys. Or how about in Skins (the good UK version, not the MTV one) when two girls are told to kiss during play rehearsal even though it’s not part of the scene, and they do so without much hesitation.

I’ve never had a girl-on-girl experience, much like 90% of my female peers, but I have to imagine it’s not that easy, that quick, that carefree. I mean, that is if it’s actually a moment of experimentation and not just a ploy to get male attention. It’s not like throwing back a shot or hugging a friend; there is a lot of thought and emotion that goes into something like that and we don’t see that. Ever.

Instead, we see girls just frivolously kissing other girls, experimenting for a hot minute, then moving on as if nothing happened at all. How is someone supposed to truly explore this idea if it’s being treated with such blatant disregard everywhere she looks?

The seemingly heterosexual woman character kissing another woman has become so prevalent and watered down that it’s now known as the “lesbian kiss episode” on television. Think about all the shows you watch (or used to watch) and how many times you’ve seen it: The O.C., Glee, Gilmore Girls, 90210, Gossip Girl, and the list goes on. Everybody’s doing it now.

Except they’re not. Not in real life, at least. Which means that none of us should ever feel pressured to try it out. Of course, if you’re curious, by all means, do it. But don’t feel bad if you don’t find yourself in the arms of another girl before you don that cap and gown. Just like there’s nothing wrong with never trying it out, there’s also nothing wrong with going LPG (Lesbian Post-Graduation).

What do you think about the ‘lesbian until graduation’ stereotype? Is it being exploited? Are you curious to experiment? Have you ever felt pressured to?

It’s no secret that getting admission to a college (especially big names like the Ivy League) is kind of a crap shoot. Sure, you need the grades, the activities, the involvement; but we all also know that sometimes you can give your application a little nudge that has nothing to do with academics. Your parents worked two jobs each to help take care of you and your three siblings and it taught you the value of responsibility and family — admissions gold. Or you spent half of your childhood in another country and had to learn the wonder and struggles of adapting your proud cultural heritage to life in the Midwest — brilliant. These kinds of things have been a leg-up in the admissions process for years and now, it turns out, there’s a brand new one that schools are actively seeking out — LGBT.

That’s right, when just a couple of decades ago many people couldn’t RISK coming out in college, now schools are trying to recruit applicants from the LGBT community and while I have no qualms about that, I gotta wonder if it’s fair.

I have a long-standing record on this column of being pro gay rights, and that’s not a streak I plan on breaking, but this is one area where I have some serious mixed feelings. On one hand, it’s great that schools are being active with the gay community and embracing their students’ sexualities as a part of who they are. It’s wonderful that they’re going to an effort to show students that they can be open, active and comfortable in their school and embracing that the challenges faced by many LGBT students are character shaping  and meaningful. Good job, colleges! It’s also not really affirmative action, so it’s not as though schools are trying to fill a certain quota; it’s just that if a good applicant comes along with the added twist of being LGBT, then it might give him or her a little boost.

No, the problem I have with this idea isn’t really about gay students getting a leg-up on the competition because of their sexuality or maybe taking a slot away from someone else based on that – though it is possible – my real problem is the implications for the gay communities within these schools. First of all, while I hate to think it, it would be a hell of a lot easier to fake a traumatic coming out story than something like, coming from a low-income family. It’s not really something admissions officers can check up on and there probably are dishonest students who would fake it or play up their own less dramatic experiences just to edge out the competition. There’s also the issue of creating an archetype for the gay student. Schools aren’t  just going around asking recruits if they’re LGBT, they see activism on transcripts with a certain expectation that it will continue – that an LGBT recruit won’t just be a student, but an involved, gay student. And while getting involved in the community is great, it puts a pressure on the student to be a certain kind of gay student – to be out and active and “gay.” There’s a lot more to an individual than their sexuality and to fit them into one little box, to put so much emphasis on who you are sexually, is kind of discrimination in reverse.

So what do you think? Should school’s look at something like sexuality when choosing students? Is being LGBT suddenly an unfair admissions advantage over straight students? Is it good or bad for the LGBT community? Duke it out!

In the mood for a good fight? Sound off in Lauren’s other battles.

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[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. Sometimes with mean words. We love a strong woman (unless she happens to be charging at us with her fists raised), so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like flat rate tuition!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

Last week, the Senate voted not to repeal the military’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy – a policy that’s essentially a band-aid for the absence of gay rights in the military. The policy, which was introduced in 1993, has essentially stood all of this time as a way of saying ‘you can be gay in the military, as long as nobody knows about it’. It looked close for a while there, but ultimately the policy stands – even though Obama actually campaigned on changing the policy and his administration is openly opposed to it – and I think it’s time we had OUR say.

As I’ve said before, I’m not unbiased on this issue, but regardless of my own personal moral compass being pro-gay rights, there are also some compelling reasons why the policy should be repealed. For starters, under this policy anyone who comes out or is outed in the military is given a dishonorable discharge, no matter how well they were actually doing their job. That means that we’re actively spending military budget on getting rid of military personnel regardless of the quality of their work or the necessity of their position, which, considering how much trouble there already is with military budgeting, seems like a massive waste. There’s also the very obvious fact that this is the AMERICAN military and if it were any other position, say, at an American business perhaps, a person could sue for being fired over their sexuality – because it’s freakin’ illegal!

Suffice to say it’s pretty backassward that our own laws don’t apply the same way to our protective body as they do to the public.

One of the big arguments against repealing the policy is the fact that it’s going to take a lot of work and since the system as it stands functions reasonably effectively, to throw a big restructuring in right now would just mess things up for everybody. Now on the one hand, I see a point in this argument, because yes, the military is doing tough stuff at a tough time and they’re doing the best job they can. Yes, massive restructuring to deal with changing policies and deal with things like housing – where do LGBT soldiers live? With their own gender? The opposite? – as well as overall attitudes and the general social unrest that major changes like this cause, would be a serious burden on the system and would likely make it work less effectively for a time.

But then again, if that’s the rationale, then there’s really never a good time to restructure anything. The military always does tough stuff at tough times and it will always upset the system to have major changes; that didn’t stop the military from desegregating in the ’40s.

OK, what do you have to say? Is ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ a blotch on our historical record? Does it desperately need to be repealed? Or has the policy been working so far so why fix what’s not broken? Should we wait for another, better, time to make a major effort like this?

Duke it out!

Role playing is ESSENTIAL in any long-term, monogamous relationship.

And it’s just plain fun in any other situation.

Role playing allows us to live out our fantasies in a comfortable, safe situation, and adds some much needed variety to our sex lives. But as fun as it is to be someone else for a bit, it can also be really nerve-racking. We’re not all professional actors, and pretending to be someone else, especially when you’re naked and vulnerable, can be hard.

If you’ve never done it before, do it. And if you’re not sure how, here are my answers to a few questions you probably have:

Q. How do I tell my partner I want to role-play with seeming like I’m bored with him/her?

A. “I’ve always thought it would be really hot to sleep with a professor. Can I call you Dr. ______ tonight?” Most partners will be happy to help you fulfill your fantasies.

Q. What are some good role play scenarios to try?

A. Anything that turns you on. My favorites are situations where one person has to talk the other into sex because it’s “forbidden.” Something like teacher/student or boss/employee can be really hot, and you can alternate who does the convincing (i.e. naughty student or pervy professor).

Q. What do I say? How do I act?

A. Don’t try too hard or over think it; just say what comes naturally. In a “forbidden” scenario, the conversation is practically written for you (“I’m not sure about this.” “Don’t worry, no one has to know.”). For other scenarios just keep it basic in the beginning. Doctor/nurse – talk about the hospital you work at, firefighter/rescued person – talk about how scared you were and how thankful you are. It’s good to throw in some sexy stuff, but don’t force it. “I’ve wanted you all semester” is much hotter than “I’ll suck your D for an A.” You get the picture.

Q. What if I get tired of it halfway through?

A. It’s totally fine to use role playing as foreplay and then go back to your normal self when the sexing gets really hot. Not everyone can keep up the façade when they’re under so much intense pleasure. You’re partner will understand.

Q. Do I have to dress up?

A. No, but it might be fun. We’re college students, so we all know how to work a theme party. Feel free to apply the same ideas to the bedroom.

Well, there you go. Now you’re ready to start experimenting with new roles to play in the bedroom. If you have any more questions, leave them in the comments!

These are just a few of the responses I have received from people who have discovered that I am, in fact, a virgin. However, I am beginning to see that “virginity” is subjective. When I asked some of my peers what they say virginity means, among other definitions, some said that one can be a virgin if they do not have penetration, but can have oral sex. Others argued that oral sex was a form of sex, and so therefore you had it, then you would lose your virginity. My favorite definition that I personally plan to live by (not really) was simply, “you don’t have sex unless you have an orgasm.”

Since we all have different definitions of the qualities a virgin must have, then how can one say (really) that they are a virgin? What is the standard definition for virginity? As with most words I want to know the meaning of, I turned to the dictionary to find out. Just like most people my age, I have a computer, and searched the word “virgin” on dictionary.com. What I found was this definition:

–noun
1. a person who has never had sexual intercourse.
2. an unmarried girl or woman.
3. Ecclesiastical. an unmarried, religious woman, esp. a saint.
4. the Virgin, Mary, the mother of Christ.
5. Informal. any person who is uninitiated, uninformed, or the like: He’s still a virgin as far as hard work is concerned.
6. a female animal that has never copulated.
7. an unfertilized insect.
8. (initial capital letter) Astronomy, Astrology. the constellation or sign of Virgo.

Why is it that most of the definition is directed towards women? In fact, in society “virgin” is almost always synonymous with “woman.” Think about some of the phrases you have heard in reference to virginity. One of the most common things I have heard is “popping their cherry,” which is a reference to ripping a woman’s hymen. There are only occasional references to male virgins, and they are usually depicted as goofy or strange older men who are socially awkward.

Another issue is that regardless of what definition I have for virginity, other people have another. Virgins are viewed in today’s world as either awkward, a very religious person who wears skirts down to the ground, or teases. The fact of the matter is I am very educated when it comes to sex. I enjoy learning about sex so that I can make educated decisions.

Today many people believe that all women have lost their morality because many of them choose to have sex. I honestly do not feel that the people, the women, I know who have had sex are damaging an entire generation. Rather, I feel that it is their own personal decision. The expectations that are set for young women are difficult to live up to, especially due to the focus on purity. I find it difficult myself to live up to the ideal. Because most people find it so difficult, many young women are reacting. They feel that their freedoms are being repressed (and in many ways, they are), so they choose the alternative, easier option.

It shouldn’t be that way! Why should a woman’s worth – her identity – lie in her decision to have, or not to have, sex? My body is not my defining feature. I refuse to believe that my physical body and my sexuality is what makes me, as a person, valuable. I am not better than a girl who has lost her virginity, and she is not damaged goods.

I am tired of women being put into categories of either virgins or whores. I choose not to have sex, because I haven’t found a man I love enough to have sex with. Yet my sexuality does not define me, or any other woman. Just because I am a virgin does not mean I am your stereotypical definition of a virgin.

So hold onto your hymens, because I believe we need to change how we view virginity. I say we stand up, and say enough is enough.

Most times it was the result of inebriation and the desperate urging of one of my horny guy friends at a party. But regardless how I got there, I’m always surprised by how pleasantly different it feels to kiss a girl than a guy. I guess the whole thing just feels softer and slower, and usually tastes better (like cherry chapstick?). You get smooth, pillowy lips as compared to thin, chapped ones. There’s no stubble. And with girls, tongue action is more equal, as opposed to some guys’ tendency to overpower your mouth.

Lately I’ve been wondering if kissing a girl is so different, what would having sex with a girl be like? The thought has left me awake at night with lots of questions, confusion and curiosity. When it comes to trying out the other team, there’s just so much to consider…

First of all, what does that make me?
I’m very, totally and extremely certain that I’m not gay (just ask one of the guys I’m dating). But I’m definitely not 100% straight if I’m thinking about girls this way, right? Bi-curious would probably be the best term to describe me and that’s totally fine. Actually, I think I read somewhere that most people fall in the middle on the Kinsey Scale of sexuality. There are definitely more bi-sexuals sitting among us in lecture than we think there are and, in my opinion, they’re get the best of both worlds!

How would this work?
And what am I getting myself into, exactly? What constitutes sex with a girl? Is it just oral sex? Are there tools required? Which one of us would make the moves? I wouldn’t really know what to do if I found myself in bed with another girl (although I’m sure Captain Morgan would help me out a bit). I’m not up to speed on lesbian sexual politics, and I’m not sure how I can learn. One piece of wisdom I have acquired (from my gay male friends) is that oftentimes, lesbians don’t like to mess around with girls who are bi-curious, on the fence, experimenting, etc., because they assume that when things start to migrate down south, they’ll just chicken out, reject them, and run away to the safe familiarity of a peen. I totally get that. But if gay girls don’t want to get involved with me, how am I supposed to DO this?! Which leads me to…

Where am I supposed to find a lady?
It might be easy to find sexually open-minded people at smaller, liberal arts colleges where there is a higher population of gay students. But at my school, I don’t really know where to start looking among the thousands of undergrads. Where are all the bi-curious girls? I should probably start going to Rainbow Alliance/LGBT meetings more often and try to make friends. And I guess I’ll just have to be extra alert at parties and see if I can re-wire my Gaydar to pick up on signals from girls, too. Flirting with girls at parties will probably have to happen too, but I’m still emotionally scarred from the last time I tried to do that…

But even with all those questions, why not try it?
I just feel like the time is now to try this out. It’s practically expected for people to experiment in college, and I’m ready to go. The last thing I want is to wake up one morning in twenty years next to my snoring, scruffy husband and wish that I had explored another option when it was more socially acceptable.

If only it were as easy as it sounds.
Is anybody else going through this or know someone who is?

It’s back-to-school time, and I’ve been spending some time lately thinking about what college means for our sex lives. College is our time to explore anything that interests us to find out what we really like and what type of people we want to become. We explore different majors, career paths, friendships, relationships, and sexualities. College is the first time in our lives most of us can really embrace our sexuality, explore it, and figure out how to truly enjoy it.

I go to a women’s college, so my first year was filled with questions from friends back home asking if I’d become a lesbian. My answer: so what if I had? And why did they care?

Despite the freedom we gain in college from adults, we are still constrained by our peers’ expectations of us, which can make it difficult to remain true to ourselves and create a healthy personal (and sexual) identity.

Here are some tips I hope you girls (and guys) can keep in mind while exploring sex in college.

It’s OK to be a virgin.
This had to come first because I think a lot of students are under the impression that there aren’t any virgins left in college, or that it’s weird to be a virgin in college. It’s completely normal to be a virgin in college and you should never feel pressured to “lose it” just to fit in.

There are more than three sexualities.
Most people think of sexuality in three categories: gay, straight, or bi. Most people, however, don’t fit neatly into these three categories. I prefer to see sexuality as a spectrum, ranging from completely heterosexual to completely homosexual, with the majority of people falling somewhere in between. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, or even if you don’t know where you fall on the spectrum, you are NORMAL. Don’t ever change yourself to fit someone else’s expectations of you.

Casual sex can be HARD.
Casual sex may seem like the norm in college, but don’t let that trick you into thinking it’s an easy solution to your sexual frustrations. Casual sex can be great if you’re horny and not looking for any type of attachment, but it can also result in a lot of painful feelings if one person cares more than the other. Make sure you know what you’re getting into before you have sex with anyone, be aware that you might get hurt, and USE PROTECTION no matter what.

Monogamy isn’t a golden standard.
Our society tends to regard monogamy as the natural result of romantic relationships, and this isn’t necessarily true. Some people are happy in monogamous relationships, some aren’t. Many college students explore open relationships or multiple relationships. Find out what type of relationship makes you happiest and pursue it.

My roommate recently told me a story. It was a bit graphic in nature, so I won’t share the dirty details here, but it involved her, her boyfriend, and an orgasm so intense she actually experienced female ejaculation.  Yeah, maybe we share a little too much information.

I was intrigued. (And slightly interested in borrowing that BF for myself…)

Female ejaculation is an elusive experience held by many men to be the epitome of female orgasm.  Why? Because it’s viewed as proof of an orgasm, a job well done. Women don’t have to worry about whether our partner enjoyed himself or not – there’s something sticky to prove it. But men aren’t as lucky; most of us can convincingly fake an orgasm if need be, and men realize this.

Squirting, or female ejaculation, however, can’t be faked. It is also something new and exciting and who doesn’t want to experience a new level of physical pleasure?

As enticing as it may be, female ejaculation is still an experience most us only hear stories about or see in porn…or Sex and The City. There’s debate about whether it even exists. I don’t doubt it exists, but my question is how, how often, and for whom? In my entire internet search, I couldn’t find one trustworthy medical site with an article on female ejaculation. The best I could do was livestrong.org (weird, I know), which says:

“Female ejaculation is thought to be a release of fluid from the Skene’s glands…  The Skene’s gland is similar to the prostate gland in guys. It produces a fluid that is similar to the chemical composition of prostatic fluid, the fluid that makes up the majority of semen. Some women may produce greater amounts of fluid from these glands than others, which explains why some women release a large amount of fluid during an orgasm while others do not… Not all women have the capability of ejaculating and those who do cannot each time they have intercourse. It is also not something that takes place every time a female experiences an orgasm.”

Great. So not only is the information hard to find, but the news isn’t so great, either. Some of us can do it and some of us cannot? Those of us who can do it can’t do it every time?  And there is no way of knowing how to make it happen?!

Despite the lack of scientific information, however, there are an abundance of first-hand accounts (like this one).  There are also guides like this one, claiming that any woman can learn how to ejaculate. But I’m skeptical; I’ve had plenty of g-spot stimulation in my life and never felt like I might explode. I have, however, had plenty of insanely intense orgasms. And that’s gonna have to be good enough for now.

"Why is everyone getting some besides me!?"

My roommate has recently entered a relationship with a really hot, sexy Puerto Rican guy. As a result she has been having lots of hot, sexy sex. And as a result of this, I have been hearing every detail about it.

Being open beyond acceptable social norms, this doesn’t bug me. But while we were out recently and had one too many beers (hey, at 2 bucks a pitcher, I’m only being economical at this point), she made a comment that kind of got my wheels turning.

“Gosh. I wish you were having tons of sex too so we could freaking exchange stories already.”

Pause.
What?!

“Hello, my whole ‘thing’ is that I’m okay with being single. Who the eff are you to tell me that I need a man to be happy? Also, I think you should have to pay more rent this month cause you have just severely offended me. Jerk.” I stuck my (angry) face in the pitcher and took a gulp.

She grabbed the pitcher from me, splashing Keystone all over my face, and responded calmly. “I never said I wanted you to get a boyfriend. I said I wanted you to have lots of sex. You don’t need a boyfriend for that.”

Oh. Right. I forgot that little tiny detail. Because while I believe that you can have fun, fulfillment, enjoyment, and close personal relationships without romantic relationships…I have always been on the fence over whether or not you should have sex.

I’ve never thought it was wrong to have sex without being in a relationship. Look, this isn’t the 1950’s anymore; you don’t need someone’s letterman jacket before you crawl into the backseat of his Mustang. And while I’d never consider sleeping with seven anonymous strangers in a night, I will admit there are some (okay, a BILLION) gray areas between anonymity and monogamy. If you know the person is safe, and you know you can handle it emotionally, do you really have to be in a relationship to have sex? (And at any rate, shouldn’t physical and emotional safety be things you check up on even in a relationship?)

But, I’ve just always wondered if casual sex could be as fulfilling.

While I tend to actively ignore most societal standards, I like to be aware of them. My guy friends seemed to almost unanimously agree that you didn’t need to be in a relationship to be having fulfilling sex. (Some of them even offered to help me find out for myself. Oh, how kind.)  The female counterparts seemed more divided on the issue; some of my girlfriends told me as long as you make sure he’s not a creep and he wraps his tool, sex is sex. It is a natural human need, and you don’t need a relationship to fulfill it.

And others insisted to me that the boyfriend label makes it magically better, since there is more trust, comfort, and emotion. Hey, thanks for doing absolutely nothing to help my confusion, guys.

From a purely logical standpoint (and we know how well those work in relationships, right?), I guess sex could be completely separated from relationships. Look, it’s something we all wanna do, and we’re gonna do it one way or another. We also live in a generation where commitment has become something of an urban myth, and it’s kind of sucky if we’re expected to live like nuns just because someone won’t become Facebook official with us. On the other hand, we can’t deny that for most people, sex is a very emotional thing. Even if there are no strings attached, things can still manage to get all tangled (and I’m not taking about body parts).

Right now, considering I’m not getting any, the idea of sex outside of a relationship is looking pretty, pretty good. But I just don’t know where I stand (lay?) on the topic. I guess I’ll have plently of time to mull it over during this little dry spell drought.