Our society’s discourse on sex in incredibly reckless.

From an American perspective, the rhetoric is either, “Sex is awesome, and if you’re not having it, your life fails to have any meaning” or “If you’re having sex, you’re a dirty heathen who deserves to burn in eternal damnation.” This is so dysfunctional, and I really feel it does more harm than good. Many of my columns have taken a very actively sex-positive slant, encouraging safe, consensual, fun, enjoyable sex — which of course I will forever support. However, sometimes I think it’s far more interesting to think about the reasons people abstain from sex. Read More »

It’s that time of year where we all take stock of our lives, realize we’re hot messes and resolve to change our behavior…for about two weeks. Because while eating healthier, working out more and generally being a more mature person are worthy aspirations that we should all work towards, we would be remiss if we failed to acknowledge that our sex lives could always use a little work. Whether you’re having sex daily, every six months or not at all, with a long-term partner, a FWB, or a one night stand, there is always room to grow and have better experiences.  I mean, if the apocalypse or whatever really is next December, I need to go out knowing that I had the sexiest year to date, so next year, I want to do the following…

1. Stop feeling guilty about my preferences.
Sometimes I’m not in the mood. Sometimes I don’t want to be on top. Sometimes I just want to lay there and enjoy it. Sometimes I want Rihanna playing in the background. It’s totally okay for me to be selfish sometimes, because while, yes, pleasing my partner is important, so is taking my own pleasure into account. This is definitely a balancing act I don’t have down yet. Read More »

‘Tis the season to be jolly, to count thy blessings, and to make itemized lists of all the things you want. I used to wish for an easy bake oven, then Justin Timberlake’s hand in marriage, then an unlimited supply of Louboutins…oh, wait, I could still definitely go for that. In addition to a shoe closet to rival Mariah Carey’s (and world peace), I also wish for a shift in our collective sexual culture. We have all the potential to be sexually liberated, but we just won’t let ourselves — as a society — be that great. My ultimate five wishes are:

1. There would be free forms of birth control.

Unplanned pregnancy is awful. Abortion is not ideal. Luckily, there is this wonderful invention called contraception that would greatly decrease the occurrence of both. The reality of the situation is that people are going to have sex because it feels amazing, not always because they want to pop out babies, and our society needs to adjust to this and make contraception as accessible as possible. The risks of unprotected sex are far too great.

2.  Rape would never happen.

Without a doubt, rape and sexual assault are some of the most traumatizing experiences a person could ever endure, and it breaks my heart that 1 in 4 women will experience one or the other during her time in college. We live in a rape culture, where women are expected to always be available for sexual consumption and our language has stripped “rape” of its meaning (you did not rape your psychology final, okay?). In lieu of rape never happening, I would be over the moon if we could stop automatically jumping to the conclusion that all women who report rape are lying, conniving bitches who were totally asking for it because our skirts were short.

3. We could all be sluts, or prudes, and it wouldn’t be up for judgment. 

I don’t care if you’re saving yourself for marriage or for the next guy who buys you a shot, and no one else should either. As long as you’re being responsible, it’s all fair game.

4. Everyone who is sexually active would get tested regularly. 

Most STDs are not a big deal. They can be cleared up with antibiotics and are not any more disgusting than a cold or flu. If we could treat our sexual health like our dental or overall physical health, there would probably a lot less disease transmission, since people would be open about their status. Gonorrhea would be the new strep throat.

5. Everyone would have sex because they want to. 

There would be no having of sex because you feel peer pressure, or you desperately need validation, or because you were really, really, really wasted and you didn’t even know what you were doing for real. Sex should be fun. If it’s not, take a step back and re-evaluate. There’s nothing wrong with abstinence or celibacy.

Basically, I just want everyone to be sex-positive. What’s on your personal sexy wishlish? More orgasms? More kink? Less bad cunnilingus? I want to know!

A couple of weeks ago, my editor forwarded me a fierce press release and asked me if I wanted to interview Dr. Jennifer Landa. She’s a gynecologist/entrepreneur who specializes in helping ladies get their sexy back. She encourages her patients to make healthy lifestyle choices – working from the inside out – in order to have a more fulfilling and exciting sex life. How could I not take the opportunity to talk to someone whose entire career is based on empowering women to have better sex?

Why did you go into your field?
So many of my patients had complaints that were so frustrating to take care of. The tools in my tool box weren’t working well. Hormones don’t address the problems with my patients, anything from PMS to low libido. So many women suffered, but I wasn’t well equipped. I was looking at ways to help patients by studying lasers and injectables. I did more research and came to realize the best way to attack the problems is to start from the inside out. Make changes in your appearance, your energy, your mood through nutritional supplements and through hormonal balance. Better energy, better sex drive, and overall quality of life.

What’s the most common problem your patients face?
Fatigue is one of the most common, as well as inability to sleep, lose weight, and sex drive. 

Do college aged women often have sex drive problems?
I had problems with my libido starting at 28 years old. I do see younger women with trouble with energy and  sleeping, nutritional problems, and a poor sex drive. The biggest problem that causes all these issues is stress. Stress is a sex-killer and energy killer. Improving your stress management and nutritional care can improve your health. Eating fast food is a stress. Keeping your blood sugar more stable and keeping your meals balanced makes a huge difference in college aged women.

Why do sexual relationships go sour?
Especially in terms of women, if we’re not happy with our partner, we’re not going to be amorous. A lot of people don’t realize their relationship isn’t what they wanted. I frequently have women who come in and think it’s hormonal, but they tell me they’re not happy with their partners, sexually. When we talk about it in depth, and they realize they’re not feeling it, I make referrals for counseling. The large majority of the women I treat are in their 40s and 50s, and the novelty as worn off, and you’re busy building your own lives and careers. The biggest most important thing is that couples need to make the time to be intimate. Scheduling date nights and scheduling good sex is important. It’s so unromantic, but everything else in your life is on a schedule too.

What is the anxiety you come across most frequently?

I have to talk to women and couples about the expectation of the orgasm. A lot of women think they’re not having good sex if they’re not having an orgasm, or if they don’t have a vaginal orgasm. The estimates are that orgasms with no clitoral stimulation is at 20 percent. The women who have those are outside the norm. They’re the lucky exception.

Straight from a doctor’s mouth, orgasms are not the end-all/be-all. Take the pressure off yourself to reach an epic finish, and just enjoy the journey. And in case you needed another reason to work out, eat more healthily, take time to relax, and remember your vitamins, just think of how sexy all of those great lifestyle changes can help you feel. If you are interested in more of Dr. Landa’s philosophy, she has a book coming out in February.  I’ll definitely be checking it out,  because if 2012 is indeed our last year on earth, I want it to be sexy as humanly possible.

There are a lot of things about sex that invoke a lot of judgment and pearl-clutching – sex before marriage, promiscuity, STDs, porn, fetishes…and sexting. Maybe this is only my perception, but it seems like sexting is something that people get extremely riled up about. Particularly when sexting goes public. Whether it’s on a monumental scale (see: Kim Kardashian’s entire public career) or a relatively minor one, when sexts get leaked, inevitably there’s a backlash that generally includes some slut shaming and victim-blaming.

Sexting, to me, is part of a natural progression of 21st century flirting and f*cking. Shooting off a text or a photo is an easy way to flirt, add some spice, maintain the sexual aspect of a long distance relationship, and strengthen the sexual bond between two people. There’s nothing intrinsically immoral or offensive about it – it’s just a digital copy of things that people normally do in person. Which basically describes the entire Internet in a nutshell. And yet, for some reason, the act of sexting seems to induce a lot of moral judgment. Read More »

As a heterosexual woman, I’ve internalized the idea that penis is the end-all and be-all of the sexual experience. Whether it’s taking it down your throat or into your vagina, being penetrated is generally seen as the standard barometer for adult heterosexual sexytimes. This is something I’ve never thought to question or challenge this, but as I continue to write this column, I find myself examining everything I’ve ever thought about sex.

We all know traditional, P-in-V sex is intrinsically a risky activity, and women bear the brunt of them. We take precautions to reduce it, but unless you’re abstinent, there is always a chance of anything from HPV (which is the leading cause of cervical cancer) to pregnancy. Men are afflicted with STDs just as often as we are, but they’re more likely to be asymptomatic. Obviously, anything in life has risks associated with it, but the more I think about it, the more the idea of P-in-V being the default is actually really weird. Read More »

I’m always interested in males’ perspective on sexytimes. I ask my boyfriend questions, and I peruse AskMen a lot more than maybe I should admit. I love when guys comment on my articles because they often address issues I wouldn’t have thought of, or have a completely different take than I would have anticipated. Last week, I discussed my low libido, and a guy commented bringing up the fact that men feel a lot of pressure from women to be high performers and we don’t understand when they go through periods of a lowered sex drive. I was immediately struck by this assertion. Read More »

Recently, I’ve been struggling with my sex drive. Specifically, my utter lack of one. That’s not a problem I expected to confront, as I’ve always had a pretty strong libido. But I had a less than stellar summer – between my quasi-forced celibacy, feverishly searching for a new place to live, my soul-crushing job, and an utterly disgusting diet, I wasn’t at my best. Then autumn arrived, and I moved into a gorgeous apartment with my boy, I came to peace with my lame job, and I started eating better. All the pieces were coming together, but I still founding myself saying “no” to sex far more than saying “yes.” As you can imagine, this didn’t sit well with the beau, and I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the situation either. Read More »

Every once in awhile, I’ll hear dudes lament how handjobs became obsolete past high school. It’s true enough, I suppose. At some point, oral and intercourse replaced the handy. In theory, I totally understand why some dudes miss the HJ – I still enjoy a good fingerbang probably more often than is “normal” for someone over the age of 17. But I refuse to do my part to bring handjobs back. Occasionally, my boyfriend asks for one, and I’ll oblige, very reluctantly. But honestly, they suck. And here’s why…

They’re hard work.
Blow jobs have the reputation for being arduous, but either my hands/wrists are weak, or my mouth is unusually strong. Seriously, within minutes of commencing a HJ, my hand starts cramping, my wrist gets sore and I’m not mentally engaged enough to want to continue. I can’t help but look around the room, think of my grocery list and wonder if Ryan Gosling asks his ladies to endure such torture. Read More »

Getting to know someone else’s body is a learning process. Sometimes there’s a very steep curve, depending on level of intuitiveness, experience and communication. Some people can pick up cues far quicker and better than others and all is well, while sometimes…you’re laying on your back, staring at the ceiling and thinking of your to-do list for the next six months. Five behaviors I’ve had the displeasure of enjoying enduring are…

1. Sloppy kissing
Kissing is a truly crucial component of hooking up. In fact, I’d go so far as to call it a crucial life skill. While we all have different kissing styles, and sometimes they won’t align. Things like too much drool, excessive suction and a complete inability to find a good angle are obnoxious to endure. Read More »