“Good girls always end up single because we don’t give it up.”

A tweet similar to this popped up on my Twitter timeline, and my first reaction was merely to roll my eyes and keep scrolling. But hours later, it continued to haunt me. This attitude that you have to be sexually available in order to get a boyfriend isn’t exactly new. I remember in middle school, the girls who always had a steady stream of boyfriends were always surrounded by the rumors that it’s because they gave blow jobs. Even now, I have friends who constantly attract male attention, and other women speculate that it’s because they’re easier to have sex with, and guys can pick up on this.

I understand how this idea comes to fruition. I don’t agree with it (slut shaming, general hatefulness, and completely ignoring the role men play in gender dynamics are three of my least favorite things), but I get it. Our society’s relationship and conceptualization of female sexuality is weird, at best. We expect women to be pretty, sexually desirable, and comfortable with engaging with sexual activity, but not “excessively” so. There’s also a strand of competitiveness that tends to creep into women’s interactions with other women, and so naturally, if we feel like we’re “losing”, we’re going to be inclined to bash our competition, which doesn’t really do anything for us. Because I mean, while we’re sitting here seething and hating on the girls who may or may not be dirty, slutty whores, they’re still out there, meeting and entrancing guys, while the good girls hang out on the sidelines.

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Threesomes seems like they’re becoming less and less taboo and scary these days. I saw one in person at a bachelorette party. Britney sang a song about threesomes and it debuted at number one on the Billboard Hot 100. Gossip Girl featured the most awkward threesome ever in the history of the universe a couple of years ago (Dan, Vanessa, and freaking Hilary Duff? Still not over it). I’m pretty sure any reality show that involves a bunch of strangers living in a house for a prolonged period of time cultivates in a threesome (or more) at some point. They just don’t seem to be as scandalous and taboo as they once were.

That said, the idea of engaging in one myself seems daunting. I occasionally like to tease my boyfriend with talk about having a threesome with his favorite model, but imagining myself in a threesome is…difficult at best. However, my inner Girl Scout always wants me to be prepared, so naturally I’ve done some research on how to make a threesome not suck.

Talk it through thoroughly with your partner.
Cover all the bases – the participant, the logistics, the potential emotions…everything. Determine if the third is going to be a guy or a girl. A stranger or a friend? Make sure you have a totally private place that you can make as comfortable as possible. Talk about your worries, your insecurities, the possibility for jealousy, the ramifications of your relationship. Incorporating someone else into your own little intimate world is not something to be taken cavalierly. Make your boundaries abundantly clear – is penetration okay? Vaginal or anal? What body parts are off limits? What about oral? Toys? Role play? It’s important to set detailed ground rules before it happens, so you’re not completely taken aback in the moment.

Make sure you’re totally okay with it.
If the only reason you’re into the idea of a threesome is because your partner has mentioned it, don’t do it. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for everyone involved. Your partner’s happiness can’t override your own.  Moreover, a threesome challenges a lot of our ideas of our sexuality, which can be terrifying and unnerving. But being in a threesome doesn’t necessarily mean anything significant. Sexuality is a spectrum. Being aroused by someone of a sex/gender you’re not usually attracted to doesn’t mean you have to totally re-evaluate your sexual identity. It’s okay to have to work through some hangups before you decide whether or not you’re interested.

Find a good fit.
I’m no threesome expert, but I don’t think the “third” should be someone you are friends with. While it may seem like a great idea — you know the person, trust them, can communicate with them, etc. — I think it would ultimately end up being messy and sloppy and not worth it. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it’s highly unlikely that the dynamics of the friendship wouldn’t be irreparably damaged. Luckily, we have the Internet. Craigslist, Adult Friend Finder, Sexually Social and FetLife are all sites you and your partner can find candidates. Don’t approach this expecting to email someone today and be naked with them tomorrow. Take a few days to correspond, maybe go out to coffee or something to see if the chemistry is there. The best thing about finding someone online is you can be completely straightforward since everyone knows what the endgame is.

Be safe.
Everyone should know everyone else’s STD status. Don’t be afraid to ask for proof. This is your health and it’s super important. Make sure you don’t double dip with condoms. Never use the same condom with two different partners. Make sure you assign a hand to each person so you’re not, um, “cross-contaminating.”

Have realistic expectations.
While, ideally, it would be awesome if all three of you connected seamlessly, and the sex was spectacular, and everyone felt 100 percent amazing about it, there is also the very real possibility that one or more parties is going to feel uncomfortable before, during and/or after. Someone may feel left out and jealous. Someone may have just been totally bored. Someone may have started developing feelings. Sex can stir up a vast spectrum of emotions due to the hormones and chemicals our bodies produce, and it is okay to reflect on your experience and not like it, or to reflect on your experience and want to repeat it. Like everything else, a threesome is just a live and learn experience. It doesn’t have to be a defining experience if you don’t want it to be.

It’s pretty much expected that if I even so much as hint at casual sex, I will receive comments informing me that STDs exist and are deadly, and insinuate that I am a completely irresponsible person who is basically asking you to contract a herpes/gonorrhea/syphillis hybrid disease thing that will ruin your life forever…that’s only a mild exaggeration. The possibility of contracting an STD is a legitimate concern, I would never deny that.  But there is a bit of an undercurrent of shaming that is present when responses to articles seeking to promote healthy mental attitudes towards sex choose to focus on the risk of STDs.  I’m sure we’re all aware of the shame and stigma associated with sexually transmitted diseases and infections. I mean, you’d have no qualms sharing that you missed class the other day because you had a cold and wanted to get it checked out. But how comfortable would you be sharing that you skipped class the other day to pick up antibiotics for your chlamydia infection? Exactly. Read More »

I fail to see anything wrong with having sex on the first date.

This flies in the face of conventional dating wisdom. Apparently, first date sex is so much more than “I think you’re sexually attractive and I would like to do it with you.” No, apparently boning on the first date means that you’re slutty, that you’re not interested in getting to know the other person, that it completely ruins any chance at a lasting relationship. I’m not sure where these ideas have come from, but they are definitely not universal truths. There are a lot of dynamics that come into play when sex and relationships are concerned, and most of them are completely socially constructed. If you go out with someone, and you have a delightful time, and the sparks are flying, and you end up naked and entangled in each other, that in and of itself does not doom your relationship.

What causes a relationship to either fail or succeed after this point is completely up the parties involved. If one or both people have absorbed the incredibly dysfunctional and reductive notion that there is a difference between people you date and people you f*ck, and never shall the two intersect, then of course having sex early on is not going to work out. It is a conscious choice to not consider someone you have sex with to not be dating material  There is that terrible phrase, “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” that never ceases to make me cringe, but unfortunately, perfectly sums up a lot of people’s dating philosophy. But really, is sex really supposed to be the ultimate goal of a relationship? Isn’t a relationship supposed to be based on mutual respect, companionship, support, and encouragement, among many other things? Having sex with someone does not at all hinder the possibility of cultivating all of these things.

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One of my favorite parts of sex is the exploratory aspect. Trying new positions, dabbling in role play, doing it in unexpected places. It’s one of the key ways I get an adrenaline rush, and 99% of the time, if my boyfriend has an idea and runs it by me, I’m game. That said, there is a lot of pressure when you start to cultivate a reputation as being sexually adventurous, and you (or maybe it’s just me) start to feel entrapped by it. Your personal preferences become secondary, and sex almost starts to feel like a chore (because not wanting to do anal every time obviously means you’re dull in the sack, right?).

On the other hand, you could be someone who is more conservative, maybe because you’ve had less than stellar experience stepping outside of the box before, or maybe because you have set in stone preconceived notions of what you do and don’t like, even though you haven’t tried any of the things you claim to not like. Setting boundaries that are too strict, or are not strict enough, are both hindrances to a vibrant, healthy sex life.

1. Be your number one priority.
This is absolutely essential. While good sex is generally a physical mutual appreciation society, it’s also a bit of a selfish affair. You can’t necessarily expect the other person to always have your best interests at heart, unfortunately, but you should definitely always keep your pleasure, your comfort level and your self-respect in mind. One of the worst feelings in the world is one of self-betrayal, and there is no reason to sacrifice your well-being during sexy time. Read More »

I recently came across an interesting blog post providing some insight into society’s portrayals of sex. The cultural dialogue on sex isn’t terribly nuanced. There is aggressive, brash, unapologetic sexuality promoted by porn and pop music, and then there’s the less prominent demure, lovemaking more likely to be seen on TV and in movies. This post kind of struck a chord with me.

When we start having sex, we’re pretty likely to start emulating what we see portrayed in the media. How many of us have open, uncensored, honest conversations about our sex lives with our friends? In my experience, it’s only been very recent that I have encountered friends (and everyone who reads this column) who can talk about sex, without being coy or shrouding reality in coyness and exaggerations. So the only frame of reference we truly have is what we see in the media.

I only like rough sex. I can only orgasm from extremely intense penetration. I’ve tried “regular” sex and “making love” and I can never stick with it for long. I crave animalistic, aggressive, primal, unapologetically hardcore nookie. And I wonder how much of that is influenced by my  viewing of porn and my (almost excessive) consumption of what some  have referred to as “slutwave” pop (Ke$ha, anyone?) I know that my preferences are my own to have, but at the same time, I don’t exist in a vacuum. My body is connected to my brain, and my brain is constantly bombarded with certain images of sexuality. What if I was someone who only watched demure Hollywood classics and listened strictly to down-tempo classical music? Would I still be begging for it harder and faster in the bedroom? Would I take “you f*ck like a porn star” as a compliment?

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I’ll be upfront. I’ve only done the friends with benefits thing once, and it sucked.  I’m a serious commitment kind of girl. If I’m going to date someone, I want it to lead somewhere. That said, I understand that not everyone feels the same way, and sometimes you just want a consistent hookup who will treat you like a human being. It sounds simple, sure, but we like to make things far more complicated than necessary when sex is involved. Friends with benefits can be a healthy, fun, enjoyable situation for everyone involved, as long as you keep a few rules in mind.

1. Be on the same page.
My ill-fated FWB fling was awful because we didn’t really define our relationship as such. We had started off as acquaintances, and ended up making out at a party. Then he texted me saying he wanted to see me again.  And suggested dinner and a movie. Naturally, I assumed that meant he was laying the groundwork for dating. But after the “date”, I didn’t hear from him for another week, and didn’t see him until a week after that. You’re probably reading this and rolling your eyes at my naivete. Like, duh, I should have picked up on the fact that he just wasn’t that into me. I should have asked him what it was that we were doing, and saved myself a whole summer of insecurity, instability, and hurt feelings. Communicating can save us a lot of turmoil, so sometime in the beginning stages of your FWBship, define it.

2. Keep it shallow.
FWBs are supposed to be stringless, carefree, and fun. So it’s probably not the best idea to make your FWB someone you’d be  comfortable sharing your deepest problems and secrets with, or heaven forbid, an ex.  Distant acquaintances are the best candidates, and keep your non-sexy time activities minimal. It’s fine to do dinner and a movie, but don’t start integrating your FWB into your daily life – a successful FWB situation is heavy on the benefits, light on the actual friendship part.

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A condom can break, you can slip up and miss a pill, you can leave your NuvaRing out a few days longer than necessary.

All of those small failures can lead to one of the most stressful times in a woman’s life — the unplanned pregnancy scare. That sinking, gnawing feeling that your uterus may not be uninhabited. You start freaking out at every little symptom. Nauseated in the morning…Am I hungry or is this morning sickness? A weird twinge in your stomach…PMS cramps or pregnancy cramps? Fatigue hits early every day…is it sleep deprivation or  is your body exhausted from preparing a womb? It is an extremely stressful situation that generally leads to fear, panic, or complete and utter denial.

All of those emotions are valid and justifiable. I mean, pregnancy is for adults, settled, ready-to-bear-children women and clueless teenagers on MTV. It’s not for college-aged women whose biggest concerns should be getting to know and love herself, having fun with friends, succeeding in school, and successfully avoiding hangovers every weekend. Unfortunately, sex is one of the riskiest activities we engage in, and even if we do our best to be cautions, failures happen.

If you find yourself seriously worried that you are pregnant, do the following (and do not, I repeat DO NOT Google symptoms online, you’ll only panic more):

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I was absolutely terrified to lose my virginity. I had built it up in my head to be a significant, life-altering step, one that would cement my status as a sexually desirable woman. It turned out to be a disorienting, uncomfortable, disgusting experience that shook my confidence for months. The guy and I were getting hot and heavy, clothes came off, and suddenly he was penetrating me. I went along with it for literally five seconds, and then I rolled off. That was not what I wanted.

There were so many unaddressed factors — he wasn’t wearing a condom, I wasn’t on birth control, I hadn’t exactly consented…it was atrocious. Naturally, I never spoke to that guy again, and quite fortunately, there weren’t any profound consequences. A few month later, I met a new boy and I decided to have sex with him. It was wonderful. Prior to him, with every single “first” experience with a guy was always somewhat traumatic after the fact. I would just feel so anxious, nauseated, and unable to sleep because I would be shaking so hard. This was completely different — I felt calm, content, not upset with myself, and actually excited about having sex again. I think that’s how everyone’s first (and second, and last) experience should be, and this is how I would go about making it happen.

1. Make sure you’re ready.

We let orgasms have too much power. If we don’t have them, we stress ourselves out and having one starts to seem like a chore instead of a pleasure. If our partners don’t have them, we start second-guessing our sexy talents. And if our partners (particularly the ones of the male variety) have one too soon, they’re basically devalued as being viable, legitimate sexual partners.