You know when you’re watching TV at 3am while trying to concentrate on finishing up an essay and all of a sudden an infomercial comes on? Before you realize it, your computer is on the floor and you can’t take your eyes off of the too-chipper spokesperson and the ridiculous invention they’re hawking.

Although we make fun of those commercials like it’s our job, you have to admit, sometimes they come up with pretty good ideas. I mean, the Snuggie? Hello, Mr. Genius! So, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I’m going to lay out the 10 as-seen-on-TV products that I really, really want but won’t get out of fear the UPS guy will judge me.

This past week, I attended the IHRSA fitness convention here in San Francisco. Besides ogling all of the ridiculously ripped trainers, I got a sneak peek at our industry’s latest innovations. Boy, is there a lot of new equipment out there! So long to those boring dumbbells and hello to these quirky new toys.

Dear Glee creators:

A word of advice? QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD.

Had you scrapped this week’s super lame installment, your show would have consumed my thoughts until its triumphant return to television after the Superbowl.  I would have spent endless days trying to scheme up a way for Mr. Schue to win back Emma.  I would have cried ACTUAL TEARS over Finn and Rachel’s breakup.  And I most definitely would have added a few more Glee songs to my “most played” list on iTunes.

But, you had to ruin it for me, didn’t you?

Sorry to offend anyone who was a fan, but the Christmas episode just didn’t do it for me.  For one thing, the only real plot development that happened was that Finn and Rachel broke up, even though that actually happened last week, so it doesn’t even count. Oh yeah, and then there was another kind of cool moment that they saved for the last five minutes of the episode.  But where was the drama?  Where was the passion?  And when the hell is Sunshine coming back?

This week’s big revelation was that Brittany still believes in Santa Clause, which I didn’t even find surprising because she also believes in Britney Spears.  I mean, I do too, but I’m not convinced that she’s my gal pal or anything.  And I certainly don’t have any delusions about being more talented than Rachel Berry. I only took a few things from this episode: that Bieste is actually an interesting character and positive addition to the show, that Artie learned his lesson when Tina dumped him and is now the best boyfriend ever, and that Brittany is actually becoming more than just a vehicle for some awesome one-liners. Read More »

I am a master at justifying bad decisions.  For example, when I eat a delicious bacon, egg, and cheese on bagel sandwich, I focus on the healthy level of protein I’m getting, not the massive amounts of calories/fat/grease.

When I choose to do an extra couple shots instead of leaving a party and end up making out with that creepy guy who didn’t talk to anyone all night, I prefer to think that I’ve done a public service and this guy will hopefully come out of his shell and be more sociable from now on (and hopefully not stalk me).

Finally, since I don’t exercise in a traditional manner (i.e. don’t exercise at all…), I end up counting any and all physical activities as exercise.  Like walking to the train station. Or shopping.

Or sex.

Well, apparently someone else is on the same page as I am.  A fantastically provocative exercise tool called the Shake Weight has debuted, prompting women all over the planet to ask the same question:  can’t I get the same effect for free?  AND please my man? Read More »