For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about (or even how to pronounce that mumbo jumbo), allow me to explain.

Wednesday at sundown is the start of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. It’s one of the happiest and holiest days of the year, filled with fun (and a few…er….interesting) traditions. And a lot of praying. For those of you who’ve never celebrated before or are wondering why all your Jewish friends get excused absences from class during the first week (how unfair!), allow me to guide you through some of the finer points of our celebration (and show you that we’re not just playing hookie for no reason here).

And for all you non-Jews out there: if you can swing it, secure yourself an invite to Rosh Hashanah dinner. The food is good, the wine is plentiful, and there’s bound to be an interesting character (or 2) at the table. Here is everything you need to know:

The Deal: Rosh Hashanah, which starts at sundown and lasts for two days, is the start of the Jewish calendar. It’s not as big or booze-filled as the New Years you’ll celebrate in December/January (actually, it’s more family and prayer filled), but it’s a celebration nonetheless. We dress up, go to temple, sing, dance, and eat. It’s a time to celebrate the end of one year and look forward to another, complete with resolutions, making amends, and family gatherings. It’s also filled with symbolism, which we love. And food. Did I mention we’re big on food?

Apples and Honey: Apples and honey are a traditional part of the Rosh Hashanah celebration. They symbolize our hope for a sweet new year, the round shape of the apple symbolizes the circle of life, and honey was traditionally a reward for those who excelled in their studies during the previous year (sorta how we college students think of beer). Not to mention the fact that apples and honey are just plain tasty. Nom.

Fish Heads: Okay, so this one kinda grosses me out but, yes, traditionally, people do in fact consume the head of a fish. This is to symbolize that this is the “head” of the new year. Don’t worry, you can pass on this one and stick to the challah. Go dip it in some honey to cleanse your pallet.

The Shofar: Students at the University of Miami may recall a crazy guy standing in the breezeway in past years blowing into some kind of animal horn. Yeah, reading that sentence over, I do realize how ridiculous it all sounds. But it’s not. In fact, that was our program director, and more recently our rabbi, advertising for services by blowing the shofar, a ram’s horn that is treated and used to call people together to celebrate the holiday. The sound is supposed to awaken our souls to God, and the ram’s horn itself is reminiscent of Abraham’s sacrifice (when his faith was tested by God, who told him to sacrifice his son, Isaac, God sent an angel to stop Abraham when his faith was proven pure, and Abraham sacrificed the ram instead as a thank-you for being allowed to keep the son his wife Sarah had waited decades for. Gotta love bible stories.)

Tashlich: (Come on, there had to be something hard to pronounce here!) Tashlich is the Jewish tradition of casting one’s sins into the sea. On the second day of Rosh Hashanah, we gather at the ocean, river, or some other body of water (technically it’s supposed to be a moving body of water if you can find one) and empty our pockets of the crumbs that have accumulated over the course of the year. If you don’t have any (because how many of us really store food in our pockets anymore?), or just want to make it easier on yourself, you can also just take pieces of bread and throw them into the water instead. The idea is that these crumbs represent your sins, and by casting them into the water, you’re cleaning out and starting fresh for the new year. (Note: for us college students, you might wanna grab a full loaf….)

Despite all the crazy traditions and such, Rosh Hashanah is mostly about togetherness and about celebrating a new beginning (with fish heads). Whether or not you’re Jewish, observant, or anything else, it’s a time to spend with those you love and to make a new start. So grab some honey, find some friends and have a happy new year, everybody!

You know what they say about a big shofar....

Every single January 1^st, I swear that I’m going to start regularly exercising and watching less TV. But somewhere around January 3^rd, I always find myself back on the couch, eating kettle chips by the handful and staring slack-jawed at yet another Top Model marathon.

Of course, I’m not alone. Research shows that a full third of all New Year’s resolutions are broken during the first week of January. Luckily, I’m going to get another chance to make a fresh start tonight.

Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. When the sun goes down, other Members of the Tribe and I will be drinking wine, eating apples and honey, and making a second set of promises about how we intend to act in the year 5770.

Here’s my preliminary list of Jewish New Year’s Resolutions. I’m going to keep them this year. I swear:

- I will buy all of my clothes on sale, then immediately call my mom to tell her what a good deal they were.

- Speaking of Mom—this year, I will guilt trip her instead of the other way around.

- And I will try not to get pissed when she tries to insinuate for the 1,408,225th time that I should apply to law school next year.

- I will eat fewer cheeseburgers. But I’ll also eat more grilled cheese sandwiches and hamburgers to make up the difference. Not together, obvi.

- When my dad sends an email to inform me he’s discovered that someone famous is Jewish, I will reply by saying “haha!” or “OY!” instead of rolling my eyes and ignoring it.

- I will not get wasted at my little cousin’s open-bar Bar Mitzvah.

- I will also suppress my giggles when my cousin’s voice cracks as he’s reciting his haftarah portion.

- I will actually light Hanukkah candles all eight nights of the holiday, even though we’re technically not allowed to have candles in my dorm.

- I will watch more Woody Allen movies and read more Phillip Roth novels.

- I will not skip class by claiming that I have to observe some obscure Jewish holiday (Tu B’shvat, anyone?).

- When I walk across campus, past pro-Israel protestors standing on one side of the lawn and anti-Israel protestors standing on the other side, I will bite my tongue and keep walking.

Want to jump on the new-New Year’s Resolutions bandwagon? Write your resolutions in the comments. Happy New Year!

Today is the first full day of Rosh Hashanah, which means that I just spent 4 hours thanking God for everything he has given me in the past year (followed, of course, by a large and delicious meal). While in synogogue, I thanked the Big Guy upstairs for my family, my friends, my education and the fact that my money is still safe in a bank somewhere.

I also thanked him for my wonderful job, my great hair and the awesome deal I got on that green pashmina I wore to services.

I thought I covered it all until I got home and realized I left a major “Thank You, GOD” out: a hearty thank you for all the super hot Jews in Hollywood. And for the DVR that allows me to record them, the iPod that allows me to hear them and the vivid dreams that allow me to…er…interact with them.

It doesn’t matter if you are Jewish, Christian, Hindu, or Agnostic; I think we all owe someone a giant thank you for these boys. (Click on the pic for more delicious pics!)

I just don’t know if 2 days is enough for me.

Being that I have such a public forum at my disposal, I thought I would go the extra mile this year and clear my slate of sins before I even step foot into synagogue this evening. So, without further adieu, here are my apologies. Please forgive:

- I am sorry for doubting the Wolverines and their ability to have a KILLER comeback in a football game.

- I am sorry that I called that girl a bitch in the bathroom because she refused to pass me toilet paper under the stall.

- I am sorry for all those times I cut people off while driving; I thought I had more important places to be than them, but I now realize that getting home in time for Oprah is really not important at all (mostly because I have DVR).

- I am sorry for talking badly behind people’s backs all year. I am also sorry that I will do it again next year.

- I am sorry for stealing internet from you, upstairs neighbor. But you should be sorry for waking me up at 6am on weekends while having (LOUD) sex with your boyfriend.

- I am sorry for this.

God I love this holiday. The apples and honey, the family meals, and the fact that all my wrong doings can be erased simply by asking. I can see why Lindsay Lohan wants to be a jew.

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