Dear Guy-I’ve-Decided-I-Like-Enough-To-Introduce-to-My-Parents,

Congratulations, you’re the first boyfriend to officially make it this far. Sure, there was that one guy who met my mom by accident at a funeral and that other one who kinda ran into my dad at a tailgate, but those weren’t pre-planned situations. I was able to fake some extreme emotion — saddness and black-out-ness, respectively, in these instances — pulling myself and the guy in question away from the parentals before any serious meet-and-greet sh*t went down.

You see, the idea of having anyone meet my mother and father is one of the scariest things I can think of. As I write this I’m literally having a small panic attack, shaky hands and all. So, high fives to me for letting you cross this very real checkpoint in our relationship and a giant pat on the back to you for putting up with my crazy ass.

Just for the record, you shouldn’t be scared. It’s not that my parents are weird, it’s all me. They’re quite the opposite, actually; on the whole Richard and Phyllis are nice, normal, friendly people who will likely welcome you with open arms and homemade chocolate chip cookies. I’m the one who will be holding my breath the entire time while worst case scenarios run vividly through my mind.

To help me get through this, I’m going to need you to be calm. Like calmest you’ve ever been. Because I’m going to be a complete nervous wreck, and it’s up to you to keep me from running away. You see, I don’t just want my parents to like you. They like the mailman. They like the kid who bags our groceries at Shop Rite. “Like” is not good enough for me. I want them to be absolutely crazy about you, if simply for the fact that I’m absolutely crazy about you. Reach that lofty level of approval and any doubts I ever had about our relationship will magically vanish. Gaining their enthusiastic endorsement is your ultimate Get Out of Jail Free card.

So how do you win them over in a big way? If you can be confident and funny and charming, but also kinda humble and down-to-earth, too, that would be great. I have a really big extended family, and they’re a wild and loud bunch. Should you meet them as well, being able to engage their attention and hold your own is major. Don’t be intimidated. No one’s going to pull you into their bookshelf-lined study to grill you on your intentions, but chances are they will force-feed you more food than you’ve ever seen in your life. If you love me, you’ll be good and ask for seconds. Also, be sure to have a couple entertaining life stories up your sleeve. I’ve got an uncle who goes hunting in Alaska and Africa and far-off islands, another who is one of the country’s top surgeons, a little brother who once ran into Petey Pablo at Rite Aid. Needless to say, the men in my family are pretty cool. Be dazzling in your own right, and you’ll fit in just fine.

Above all else, relax and know it’s going to be okay. Remember, I’m freaking out more than you are, right? So let’s just get drunk and go find a spare bedroom to make out in.

Get ‘em, tiger. You’ve totally got this.

Click here to see what He Says about meeting his parents for the first time!

Alex loves rainbow sprinkles, retro bromances, and cultivating an iTunes library superior to yours. Most days, though, she just wishes she was Beyonce. Got something to say or a good conspiracy theory you’re just dying to share with someone? Follow her on twitter @AlexandraRane or on Tumblr.

You know what? For once I don’t have anything negative to say. Halle-freaking-lujah! Cuddles are are fantastic. Hugs are amazing. Salacious cuddles? Yes, please. Friendly hugs? Hell yes! Comforting cuddles? Great! Free hugs because I’m a ginger? Always welcome. I am a huge fan of cuddling, and I’ve been fortunate enough to not yet meet a man who ain’t one, too. In my experience, boys love cuddling and aren’t afraid to admit it.

I’ve also found that hugs are a pretty non-contentious issue. Thank heavens! Although most matters of intimacy are fraught with politics, I find hugging to be a refreshingly simple act that rarely leaves any party dissatisfied. See someone who needs a hug? Offer one up. Need a hug yourself? Go hug someone – anyone! It’s as simple as that.

Oh alright, there are a couple of rules to hugging – let’s explore: Read More »

I hate waiting for guys to approach me, mostly because they never do. So, instead of standing in the corner giggling with my girlfriends while simultaneously sucking in my belly, I do laps around the bar and approach the guys who pique my interest. Or libido.

It seems to work for me, but during a recent interview with the Millionaire Matchmaker (which will be coming soon!), I learned that women should never make the first move. Ever. Not in one million years. Bad idea. Never do it.

I wanted to believe Patti – after all, she knows her sh*t – but I just wasn’t sure if all guys felt the same way she did. I mean, guys are lazy and have fragile egos; surely letting the girl do all the work would be a huge turn on? I asked my go-to guy for his take on the situation.

See what he thinks about making the first move: Read More »

How many times have you been walking down the street with a girl friend only to have some guy scream, “MAKEOUT!!!”? How many times have you been minding your own business when you see 2 girls making out at the bar for attention?How many times have you wondered why guys are so obsessed with the idea of 2 girls making out?

I know that guys tend to let their peens do all the thinking, but I still just never understand why guys are so willing to do just about anything if a girl will kiss another girl. What is the point? How does that benefit the guy? Why don’t they just try to kiss the girl themselves?! I turned to my favorite male to give me the answers. Read More »

I don’t know about you, but if I never had to take the birth control pill again I would be one happy lady. Remembering to take it every morning, paying for it every month, and all the damn cramps are making me angry.

But what choice do we have, really? Condoms aren’t perfect, abstinence isn’t gonna happen, and I can barely take care of myself, let alone bring a child into my world.

Oh, and guys are always expecting it now! Seriously; I once told my ex that I wasn’t taking the pill and he looked at me like I had just told him I pooped in his shoe. How is that fair?

If only there were a birth control pill for guys. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Let them deal with all the crap we’ve been taking care of for years. Do you think guys would take it? Do you even think they know how good they have it?

Angry (it’s not my fault; my hormones go nuts on this damn pill!) I asked a boy those very questions. His answers surprised me (and made me cry…again, the hormones). Read More »

In college, tradition is everything and there is no tradition more important, more long-lasting and more talked about than hooking up with the college freshman.

I can’t tell you how many times I watched my friends drool over the freshman girls walking in and out of the dorms. They plotted, they schemed and they visited frat parties in an effort to woo the ladies girls back to their filthy apartments.

But, why?!

What is it about this group of girls that is so appealing? And why, with so many awesome ladies already roaming around campus, do guys feel the need to “hit that sh*t”?

Let’s find out: Read More »

Body hair – for good reason – is a topic not often discussed. For one thing, there are far more interesting topics to talk about (like cupcakes, for example) than the unfortunate sprouting under your arms. For another, what is there really to discuss? It is pretty much understood that body hair needs to go away. End of discussion.

But, being a single woman who happens to be quite lazy when it comes to body hair maintenance, I really needed to know a few things. You see, I have found myself a precarious situation many times; I am invited back to someone’s house, sex is inevitable, but as I take his hand and follow him out to the cab I realize that I haven’t shaved my legs. In 4 weeks.

Is this a deal breaker? Do I tell him? Do I offer a rain check on the (what is sure to be amazing) sex? Do we swing by CVS on the way home to pick up a Quattro?

I asked my resident male advice-giver to give it to me straight. First he looked at me blankly. Then he asked my feelings on beards. Then he had this to say.

He Said:

In America, unlike France and most third world countries, we like our women as hairless as possible. And despite all the time, money and pain that goes into the hair-removal process, women prep themselves daily to avoid the humiliation of being caught in public with even a few wispy strands on their legs, or–heaven forbid!–a miniscule tuft emerging from their armpits. Not even eyebrows are allowed a moment of unruliness.

Men don’t often realize how much time women put into looking hot, each and every day. When getting ready to leave the house, all guys do is shower (maybe), shave our faces (sometimes) and throw on some pants (reluctantly). Because of this, we forget how much work goes into having a perfectly groomed bikini line, or hairless legs. And because we forget, seeing hair in places we don’t expect definitely surprises us, sometimes turning us off altogether. Read More »

So you have this boyfriend and you are so totally smitten. He is smart, he treats you well and he happens to be 3 inches taller than you…perfect. Things are going really well and you guys are gettin’ pretty serious; he has even met the parentals.

Huge!

And then you catch him at the bar downing a beer with some trampy blonde bimbo. What. the. hell? Is he really flirting right in front of you? Does he want to take this girl home? Is he trying to get into her (ugly/slutty) pants? She has nice boobs, yes, but does he even realize WHAT HE IS THROWING AWAY?

Hold on a second. Maybe you are over-reacting? Is there really something wrong with a little harmless flirting in a relationship? He is comin’ home with you, after all. Maybe it’s totally innocent. Maybe he’s telling that whore about his amazing girlfriend! And if not, he’s still comin’ home with you, right?

We asked our boy advisor to weigh in on this touchy (did you catch that pun? HA!) subject. Here is what he had to say. Read More »

You know it’s wrong, but when you see your ex across the room for the first time since the big breakup/clothing exchange, rollin’ around in the sheets seems like the best idea in the world. You convince yourself that it will be fun, just this once, and that you both know what the deal is so there is nothing to lose.

But there is. And even the dudes agree.

If you are considering Ex Sex, read on. No one – male or female – thinks it’s a smart move. And trust us; we too thought it was brilliant at one point, but we learned our lesson and you should learn from it too.

He Said:

When you first break up, hooking up with your ex seems like the best thing possible, a naughty glimmer of hope in a dark sea of suckitude. What was your stupid girlfriend suddenly blooms into a beacon of sexiness. She dresses better, smiles more, never grills you about hanging out with your boys, doesn’t complain about what you’re wearing–even her boobs look bigger! It’s like breaking up was exactly what your mutual sex life—and your relationship–needed.

But it’s a trap.

A number of outcomes are likely. First, if it lasts more than a couple of hot nights, you soon fall back into the same, frustrating routines. Instead of just hooking up, you’re going to dinner with her grandma and shopping for crap you don’t care about. The arguing starts, and she’s once again lost that certain something. Basically, you’re back together-whether you admit it or not–and it sucks just as much as it did in the first place. Read More »

My friend met a great guy last weekend. They hung out at the bar and when it closed he walked her home. When they arrived at her place, they sat on her stoop and talked, flirted, laughed.

It wasn’t until the sun started coming up (and she realized she had to be at her internship in the AM), that they realized how long they had been out there. He took her number, gave her a kiss and went on his merry way. She was excited…until a week went by with no word from him.

She couldn’t understand what happened. I couldn’t help her, either. So, I turned to experts in the field of douchey boys: my guy friends. They have helped before – I was sure they could explain the situation this time, too.

He Said:

When a guy asks a girl for her number and never calls back, a few things might be happening. First, he might have been involved in a fatal beer bong accident, and be buried six-feet under by the time the obligatory three days have passed. But that’s unlikely.

Another, more likely, option is that after he sobered up, he realized that the girl was actually some type of human-beast hybrid and his buddies asked him WTF he was thinking, pretty much eliminating any chance of getting in touch. Or he just forgot he’d gotten the girl’s number altogether until it was too late. Drinking might be a good social lubricant, but it’s not the best ingredient for long-term planning. Read More »