Last night’s episode of the Jersey Shore finally put the last nail in the Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino coffin. Oh well, at least he has mad cooking skills to compete in Top Chef. I personally was heartbroken watching him go from house Papa Bear to ultimate entitled creepshow. From kicking out girls to cockblocking “the world” to parking wherever he damn well pleases, he was the biggest embarrassment to the episode.

Not to mention, our blessed jewel Ryder left Snooki and left us pulling our Ed Hardy trucker hats over our eyes and weeping for a better life in Poughkeepsie. Wahhhh, I’m so sad my all-expense paid trip to Miami doesn’t measure up!

The real only way to sum up the episodes is through the top quotes of the night.

“Can I be your pajamas? Wear meee!” – Vinny
The episode opens with yet another tender love scene between Vinny and Ramona from Romania (clearly not cast by MTV, at all) where he basically body slams her in a fit of affection as her “pajamas.” He explains to Ron that he can total “wife her up” but he’s not in love, that’s for suckers. Mmmmhmmm. Okay, Vin.

His second tender love scene was him consoling Snooki. She compares him to her big brother, then pauses and reminds us, “but usually you don’t have sex with your big brother.” Thank you for the PSA, Snooks.

“If you lookin’ good you feelin’ good, if you feelin’ good, you get good results” – The Situation
HUH?

“I MISS RYDER!!!!” – Snooki
Us too, Snookers, us too. Thank God Jenni was there, first offering to take her tanning, then getting her mind off of things by taking her to the ultimate club, Space. They all scream that they’re going to space for a good half hour, we all wonder why they’re just figuring this out now.

“If you got the phattest gear, and no one can come into your atmosphere then you’re a part of tee-shirt time until we yell ‘CABS ARE HERE!’” – Vinny
I don’t know about you, but I am ready for the Vinny Rap album. In addition to the “TEE-SHIRT TIME!!!!” Pauly D alarm clock. OH YEAH!!!

“She looks like the ultimate stripper” – Snooki
RE: JWoww’s mesh belly shirt, royal blue pasties, giant pink hoops and miniskirt. Very astute, Nicole. Shortly after, Snookers picks a fight, Mike and his crazy eyes get involved and gets everyone thrown out of Space. What a waste of pasties. Luckily, Sitch and Pauly grab two random scrams on their way out of the club. Hopefully, and likely, they are DTF.

“I never said anything about checkers, old man!” – Rando NOT-DTF girl
Hmm, guess that’s not happening. Mike spins out of control into Douchebag of the Century, telling the lewdly dressed young lady claiming she’s not DTF that she can kindly leave or cuddle on the couch with a pillow. Pauly sweetly comforts the clearly DTF blonde, but obviously with her friend being banished from the bedroom and rebuffed from the hot tub, she also leaves the scene.

“She was a grenade” – The Situation, “He got rejected” – Pauly
Mike tries to cover up his embarrassing rejection by claiming warzone in the bedroom. However, we all know that the young woman with the oh-so-classy multi-colored (faux) Louis Vuitton is probably the highest ranking lady that Mike’s even gotten under the covers. Gross.

“FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!” – DJ Pauly D
Post-drama, the Situation attempts to redeem himself by making another extravagant Sunday family dinner. Of course, he’s running the kitchen like the Iron Chef but moronically puts the burning hot pan into the sink, setting off two alarms in the house: the fire alarm and DJ Pauly D. The fire alarm blares and Pauly yells out in his Kool-Aid man voice until the hunky hunksters of the Miami Fire Department come to save the day. Snooki makes some reference to her fantasy about a “fireman putting out her fire” but we’re a little unclear on the metaphor.

“You look Asian; I like it” – Ronnie
The gravest insult to be doled out to Sammi since season 1′s “Fred Flinstone Toe” occurrence.

“You can shut up and respect me now” – Sammi
Sweetheart trailing off into her crazed rampage about nothing proves nothing except that she needs serious mood stabilizers and desperately needs to take a cue from Ang and hit the road. Something about Asian ex-girlfriends, something about fighting, nothing that makes sense. Also, she’s smoking? What?

“Probably coulda taken a girl out to dinner for $175″ – The Situation
Sitch not only strikes out with the ladies multiple times, cock blocks the whole world, wears Ed Hardy sweatpants, isn’t involved in the couples’ day frolicking on the beach (PS: how cute is Rocio!?) but he finally gets the Guidscelade towed and tries to claim that he would actually take a girl out to eat.

Ew… Hate it! If only he could get kicked out of Miami as quickly as he got kicked off DWTS…

With the advent of summer upon us, I decided it was high time I was no longer a sex on the beach virgin. I grabbed my manfriend (chuckle chuckle, Carrie Bradshaw) and headed to the shore.

It was a perfect night for just being at the beach, let alone hooking up. Full moon, light breeze and crashing waves. Very romance novel. So boyfriend and I wandered along the beach until we found a secluded(ish) spot.

When we got there, however, I found that I could have done with some good advice before embarking on this adventure. So for all you beach bunny virgins out there contemplating some sea-side action, here is what I wish my experienced girlfriends had told me:

Bring a Flashlight: Luckily for us, the moon was enormous and lit our way pretty well. I happen to be completely blind in the smallest amount of darkness, though, and was petrified of stepping on baby sea turtles. If it’s even semi-cloudy out, a small light should help you navigate.

Don’t forget the blanket! And make it a big one. For a girl who considers a hotel without room service roughing it, I felt surprisingly one with nature. This may have had to do with the stray grains of sand making themselves uncomfortable in my back/chest/butt/eyeballs. I also got considerably less kisses on my neck (my favorite!) because boyfriend kept coming up with mouthfuls of sand.

Consider bringing some “accessories”: The al fresco factor of beach boinking is definitely a plus. I felt so free (cheesy, I know); but while all that open air and exposure to the elements felt g-r-e-a-t when we were cooling off afterwards, it made things a little difficult to get going. Luckily, boyfriend thought ahead to bring lube. This also might help if you are nervous about being caught/ arrested for lewd behavior, leading to distraction. It’s always good to bring back up!

Get creative! Boyfriend luh-huvved the “versatility” it allowed him in positioning. This was a factor I hadn’t even considered, but he said that the consistency of the sand gave him a ton of freedom in his movement, and made everything newer and more comfortable. Next time we get the chance for some S on the B, I plan on capitalizing on my old sand castle building skills. Feel free to dig, mound and pile the sand under your blanket to create new positions– it’s like mother nature’s response to the liberator.

Enjoy the, um, scenery. Now I’m not suggesting you tune out your partner to listen to the breeze, or attempt to synchronize your orgasm with crashing waves (although that would be impressively symbolic), just appreciate the added element it adds to the act. The beach is so gorgeous at night and is practically tailor made for good good lovin’. So get out there and embrace your inner nature goddess; your lucky beach mate will thank you!