[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
Without sounding conceited, I’m smart, funny, pretty and I’ve got an hourglass figure. My problem is that I’ve got a whole lot of personality and apparently I’m intimidating to guys. Whenever I go to parties, I get hit on but it never goes anywhere because although I act really outgoing, I’m secretly shy when it comes to guys and, ironically, I am attracted to guys who are also shy.

None of my friends would believe it, but I can’t for the life of me ever think of what to say to a guy. I’ve tried visualizing them as girls, but it never works, I just can’t get comfortable around them. Part of my problem is that my best friend, who I’ve known since I was a kid, is gay, but I didn’t figure that out until recently. When we hang out together, it’s like we’re two girls. Now every time I’m with a guy, I expect it to be the same level of ease, but it never is. Even with my guy friends, I’m not at ease and would never call them to hang out alone.

Can you think of anything to help me out? I’m getting desperate here.

Thanks,
Tongue Tied.

P.S. I always find out their interests and steer the conversation onto that topic, but I still can’t seem to make anything of the flirtatious encounters. 

Dear Tongue Tied,

Shyness is a debilitating condition. I’ve been a recovering SST (shy silent type) my entire life. Fear not though all you fellow sufferers, there is a cure.

Confidence is key Starting the conversation is the scariest part of the process. We’re terrified of rejection. We feel like we have nothing to contribute. Part of the fuel for shyness is the fear of disapproval. We want to be accepted. Acceptance is approval. Has the chain of logic belted you upside the head yet? To combat the panic attacks, you have to take the pressure off of yourself and look at the situation with a little perspective: “If he/she throws a slushy in my face I’m not going to die, I’m not going to be suddenly rendered mute, I’m not going to run out of people in the world to talk to, and I’ll know this person is a dJ*©#e not worth my time.” If you relax, he’ll relax. Deep breaths, ignore the ringing in your ears, and just say “hi.” You’ve got nothing to lose! Fortunately, Tongue Tied, sounds like you’re already past this stage of rehabilitation. Onward…

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice! Start up a conversation with everyone (unless he has a John Holmes mustache or is wearing a 70’s disco shirt. If he has both and is paler than Sheamus from the WWE, then seek out the Slayer immediately). Conversation is a skill that has to be developed. You’ll feel embarrassed at first but you’ll find your rhythm. Ask any aspiring artist you know, they’ll explain from painful experience that to survive and thrive you have to thicken your hide to rejection.

One of the things that the painfully shy are prone to do is overcompensate. We go from a vow of silence to rambling like Bob Dylan on Adderall. This can be completely unconscious (to you, not to the other person looking for an escape hatch). By taking over the conversation we come on too strong. This turns people off. Ask questions. When you offer opinions make sure you leave room for discussion. Let him be the leader for a while. The next guy you chat up, gauge if you’re intensity can stand to be dropped a few levels.

A pretty, smart, sexy, funny woman isn’t something guys want to run away from. My intuitive inference is that the problem you’re having is your approach due to your shyness, which stems from years of reinforced fear of rejection. You’ve got to take the pressure off yourself to impress. You’re goal shouldn’t be to “win him over” or “convince” him you’re who he wants. That’s putting your self-worth in his actions and belittling all you’ve got to offer which sounds like A LOT. Remove expectations of approval. Focus on having a good time getting to know him because he interests you. If you approach him relaxed then that will set the tone for everything else.

Next time think: you’re not being graded, he can’t hurt you unless you give him the power to, and there’s always the cute guy that just walked in.

Don’t freak out,
The Inter-Dude

How cute is this guy?

Question for La Tuff?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and, you know, she might answer you and shoop.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have been seeing this guy at school on-and-off since the beginning of the school year. He’s a freshman, I’m a sophomore. At the beginning, we hit it off great for about three weeks, and then he felt that he needed to keep his options open as a freshman–which I understood and let it go. He came back around Thanksgiving time and told me he wanted to start seeing me again, and I agreed. Things went great for a while, he called/texted me often over our month-long winter break, and I thought he seemed pretty into me. So, naturally, when we got back for spring semester, we were pretty into each other and he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend.

Well, this entire time, I’ve been afraid that he’s going to get distracted by some other pretty girl, and I’ve kept myself at a distance because I don’t want to get hurt. In a way, I’ve been playing some serious game–but it’s totally hurting me because I’m not being honest with him like this, or being honest with myself. So in a spur of the moment thing when I felt ready at the time, I told him how I felt–that he gave me the butterflies, made me feel like no one’s ever made me feel before, etc., and he just sort of said, “Okay. Do you feel better now that that’s off your chest?”

I feel like I’m always so confused by this guy and I hate it. For the first time in my dating history, he is the one who has the control and I hate feeling like I have none. But I’m also so totally, totally into him.

Please help me – I don’t know whether I should just drop this altogether to keep myself from getting hurt, or if I should stay with it to see what happens…

Sincerely,
He Drives Me Crazy

Dear HDMC,

Girl, what kind of attitude is this, waiting around nervously to see if he gets nabbed by “some other pretty girl?!” No, no, no, girl, not on my watch. Not. On. Tuffy’s. Watch.

Okay, so, like, you like him. I get that. I’m happy for you. But don’t imagine for one second that liking someone means you’re happy to let them walk all over you.

There are three main possibilities with this guy:

(1) He’s just not ready for a big commitment. No big. He is, after all, a college freshman. That’s pretty young to settle down. He may just be unsure about getting so serious so fast, when he’s only just entered college. If this is the case, you’ve got to reassess: How badly do you need for this to be a serious, committed relationship? If you’re okay with something casual for now (as in, this is just fun for now and may not be forever), then everything should be fine. Just remind yourself that this is what it is, and, if it evolves into something, great, and if not, there are always other cutie-pants fishies in the sea. After all, you’re quite young yourself.

If, however, you feel that’s not enough, DO NOT continue to date this guy. Don’t wait around for heartbreak, honey, because that’s what you’re asking for if you’re not honest with yourself (and him). If he wants casual, don’t wait around because you’re sure he’ll eventually want to be serious, because it may or may not happen.

OR:

(2) He’s playing games with you. In this case, Tuffy sez: dump the SOB. Tuffy’s nervous about this one because of what you said about his inability to make up his mind, and then his, shall we say, rather cold reaction to your big emotional confession.

You may as well learn now that guys who play games never change. People who manipulate their lovers should not be rewarded. If you think he’s playing games to get the upper hand, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

OR:

(3) He’s just plain shy. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say when you tell him you’re falling for him, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t feel the same way. Like I said before, dude’s young–he doesn’t have that much emotional stuff to draw from yet. He may just not know how to say it back.

But the bottom line is that you’ll never know which one of these is true unless you really sit down and talk to him. Set aside a quiet date somewhere private where you’re both comfortable. Have a nice dinner, get all relaxed–and then have the talk. Tell him you’re really starting to develop strong feelings or him and that you wanted to know how he felt before you got too involved. Tell him it’s okay no matter how he feels, but that you just really need to know.

IMPORTANT: Do NOT get emotional. Be casual, relaxed, and smile. If you make him uncomfortable, I guarantee he will not be honest with you. You want to come out of this seeming reasonable, sweet, and not at all clingy.

After you talk, you can go home and make your own decision about whether or not you and he are on the same page. If it’s worth working out, work it out, girl! If not–well, how many times I gotta say it?! SO many cutie-pants fishes.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Confidential to Missy’s Boyfriend: Get thee to a doctor. Herpes is highly contagious and you need to have yourself checked out. Planned Parenthood is a good option if you don’t have insurance. How many times do I have to say it, kids?! USE CONDOMS!!!

College. Sigh. It’s unlike any other time in your life. It has its own set of rules, its own unique circumstances. And it’s not always easy to navigate. Everyone needs a little guidance now and then (or always) so we’ve pulled together a variety of perspectives (the does-it-all girl, the party girl and Ms. Study Lounge) to weigh in on your life conundrums and give you the best advice we can.

Every week they’ll be tackling your questions about college. From classes to keggers to keggers before classes, they’ll do their best to respond and be your Pez dispenser of collegiate wisdom. Got questions? Unsure of a decision? Need to save some dough? Just wanna chat it up with some really awesome chics?

Hit them up in the comments or shoot them an email with the subject “College Q&A”!

Question:
I’m just about to transfer to a much larger school for the spring semester, after commuting to school for two and a half years (I’m a junior now) and I’m REALLY scared about making friends. I’ve always had some difficulty with making them, since I’m pretty shy and socially awkward. Having friends isn’t impossible, but now that I’m going away to a huge school of 44,000 students, it’s a bit intimidating. Do you have any advice on making new friends mid-year? I’m sorta freaking out.

Busy Bee:
First things first, have no fear – you WILL make friends! I know what it’s like to be the ‘new kid’, but it’s also a different story when you’re the new kid in a school of 44,000. The fact that you’re going to a school with so many people, you won’t have any problems fitting in. I’ve noticed that college is different from high school in that there really are no cliques or pressures to be a part of a certain group. You can be whoever you want and hang out with as many or few people as you want.

Now that you’ve realized this, go ahead and try something new. Take this opportunity to join a new club (some clubs recruit at the beginning of each semester) or find an on-campus job (this will allow you to befriend the cute regulars!). If you’re not up for busy-ing yourself just yet, try talking to the people sitting around you before classes. Even if you don’t end up as BFF’s, it’ll break you out of your shell. Plus, you gotta start buddying up for notes on days that you may sleep through class! Be open to group study sessions, random hangouts, and last-minute party invitations. I know you’re shy, but this could be your break-through semester.

Party Girl:
No matter how outgoing or introverted a person may be, they all have had that nauseating fear that they won’t make friends in a new place. However, they are not in the golden position in which you now find yourself! You’re jumping in the middle of a social jackpot – 44,000 potential new friends. And you can never underestimate the ultimate social lubricant that flows freely through any college campus (except those weird dry ones): alcohol. Alcohol is the ultimate handshake! Through mojitos and games of beer pong, you’ll find yourself bonding with people of all sorts. Not to mention those people in your classes with whom you commiserate over mountains of homework. Trust me, “socially awkward” doesn’t exist in college. You just need a couple more drinks.

GPA Girl:
It’s so funny how we pretend as if making friends is only a problem elementary schoolers could ever have. In reality, it’s something most people have to deal with for their whole lives! Especially the shy. I hear you there, sister. Here are a few tips I’ve put to use over the years to make friends with new people in new places:

1) Join activities and clubs, even if they cost a little bit of money. Go to events that really interest you. These things are all automatic ins for finding like-minded people who have interests that mirror yours. Don’t worry about going to these things mid-year – the people there will probably be thrilled to have some new blood. Above all, do NOT talk yourself out of going to these things.
2) Boost your confidence by reminding yourself that you are a wonderful and interesting person. Yes, I’m serious. Every time you’re tempted to approach somebody new, take a deep breath first. In your head, say, “I’m interesting and I’m cool, and people want me as their friend.” Then say something. Even if it just ends at hi, force yourself to say something. If nothing clicks with that person, so what? Do it again tomorrow.
3) Find a couple of haunts that really appeal to you, and park there often. These places might be the on-campus coffee shop or the study lounge at the library or the malt shop just off campus -it doesn’t matter where – they are all good places to meet other people. Make sure you like them, because you’ll want to spend a lot of time in them so you can feel really comfortable there. Once you feel as if you belong, it’ll be easier to approach other people who end up there, since it will be like approaching them on “your” territory.
4) Be yourself. Sounds stupid, but it’s true. There are a zillion quirky things about you that your current friends and family love, and even though those are exactly the things you’d be tempted to hide from new people, they are really the things you should go out of your way to project. Those traits make you unique and attractive. Show them off!

Ah, the Shy Guy: that rare specimen of man who you’ll never overhear  talking bragging about some meaningless hook-up. You won’t find him at parties or see him hamming it up for the ladies. He’s sweet, modest and avoids being the center of attention at ALL costs. Odds are, he’ll be the one sitting in the back of class, avoiding eye contact with the professor when he or she scans the room for a volunteer.

He’s pretty much adorable, really. Mysterious, intriguing, sensitive, endearing … a diamond in the rough (“the rough” being the obnoxious, masochistic guys that are just way too common in college). Shy guys are hot. Think Michael Cera. Mmmm.

No? Just me?

Anyhoodle. You’ve caught him glancing furtively in your direction on many (many) occasions. You’re interested. He’s interested. But the two of you both know there aren’t gonna be any suave, hey-baby-what’s-your-sign moves on his part. So, short of holding up a “Hey. You’re cute. I’d say yes if you asked me out” sign, how d’ya go about meeting/cracking open the shy guy?

Approach him casually and strike up a small convo. While he prrrobably won’t be bowling you over with witty banter and charm, he won’t run away. Do most of the talking, but toss in lots of open-ended questions. Just keep it light and impersonal at first: topics like homework, professors, something on the news. Do this a few times a week to establish a bond and tear down that wall he’s got up.

Spend time as friends, without pressuring him about dating. Hang out with him alone, rather than with your other friends. Be patient. It takes the shy guy some time to become relaxed and show his true self.

Be approachably attractive. The root of shyness is insecurity, so it’s more than likely that he thinks you’re out of his league. So now isn’t the time to try out cutting edge fashion or over-the-top makeup. Try for “cute” rather than intimidatingly gorgeous (that’s a toughie, I know).

Arrange a few quiet dates if he doesn’t get up the nerve to ask you out. Keep it casual, and— again — keep it one-on-one. Clearly, the shy-guy isn’t going to do well in a large group of your girlfriends shrieking about vibrators. Choose something low key and easy like a movie, where there’s less pressure to talk.

Gauge his feelings for you. Talk about what you’re both looking for in a person, and drop hints that what you’re looking for is him.

Help him feel confident around you. Every male has an ego — find ways to boost it sincerely. Subtly compliment him. Let him help you with something, whether it’s a homework problem, fixing your computer, or finding the latest gadget. Or — and this is probably the best confidence booster–  see him when he’s in his element. He’ll be MUCH more open and charismatic when he’s somewhere he feels totally comfortable.

Once you enter the relationship zone: First of all, yay. Second of all, introduce him to your friends and family slooowly, starting with the quiet, less intimidating ones. Yeah, save loud Uncle Frank and Over-The-Top Tina for when he’s more comfortable in the relationship.

The shy guy is SO worth the effort and patience. Think of him as … a gift. A treasure to unwrap. A rare and special treat that not everyone gets to see. If you can stick out a few awkward silences in the beginning, I guarantee you’ll have landed yourself a respectful, fun and totally caring guy.

[Photo courtesy of MariaTarescaCB on Flickr.]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m probably the least experienced person I know. Here’s a secret: I may have been kissed before but it was one of those sexless pecs so no real love there. I feel really awkward. I’ve had plenty of boyfriends but I’m really shy about sex. None of them has even gotten close. I’m only a freshmen in college but I’ve been here a while and have had opportunities to hook up ( I try however to avoid alcohol so some parties I won’t go to).

Anyway I was hoping to hook up with my crush but I don’t think I could tell him I like him or anything really. We hang out in groups a lot but I want to know how can I tell if he likes me? And if he does, how to confess?

Sincerly,

VERY Shy

Dear VERY Shy,

First of all, honey, be safe, please. Always use condoms EVERY TIME, no matter what. Okay? Got it? For real. It’s not worth the risk, EVER.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way:

If you wanna lose your V card to him, then you should make sure you can talk to him. Trust me, you do NOT want to sleep with him if you can’t even express how you feel.

I think your first step is to get more comfortable with yourself. Not to squeek you out, but masturbation is a really good tool for getting to know yourself sexually. Explore yourself, find out what you like and what you don’t like. Sex will be a whoooooole lot better if you got one half of the equation down. (Hint: You that half.)

Do you have a friend you can talk about sex with? The more you talk about it, the less shy you’ll be. And read up! It’s much less scary when you know the facts. Get thee to a library and check that shiz out. As long as you’re safe, ain’t nothin to be embarassed about. It’s a healthy part of an adult relationship.

But no sleeping with Crush Boy until you can talk to him about it without getting embarassed. If you’re not old enough to talk about it, you’re not old enough to do it. But I think you’re old enough for both.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luvw

Do you know who Bubba is? You don‘t?! Obviously, you have no heart.

Bubba is a cat who grew up on the mean streets of Chicago, spending the first few months of his young life all by his lonesome. After finally being adopted by a nice couple, Bubba was still unable to “flourish.” He was shy all the time, hated visitors, and was just generally one unhappy cat.

Bubba’s owners knew they had to do something, so they called up a pet psychic. They paid someone to tell them the inner thoughts of their cat. And you know what that psychic individual told them? The reason for Bubba’s unhappiness was an inner emotional struggle…that’s right…Bubba was a transgendered cat.

Even though Bubba was a boy, the pet psychic told his owners that Bubba identified as a female. Immediately, the owners jumped into action. They went about “accepting” Bubba’s feelings, and put up a website asking anyone who stumbled upon it to donate money for Bubba’s sex change operation.

How can anyone say no to such a realistic and heartfelt request? How could we possibly ignore the brave plight of Bubba the transgendered cat? The answer is that we can’t. So donate today. Bubba needs us, people.

The Awkward Guy

If He Were an Animal He’d Be A : Sun bear. Has a vacant, awkward stare, poor fingernail maintenance, adorable, loving.

The awkward guy. I’m not going to call him a ‘nerd’ because sometimes the awkward guy is a totally jacked gym rat and sometimes he’s a complete sports freak. But sometimes he is a nerd. He’s got hobbies. Mad hobbies. They keep him from familiarizing himself with the female sex. He’s probably a professional Halo 3 player, a collector of ‘miniatures,’ comic books, DVDs. He likes to gather stuff and store it in a sterilized container.

Mostly, when you’re around, he either stares at you, the floor, or occupies himself with something else. He might be really quiet, soft spoken, or maybe just a man of few words. The truth is he’s got a lot of words in there but they probably involve orcs or batting averages or obscure Rhode Island based hip-hop artists.

He’s a little nervous about a girl breaking into ‘the club,’ and he’s not sure how to handle it. He and your boyfriend are mates because they like the same stuff. Same taste in music, video games, whatever, and he wants to do that stuff a lot.

He’s the most likely guy in the circle to really want to make a good impression, and such, because most of his interests are maybe a little off center, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to talk about. He doesn’t want you to think he’s a massive nerdface.

The thing to understand about Awkward Guy is that everyone has some type of ‘off center’ interest. Chances are you like one thing that he likes. So if you want to sorta connect (lets say he’s third wheelin’ a date) try to find that. You might go from ‘the girl’ to ‘man your girlfriend loves Wu-Tang and she told me to protect my neck and it was AWESOME.’

If there’s literally nothing, outing your nerd stuff (everyone has one, Broadway musicals, literature, whatever) might be good too.

Eventually he’ll realize you aren’t there to judge him and like a sun bear, the Awkward Guy will get used to you being around. He’ll open up and you can cradle him like adorable baby in swaddling.

Deflowering a virgin is something that guys think about…and they usually think about it in one of two ways: they either are dying to do it because they love the idea of being a girl’s “first” OR they’re terrified of it because they can’t emotionally throw down and they don’t think it’d be fair to rob a girl of her innocence without being able to give her foot massages and take her out on dates.

However, when I deflowered my first and only (or so I hope to be my first and only) virgin; I wasn’t thinking about either one of these things. Because I didn’t know he was a virgin. I had just met him.

Here’s what I DID know:

-He was bangin’ hot.

-He was a few years younger than me. However, he was 19 and legal.

-He was shy around me and I thought it was cute.

-He was willing to drive two hours to meet up with me the day after he met me.

-He still lived with his parents.

-He worked at Jamba Juice.

Here’s what I found out during the act:

-He was afraid of giving oral. I taught him how. (In my defense; I believed that there was a possibility he could have been inexperienced with oral, but still experienced with intercourse.)

-He had no idea how to take charge in sex. (Yawn. I hate that.)

Here’s what happened after the act:

-He invited himself to stay at my hotel with my friends.

-He cuddled with me as if we were stranded in the arctic.

-He asked me when he’d see me again when I had to leave (take note of the fact that he and I live about a 24 hour drive apart from each other.)

-He texted/called me incessantly during the days after…toying with ideas of coming to visit me…and even MOVING to L.A.

I eventually cracked.

“Had you ever had sex before me?”

I finally asked him this via a text message after yet another voicemail at 3am about how much I meant to him.

“No….so?”

UGH.

I have no idea why he didn’t mention to me that he was a virgin. However, now I know why so many guys out there are terrified of deflowering one. The pressure is frightening! I hope I’m never any boy’s first ever again.

I’ll make sure of this by keeping away from 19 year old boys who live with their parents and work at Jamba Juice.

I’m a shy person. I’ve gotten a little better over the years, but the thought of speaking to a roomful of people or even just one new person still terrifies me. And parties…the thought of going to a party is basically like hell on earth.

So in a way, it’s natural that I don’t drink. Drinking is something that’s confined almost exclusively to social occasions, and since I avoid social occasions like the plague, I don’t have any reason to drink. I’m not interested, and I just don’t care to do something that might make me look stupid or blur my judgment. So why do so many people treat me like an alien because of that choice?

When I tell people I don’t drink, their eyes grow wide and their mouths drop wide open. “Why?” is the most common response. Call me crazy, but why not? Vegetarians don’t get interrogated nearly as often or as harshly about their choice not to eat meat. People who elect to study biology or music instead of English aren’t demanded to explain the in-depth mechanics of their choice.

To be honest, it kind of bothers me that my choice not to drink is treated as a personal attack by some people. Don’t get me wrong—most people are very cool with it, and treat me just the same as everybody else. But others seem to think that I believe I’m better than everyone because I’ve never been drunk, or that it’s their civic duty to make me try alcohol, because obviously I’m going to love it and get wasted every weekend.

Yo! I want to tell those people. Just leave me alone! I don’t judge anybody for drinking, and I think it’s a perfectly acceptable choice—it’s just not for me. Alcohol and drunk people make me uncomfortable, and it’s that simple. So please, if you meet people like me who just want to curl up with a good book instead of going out to a bar, don’t judge.

We’re not Martians—we’re just making a choice.